Mission Earth 4: An Alien Affair

by L. Ron Hubbard

The morning paper confirmed it.

  You would not think that a wad of wood pulp, crushed flat, messily smeared with some carbon, could constitute a deadly weapon. But a newspaper is all of that and more. Any direction it is pointed, it can kill. Especially when motivated by an idiot. One who does not seem to know who he is pointing at.

  The target person was supposed to be Heller, whatever name they called him, however many doubles he might have. The person it wounded, this morning, was me!

  There it was, right on the front page:

  TEN-BILLION-BUCK SUIT SETTLED

  WHIZ KID TRIUMPHS OVER OCTOPUS

  OIL GIANT WRITHES DOW-JONES SOARS

  The ten-billion-buck Whiz Kid suit has been settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

  The Director of the Federal Reserve Bank issued an emergency statement that the bank would open this morning and resume business.

  In a sudden stop-press announcement in the small hours of this morning, a spokesman for Boggle, Gouge and Hound stunned the assembled media, stating "Octopus Oil is out of danger. We have just met with Swindle and Crouch and reached total agreement on an out-of-court settlement of Wister vs. Octopus Oil."

  Swindle and Crouch, when reached, stated, "No comment." But their representative was seen at the courthouse removing the case from the court dockets.

  Speculation as to the amount of settlement was rife. The president of the New York Stock Exchange promised that the Exchange would again open its doors.

  The dollar is expected to soar against foreign exchange.

  The Seven Brothers, in a predawn meeting, pledged the closest possible support to one another.

  A director of Peril-Cinch, the world's largest stock-brokerage firm, stated, "Now that this threat is out of the way, we can expect Dow-Jones to rise this morning and have coffee. The panic sell-off of Octopus stock (most of which we bought ourselves) has been ended, and we extend our condolences to the suckers who sold. Octopus stock will now soar. God bless the Whiz Kid and American youth."

  Wister, exhausted from his battle, smiled wanly. "I did it all for America." When asked what he would do with the undoubtedly huge amounts of the settlement, he just smiled quietly.

  (See page 18 for photos of the Octopus Oil Building and courthouse.)

  Later editions carried much the same story. I did not have to look at TV or radio to know what they were saying.

  My attention was on something else. I was watching the gaping slit under my door.

  Swindle and Crouch had been mentioned again in the same story with Boggle, Gouge and Hound.

  Snakes were going to come crawling under that door any minute!

  I was sure of it.

  I ached. The resident doctor, when I had come in around midnight, had rubbed some ointment mixed with "Tch, tch, tch. We must learn not to put our stomach up against certain things," but it hadn't helped a bit. I was bruised and raw!

  With a conviction seldom equalled in the Apparatus experience, I knew I had to get out of New York. It was too small for me and Pinch. But I also knew that it was impossible. Heller was winning!

  At home in Turkey an unknown assailant from Lombar would rub me out if I left Heller triumphing in New York.

  It was a matter of off-the-barbecue-stick and into-the-flames if I left things in this condition.

  I tried to get practical. A baseball bat taken to Madison was all I seemed to be able to think of.

  Something desperate was called for.

  Moaning from pain, I tried to lie down. Moaning from pain, I tried to stand up.

  I compromised. Half-reclining in a chaise lounge I tried to think. An idea greater than any idea I had ever had was absolutely mandatory!

  Before I could do anything else, Heller had to be smashed, smashed, smashed!

  But how?

  Chapter 2

  My eyes, sort of glazed, at first did not register what they were looking at.

  The viewer was on.

  It may have been the bright red colors that drew my attention. They were so glaring, they were painful.

  It was Babe Corleone! She was sitting in the back seat of a big limousine that had just stopped. She had on a red gown and a red cape that was printed here and there with black hands. She was wearing a red veil.

  The costume she had mentioned! I knew I was looking at the start of Gunsalmo Silva's funeral!

  There was a man in black sitting beside her. She was talking to him petulantly. "True, true, Signore Saggezza. You have been a good consigliere. True, true, the Corleone family has had none better. True, true, true, I must take your advice. But I don't care what the hell you say, I am going to go to this funeral!"

