“I’m not taking you out like this,” he said. He started smoothing down her hair. “Tonight’s a big deal for me. I thought I made that clear to you. Didn’t we decide you’d stay in your room until I got here?”
Bang! Straight from the horse’s ass.
Lily’s nose jumped up an inch. Her little fist clenched. Her eyes caught fire, and one of them started to twitch. She looked like she was set to bite the shit out of the nearest hand. I expected some hissing, at least. She reached up slowly, took a hold of the hand that was taming her hair and moved it away from her head. It seemed very civil, but I could see her nails digging into his wrist.
“You won’t tell me where I can go when I’m in my own house. And you won’t insinuate who I can talk to, either.”
Kendol tilted his head with a small smile like he had all the patience in the world, and she’d simply misunderstood him. He had an audience, after all. His entourage still hadn’t closed their mouths after seeing Ash blast out the front door.
“You said this is what you want, Lily. Didn’t you tell me that sometimes you aren’t well enough to make decisions?”
She flinched and glanced around at everyone who was still listening. “You’re twisting my words.”
“And you’re twisting my intentions, darling.”
He touched the side of her face, and she sank to the steps with her hands in her lap and her head down. I’m thinking, man, what is it about those steps? And Lily’s sitting there quietly falling apart, streaking her makeup like Eric Draven. I tell you, it was an impressive display, and that dickless trickster was at her feet in a flash.
“I’m sorry, Kendol,” she said. She didn’t look up at him. She was almost whispering.
“Shh, doll, it’s okay. Let’s get you straightened out. We’ve got nothing but time.”
He nodded to Z, who immediately cleared her throat and rounded up the entourage. She stuffed a few fat bills in my jar, which meant I should accommodate. So I poured them all drinks.
Nobody else was looking when he slipped Lily a pill. Then he picked her up and carried her to her room, all the while mumbling some complete bullshit along the lines of, “This is exactly why I said you need space. She’s dragging you down with her, and it’s going to kill everything we’ve worked for. You need to focus, Lily. You’re too good for this.”
I rolled my eyes and gagged.
Zombarbie and the others scattered like cockroaches.
Chance just stood there staring at me.
“What the hell was that?” he said.
“Foolishness.”
“What did he mean when he said she’s not well?”
“We can talk about it later, kid. I need a drink. Do you need a drink?”
He smiled at me and looked relieved.
I had to agree. I was ready to welcome the most regular of regulars. I wanted some ornery women in my face, some booze in my blood, and some music in my veins. I would’ve gladly ridden the hood of my car like Tawny Kitaen through one of those six-dollar wash jobs. Anything to get the drama funk off my boots. I just couldn’t take any more.
Which, you know, is cue for the front door to bang open.
Lucky me. The circus was still in town.
We heard some angry muttering and a punch to the wall.
Nobody’s ever been dumb enough to punch walls in that bar but Zayzl, so I nodded toward the walk-in for Chance to disappear. Standard evacuation procedure when Zayzl’s on a tear. Chance has learned the hard way that the path of least resistance is paved with beer tabs and bar mats. And he does inventory when he’s hiding out. Can’t beat that. Unfortunately, Zayzl saw him take off.
“Get your skinny ass back here if you want to keep living under my roof for free,” Zayzl shouted. He was lit.
Chance waited a beat and came back through the door with a sixer. He popped one open for me and one for himself.
“Yeah?” he said.
Zayzl took two of the beers and pushed one toward the empty seat next to him. “You think I’m a fucking fool, don’t you?” he slurred and sat down. “I see her, too. I know what she’s doing.”
Chance and I looked at each other. He clearly didn’t know who Zayzl was talking to, either. Or who the extra beer was for. The kid looked spooked. I moved so I was standing between the two of them. His hands were shaking, so I pulled down some whiskey and poured him a shot. I lit us a smoke, too. Took a long drag and passed it back. Zayzl’s bloodshot eyes were all over me.
