by Rowena Mohr
Can you believe that? Can you believe that she seriously thinks I should have known that Brendan’s mother was about to have a breakdown? I just don’t see how I was supposed to know that. And I didn’t go to the hospital to visit her grandad so that makes me selfish! I’m really sorry that I don’t live up to Saint Rami’s incredibly high standards, but to be honest I don’t think there’s anybody out there who does – except maybe the Dalai Lama. At least that explains why she’s been giving me the big freeze-off. Stuff it! I don’t need her or Brendan.
After rehearsal, Dicko announced that we are going to have a working bee this Saturday to finish building all the sets and make the costumes and stuff. Normally, I’d have offered Dad’s services as a furniture-maker to come and help but since I’m not speaking to the two-timing toad at the moment, Dicko is just going to have to do without him. There’s no point asking Mum because I don’t think she even knows how to mend a sock!
Saturday 6 August 9.46 pm
Horrible, horrible day! It hadn’t occurred to me that since Dad and Dicko are such good buddies, he would have already asked him to come along to the working-bee. Doh! I realise now, of course, that’s why Mum didn’t want to come either, even though Creepazoid kept trying to drag her along. She might have warned me!
So anyway Creepazoid drives me and SLB to the theatre, but when I walk in there’s Dad in his old overalls hammering away at the staircase for Lucard’s castle like everything’s totally sweet – until he sees me, that is. Then he drops the hammer and gets this goofy look on his face like he used to when we were kids and he knew he’d done something wrong – like the time he took my bicycle apart but couldn’t figure out how to put it back together. Or the day he turned up at school for a parent–teacher meeting with his fly undone! Hellooo! Not quite in the same league, Dad! So anyway, I just gave him one of Mum’s dragon-lady looks and walked right past him as if he wasn’t there. What else was I supposed to do? I mean, I still don’t even know what’s going on – because no one will actually tell me! And there are not going to be any cosy little father–daughter moments until somebody does!
The same does not apply to SLB who, the minute he saw Dad, bounded onto the stage like a mentally-deficient puppy to say hello.
Then, just to round out the perfect day, Rami and Brendan show up joined at the hip, and proceed to pretend I don’t exist – although I did catch Brendan kind of looking over at me a couple of times – like he wanted to come and talk to me but Rami wouldn’t let him! If it wasn’t for Mrs Parisi, I’d have walked out right then. But she put me in charge of making the props and I couldn’t leave after that.
So there’s Dad and Dicko working away on the nightclub set, laughing and joking and having a great time. Creepazoid was helping Ms Simpson make this huge medieval-looking candelabra that’s going to hang in the nightclub and Rami and Brendan were supposed to be painting the set. Actually, they looked more like they were having one of those supposedly cute paint fights that you always see in crappy romantic comedies when the revoltingly happy young couple move in together and start renovating their dream home. Both ended up throwing way more paint on each other than they did on the walls – but of course nobody said a word.
Kerry Fennessy’s dad was in charge of rigging the lights (apparently he did a great job with the fairy lights and disco balls at Kerry’s brother’s twenty-first) but by the end of the day he’d had a few too many beers and he fell off the ladder. Fortunately he landed square in Lucy’s coffin, which Matt’s mum had just finished lining with satin-covered foam so he wasn’t hurt. The coffin, however, required major repairs.
While all this was going on, I was sitting in the auditorium trying to figure out how to make a giant syringe out of cardboard. It’s the one The Crew of Light use to stab Mandozer so I decided to make it super-enormous and with a really sharp point but it’s really hard to make cardboard sharp. It’s just not in its nature. I was just gluing on the tinfoil when Mrs Parisi came over and started chatting to me like I’d never accused her of having an affair with my father. I have to say that she’s good like that.
Anyway, after a while she started asking me about Mum and Dad and wanting to know how long they’d been separated and how I was feeling about it and all this sort of stuff. It was a bit weird talking to her about it – partly because up until last week I’d thought that she was responsible for them breaking up in the first place, and partly because Mum was now going out with one of her fellow teachers – namely Creepazoid. And of course, I forgot and actually called him Creepazoid to her face but I don’t think she was too upset because she had this little smile on her face when I said it.
