by TT Kove
‘I said I would.’ I emptied the rest of my drink. The feeling of being watched was still there. It creeped me out, but that Cooper was here with me now made it a tiny bit better. ‘But if you’re busy…’ I nodded towards the blond bloke he’d been snogging, who was still in the corner of the room.
‘No, that’s okay.’ He tightened his arm around me. ‘Come on, I’ll buy you a drink.’
He did, and I drank, and the feeling of being watched stayed with me, but the alcohol dimmed it.
Eventually I forgot all about it.
Cooper might be a lot of things—untrustworthy, promiscuous, abuser of alcoholic beverages—but he always managed to get me in a good mood and to have fun.
I had no count on how many drinks I’d had. I shouldn’t really have been drinking, at least not this much, but for once it felt good to let loose completely.
Bodies pressed in on all sides on the dance floor, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except the music and the feeling of complete abandon the alcohol had left me with.
Cooper’s arms slid around my neck again, like earlier, and he leant in to speak in my ear.
‘This bloke’s watching us. Pretty sure he wouldn’t mind a threesome right here.’
I burst out laughing, because honestly… a threesome? With some random bloke and my cousin? My cousin who looked so much alike me we could’ve been brothers.
That was probably what that bloke was thinking, too. A threesome with siblings—twins. Wasn’t that a fantasy for some? Taboo one, but still.
‘Don’t you miss it?’
‘Miss what?’ I hadn’t been known to have threesomes, not even back at my most self-destructive.
‘Sex!’
Oh.
‘No, not really.’ I didn’t bother to tell him I had it sometimes. For all Cooper knew, Damian and I had never had sex. If I told him, he’d never let it go, and he’d likely tease Damian about it, and then Damian would dislike him even more. ‘I’ve had enough of that to last me a life-time.’ With anyone else but Damian, anyway. I could never get enough of him.
Cooper shook his head. He was still leaning in close to me, arms loosely wrapped around my neck as he moved his body to the music.
‘I still think it’s weird. Even after all these years.’
‘Good thing we’re not all like you.’ I said it teasingly, but I did mean it. I had been like Cooper once upon a time, but I’d settled down.
I wondered when he would settle down—if ever. I’d settled down early, before I was twenty, and he’d likely be late. If he continued like he did now he’d probably ruin his body before it even happened.
‘I miss the times we went out together and pulled blokes.’ He smacked a kiss on my cheek. ‘That was good times.’
It hadn’t been that often, what with him living in Bristol back then. But yeah… Pulling lads hadn’t ever been an issue for me back then. I hadn’t even had to try, they’d come to me.
‘I want to fuck you.’ The man’s voice was low, intense, hoarse from all the smoke inside the club.
‘As long as you’ve got a condom.’ I never had sex with anyone without protection—except Andrew, but I didn’t have a say in that. But this, this was my time, my choice.
‘Don’t you worry, laddie, I’ve got everything we need.’ He grinned down at me. ‘I’m going to fuck you nice and good.’
Hopefully, yes. I pushed him into the toilet stall and he reached behind me to lock the door once I was inside. His lips met mine in a hard, passionate kiss, and I returned it as I moved my hands down his body, slipping them under his shirt where they ghosted over a flat and hairy chest before going down to the hem of his trousers.
Running my hand over the front, I could feel he was already hard. I quickly, and with accustomed fingers, unzipped him.
I drew back from the kiss and wasted no time getting down on my knees. He leant against the wall, watching me with half-lidded eyes as I pushed his trousers and pants down his thighs.
The hard length fit just right in my hand. Looking up at him, I smiled faintly, then leant forward to get to work.
But that was years ago now. Back when I’d met Damian I’d just got through Andrew’s trial, and before that hospitalisation, so I hadn’t been out on the pull before I’d ended up in hospital that time. And I’d stayed in hospital for months.
‘Hey, lads.’ A man sidled up to us, his muscular arms going around both our shoulders.
Cooper grinned wickedly up at him, raising an eyebrow.
It must be the bloke who’d been eying us. Or perhaps others had been too. What did I know? All I knew was I didn’t like the way he leant in, the way he grinned predatorily, the way his arm was slung so familiarly around my shoulders.
‘You up for some fun?’
‘Sorry, mate, we’re otherwise occupied.’ Cooper delivered the line with utmost authority, while still maintaining that devilish grin.
‘Come find me if you change your mind.’ The bloke winked, and it honestly looked ridiculous, but I was just relieved he’d given up so easily.
‘You bet I will.’ Cooper turned back to face me once he danced off, rolling his eyes. ‘You bet I won’t.’
We headed back to the bar for more drinks. It wouldn’t be long till they closed now. The few times I’d been out since I met Damian, I’d never stayed until closing. That was before, when the last thing I’d wanted was to go home.
Once the bar closed, we stumbled out on the street. Cooper didn’t live all that far from us, so we headed the same way.
‘Must be a change for you, going home alone for once.’ I buried my hands in my pocket, slouching my shoulders, as we continued along the pavement towards home.
‘I don’t always go home with someone, you know,’ he countered. ‘I am capable of spending a night in my own company. It’s not as much fun though.’ He grinned.