“Don’t tell me you two are…” He made a clever hand gesture.
“No. We’re not. Jesus, Zayzl.”
“I was about to say—”
“The hell you were.” I stared him down.
He seemed ready to crack his beer over the bar, but then I heard this rustle from above. It was Ash in one of Mofet’s kimonos, and she was perched at the railing like a bird on a wire. She gave herself away trying not to laugh. Zayzl heard her, too. Or he heard something, I should say. He whipped his head so fast my heart started pounding. But then he stumbled down from his bar stool, stretched his arms out wide, and turned a big slow circle. He was losing it.
He started singing a Cure song, slowly, as only the truly insane can. “Where is she, Rorke?” He was still circling. “You’re on her side. You always have been. Even when she took away everything that was mine.”
I assumed he was talking about Ash. I thought, ah hell, here it comes. We’re gonna be on the ten o’clock news.
“I know you’re there,” He yelled at the room. “I can smell you. Come out so I can eat your candy-colored eyes.” He started cackling.
I could feel Ash watching me. She was poised to jump. I motioned for Chance to leave the room again, but he just gave me this look like, you gotta be kidding. And then something cracked. It was the sound of me reaching my damn limit. I hopped the bar, grabbed Zayzl by the collar of his Matrix knockoff and slammed him up against the wall. He made an oomph sound I found very satisfying.
“You’re wearing me down.”
“It’s all your fault,” he said.
“My fault? My fault your girlfriend left you? My fault she OD’d? My fault you’re not a DJ? ’Cause let’s be honest here. That’s what this is about, right?”
“Fuck you,” he said. “Everything is easy for you.”
My ears started ringing.
“You, Zayzl. You are definitely not easy for me.”
“I’m the only son,” he said. “You swore it.”
“Whoa,” Chance whispered.
A beat of silence passed.
“I don’t know which demon you’re talking to, but you need to get your shit together.” I shoved him again, and his eyes rattled around. “Leave Chance alone. He’s a fucking kid.”
I was fired up to kick some ass. I don’t know where it came from, but I bit it back. I thought Zayzl just might hate himself enough to bait me into tearing him apart, and I wasn’t gonna fall for it. He reeked of self-pity, so I let go of his coat. But then his eyes flashed, and he laughed to beat the devil. He ducked under my bar, grabbed what was left of the sixer, and slammed through the back door, mumbling incoherently the whole way.
Ash climbed down from the catwalk. She seemed surprisingly calm. She wrapped an arm around each of us and shook her head. “For some unfortunate reason, people like him are never the ones who OD.”
Chapter 17
I wasn’t in a hurry to stock up since there was hardly anyone there yet. By the time I finished, Ash had disappeared again, and Lily was sitting at my bar alone. Her eyes were hollow, hair matted down, clothes rumpled. She looked like she’d been cried out.
“Where is Ash?” she whispered.
“I don’t know,” I said.
I looked up in the booth. Chance was rocking out on the headphones to a completely different beat than the one I was hearing. He gave me the finger and kicked on “She Destroys.” I started smiling and shook my head.
Lily’s eyes welled up again.
I conside
red shoving her into the wall, too. Why not? It seemed to be my night.
“Lonely at the top, my dear? Double life got you down?”
“I deserve that, don’t I?” She sighed really hard. “I need you to be honest with me about something, Rorke. Could you do that for me?”
I nodded. I was polishing wine glasses. I could take on anything when I was polishing wine glasses.
“Kendol proposed.”
I broke one.
“Hell, no. No, Lily. You just say no. In fact, if he asked you after what happened tonight… How big a fool are you, honey?”
“Is your hand okay?”
“Answer my question.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you,” she said. I picked a piece of glass out of my palm and poured her a shot. “You don’t have to be such a bitch, Rorke.”
“Neither do you. Drink up.”
“Are you bleeding?”
“No. I’m not bleeding.”
