by TT Kove
‘Uh…’ I stared up at him.
He’s entirely too enthusiastic about this.
‘A list?’
‘Yeah.’ He nodded, beaming. ‘You said work up to it, right? So we put together a schedule.’
‘A schedule?’ Was he for real?
He cocked his head to the side.
‘Something wrong with that? Schedules work for everything, even sex.’
Somehow I didn’t think Silver and Kian ever put sex on their schedules. It just… happened. Wasn’t that what it was supposed to be like? A heated moment that wasn’t planned… but that would never happen with me.
‘Do you get frustrated?’ I asked, looking up at him.
‘Hmm?’
‘That we’re not compatible? Does that frustrate you?’ Considering his past, I had a hard time wrapping my head around him and sex.
He’d been sexually abused by his stepdad for as long as he could remember.
Wasn’t a relationship with someone who didn’t expect sex good? For once in his life he didn’t have to do that… but no. No matter what he’d experienced, he was still gay. He got turned on by guys. He liked it and he wanted to have it, but he’d abstained from it for so long because of me.
It was time I gave something back to him.
‘Okay, write your list. Or schedule. Whatever.’
‘Yeah?’ He laughed, all carefree and happy like he’d done earlier with Chad.
Now that made my heart squeeze in a good kind of way. Josh happy like this… yeah, I could definitely do it with him, give him what he wanted.
‘I never thought you’d want to have sex with me,’ he said then, a faint blush on his cheeks. ‘I know you love me, but… and I love you, but I’ve always wanted to show you just how much and all I can do that with is sex. It’s what I know. That you never wanted to… I made my peace with it. But now, hearing you say that we can try, it makes me really happy. And I’ll make it so good for you.’
Did he have to be so earnest about it? Because I wasn’t sure this would be a good experience for me at all. Nipples did nothing for me… but I had no idea if anything else did or not.
Josh
OMG. I feel like I’m dreaming. Am I dreaming? I must be, right?
Did Damian just agree to have sex with me? The one thing he’s said for almost two years were off the table, now he wants to try it?
This can’t be real. It must be some elaborate dream that makes promises and then turns into a nightmare when it turns out that, no, no one’s having sex with me anyway. Certainly not him. Maybe it turns into a memory, like most of my nightmares tend to do.
Andrew. I don’t want him anywhere near this.
If it is true, if it is happening… then this is precious. So, so, so precious.
I know sex. I’m good at it. This is something I’m good at.
I’m gonna blow his mind. He’s gonna see that sex is something good, something intimate, something nice.
And afterwards he’ll, hopefully, want to do it again.
I stared down at my new dildo. It was a little heavy in my hand, but otherwise quite nice. As life-like as a fake dick could be, I reckoned. Flesh-coloured, average sized, with balls. It just missed foreskin and some hair.
Am I going to use it?
I’d opened it, washed it, and now I was about to take a shower. And the dildo was in the bathroom with me.
Entirely by accident.
Or not. Considering I had brought it with me with the sole purpose of washing it.
I was also alone in the whole flat as everyone else were at work. I could do this and no one would know what I was up to.
Damian and I hadn’t done anything else last night. We’d gone to bed like usual, slept on each our side just like usual, and then he’d woken before me to go to work. Just like usual. Or, well, usually he headed off to school, but still…
I threw my pyjamas in the hamper as I stripped, then turned the water on in the shower. I grabbed the lube from the sink—that had come with me totally by accident, on the account it had been in the bag—and stepped under the hot spray.
The suction cup at the bottom of the dildo was put to use as I squeezed it against the tiles. It stuck nicely there, bobbing a little as water beat down over it.
I watched it as I rubbed shampoo through my shaggy hair. I should get it cut soon, but going to the hairdresser was such a drag. Kian would probably cut my hair here at home if I asked, but I wasn’t very good at asking for stuff.
