by TT Kove
No matter how much I hated mine I couldn’t be rid of it. It was there like an eternal reminder of my mother’s psychotic break. Josh’s… at least he’d put them there himself. His scars had helped him. Mine weren’t of any help at all—they never had been.
‘Me neither,’ he said, voice shaking a little. ‘I’m so nervous.’
‘How come? You’re used to this.’ Or he’d used to be anyway. ‘What’d you do before when you went out and pulled guys?’
He chuckled darkly.
‘I pulled their jeans down to get to their dicks. Or I turned around and pulled my jeans down so they could get to my arse.’
That sounded crude.
‘I can…’ He stroked his hand further up my thighs. ‘I can suck you off? That’s bound to feel good for you.’
My breath caught in my throat as I remembered his list.
Does he expect me to do it in return?
‘Don’t worry.’ He grinned wryly, clearly reading my mind—or likely the panicked expression on my face. ‘I want to make you feel good right now, okay? I’ll feel good later when you’re inside me.’
How could he say such things with a straight face? I felt like my face was going up in flames.
‘Okay, you can—yeah.’
Is this really okay?
Whether it was or not, Josh’s hands skipped over my crotch now, fingers hooking under the waistband of my jeans.
‘Take them off?’ he asked lightly, not looking at me as he unzipped them.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just lifted my hips and pulled the jeans down.
Josh helped—and he pulled my boxers down as well.
I wasn’t hard—I didn’t feel sexual attraction, after all. But I knew things worked all right because I woke up with erections from time to time.
Sometimes I even got them when I was awake for no reason at all—but that was what it was like to have this type of equipment down there, wasn’t it?
Guys got erections at the weirdest times, sometimes, even when they didn’t think about anything sexual.
‘Could you—’ I motioned vaguely to him.
He stared at me.
‘Undress?’ he asked hesitantly.
I nodded, not able to look at him.
‘Don’t be embarrassed.’ But he quickly shed his joggers and boxers too. ‘We’re together. This should be all natural.’
Easy for him to say, he who felt sexual attraction and actually wanted to have sex. Who could get hard with no or little help.
‘You’ll tell me if you’re not okay, right?’ He leant in, bending down a little and looking up so he could see my face. ‘I don’t want to do anything that puts you off.’
‘I know. I will.’ I was way out of my comfort zone already, sitting naked on my bed. With Josh equally as naked. ‘Just get to it, would you?’
‘Bossy,’ he tsked, but he smiled. He looked so good when he smiled, like he could light up a whole room just from that tilt of his lips. ‘Okay, don’t think so much, please? Just lie back and enjoy.’
Lie back?
I didn’t do that, but I planted my hands behind me so I leant back a little. He bent down, fingers circling my flaccid… yeah. And then he kissed it. I couldn’t look—too embarrassing—so I tilted my head back to stare up at the ceiling instead.
There was no denying that it felt good—especially when he sucked me into his mouth. It felt good enough blood rushed south to harden my dick right up. So stimuli worked on me, but… while I was slowly getting hard, I still couldn’t quite fathom why everyone was so up in arms about this. Why everyone was all about sex all the damn time. I’d honestly rather do something else with my time.
‘Does it feel good?’ Josh stroked now he’d pulled off, grinning up at me. ‘You’re reacting to it. It’s hard.’ The smile he gave then was so bright and happy and carefree it nearly blinded me.
‘I love you,’ I said, ignoring his question.
‘I love you too.’ His answer came immediately
Now he’d brought my attention away from the ceiling and onto him, it didn’t take much to move it from him to what he was doing. And yes, I was hard. Skin flushed red down there. Josh’s hand was pale in comparison where it was wrapped around me, stroking slowly, teasingly.
He bent down again to suck me some more.
I felt inadequate, but I did not want to do the same to him. I couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe at a later date—another two years perhaps—but definitely not now. The fact he was doing this to me was a miracle in itself.
