by Rowena Mohr
So that’s it. That’s what Dad was supposed to tell me and Ben but didn’t have the guts. That he’s gay. That he and Mr Dixon are a couple and obviously have been for a while.
I didn’t even know what to think – or who to be angry at. Dad, obviously, for lying to us and to Mum for . . . how long? Months? Years? Their whole marriage? Mum for not telling us when she had the chance. Myself for being so blind I didn’t see the evidence that was under my nose. While I was busy imagining all that stuff that wasn’t true – Creepazoid being a drug dealer, Dad and Mrs Parisi – I missed what was actually happening: Dad and Mr Dixon spending every Saturday at the hardware store and falling asleep on the couch watching old black-and-white movies.
I don’t actually remember doing the show but I guess I must have got through it okay. Brendan came up to me after our seduction scene and asked me if I was all right but I said I was fine and he shrugged his shoulders and went off to get ready for his next entrance. It wasn’t until after the show was over and everybody was kissing everybody else and giving them flowers and stuff that I sort of woke up again. And then I did something really stupid! Really, really stupid. I could see Dad was still at the lighting desk so I marched up through the auditorium and, in front of everyone, started yelling at him.
‘When were you going to tell us, Dad? When were you going to tell me and Ben?’
At first he just gaped at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about and then he started looking really guilty. He was holding out his hands to me like he was begging me for something – ‘Erin, love, I’m sorry . . .’ – but I wouldn’t listen. I just kept yelling at him.
‘Did you think we wouldn’t find out? Or that it wouldn’t matter? Or did you just not think about us at all? Because that’s what it feels like.’
‘Erin, stop. I know you’re upset but this is not the time or the place . . .’
‘What’s the matter, Dad? Too scared to come out of the closet? Ashamed of being gay? You should have thought of that before you went ahead and wrecked all our lives for something you’re too chicken to even stand up for . . .’
That’s when Mum and Brendan came and dragged me off down the stairs. I think I was probably a bit hysterical by then because I remember shouting out to everyone – kids, parents, teachers – ‘My father’s a liar! No, worse than that – he’s a living lie!’ and Mum hissing to Brendan, ‘Come on, let’s get her out of here before she starts calling him “an abomination in the sight of the Lord”’.
They practically threw me into the car and Mum took off like she’d been having TV cop-style driving lessons from Creepazoid. Brendan got into the back seat beside me – probably to make sure I didn’t fling myself out of the car in suicidal hysteria – and I just sat there listening to Mum going on about having to be grown-up about other people’s choices and not hating my father too much and trying to understand how hard it was for him – blah blah blah! And I was okay. I was doing fine. Until Brendan put his arm around me. And then I started crying and I haven’t been able to stop.
Tuesday 30 August 1.17 pm
Didn’t go to school yesterday or today. Couldn’t face anyone. Mum was going to make me – we had a huge fight about it – but then I vomited on her shoes and she gave in. Of course, SLB trotted off like nothing had happened.
Feel terrible, all shivery and shaky. Maybe because I haven’t slept – or maybe this is just how you feel when everything comes crashing down around you.
Tuesday 30 August 4.21 pm
Must have fallen asleep because Creepazoid, Ben and Brendan are home. Creepazoid knocked on my door and asked me how I was feeling. How does he think? And then Brendan came and sat on the end of my bed for a while and held my hand which just made me feel worse.
Tuesday 30 August 6.11 pm
Mum just got home from work so of course she had to come and check that I wasn’t faking it. I willed myself to vomit on her again but there was nothing left to throw up.
Wednesday 31 August 3.07 am
Awake again. Absolutely freezing.
Had a dream about Dicko standing up in front of the whole school at assembly and declaring that he had a very important announcement to make. I was right up the back behind all these really tall kids and I was desperately trying to push through them so I could get to him before he told everybody about my father being gay. I got about halfway through when this kid turned around to look at me and it wasn’t a kid at all – it was Mrs Parisi. She smiled at me in this really sarcastic way and said, ‘Don’t worry, Erin. It’s about time they knew the truth, the whole truth.’
