by Lynsey James
I felt four pairs of eyes on me and when I turned round, the entire cast – or rather what was left of it – was looking at me, awaiting my instructions.
‘Thank God she’s gone!’ Lauren chuckled and flipped some of her auburn locks over her shoulder. ‘Now maybe we can finally get down to some acting for a change! What do you want us to do, Ms Director?’
My mouth moved and made the shapes of words that didn’t hit the air. I felt my head begin to spin and my heart thumped against my ribcage with the ferocity of an animal trying to escape captivity.
I was responsible for these people and for putting on a show for the whole village to enjoy. The pantomime had such a long tradition of being awful and I now had the task of changing that, despite the fact I’d resolved never to perform again and had no plans to go back on that.
I opened my mouth again, hoping some piece of sage wisdom would pop out that would point us in the right direction. Just something, anything that would make me believe I was up to the job of leading this production to success.
‘Oh fuck,’ was all I could manage, along with: ‘what the hell have I got myself into this time?’
*
I wasn’t exactly sure why I chose to go and visit Ethan at Sunflower Cottage. As I trudged up the hill towards the sunny little building, I put it down to a very weird and stressful day where I’d suddenly inherited a pantomime I didn’t even want. Instead of going home and hiding under my duvet, I’d decided to go and vent to Ethan about it. He was in the same industry as me and would know what a massive task directing a panto was. My head spun every time I thought about what lay ahead; despite my best attempts to make the cast see I wasn’t up to the challenge, they’d been so excited by it all that they’d refused to listen.
I gently pushed the door open and stepped inside. A low hum of chatter came from the dining room, so I decided to follow it. With any luck, Ethan would be there and I’d be able to talk to him about being put in charge of a disastrous pantomime. I saw him sitting at my favourite table – the one by the window – and tucking into one of Noah’s delicious burgers. The dinners at Sunflower Cottage were every bit as yummy as the breakfasts. He looked up and his face burst into a beaming smile when he saw me.
‘Well, well, look who it is!’ He chuckled and set down his knife and fork. ‘Changed your mind about that guided tour?’
I felt my cheeks grow pink and had to avert my gaze to the floor. ‘Not quite yet, I’m afraid. I had something I wanted to talk to you about, but if you’re busy…’
I gestured to his half-eaten burger and he shook his head. ‘Don’t be silly, come in and sit down. If you fancy something to eat, I’m sure Noah won’t mind whipping something up for you.’
I took him up on his offer to sit down and perused the dinner menu. ‘Isn’t the food here amazing?’ I said. ‘I come to the Breakfast Club every Friday and it’s out of this world.’
‘That sounds awesome. Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?’
I gulped as I continued to study the menu. Coming to talk to him about the panto had seemed like such a good idea on my way up here, but now I was feeling nervous for some reason.
‘Um…well, the thing is…’ I was saved from my stuttering by Emily walking in and immediately approaching our table.
‘Hi, Alice,’ she said with a bright smile. ‘How are you doing? Not like you to be up here on a Wednesday.’
‘Oh I was just…coming to see if your dinners live up to your breakfasts! Can I have a bowl of macaroni cheese, please?’ I cringed as I realised my voice had turned into a strangled squeak. I sounded like a chipmunk that had got hold of a helium balloon.
Her brows knitted together in a frown, but luckily she didn’t say anything about how odd I sounded. Instead, she took her menus and asked Ethan if he had everything he needed.
‘Everything’s perfect, thanks. Could I see the dessert menu in a bit, please?’ he replied.
Although it was a simple enough request, it made Emily go all giggly like a schoolgirl who’d just met Harry Styles. It made me smile to see the effect Ethan had on everyone around him. Well, everyone except me of course.
‘I-I’ll make sure Noah saves some sticky toffee pudding for you!’ Her cheeks grew pink and she picked up the menus with trembling hands. She regained her composure just in time to shoot us both a knowing look. ‘I’ll leave you two to it.’
I watched her go for a moment, furrowing my brow in confusion. Why did so many people give us strange looks?