Foam from the shampoo ran down over my arms. For once it didn’t sting because I didn’t have any fresh cuts. It was just scars on my arms now, old ones and newer ones, but scars all the same. I hadn’t cut in… a while. I hadn’t had anything to cut for because life had been good lately.
I grabbed the soap next and lathered it over my body, taking special care down my arse-crack. I hadn’t douched or anything, but I was only going to use the dildo, so it would have to be enough.
It was exactly where I’d left it on the wall, still bobbing.
I stepped out of the spray for a minute to squeeze lube out on my hand, then I hesitantly brought said hand back to my arse again. It’d been years since I’d been penetrated now. I hadn’t slept with anyone since before I’d met Damian. Before my hospitalisation, before the trial.
It was tight. But I rubbed my index finger over the hole, massaging gently, softly pressing inside… and it accommodated.
The wall was warm from the steam as I rested my forehead against it.
My nerve endings were on fire as I thrust my finger in and out, slowly at first and then gaining speed as I got used to the intrusion. I soon added a second finger and breathed deeply as I pushed it through… then started panting as I fucked myself with two fingers.
It’s been so long…
Too long.
It felt good. So fucking good.
Over two years without sex, when I’d been used to having sex all the time. Mind, mostly that had been forced on me, but I’d often gone out on the pull just out of spite. And I had enjoyed myself those times. Because then I’d had sex with people I chose—not Andrew who continued to force himself on me even if I was growing up.
Maybe he wasn’t a paedophile. Maybe he’d just been obsessed with me. It’d started when I was just a kid and continued almost all through puberty…
No thinking of Andrew!
He had no business intruding on my current sex life. He was in jail. And I hoped he’d rot there. That someone would make him their bitch so he’d see what I’d had to deal with for a decade.
But no thinking about him!
Begone devil.
I added a third finger and now I was really getting somewhere.
I’d forgotten how pleasurable this is.
It was time to bring the dildo to play. I grabbed it, tugged, and it didn’t come free.
‘Dammit,’ I murmured, pulling my fingers out of my arse to wrap them around the bloody suction cup, squeezing it until it came free. ‘There we go.’
I squeezed more lube out, coated the dildo with it, and then rested my forehead against the tiled wall again as I brought it back there. The squishy head butted against my hole, which protested the intrusion for a minute… and then it slipped inside.
‘Oh god.’ It was almost overwhelming.
Maybe it’s good I’m doing this before Damian and I get down to it. Or else I’ll come the minute he gets inside me… and we can’t have that for our first time.
I slowly pushed the dildo inside, filling myself up. My back bowed, arched, and strangled moans left me as it brushed over my prostate.
‘Ahh, fuck,’ I groaned, not sure if it was blissful heaven or torturous hell just yet. Prostate-massage was definitely good, but having a dick up my arse—even a fake one—after two years of abstaining from this… it was uncomfortable. No two-ways about it.
What would it be like if this was Damian’s cock?
I didn’t even know what his dick looked like erect. I’
d hardly ever since him naked, and certainly never seen him naked while he’d been hard.
Would he be small? Average? Bigger than average? Average or smaller was preferable, as too big could quickly be on the scale from uncomfortable to downright hurting.
Would he go gentle on me? Or be rougher?
Probably gentle.
He always was, no matter what. I liked that.
I imagined it was Damian behind me, that it was his cock buried in my arse. And fuck if that didn’t get my dick going, leaking pre-come all over the place.
I wrapped my free hand around my straining cock, while the other continued thrusting the dildo in and out.
Damian’s strong arms holding me tight as he thrust into me, chasing his own pleasure… Fingers tight over my hips. Maybe even one hand slipped around to my front and stroked me off. That would be so hot. Being fucked and getting a hand-job at the same time.
‘Ye-yeah,’ I moaned, spurts of white erupting from my slit and painting the tiles white. Or it would if they weren’t already white. Still, it landed there and dripped down to the floor where it was washed away by the shower spray.
My knees shook slightly as I pulled the dildo out.