It was… strange. I’d never touched myself before. Not in this kind of way, at least, not to arouse and get off. I’d never once in my life wanked off. Whenever I woke up with a morning stiffy, I walked it off. Or took a shower that was a little colder than usual. I didn’t indulge in these kinds of… activities.
But Josh seemed to like what he was doing. Sucking cock. I had no idea if he was good at it or not, as I didn’t have a point of reference, but it felt good from my standpoint. Pleasurable even. I ran a hand through his hair, taking in the slight flush on his cheeks, the way they hollowed as he sucked, how his eyelashes fluttered.
For Josh I could do anything—even this. But probably just this once, or very rarely, because it was boring. Yes, I got it up, but I didn’t really feel anything still. It got things working down there, but… upstairs wasn’t drunk on it.
And what he was doing… it was trying to pleasure me. Not himself. What Josh wanted was—well, maybe to a certain degree this was it, but for the most part what he wanted was the sex itself. With penetration.
‘Josh…’ I pushed gently on his shoulder. ‘Stop—that’s… enough.’
He wiped his lips with the back of his hand as he sat up.
‘Was it good?’
I nodded.
‘Should we… move on?’
‘You want to?’ He lunged forward, arms hooking around my neck, head resting against mine.
I nodded again.
‘I don’t know what to do now though.’ I didn’t have a fucking clue. And I hadn’t exactly been following along that damn porn video Silver and shown me earlier. I’d been too busy trying not to look at it.
‘Don’t worry.’ He kissed my cheek, lips lingering. ‘As I said, lay back and enjoy.’ He pushed against my shoulders, exactly like I’d done to him earlier, and I let myself fall back on the bed.
He straddled my hips, body lean and pale and full of scars… and in one hand he held the small tube of lube he’d bought at the sex shop.
Where’d he get that one from this quickly?
I hadn’t known it was within reach. With a flick of his fingers, the tube was open and he squeezed lube out into his hand.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
This felt like it should be a momentous occasion, something special that should be treasured, but it wasn’t. All I could think about was how terrifying it was. It was happening—I was losing my virginity and I didn’t want to. But at the same time I wanted to see what the big deal was, and most of all… I wanted to please Josh.
But this way?
I closed my eyes as one slick hand wrapped around me, spreading the lube. The touch, at least, kept my erection from deflating, but lube was rather… icky. Still, couldn’t have penetrative sex without it—but I was so taking a shower afterwards.
‘Damian?’
‘Hmm?’ I opened my eyes, blinking up at him. He leant over me, face flushed, lips parted slightly, eyelids heavy. He was still straddling me and he held my dick in one hand as he slowly lowered himself.
Oh god.
I looked away.
Am I being childish?
I can’t even watch.
Josh was breathing deeply, a soft moan leaving him as he sank down on me.
Like with the blowjob, it wasn’t a bad sensation. It was kind of hot and tight and… not bad at all. But it wasn’t the all-consuming, earth-shattering, pleasure-filled romp sex was supposed to be either.
It was simply
nice… but I could very well do without it. I didn’t see the point.
This was what people was so obsessed about? This was what was so important to everyone? How so? I’d much rather stand under the hot spray in the shower, to be honest. Or make dinner. Or watch news on the telly.
‘It’s been so long.’ He sighed, arse coming to rest in my lap.
He looked good, all flushed like that. If I didn’t look below the waist to be reminded of exactly it was that made him look that way, anyway.
But he feels good, and that makes me feel good, no matter what we’re doing.
‘Do you feel good?’ I asked, just to make sure. He looked like he was feeling good.
‘Yeah.’ He moved his hips a little.
I didn’t know what to do with my hands. Let them rest on the bed? Grab his thighs? I settled on gripping his forearms, feeling the rough texture of all his scars.
He rose slowly up and down, doing whatever made him feel good.
I, meanwhile, whilst bored with the act itself and not able to understand what the hell was so great about it, gazed at his scars instead.