  "Mia capa, I plead with you again. It is not wise! The report is just in. The church is swarming with the lice of Faustino Narcotici! This could start a gang war!" He saw he was getting nowhere. He looked with appeal straight out of the viewer. To Heller!

  Of course. Heller. I would be getting no picture at all unless Heller was there. My wits were too soaked in pain to concentrate well.

  I could make out Heller's own image in the limousine glass. He seemed to be wearing a red tuxedo under a scarlet ski parka with a hood and snow-mask. Everything red. He must be sitting on a jump seat.

  Heller looked outside. There was a church seen through the leafless trees of a park. All around the limousine, near to hand, men were packed thickly, facing outward. They held riot shotguns in their hands. They were dressed in black overcoats and black slouch hats. Corleone soldati, soldiers alert for war. They were very tense.

  Heller turned back. Babe was sulking behind her red veil. The consigliere was still looking at Heller in appeal.

  "Mrs. Corleone," said Heller, "why don't I just step over to that church and see what's really going on? Then we'll know for sure whether it is safe or unsafe. We don't want you in the middle of a gang fight."

  "They'll shoot you!" said Babe in sudden alarm. "Take ten or twelve men!"

  "No," said Heller. "I'll be all right. I'll wear this ski mask."

  Heller took out his ornate Llama .45 and jacked a shell into the chamber, put on the safety and then shoved the gun into a back belt holster. He adjusted the ski mask in place.

  He started to get out. There was a sound. A yowl! He turned. "You stay there," he said.

  The cat was sitting on the other jump seat! It had on a red leather harness and a red collar with brass spikes. It had been about to follow but now it settled back on the seat, sitting up, alert.

  I sat up, too! With sudden hope. If Heller was walking straight into the Faustino mob, he indeed might get shot! I didn't have the platen so they mustn't kill him. But a nice painful wound that would put him a long time in the hospital would be just great!

  There was every chance of it, too! Imagine going on a scout in a red tuxedo and a luminous scarlet ski parka! About as invisible as a bomb blast! What an idiot!

  He walked through the circle of Corleone men and straight over to the church. Actually, it was a small cathedral. A sign said Our Lady of Gracious Peace. They must be somewhere in lower Manhattan.

  There was nobody outside, just a few empty limousines.

  Heller scanned the cathedral itself. Gothic arches swept up to considerable height on either side of the massive doors. He stepped forward. The altars glittered with gold leaf, the votive candles sputtered in vast rows. Sunlight beamed down through stained glass. The place was empty of people.

  At least live people, anyway. A casket, its top open, rested on trestles. Heller did not walk down the aisle and approach it.

  Voices were coming from a side room near the main entrance. Heller tiptoed over to the door of it and looked in. The place, in comparison to the main cathedral, was well lit by diagonally paned windows all around it.

  It was absolutely crammed with men!

  They were in black overcoats and slouch hats. Many had shotguns under their arms. They were facing someone standing on a raised platform.

  Razza Louseini! The c
onsigliere of Faustino "The Noose" Narcotici! I recognized him well from past dope contacts in Turkey. He was also the man who had fingered Heller that first time in the Howard Johnson's on the New Jersey Turnpike. He would possibly recognize Heller! Marvelous! A good, disabling wound in Heller was exactly what I needed!

  Louseini was not making too much progress. He looked angry and upset. "But men," Razza was arguing, "you don't seem to understand. Gunsalmo Silva was killed while on family business. We've got to bury him in some sort of style."

  A man in the mob spoke up, "Our family has lost nineteen good men this fall. That's more than in most gang wars. All we been doing all fall is giving our own family members funerals! But Silva wasn't any real loss to us. We got better things to do!"

  Others muttered in agreement.

  Razza looked at them and showed his teeth. "Silva was a hero! He wasted 'Holy Joe' for us! You got to show respect! How would you like to get bumped and nobody showed respect? How about that?"

  Another voice. It was a priest in robes, very close to where Heller stood. Evidently he was the one who was supposed to officiate. "May I speak?"