‘Anyway,’ Ethan said, picking up his burger, ‘what did you want to say?’
He squared his shoulders and rested his chin on steepled fingers, his blue eyes warm and kind. For some strange reason, my stomach started doing somersaults. I was sure it had absolutely nothing to do with the lopsided smile on his face.
‘I wanted to tell you that I’ve just become the director of the village pantomime,’ I said with a soft chuckle. ‘And I have no clue what I’m going to do about it!’
Ethan let out a gasp of surprise and ran a hand over his face. ‘Wow, so much for only painting sets eh? How did that happen?’
I told him everything. As we ate some of the most delicious food I’d ever tasted, I spilled the beans on Christabel’s questionable directing techniques, my attempt to stand up to her and the meltdown that had followed.
He put down his cutlery for a moment while he tried to control his sudden fit of giggles. His huge lean frame was almost bent in half as he clutched his stomach. I liked his laugh; it was a deep, rumbling sound that came from deep within him.
‘You know,’ he said once he’d managed to pull himself together, ‘I think this is the world’s way of trying to tell you that you’re not meant to be under anyone’s radar.’
I laughed and flipped some hair out of my face. ‘I don’t know about that! It’s probably the world’s way of telling me to keep my big mouth shut, if anything.’
‘Listen, I know we don’t know each other very well and you’ll be perfectly within your rights to tell me to butt out for saying this, but you seem really quick to put yourself down. Why is that?’
I felt myself bristle and sat up straight in my chair. If there was one thing I hated, it was people who could spot my weaknesses. Especially when I tried so hard to keep out of the way and hide them from everyone.
‘You seem really quick to assume you know someone after two meetings,’ I shot back, a crisp edge to my voice. ‘Are you so perceptive with everyone you meet?’
I added a smile so I didn’t seem too prim and proper, but inside I felt like he could see right through me. Every single insecurity, flaw and fear I had was on display and I badly wanted the ground to swallow me up.
Ethan picked up his glass of water and sipped. ‘Depends if I like the person or not.’
That had me intrigued. Did he mean that he was only perceptive with people he did like, or people he didn’t? And did that mean he liked me or that he didn’t? Why did I care so much?
‘Anyway,’ he continued, ‘I think if anyone can put on a pantomime for Luna Bay to enjoy, you can.’
‘What makes you say that?’ I gathered up a forkful of macaroni cheese and shovelled it into my mouth.
He shrugged and the lopsided grin returned. ‘Just a feeling I have. You seem like someone who can bring out the best in people. Like that day you helped me after my fight with the revolving door; I was absolutely furious after arguing with my dad, but after spending some time with you I just felt… I dunno, like things were a little bit better somehow.’
I felt myself blush for what must’ve been the millionth time. ‘I only cleaned your nose up and sent you on your way!’ I chuckled. ‘I wasn’t exactly Mother Teresa was I?’
Ethan held up his hands and shook his head. ‘You know, I’ve done auditions for Shakespeare that were easier than giving you a compliment!’
I covered my face with my hands and cringed. ‘I know, I know! I’m sorry, I think I’m just a bit out of practice. It�
��s been a while since…’
I stopped myself just short of mentioning Jamie’s name. It didn’t feel right to talk about him with a man I didn’t even know, especially when Ethan was trying his hardest to give me a compliment.
‘Since what?’ Ethan asked, shifting in his seat and looking at me with concern. His voice was so soft and gentle, a complete contrast to when he’d been laughing at how I’d come to be director of the pantomime.
‘Nothing.’ I shook my head and hoped to God he wouldn’t ask any more questions. A very quick subject change was called for. ‘Anyway, I think I’m going to tell the theatre group I can’t direct the pantomime. They’ll get someone else to do it and they’ll probably do a much better job than I could. You should’ve seen Christabel’s face when she left as well; she looked absolutely crushed. I know it wasn’t my fault but I feel bad that my standing up to her made her walk out.’