He had so many of them. Small ones, bigger ones. None as big as my one scar, but big enough to know he’d cut himself really deep. Maybe some of those scars, back when they hadn’t been scars at all, had had him close to bleeding out…? I’d never asked. I never would.
Josh alternated being ashamed of his scars with being fascinated with them. Blood certainly fascinated him. Cutting made him feel better, calmer when his emotions were in upheaval. It wasn’t the best way to deal, but it wasn’t the worst either.
‘Damian?’ He leant down, lips brushing against mine. ‘Can we change position? I want—I want you to fuck me into the mattress.’
I froze for a second. But we’d already come this far, I might as well do some work too and not leave it all to him.
‘Okay.’
He smiled widely, got off my lap and lay down on his back next to me.
I rolled over quickly and he spread his thighs so I could lie comfortably in-between them. This required more from me than simply lying there and letting him do whatever he pleased.
But just this one time…
Trying not to think so hard, I reached down to position the head of my cock against his entrance… then I pushed inside.
He closed his eyes, lips parting in a low moan. He gripped my shoulders tightly, and I put my head on the pillow next to his. This was… it was just as weird as everything else we’d done up till now. Thrusting my hips back and forth, driving a certain part of me into him… what was the point?
I couldn’t get that question out of my mind.
What the hell’s the point of this?
I could understand if we’d been trying for kids, but we weren’t. Even if we wanted any, we couldn’t have kids this way.
Other than reproduction… what was really the point of sex?
It was a bore and a mess and it was sticky and—but Josh’s enjoying himself. I’m doing this for him. Only for him.
I glanced to the side. He still had his eyes closed and he was panting slightly.
‘What do you want?’ He had to tell me, because I had no idea.
‘Faster. Deeper. Please.’
I tried. I did.
And I must’ve done something right because a while later, after letting go of one of my shoulders to stroke his dick, Josh came. His stomach muscles spasmed as a few spurts of thick, sticky semen shot from his slit.
When he was done he let out a long sigh and his legs, which had hooked over my arse at some point, fell down to rest on the bed. He was almost… boneless.
Sated, that’s what it is.
I took it as permission to pull out and collapse on the bed too, lying shoulder to shoulder with him.
‘Did you come?’ he asked, hand fumbling over my stomach to find mine.
‘I can’t.’ I tangled our fingers together. ‘Sorry.’ I was still hard, but what we’d been doing… while it hadn’t been bad, it had felt good to a certain degree, I hadn’t felt anything more.
Reaching orgasm… that was another story altogether. I didn’t think I could orgasm, frankly. I never had. I’d never so much as touched myself before, not with the end-game of getting off. Only time I touched myself down there was when I pissed or when I washed in the shower.
He turned his head to look at me, smile gone, but his eyes a brilliant green I could get lost in.
‘You didn’t care for this, huh?’ He didn’t sound disappointed.
Which is good, right?
‘No.’ I had to be honest. I always was. ‘I didn’t get your hopes up, did I?’
He chuckled.
‘No, it’s okay. I didn’t expect you to finally have a revelation or something. To suddenly like sex after trying it out once. You know yourself best and you’ve never had an interest. That you even gave in this once… I’m happy with that. I’ll live the rest of my life on this memory.’
Now’s that a bit of an overstatement, isn’t it?
‘You know,’ I started hesitantly, not sure how to word what I wanted to say. ‘If you want sex you can have it with other people. I won’t mind.’
I hope.
‘Don’t say that right now!’ He rolled onto his side and curled up against me. ‘Don’t ruin my happy moment.’ He put his head on my shoulder, fingers squeezing mine harder. ‘I’m happy, Damian. I don’t need to have sex with other people to be content, you know. There’s a reason I bought that dildo.’
Oh, right.
That.
I’d forgotten about that… thing.
‘But if you ever change your mind—’ I stopped speaking when he put his index finger against my lips.