  Razza said, "Go ahead, Father Paciere. Maybe you can talk some sense into their thick heads!"

  Father Paciere said, "My sons, we are here in the presence of the dead. It grieves me to see you quarrel in this holy place. I need eight pallbearers and it would please me well if some would volunteer."

  A very tough-faced mobster turned toward the priest. "Father, I don't think they been telling you all they know. Gunsalmo Silva was a traditore, a traitor to the Corleone family."

  The priest recoiled. He crossed himself. "I didn't know!" He bowed his head and shook it sadly. "Now I understand why even his own brother and uncle would not attend. All are equal in the eyes of God, but a traditore..."

  "Hey!" the tough-faced mobster suddenly barked, pointing at Heller. "Who's that? A spy?"

  All faces whipped toward Heller in the doorway. Guns came up. Oh, here it came! I was going to get my wish!

  Father Paciere said, "No, no. Peace! There will be no firing to desecrate the cathedral!" He came over to Heller.

  "My son, you are masked," said the priest. "What is your name?"

  Well, I suppose a Royal officer doesn't lie to a priest. He said, "Here on this planet, they call me Jerome Wister."

  The noise was such that I couldn't tell what happened for a moment. It was a dreadful smashing sound!

  Heller looked.

  Men were going out those leaded windows in a rocket stream!

  Screams of panic!

  Shattering crashes of riot gun butts hammering out panes to clear the way!

  Men were pouring out onto the shrubbery outside!

  Limousines were roaring into life!

  The room was empty.

  The limousines were gone.

  A tinkle of broken glass fell with one last sound upon the floor.

  Father Paciere came out from behind the door. He was staring at Heller with an open mouth. Then he looked around at the empty and wrecked room. He crossed himself. He looked at Heller, eyes wide, "So you are Wister."

  Heller said, "Wait around, Father. Maybe I can get you a funeral started yet."

  He sprinted back through the leafless trees. The Corleone soldiers were standing there, open-mouthed, staring at the missing limousines and empty surrounds. Heller went through them. He opened the limousine door.

  "Mrs. Corleone, I think it's safe for you to come into the cathedral now. The Faustino mob is gone."

  "What did you do?" said Signore Saggezza in astonishment.

  "I just think they had another appointment somewhere," said Heller.

  He helped Babe out of the limousine. She was rubbing her red-gloved hands together.

  Heller reached in and picked up the cat which, to my amazement, promptly climbed up and sat on his shoulder.

  "I knew it, I knew it," said Babe. "Not even the Faustino mob can stand a turncoat and a traitor like Silva!"

  Signore Saggezza issued a few crisp orders. The Corleone soldati raced ahead and took up positions outside and inside the cathedral.

  Babe, Heller and the cat approached the vast wide doors.

  Father Paciere met Babe in the aisle. Her six feet six towered over him. "My child," he said, "I am afraid there is little in the way of a funeral for this man. Not even his own brother would attend."

  "Have no fear, Father Paciere," said Babe, "we will give the traditore a funeral he is not likely to forget."

  She swept on forward in her red cape printed with black hands. She marched up to the casket.

  The morticians had rebuilt Silva's face, probably from police I.D. shots. He lay in state. Although pretty yellow colored, he really didn't look bad, particularly considering what a mess he must have been after his fall.

  Babe towered above it. She lifted her red veil.

  "Traditore!" she said.

  SHE SPAT ON SILVA!

  The priest drew back in horror.

  Suddenly the cat let out a snarl!

  It rocketed off Heller's shoulder!

  It went straight at Silva's face, snarling and clawing!

  RAKE! RAKE! RAKE!

  Heller hurriedly reached over and pried the cat off. As he held it, it kept snarling and hissing the way only a cat can do! It was hard for Heller to hold it. No cathedral organ for Silva. Those sounds of hate reverberated through the vaults.

  Babe shouted, "Signore Saggezza! The men, if you please."

  The Corleone soldati, while mindful of their posts and withdrawing to them immediately, yet came forward one by one.

  Each took a dagger out as he approached the coffin.