She took the shot and pushed the hair out of her eyes. Then she looked up at me. I don’t know what she expected me to say, because I wasn’t gonna validate some bullshit sham of a marriage. Then a little alarm went off in my head.
“You already said yes to him. Didn’t you?”
She didn’t breathe, didn’t even blink.
I slammed my hand down on the bar. “Undo it. Blame it on whatever he fed you from his little man-bag. I saw him give you a pill. Tell him you’re on the rag, outta your damn mind. I don’t care. Think of something. Seriously, do you love that guy? Do you even like him?”
“Everyone loves Kendol.”
“That’s it? That’s all you got? If you’re going to marry this clown, the answer I’m looking for is yes.”
“I like myself when I’m with him.”
“Oh, come on, Lily. You like the way you look when you’re with him. He’s a good catch, right? And he’s easy because you don’t love him. Well, I got news for you, sister, he doesn’t love you, either.”
I stared her down. She didn’t respond.
“But it’s different with Ash, isn’t it? Tell me the truth. Does she eat you alive?”
Lily shook her head and gave me the weakest argument she possibly could. “You’re wrong, Rorke. Kendol is attractive, and he’s creative and intelligent—”
“And wealthy. And famous. And gay. He’s gay, Lily. A gay man gave you a pill and proposed to you. And you know what else, you’re gay, Lily. Do you see the theme here?”
“He loves me!”
“You’re both a couple of bearded ladies!”
“I’m not,” she insisted. She even pushed her little chin out. The gesture was so forced it sucked all the air outta my bubble, and I just stood there, deflated.
“Well, I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?” I said.
She frowned, crossed her arms and turned away from me like a child.
“When he’s not selling pictures of your face anymore, or talking you up to rock stars, and you’re just the little wifey, then will you still like yourself when you’re with him? Will that be enough for you? I’d be willing to bet his big empty house gets lonely.”
She sighed. I went on.
“I knew him before he was famous. In fact, I’ve known Kendol since he was… Wait. Do you even know his real name, or did you just assume you’d become Lily Strike?”
“I don’t need your permission,” she said. “There’s a lot you don’t know.”
“I thought you were after the truth.”
She eyed me again. Her lips pressed into a line.
“Well?” I said.
“Have you ever heard that if you dream something more than once it comes true? Maybe not exactly the way you dreamed it, but some manifestation?”
“If you tell me you dreamed you’re supposed to marry Kendol, I’m done with this conversation.”
And just as I said it I heard something.
The sound floated into my head underneath the bar noise. Somebody was singing “Broken Days,” and it chilled me to the core.
“No, it’s not that, Rorke. I’ll tell you, but please don’t laugh, okay?”
All I could think was, who the hell is singing?
I looked up at the booth. Chance had just kicked on another fast song and walked away from the board. He was talking to some newbie who was clearly using the request list as an excuse to try and nail him. Then I looked over at my crew. They were all absorbed in each other. Nobody was fucking singing. But there it was in my head.
Lily reached for my arm and said, “Please listen, Rorke. It won’t take long. I promise.”
“I can’t,” I said. I pulled away from her. “I need to, I don’t know, breathe for a minute.” For the first time I was scared I’d finally pickled the last of my gray matter.
She sighed at me.
I poured her a glass of Malbec and set in on a bar nap with a cherry. That made her smile. She slipped the cherry in her mouth, kicked off her shoes, and tucked her feet up like a little girl.
I tried to find my hands something to do other than shake, like wiping down the liquor bottles. It was either that, or grab a steak knife and swat some invisible bees.
“I don’t think I’d have a very good time in Heaven, Rorke,” she said. “Not the white one up in the clouds, anyway.”
“I’m glad to hear it, hon. Because they probably won’t let your sneaky little ass through the gates.”
“That’s not what I mean. I saw it in my dream.”
“Drink your milk,” I said.