‘Not now. I’m feeling good right now and want to remember all of this in detail, so don’t ruin it with stupid sayings like that. I’m happy with you. Only you. In whatever way you’re comfortable with.’
I caved.
‘Okay.’
He put his head back down on my shoulder and his free arm curled around my waist. Our tangled hands still rested on my chest.
It was nice lying like this, it was, but…
‘I want to take a shower.’ I was sticky from the lube and the erection still hadn’t gone down completely. Some cold water would take care of that and some hot water and soap would get rid of the sticky lube.
He sighed, but rolled to his back, fingers slipping from mine.
‘Can you hand me my T-shirt?’
I sat up and found it on the floor.
‘You’re getting dressed?’ Speaking of, I had to get dressed to go to the bathroom, but that would dirty my clothes.
‘No.’ Josh laughed and he swiped the T-shirt over his stomach, effectively mopping up the semen still clinging to his skin.
Oh.
When done, he threw it back to the floor.
‘I’ll put it in the hamper.’ I grabbed it up again, then tugged on my boxers. They’d go in the wash anyway, so it didn’t matter if I got lube all over them. Then I pulled my jeans on as well and left the room.
Slipping from my room to the bathroom shirtless wasn’t that big of a deal anymore. It had been before when I hadn’t been able to show my chest to anyone, not even Josh, but after almost two years living together I’d seen a lot more of all three of my flatmates than just a naked chest.
Silver and Kian weren’t even in the living room, but their bedroom door was open and I heard laughter, so they were home.
I took a hurried shower, not wanting to linger in case Josh wanted another.
But when I came back into the bedroom, dressed in a tee and joggers, he was dozing on the bed.
I stood next to the bed, gazing fondly down at him.
While sex hadn’t been my thing anyway, it had been worth trying it out with him. Now I at least knew for absolute certain it wasn’t for me—and he knew too it wasn’t really in the cards at all.
‘Come cuddle me,’ he said, waving my way without opening his eye
s.
I’d gladly do that.
‘Are you tired?’ I stretched out next to him, realising only as I slipped under the duvet that he was still bare-arsed naked. ‘Aren’t you going to put some clothes on?’
‘Can’t be arsed.’ He snuggled in close, tucking his head under my chin.
‘Do you plan on going to sleep? Because I’m not actually tired.’
‘I probably shouldn’t, or else I can’t sleep tonight. But… I want to stay here like this for a bit. Maybe we could watch a film?’ He suggested the last part after a brief hesitation.
‘Okay. I’ll get my laptop.’
Josh did put underwear and his joggers back on and when I came back to sit on the bed, he’d arranged the pillows against the wall so we could lean back against them. I dumped the computer on his lap and got comfortable. ‘Pick whatever you want.’
‘Whatever I want?’ He grinned slightly, opening the lid.
The screen came to life—and only then did I remember what exactly it was I’d closed it right in the middle of.
Josh blinked.
‘Since when do you watch porn?’ He glanced at me, clearly trying not to laugh.
‘I don’t.’ I felt a little bit panicked now. ‘It was Silver.’
Josh did laugh at that.
‘I should’ve known. Do you want to save this link?’
‘No.’
He clicked out of it, to my imminent relief.
‘Porn,’ he murmured, chuckling to himself as he brought up the video folder. ‘What do you want to watch then? Action, comedy, romance, romantic comedy?’
‘Anything but romance.’ That came out a little too quickly, with a little too much conviction. ‘I mean—well, yeah, that’s what I mean. Romance is exhausting.’
That only made him laugh again.
‘You’re lucky you have such an understanding boyfriend,’ he teased. ‘But considering what you’ve just done for me, I’m not going to take that to heart.’
‘You know I love you,’ I said airily, trying for as light a tone as he had, but not quite managing it. Still, it was the truth. But romance really was exhausting. Thinking so much about sex lately, to actually do it, and then figure out it wasn’t worth the hassle… yeah, exhausting.
‘How about Pirates?’ he suggested. ‘Jack Sparrow’s fun.’