But then as she was talking, I got the feeling that there was something going on that I didn’t know about. Especially when she started saying things like, ‘Erin, you do realise that there’s a very strong possibility that your parents aren’t going to get back together, don’t you?’ and, ‘I know it’s hard right now, but you have to remember that sometimes these things work out for the best.’
See what I mean? She knows something! But what?
And that wasn’t all. Just as she was about to leave she turned around to me and said, ‘Oh by the way, Erin, next time you decide to work on your diary in the school computer lab, make sure you don’t save it to the hard drive.’
Doh!! So that’s how she knew about the affair with my dad. Miss Pavlidis, the big snoop, must have found the diary and showed it to her. That means that Brendan really didn’t tell her and I was wrong about that too. God, I’m an idiot. I just wish I could learn to keep my big mouth shut. So that’s two things now that I need to apologise to Brendan for. Not that I’ll get the chance because I don’t think he’s ever going to speak to me again.
Sunday 7 August 11.21 am
Been thinking about what Rami said – about me being selfish. Is it true? Do I only think about myself? Maybe she’s right but I still don’t see how I was supposed to know that Mrs Russo was going to have a breakdown. And most of the time that Rami’s grandad was sick, she wasn’t even speaking to me!
Just because she’s such a humanitarian, sponsoring all her kids and stuff, doesn’t give her the right to criticise the rest of us. Does it? I know I’ve done some stupid things lately but I’m not a bad person. Just stupid. Like most people.
Tuesday 9 August 9.23 pm
Brendan IS speaking to me. We were having costume fittings at rehearsal tonight and part of my costume is these great purple suede lace-up boots that Mrs Parisi found in an op-shop. Anyway I was having a bit of trouble lacing them up because there’s about fifty eyelets in each boot. They’d obviously never heard of the zip back in the 70s! And Dicko’s yelling at us all to get on stage so he can have a look at us under the lights and I’ve only got half a boot on when Brendan comes over and asks me if I need any help.
I was a bit surprised, I have to say, and I looked around the dressing room to see if Rami was watching. Brendan got all narky then and said that he didn’t need Rami’s permission to come and talk to me. I told him that’s not the impression I got and he was just about to walk off when I realised what an idiot I was being and I yelled out, ‘Brendan!
I’m sorry. Could you help me with my boot, please?’ and he came back and we started chatting like nothing had ever happened while he finished threading the laces through the last twenty-five holes.
When I eventually limped on stage (I told Mrs Parisi size six-and-a-half but the boots must have been about a five) I nearly fell into the orchestra pit laughing. I swear it looked like the love-children of Starsky and Hutch and Charlie’s Angels were having a really daggy slumber party! But most hysterical of all was Creepazoid! He had suddenly acquired a black handlebar moustache and a pair of sideburns that looked like he had two small marsupials glued to the sides of his head. Even better, he was wearing VERY tight trousers with flares so wide you could park a dune buggy up each leg and a suede patchwork vest over a string singlet which made him look like one of the Village Peo
ple – or more like he’d been thrown out of a gay bar for unsuccessfully impersonating one of the Village People.
What a scream! We all stood around laughing at each other while Dicko tried to get us to shut up and it was a couple of minutes before I even realised what Brendan was wearing.
At first I couldn’t believe that he’d done it. Not after that whole scene with his mother and everything. But then I thought – it’s only an old suit. Who cares? And I have to admit that he looked fantastic. The pale pink really stood out against his dark skin and the jacket fitted him perfectly. He also had a white hat and a skin-tight purple shirt open to the waist which revealed his very un-hairy chest and lots of bling! He looked kind of like a trainee pimp – but one who hadn’t yet become hardened by his life of crime. He saw me looking at him and he struck this John Travolta Saturday Night Fever pose and we both laughed. And I think that was the end of that particular ghost!
Then suddenly everyone went quiet and we all turned around to see Mandozer strut onto the stage in, like, twenty-centimetre-high platforms sporting a nano-mini so tiny it barely covered her baby-maker, a push-up bra that must have been designed by an architect, and not much in between. Before the guys (including Creepazoid) had time to wipe the drool off their chins, Mrs Parisi had descended on her like a vampire bat, wanting to know who had given her permission to alter her costume and dragged her back to the dressing room yelling at her the whole way. Poor love! I thought she looked great! And she is playing a super-slut after all!