Ethan didn’t reply immediately and carried on eating his food. I wasn’t sure I blamed him, especially not after the way I’d snapped at him when he’d pointed out that I put myself down a lot.
‘Well,’ he finally said after finishing his burger, ‘I think you’re making a mistake. I know I don’t know you very well, but I think you’d make an amazing director. And obviously the cast does too, or they wouldn’t have recommended you to take over from this Christabel. Tell me to mind my own business if you want, but I think you should go for it.’
I smiled, touched that he seemed to believe in me so much. He didn’t even know me, yet he was utterly convinced I could do it. Maybe that was a sign to believe in myself more.
‘I really appreciate that,’ I replied, ‘but I’m not sure that I could put on that good a show. It’s kind of famous round here for being a disaster and I don’t know if I’m the person to change that.’
‘Well if you do decide to do it, and you need any help or even just a second opinion, I’ll be here.’ It was Ethan’s turn to blush and he ran a hand over his face to hide it. ‘Not that you’ll need me, of course.’
A warm, fuzzy feeling crept up on me and a whole swarm of butterflies released themselves into my stomach. Very unlike me.
‘Thanks,’ I said with a smile. ‘I’ll bear that in mind.’
Chapter Nine
Over the next two days, I decided that I absolutely wouldn’t direct the Silver Bells pantomime. I even made a list of reasons why it was a bad idea. They included:
1. There’s only a month to go until the first performance and the cast have hardly rehearsed a thing.
2. I feel bad that Christabel walked out, even though she orchestrated her own exit.
3. I’ve never directed before and have no idea where to start.
4. It’s coming up to my least favourite time of year and I just want to hide myself away until it’s over.
5. I’ve avoided the spotlight for so long that putting myself out there again seems impossible.
Telling the theatre group wasn’t easy. I dropped the bombshell at their third rehearsal on Saturday, wanting to get it over with as soon as possible so they had time to find someone else. Angie did her best to convince me to stay and Lauren stuck her lip out and sulked.
‘Come on,’ she said, batting her eyelashes at me, ‘you know you want to, and you’d be so good! We’d put on a fab show with your as our director.’
I put my hands up and shook my head. ‘Sorry, guys, I honestly don’t think I’d be very good! You’ll all be running about like headless chickens and wondering what the hell you’re doing. Trust me, you’ll thank me in the long run. I’ll still help out with painting or costumes if you want me to, but you’re going to have to find another director. I’m really sorry, guys; I know I’m letting you down, but it’s for the best.’
It was Callum’s turn to execute a charm offensive. He sidled up to me, a wolfish grin on his face and his deep green eyes wide.
‘Are you sure there’s nothing we can do to persuade you?’ he purred. ‘What if I said pretty please?’
Goosebumps rose on my arms as his hand brushed briefly against mine. My brain went into meltdown at the unexpected gesture. Surely Callum wasn’t flirting with me?! And if he was, why was he singling me out? It made me feel a little uncomfortable, not least because I’d been out of the dating game for a long time. I’d hoped he’d zero in on one of the other girls and leave me to keep myself to myself.
‘Sorry,’ I replied with a soft chuckle, taking my hand out of his reach. ‘No can do, I’m afraid.’
‘Well if you’re sure.’ Lauren tried to smile, but disappointment was written all over her face. ‘Looks like we’ll need to scout for another director!’
‘You’ll find someone brilliant, I promise,’ I said with a smile.
I went back to the attic set I was working on, eager to throw myself into my painting. Sadness weighed heavily on my heart, for reasons I couldn’t quite pin down. I should’ve felt happy that I’d sucked it up and told the cast I couldn’t be their director. After all, I was still involved in the pantomime – which would earn me my holiday and start the process of getting my life back on track – without completely ruining the whole production.
So why did I feel like I’d made a huge mistake?
*
The rest of the rehearsal was fairly dreadful, since there was no-one to direct. The cast spent most of their time arguing over the fate of the pantomime or indulging in a good old gossip session. As I painted, I learned that Jake and Lucy from the Purple Partridge had kicked off their wedding plans and were even thinking of going abroad; Lauren had two men after her and didn’t know which to choose (I suspected that was said for Callum’s benefit); Helen thought her fiancé was having an affair.