I held it under the spray to wash it off, leaning my entire side against the wall now as I regained my breath and senses.
Wow, if Damian goes through with this… it’s going to be epic.
Sex with someone I loved… I’d never done that before. It would be a first.
We had lots of first together. First relationship, first love, first living together, first date, first anniversary… basically everything we did together was a first.
It was nice to have these firsts with him.
And maybe—hopefully—I’d get sex from him too. Not my first, but his… and my first time having sex with someone I loved.
That counted, right?
Sex is amazing, there’s no way around that. But Damian doesn’t feel sexual attraction, he doesn’t want to have sex… so maybe it won’t for him? Maybe he’ll be repulsed by the whole thing?
I tried searching the internet for what it was like for asexuals to have sex. And there were a whole spectrum. There was no simple answer. Everyone was different. Some asexuals were completely sex-repulsed, others quite enjoyed having sex and actually sought it out.
I have no idea where Damian will end up on that scale. If he ends up on one of the extreme sides, it would definitely be repulsed. I doubt he’ll figure out how great it is and that he wants to keep on having it. He’s never wanted to have it till now, so I’m pretty sure he’s close to repulsed.
Or maybe not repulsed… He’s certainly embarrassed when we catch Silver and Kian in sexual situations, but not repulsed. I don’t think. Maybe he’ll just be indifferent.
I don’t know what I hope for, really.
Of course it would be nice if he’d like sex… but I doubt he will. So maybe indifferent? That’s bound to be better than repulsed, right?
Damn, I wish there’d been a blueprint for this. For Damian and his feelings and how he’s built. Then I’d know. I wouldn’t have to doubt everything so much.
I’ll find out soon though.
If he doesn’t change his mind.
Then I’ll have my answer anyway, I guess.
‘What did you say to Damian yesterday?’ I stared hard at Chad. ‘What kind of things did you put in his head?’
‘What do you mean?’ He glanced at me briefly before turning back to his sketchbook.
I sat cross-legged on his sofa, turned so I faced him. He sat on the other end, also cross-legged, with a sketchbook on his knee. I didn’t know what he was drawing—possibly me—and it didn’t really matter right now.
‘He reckons we should try having sex.’
That got Chad’s full attention.
‘Oh, yeah? You’re finally going to do it?’
‘We’re working up to it, at least. I don’t know if it’s actually going to happen.’ He could change his mind. He likely would. He’d just said all that yesterday because Chad had run his mouth. ‘It’s your fault.’
‘Fault? Really?’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘Your boyfriend now wants to have sex with you. You should thank me.’
I licked my lips.
‘It might not happen.’
‘Trying not to get your hopes up?’
‘Yeah, well… yes.’ It was no good getting my hopes up if he changed his mind. ‘He doesn’t want sex. But because you said something about how he couldn’t hate on it before he’s tried it, he’s decided we should try.’
‘And that’s good. Isn’t it?’ He stared at me, a little confused.
‘Yeah. It is. I guess.’ If we went through with it. ‘I do want to have sex with my boyfriend. But… I’ve kind of accepted the fact that he doesn’t want sex now. Messing that up… What if I start expecting more?’
Chad blew out a breath.
‘I meant what I said. He can’t say he doesn’t like sex without having tried.’
‘And you can’t say you’re gay without having tried sex with a girl.’ That just slipped out there.
He frowned, cocking his head.
‘That is not the same. I know who I’m sexually attracted to. It’s never been tits and fanny. Dick all the way.’
‘But that’s just it.’ He just didn’t get it, did he? ‘Damian isn’t sexually attracted to anyone. Tits, fanny or cock. He doesn’t want to tap any of that.’
It was Chad’s turn to blink.
‘What if you’d been a girl… you think he’d still want to be with you?’
I’d never thought about it that way, but…
‘Maybe. Yeah.’ Damian wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone, so even if I had been a girl, the events of that night likely would’ve played out the same. ‘He’s asexual. He can still have romantic feelings for whoever.’