Wednesday 10 August 9.14 pm
Brendan sat down and watched Australian Idol with me after dinner. They were picking the last thirty to go into the heats and guess what? Mandozer was telling the truth! Damn! I can’t believe she actually made it through. Door Matt did too – but then he can actually sing!
Thursday 11 August 10.06 pm
Dicko threw such a tanty when he found out about Mandozer having to go to Sydney for the Idol finals. Matt had apparently told him weeks ago and he’d already found a replacement to take over his part in the show. When he discovered that he had to replace Mandozer as well, he went right off on his usual rant about professionalism and commitment, et cetera, and then chucked her out of rehearsal!
She started to flounce off like the second-rate diva she is, but then she remembered that Serena was still there so she turned back and yelled at her, like she was a dog or something, ‘Come on, Serena, we’re out of here!’
But Serena must have suddenly discovered that she does have a mind of her own (even if it is only a very tiny, pink fluffy one) because she stood her ground and said, ‘No, I’m not going. Rehearsal’s not over yet.’
Mandozer just looked at her like she’d suddenly realised that Serena bought all her clothes from Kmart, then turned around again and sashayed out the door with her nose in the air! What fun!
Bad news is that Door Matt’s replacement is hideous. Since every guy at Wilga Heights who could walk and talk at the same time is already in the show, Dicko had to ‘borrow’ someone from St Saviour’s, and I hate to think what their musicals are like if this is the best they’ve got to offer. The guy looks like a cross between Saddam Hussein and Donald Trump and has the sex appeal of a tablecloth. Yikes! And since he will now be playing my boyfriend in the show, almost all my scenes are with him. And I have this horrible suspicion that he fancies me. We ran through the scene where he sings to me and I swear he tried to stick his tongue in my ear! Eeuuww!
Friday 12 August 7.17 pm
At last! Creepazoid has decided to make his move. Overheard him on his mobile this afternoon setting up what is obviously some big drug deal. I heard him say something about Tony definitely being there and I’m pretty sure he was talking about Tony Cuoccolo, Vince’s brother. He also said something about there being kids involved so they’d have to be extra careful coz he didn’t want anyone getting hurt. Aww! What a nice guy! Doesn’t think about what the drugs he’s selling are doing to the kids, does he?
Friday 12 August 9.02 pm
OMG! I’ve just realised what’s going on. Creepazoid is not planning on doing a deal with Tony and Vince – he’s planning on taking over their turf. This is actually a gang war!! In boring old suburban Wilga Heights! I’m still not sure how they plan to do it but it sounds like Creepazoid’s going to use Vince to lead them to his brother and then WHAMMO! This could be a total bloodbath! The guy is a psycho. That’s it. I’m going to have to tell the police. I should have done it ages ago but I was trying to protect Mum – but now too many lives are at stake! Hey, perhaps I’ll get a reward – or maybe a medal!
Saturday 13 August 11.54 am
Mum and the Creep were having their usual Saturday morning croissants and coffee in bed so managed to sneak out of the house without being spotted and went down to the police station.
No wonder there’s so much crime around. There was this grumpy old cop behind the counter and I could tell just by looking at him that I was going to have trouble convincing him but I persevered with my civic duty, regardless. Well! I told him about Creepazoid and the phone conversations and the gun and how he was planning a gang war over the drug-dealing rights in Wilga Heights, and he’s just standing there nodding his head and going, ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh,’ like he’s heard it all before, and then when I finished he just looked at me and said that he’d seen that episode of Blue Heelers too even though it was never the same after Lisa McCune left. What a joke!
Anyway I’m back to square one. Vince and Tony are going to get blown away by Creepazoid and his gang, if I don’t do something. Not to mention the collateral damage.