‘Ooh before I forget,’ Lauren said as the rehearsal wrapped up, ‘I heard Ethan Fox has been spotted in Luna Bay! Apparently he was in the Moonlight Café talking to some girl a few days ago and they looked really into each other!’
My head snapped up at the mention of Ethan’s name. I knew “some girl” meant me, although luckily Lauren didn’t know that. I didn’t fancy being the subject of more village gossip. It had been bad enough when I’d come back from New York. Mum had spent most of the first year fending off questions from curious locals, asking why I was back. We’d thought of coming up with a plausible lie until I felt ready for people to know, but I hadn’t liked that idea: saying Jamie hadn’t died felt the same as saying he hadn’t lived. Both were lies in their own right: he’d lived and he’d died. Saying otherwise wouldn’t change either of those things.
Soon, the whole village knew what had happened. Meanwhile, I’d barely been able to get out of bed because I was so grief-stricken. Eventually though, I’d had to deal with the concerned head tilts and the arm patting and the well-intentioned advice that made me want to scream. It had died down over time and people hardly ever spoke about it now, but I remembered the feeling of being the subject of the village rumour mill well.
‘Who told you that?’ I asked. ‘D-did they say what the girl looked like or anything?’
Lauren shrugged. ‘Nope, just that Ethan looked like he was really taken with her. She’s a lucky woman, whoever she is; I’d give up my entire shoe collection for a date with him! Did you see him in that Pride and Prejudice remake he did? When he came out that lake with his shirt on, oh my God! I nearly fainted.’
I pursed my lips to keep my giggles to myself. It was so funny to think of women everywhere swooning over Ethan like he was a Greek god. Of course, I could see why women found him attractive, but he hadn’t had any effect on me so far.
‘So I’ve heard! I’d better get going, lots to do!’ I decided a quick exit was best, in case I ended up saying something stupid.
As I tried to beat a hasty retreat, Lauren caught my arm and pulled me back towards her.
‘I know you said no the last time I asked you to hang out, but do you fancy coming to the Purple Partridge with me and the rest of the cast? It’ll be a good laugh and we’d love you to come.’
Oh no. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as my brain worked overtime to come up with a valid excuse. In the last three years, I’d forgotten what it was like to be part of a group. I’d spent so long pushing everyone around me away that when someone tried to include me, I didn’t know how to react.
Come on, Alice, pull it together!
I remembered all the times I’d visited the grief counsellor as I’d tried to push through the grief over Jamie’s death. She’d told me the only way I could move on was by piecing my life back together bit by bit. I opened my mouth, expecting a series of excuses to come tumbling out so I could go back to my cottage and hide myself away. However, something altogether different came out instead.
‘OK,’ I stammered. ‘I’d love to!’
*
I’d only been in the Purple Partridge, Luna Bay’s local pub, a handful of times in the last three years. That was probably for the best; I couldn’t imagine many people wanted to listen to the incoherent wailings of a grieving woman over their post-work pint.
I felt a sense of apprehension as I walked down to the pub with the rest of the cast. This was my first proper night out in so long and I suddenly felt very self-conscious. What if I said the wrong thing or acted like a complete fool?
‘Your round first, Alice! Since you won’t be our fearless leader, you owe us one,’ Callum said with a wink.
‘I’ll be there in a minute,’ I replied with a chuckle. ‘Just got a quick phone call to make first.’
While everyone else piled inside the pub, eager to find a table and get the party started, Callum hung back a little. He looked like he’d just stepped off the front cover of GQ with his rumpled white shirt, charcoal-coloured trousers and collar-length brown hair. Plus, he had a very naughty glint in his eye. He leaned against the Purple Partridge’s outside wall, arms folded and eyes fixed firmly on me.
‘You’d better go in before they start without you!’ I urged awkwardly, turning my mobile over in my hands. ‘Don’t want to miss all the fun do you?’