‘Homoromantic, then.’
‘You have read up on this,’ I accused.
‘Have not,’ he scoffed.
‘Liar.’ He’d told me flat-out he hadn’t bothered to read up on it, but here was the evidence. How else would he know homoromantic? ‘And maybe he’s biromantic? If, technically, he could’ve fallen for me if I was a girl.’
‘Or maybe he’s just you-romantic.’ He pointed his pencil at me.
‘I never asked him about this.’ I’d read up on asexuality. Perhaps more than I’d read up on my own damn personality disorder. I wanted to understand him, wanted to be there for him and support him, and not do something bad.
‘Maybe you should.’ He put his sketchbook and pencil on the floor and leant forward, hands clasped thoughtfully. ‘Does the whole romantic orientation only for asexuals? Or am I, like, homoromantic and homosexual?’
‘Wouldn’t you be poly-something?’
His face scrunched up in thought.
‘Umm, no? I don’t think so. We’re not actually polyamorous. That’s non-monogamy, isn’t it? We’re three men, but we’re monogamous with each other. We just call ourselves a triad. Not poly.’
‘Okay, so homoromantic, then. Me too.’ Gay worked perfectly well for me though. Everyone knew when I said I was gay I was attracted to guys both sexually and romantically.
For Damian it wasn’t the same. He never used gay to describe himself. That would mean he liked to have sex with guys and he didn’t. Homoromantic sounded nice… and more like him. Not that he was romantic in the least, but… Maybe it was just me. Maybe I was just special.
But no. There was nothing special about me, unless my emotionally unstable personality disorder belonged under that category. There wasn’t anything positive about that disorder though—it made my life a mess. My feelings, my mind.
I’d been doing well for the past few weeks though. I wanted to stay like this. Life was good now. Nothing was in upheaval.
‘I never knew there were so many sexualities and orientations and whatever until I Googled it. I can’t read all that well, or fast, but I got the gist of it.’ He stretch
ed. ‘Confusing is what is is. Gay’s enough for me. I’m already in a relationship with two other guys—no need to complicate things further.’
‘I don’t think Damian even thinks of it that way. If he does, he’s never mentioned it.’
Chad stretched his legs out. ‘Did you do anything… dirty, last night then?’ He grinned wickedly. ‘Since you’re trying out sex now and all. I’m dying to hear about it.’
‘Not… really. I tried to—’ I stopped, embarrassed.
‘Tried to what?’
‘Suck on his nipples,’ I mumbled, embarrassed. ‘He didn’t like it.’
‘Not everyone gets off on nipple-play.’
Whoa, deja vu.
‘That’s what I told him too. We’re going to work up to the main act, anyway. Maybe he’ll let me try something else tonight. I wrote my list, anyway.’ And I’d put it on the bedside table, now I came to think of it.
Oh well, maybe it’s good if he finds it and reads it.
‘A list?’ Chad sounded dubious. ‘You write a list for sex with your boyfriend?’
‘Yeah, well…’ I was even more embarrassed now.
Shouldn’t have mentioned that damn list.
‘Just to write down what I like, you know. What I want to do. And then he can, I don’t know, veto it.’
Chad chuckled with a shake of his head.
‘God, you two are so weird.’
‘It works for us.’ I smiled.
‘I should hope so.’ He chuckled again. ‘But I really don’t understand it. Sex is amazing. How can someone not like it? If anything, you should be the one not liking sex, you’re the one who’s been… well, abused.’
‘Yeah, well…’ I shrugged. ‘It works a little differently with us.’
‘Obviously.’ He tilted his head quizzically. ‘Has he been abused?’
I quickly shook my head.
‘Good.’ He nodded now. ‘No one should have to go through what you have.’
‘Nor what you have,’ I offered because he hadn’t had it easy either.
He hadn’t had a stepfather who fucked him every night, but his life had still been shit up till the day he met his two men. It still was, sometimes, since meds didn’t seem to work on his bipolar disorder.