“It’s not a big deal, Rorke.” She gave me a teasing smile. She seemed so sound all the sudden. Then she cocked her head like she had me figured out. “Oh my god, you’re superstitious about death, aren’t you?”
“Bite me.”
“You are!” She started laughing. “It’s not what I would expect from the big, bad bartender.”
She eyed me some more and fingered her wine glass.
“My dream is about me dying, silly. Not you,” she said. And she seemed totally okay with that.
“Lily, you freak, is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“I don’t know what it means exactly, but I get the feeling I don’t belong in capital-H heaven. Not the one that’s run by a man, anyway. And not because I’m a great big sinner, either. That’s just nonsense.”
“Okay, I’ll bite. What else?”
“In my dream the angels send me away because my heaven is meant to be somewhere else. They gather together, and they give me fairy wings, and tiny feet, and a handful of stars. They chant in whispers. I’m not sure what they say, but it sounds beautiful. And then I fall. It doesn’t hurt when I land, and I still have my wings and my stars. And some kickass purple lip gloss, by the way. Don’t you see, Rorke? The Luxe is my Heaven. I belong here. Forever. I’ll always be part of this bar. So as long as Ash is here, we can’t be separated.”
“Kendol must be giving you some really good shit.”
“I’m not a coward,” she insisted. “I know that’s what you think of me, that I don’t want people to see me with a woman, but you’re wrong.”
“That’s what it looks like from the outside, Lily.”
“When has she ever said that she loves me?”
I bit my lip.
“When?” she demanded.
“She shows you every day. If I can see it, why can’t you?”
“It’s not enough. Kendol says he loves me. He says it all the time. He doesn’t make me feel crazy the way she does.”
“Thank you. That’s my point, right there. That last thing you just said. Do you want to hear about love or do you want to feel it?”
“Fire in the pit of your stomach is not pleasant. Jealousy and anxiety and complete loss of control are not pleasant.”
Suddenly, everything was a little too clear.
“You’ve never been in love. Have you, Lily?”
She scowled at me like a child.
“I’m right. Damn, girl, I think I missed my calling as
a palm reader.”
“Wanna borrow my glowing orb?” She winked at me. “You just can’t drop it, though, okay?”
“Lily, please don’t marry him. Tell him you made a mistake.”
“I can’t,” she said. “I have to follow this through. You’ll come to understand. I promise.”
And that’s when I looked up and saw Ash in the shadow at the bottom of the stairs. There’s no way she could have heard us over the music. Or at least that’s what I told myself. Over and over again.
Lily saw her, too.
“Give me a rag,” she said. “I’ll help you out.”
“Really, no. I’ve got it covered.”
“Give me the damn rag!”
Ash crossed the dance floor and disappeared.
Lily whispered, “Do you think she heard me?”
“No, I don’t. Her head would have burst into flame if she heard you say you’re getting married. What the fuck, Lily? You gotta tell her yourself. She can’t just find out by some random accident. Seriously, did someone not assemble your soul at birth? You’re gonna lose everything. You’re fucking gonna lose everything.”
She blinked at me. Her lip started to tremble.
“I told you,” she said. “Ash will always be mine.”
“You can’t have both of them, Lily. You gotta let one of them go. Please.”
“I know you think I’m a selfish bitch,” she said. “But I need more time. I can’t put her in danger. Don’t you get it? Zayzl won’t stand for the two of us being together. If I say I’ll marry Kendol, they’ll both leave her alone.”
“And we all live happily ever after?”
She just stared at me like that was the obvious answer. I wanted someone to drop a bag over my head. I leaned on the bar and let her have it.
“Ash is untouchable. Jesus, why haven’t you figured that out? She thinks they’re both a joke. And Zayzl may never leave her alone, no matter what you do. He’ll always have some reason to justify it. He hated her on sight, before you even met her, Lily. And if you think she’s going to keep playing this stupid game with you once you’re married, you don’t know her at all. She already can’t breathe. Ask her. She doesn’t need to be saved by you. She just needs you.”
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