  Each plunged the dagger into the chest of the corpse, spat on the face and cried, "Traditore!"

  Father Paciere was cowering back, powerless to stop it.

  The soldati finished their part of the ceremony.

  Babe, red cape flowing in the drafty place, held up her hand.

  Georgio rushed forward. He gave her two long, black sticks. She took one. Geovani rushed up. He had a blowtorch. He fired it off. Babe put the end of one black stick into its flame.

  A branding iron!

  The end began to glow red. A T! For traditore, traitor!

  She approached the casket.

  Into the right cheek of the corpse she pressed the sizzling end! Smoke rose. She pressed the T into the left cheek. More smoke.

  The corpse's face was branded as a traitor!

  Babe was not through.

  She took the other iron and began to heat it.

  Father Paciere wailed.

  It was a cross!

  It glowed cherry red.

  She again approached the casket.

  She lifted her red-veiled face to the vault of heaven. She cried, "MUEM SUPROC TSE COH!"

  She plunged it down upon the forehead. The cross was upside down!

  Oh, Gods, I suddenly understood. The words Hoc est corpus meum are the words of Holy Communion. They mean "This is my body," in Latin. When they are said backwards, over an inverted cross, the grace of one of their Gods is taken from the individual, not given to him. He would receive the reverse of forgiveness. BLACK MASS!

  The priest cried out. He crossed himself frantically.

  Babe pulled the iron up.

  Silva was branded to be never forgiven by anyone! Not even a God.

  "Oh, my child," wept the priest, "I will have to tell Father Xavier to give you thirty Pater Nosters for this and thirty-one Ave Marias. You have desecrated a house of God with the rites of the Black Mass."

  "It's worth it," said Babe. "The dirty, filthy traitor! Now you cannot bury him in consecrated ground."

  "No, we cannot," wept the priest, "though it is doubtful if even God would accept a traitor."

  "Very good," said Babe with satisfaction. "Then we have handled your funeral problem. I suggest you send the body over to the New Jersey pig farms and have it fed to the pigs."

  "No, no," said t
he priest. "They would protest the infecting of their pigs."

  "Ah, I have it," said Babe. "Tell the mortician to send the body to I. G. Barben Pharmaceuticals to make poison out of!"

  "As you say, my child," said the priest.

  Babe leaned over the casket again, staring at the branded face. "Traditore!" she said once more. And once more she lifted her red veil and spat.

  Proudly, Babe Corleone strode up the aisle and left the cathedral.

  They reached the limousine. She sank down on the seat, smiling, pulling off her red gloves.

  Heller put the cat down on the jump seat.

  Babe reached over and petted it. "This is a very nice cat, Jerome. He knows a traitor when he sees one."

  They drove away.

  Gunsalmo Silva had had his funeral.

  But I, though disappointed Heller had not been shot, also had something.

  I had a great idea!

  The idea was so good, I only screamed a little as I dressed.

  I was on my way to wreck Heller once and for all!

  Chapter 3

  It was very obvious that J. Walter Madison needed some mature help and guidance but he didn't seem to be exactly hanging upon my every word.

  I had gotten there in an agonizingly painful taxi ride—every pebble or white line a tire hit communicated to one or another of my bruises. I had somehow gotten up the steps of 42 Mess Street without falling back down them. I had elbowed my way through the churning menagerie of staff reporters and publicity men at great cost of elbow bruises. And Madison, debonair, appealing and sincere, was really not paying any attention to me.

  He also had somebody on the phone. He looked at me while he talked to me as well as the person on the other end of the phone. "Hello, Mr. Smith. Well, all I am saying is that you better give me front page. You look sort of pale. What's Mount St. Helens got to do with it?"

  I started to speak for the third time. "I am trying to tell you that I have found Hel——I mean Wister's real weakness."

  "Well, so what if it blew the whole top of its head off? Didn't it do that already, years ago? I'm always glad to have your opinion, Mr. Smith. Well, I admit that Portland, Oregon, buried under ashes does rate more space than a classified ad. What have you been doing to your face? It seems bruised. So what if the business section is buried under lava? Have you seen a doctor?"