‘I bet.’
Or not.
I’d never had a home to bring the blokes I pulled—we’d always had sex in clubs or pubs or in alleys, or sometimes in the home of whoever I’d been with.
‘You’ve got someone to go home to. Must be nice.’ He sounded wistful.
I glanced over, surprised.
‘You thinking about settling down with someone?’
He guffawed.
‘Who would that be? Who’d want me, anyway?’
‘Loads of people, I reckon.’
He snorted in contempt.
‘Oh, come on. You’re great!’ A bit messed up—okay, a lot messed up—but then who wasn’t? ‘I found someone. If I can, then you definitely can.’
I was harder to deal with than Cooper. A sexually abused, borderline wreck. While he abused alcohol and engaged in promiscuous sex. It would be easier for him to change his ways—because I couldn’t change mine. I would always be borderline. It wasn’t something that would ever go away because something was wrong in my brain.
‘Can we talk about something else, please?’ There was a whiny sound to his voice now.
I cast around for another topic, not willing to push him further. That would only lead to him turning stubborn.
‘Matt’s cutting.’
‘What?’
‘I saw it earlier. We went to dinner, and I think I saw cuts on his arms.’
‘Matt? That kid? Damian’s… whatever?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You think it’s serious? Like with you?’
I chuckled, but it wasn’t a happy sort of chuckle.
‘Not at all like me. My arms are ruined. I didn’t actually see anything, just the knife he kept tapping against his wrist. But he panicked when he noticed me. So… he must be doing it.’
‘Teenage angst. I remember what that was like.’ He sighed. ‘Those were the days.’
Hadn’t his teenage days been exactly like they were now? Except now he lived in London and not with his parents and so could do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, with who he wanted without my aunt nagging at him.
&nbs
p; ‘You’re still living them, Coop. Nothing’s changed, except the location.’
He tilted his head from one side to the other.
‘Yeah, you’re right.’
We walked in companionable silence then, until we had to part ways.
I walked faster once I was on my own. The feeling of being watched came back, exactly like in the club, but when I cast a quick look around I couldn’t see anyone. But it was dark, so… someone could be out there somewhere, without me able to see them.
I fumbled the key in the lock, but the door opened and I was quick to slip inside and shut it firmly after me. The door to the flat went easier and quicker to unlock, now I was in safety behind the locked front door. But something was wrong once I got inside and wanted to lock it after me. It jammed or something—but eventually it clicked as the lock slid in place.
A shaky breath left me and I thudded my head against it in relief.
No one can get through two locked doors without a whole lot of noise that will rouse everyone else in the building.
The flat was dark and silent. I tried to be as quiet as possible as I went about drinking a glass of water, brushing my teeth, and then changing into a tee and pyjama bottoms.
Damian’s breathing was deep as I lifted the duvet, but when I slid into bed next to him, he stirred. I froze, hoping I hadn’t woken him, that it was just him moving around in his sleep.
‘Did you have a good time?’
No such luck.
Not that I minded talking to him, of course, but I hated waking him when he was fast asleep. He needed his sleep, after all. He was the one who always had to deal with my nightmares.
‘I did, yeah.’ I could still feel the effect of the alcohol, though the high of it had been walked off.
He rolled over to face me. One arm was slung over my chest and his cheek rested lightly against my shoulder. He was warm from sleep and I inched a bit closer, wanting to share his warmth.
Tonight’s events kept rolling around in my mind. I shoved them away and focused on something happier.
‘Happy anniversary.’ It was way past midnight—which meant it was a new day. The first of August. We’d been together three years today. Still practically a whole day to go until it was actually three years though, seeing as we’d met at night, in the rain.
He pulled me into a tight hug.
‘Happy anniversary, Josh.’
I closed my eyes and breathed in the faint smell of his cologne.
‘I hope the next three years will be easier.’
‘Just the next three?’ he asked drily. ‘Surely you plan on being around for more than three years.’
‘Yeah.’ I chuckled. ‘Hopefully every year will be easier than the last three years have been. More good periods, less nightmares, less mood swings and drama.’
‘You’re working your way up there,’ he reminded me gently. ‘You’re seeing Vincent again on Monday, right?’
I nodded.
‘What do you feel about spending all day today at home? Just the two of us?’
‘What would we do?’ I asked, excited about the idea.
‘Whatever we want to do. Cuddle here in bed. Sleep the day away. Watch a film.’
‘Don’t you have to revise for your last exam?’ I didn’t want to take precious study-time away from him.
‘I’m good. I’ve studied hard all week—and I’ve got Monday and most of Tuesday to go through some small stuff.’
If he says so…
‘Then let’s spend all day together in bed.’
I settled down properly against him. His arm resting across my chest, and him pressed up against my side, felt so right.
Even after the years we’d been together, I was still floored by the fact that I had this, that I had him. That he managed to live with me, that he wanted to. That I had a relationship, and a good one at that, after everything I’d been through.
‘I’m glad you had a good time tonight.’
I tilted my head to the side so my cheek rested against the top of his. ‘Me too. But I feel even better being back here with you.’
He chuckled, deep in his chest.