The thing is – what can I do about it? It’s like I’ve stumbled across this major crime on our very doorstep and no one will believe me. I’m beginning to feel like someone in a movie who uncovers a secret conspiracy that is so horrible, so evil, that everyone they tell thinks they’ve gone psycho – and eventually they start to doubt their own sanity – until of course the conspiracy is revealed as true and then everyone wonders why they didn’t listen to the hero in the first place. One day, they’ll all come crawling back to me saying, ‘Oh Erin, we’re so sorry we didn’t believe you. You were the only one who saw through Creepazoid’s charming exterior to the darkness within and we should have listened to you. We’ll never doubt your superior powers of perception again.’
There’s nothing else for it. I’m going to have to warn Vince. Much as I loathe the low-life slug I can’t let him be wasted by Creepazoid without a chance to defend himself.
Sunday 14 August 9.20 pm
Mum and the Creep took Brendan to visit his mum in hospital. Mum said she’s much better but Brendan was really quiet for the rest of the night. He didn’t even want to watch Idol with me.
Monday 15 August 4.46 pm
Didn’t get a chance to talk to Vince today as he’d chucked a sickie from school. He’s gonna need more than a day off school when Creepazoid gets hold of him!
Tuesday 16 August 8.37 pm
The show opens next week and everyone is so excited. Everyone except Dicko and Brendan, that is. Dicko is having a total panic attack because Serena Immas only has a week to learn Mandozer’s part and seeing as how she was still having trouble remembering her own two-and-a-half lines, I think his panic is totally justified. Brendan, on the other hand, seems like he’s just going through the motions, like it doesn’t really matter to him whether the show’s good or bad or even whether he’s good or bad. If I didn’t know him better, I’d say he was just trying to be cool or something, but I know it’s more than that.
What a hypocrite! Creepazoid just knocked on my door and said he needed to have a chat! He saw me talking to Vince C this afternoon during rehearsals and now he’s freaked because he thought I was spilling the beans – which I was. Of course, he couldn’t admit that so he pretended that he thought I was trying to buy drugs from him! Not only that, he then had the hide to tell me I should stay away from Vince because he’s trouble and I didn’t want to get mixed up with his so
rt. He should know what his sort is, shouldn’t he?
What actually happened was this – I managed to get Vince alone and tell him about Creepazoid and guess what? He didn’t believe me either. He just laughed when I told him that the Creep was a rival gang leader and he was planning on taking over his turf. Said Creepazoid barely knew one end of a joint from the other and didn’t think he was going to be much threat. That’s the thanks I get for trying to save the guy’s life! You know what I think? I think he and Creepazoid truly deserve each other, and if they end up blowing each other’s brains out then so much the better!
Wednesday 17 August 4.08 pm
No one will believe me about the drug war in Wilga Heights and there’s nothing else I can do. There will be blood on the streets and I will not have been able to stop it. I don’t even know when Creepazoid is going to make his move. I guess all I can do is wait and see if he’s planning another ‘night out with the boys’ anytime soon. Although what good that will do I don’t know, since there is literally no one I can tell who seems to care.
Thursday 18 August 9.23 pm
Damn! Just found out that Dicko has asked Dad to operate the lights. Great! This whole thing is turning into a complete circus! Perhaps Dicko should change the name to The Costello Family Freak Show with Special Guest Star Creepazoid.
All I can say is that Dad had better keep away from me and stay behind the lighting desk where he belongs.
Saturday 20 August 5.27 pm
Creepazoid stalked me all day just to make sure I don’t try to ruin his plans again. Feel like a prisoner of war. Wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up tomorrow morning and find the house surrounded by searchlights and razorwire!
Sunday 21 August 10.05 pm
With all the Creepazoid drama going on, nearly forgot to watch Idol. Thank God I didn’t because Mandozer was on. They’ve divided the finalists into groups of ten and then three of them get to go through to the top twelve. Call me optimistic, but I’m pretty sure she’s going to be on a plane home about this time tomorrow night. And I know I’m not the world’s greatest singer either but it sounded to me like Mandozer didn’t have a clue what key the song was in. She’d get to the end of a line and then she’d start warbling up and down and around like she knew the note was there somewhere – she just had to keep going until she found it. Seriously, it was crap! Unfortunately, now have to wait till tomorrow night to find out if I’m right.