‘Sappy.’
‘What can I say, you bring it out in me.’ I stroked his hair lovingly.
He sighed contently.
‘Love you.’
He was falling back asleep and I let him. My fingers still carded through his hair and I smiled to myself at the murmured words. Happiness flooded over me in such a rush I was afraid I’d drown. What we had was important, and even if other people thought it was weird, it was ours and it was good.
Here’s to another three years. Six years. Twelve.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
27
No Remorse
Josh
‘They let that fucker out on the streets?’ Chad stared at me, cup of tea halfway to his lips.
I nodded.
‘Yeah.’
‘Have they all gone insane? They can’t let that—that—paedo out! Think about all the kids he’ll go after!’ Chad sat his cup down without drinking from it, a little harder than he’d meant to as it splashed hot tea over his fingers. ‘Wow, fuck!’ He grabbed a napkin and dabbed at the back of his hand.
‘I think he’s after me,’ I admitted in a low voice. ‘I think someone’s following me and it has to be him.’
He blinked.
‘Can’t you call the coppers about that?’
‘I haven’t actually seen him, so… I don’t know.’ I shrugged.
I’d just met up with Chad at Harriet’s after my session with Vincent. It’d been a hard session—tears had been shed. Not that that was unusual for me—it was weird if I didn’t cry—but we’d talked a lot about my recent nightmares and my feelings about him being out and about now.
‘I can’t even write because I worry so much.’
Not that I’d tried much. Yesterday I’d stayed inside with Damian all day as we’d talked about, and writing hadn’t been on my mind at all then. I’d contemplated blogging this morning, but the words didn’t come so I’d abandoned it and headed for my appointment with Vincent.
The doors had fought me this morning too. Like they didn’t want to lock properly.
‘Maybe he’s messed with the locks at home,’ I said then, without really meaning to.
‘What?’ Chad looked at me weirdly now. ‘Why would he do that? Could he even do that?’
‘Don’t know.’ I stared down into my hot chocolate. It was the middle of summer but I felt chilly all the way through. The hot chocolate didn’t help at all.
‘Get someone to look at them then,’ Chad suggested.
And that was a good suggestion, but who? Who did we ring if we had problems with the locks on our doors?
Landlord was the obvious answer, but I didn’t know him. Damian and Silver dealt with that. They didn’t know much about locks either, as far as I knew.
Maybe Ray… He was good at lots of things. He worked in an office doing… something… but he’d singlehandedly put in their new kitchen, with some help from a licensed plumber or something. I remembered they’d talked about it one Sunday we’d been over for dinner.
‘I can message Damian’s uncle.’
‘Do that. Right now.’ Chad nodded at my phone which rested screen down next to my mug.
I typed in a message, hesitated in sending it, but when Chad gave me a look I quickly pressed send.
‘Done.’
‘Good. You should take that shit seriously.’
‘Like you take everything seriously.’ It was my turn to stare at him. ‘Paranoia is a symptom of borderline too, you know. Do you take your paranoia seriously when you’re manic?’
‘I take it seriously, yeah. It’s real for me. But I don’t have a psycho paedophile after me. I just hear my mother and occasionally my father, and a bunch of randoms talking shit in my head.’ He stared out the window at the bustling street outside. ‘And then there are the times I g
et really whacky. Like last Christmas when I freaked out completely at Jeremy’s parents’ house because I thought they were coming for us all.’
‘Who?’
He shrugged.
‘I don’t know. It was just a collective them. And they were coming for us and taking us away. And for me they really were outside, while the rest of them just thought I was crazy. I was, but still… Goes to show how fucked up my head is.’
I was glad I didn’t suffer psychosis. If I’d had that on top of everything else…
‘I’m not crazy. Not now. I know he’s out there. I know he wants revenge.’ I gripped my mug tight. ‘I put him in prison. He’ll never forget that.’
‘Am I the first person you’re telling this to?’ He leant forward slightly.
‘Yeah.’ I knew no one else would believe me. They all thought he’d stay away, that he wouldn’t risk more prison-time. ‘No one else will believe me. They all know paranoia is a cause of stress, and knowing he’s out there is really stressful.’
My phone vibrated and I practically fell out of my chair.
‘You’re high-strung,’ Chad commented.
How could I not be?
I checked my messages—and it was Ray. Telling me he was out of the office for a bit and he could come over right now if that was okay with me.
‘He’s coming over now.’ I sent back an affirmative.
‘Then you better skip on home.’ Chad drained his tea and stood. ‘Better get home myself.’
We walked together for a bit—and when he turned off down a side-street and I continued on on my own, I wrapped my arms around myself and glanced around surreptitiously. It was the middle of the day, there were people everywhere, and still I had the feeling of being watched.
But surely he couldn’t follow me all day, everyday? And I only felt it when I was alone.
Maybe I really was paranoid.
Maybe my stupid, dramatic, idiotic brain was simply playing tricks on me.
‘I can’t find anything wrong with any of the locks.’ Ray brushed off his jeans as he straightened back up.
‘Are you sure?’ I hugged myself as I hovered near him, anxiously staring at the lock to our front door.