Think I’m going crazy!
Wednesday 31 August 11.51 am
Mum wanted to take me to the doctor but I got all hysterical and told her I wouldn’t go. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I was screaming and crying and carrying on like she’d just told me she was going to have me put down or something.
I’m starting to scare myself.
Wednesday 31 August 4.33 pm
Mum just tried the whole mother–daughter bonding crap on me but I didn’t fall for it. She told me why she walked out of the restaurant on my birthday – remember? When Dad was telling his story about me breaking my arm? The reason she was so upset about it was because that was the first time that they met – Dad and Mr Dixon. And she said that she knew right then – even before Dad did – that something was going to happen!! Don’t know if I believe her or not and anyway, what difference does it make?
Wednesday 31 August 9.53 pm
How ironic is that? Finding out that Dad and Mr Dixon probably only met because of me.
september
Thursday 1 September 4.08 pm
Rami dropped by to give me the homework I’ve missed out on this week. At first I thought she’d really just come to see Brendan but then she said that she was sorry about being so hard on me – you know, for not telling anyone about Brendan’s mum. I tried to be glad she was talking to me again but I don’t think I was very convincing.
Friday 2 September 5.11 pm
I think every person I’ve ever met has tried to talk me into going back to school. I wish they’d all just leave me alone.
Saturday 3 September 1.09 pm
Mum cracked it and said she’d had enough of me mooning around the house feeling sorry for myself and I was going back to school whether I wanted to or not. I told her ‘No way!’ and we had another huge fight. She said that there was really nothing wrong with me and that I’d just worked myself up into a state of hysteria!! What would she know?
Mum came back in and said that she understood how I was feeling but I couldn’t just stop going to school. I suggested that maybe I could go to boarding school – you know, one of those places where everyone goes on skiing trips to Switzerland once a year – but Mum just snorted loudly and said that at the moment she couldn’t afford to pay for the school shoes let alone the school fees. And then she said she’d speak to the headmaster about taking me off the netball team but the rest I was just going to have to deal with. So much for your mother being your best friend!!
Sunday 4 September 7.37 pm
Can’t do it. I can’t go back to school. She can’t make me.
Can she?
Actually I think she can – or the government can – or the police or something.
Sunday 4 September 8.20 pm
Brendan just knocked on my door. I thought, ‘Oh great! Mum’s sending in the heavy artillery.’ But he didn’t give me the big brother routine or anything, he just perched on the end of my bed and started to tell me about his mother. He’d been to see her that afternoon and he told me that the doctors were really pleased with her and that she would probably be coming home soon. I tried to act interested but it was like he was talking to me underwater. It all seemed so far away, so irrelevant. But then he started to tell me about that first day back at school – after his mother was taken to the hospital – and how terrified he’d been of walking through the front gates. He started to laugh then.
‘It’s stupid, isn’t it? I’ve walked through those gates every day for five years without even thinking about it, but that morning I just wanted to run away somewhere and hide. I didn’t think I could stand people looking at me, laughing at me behind my back or – worse – being nice to me.’
I knew what he was trying to do but it didn’t help. It wasn’t the same thing at all. There was no chance at all, for instance, that the kids were going to be nice to me. They were going to crucify me, disembowel me and leave the bleeding carcass hanging over the school fence. They were going to stand me on a chair in the middle of the playground and throw rocks at me. They were going to make sure that everybody in the world knew what a freak I was.
Brendan was looking at me like he knew what I was thinking – as usual.
‘We make a great pair, don’t we?’ he said. And he started to laugh again.
And then I realised. What Brendan had been trying to tell me the other night about wanting to be normal. He wasn’t talking about being boring, about becoming an exact clone of everyone else. He was talking about not exposing yourself, not making yourself a target. And that’s exactly what had happened to both of us. And then I realised something else. I wasn’t angry at my father for being gay. I was angry at him because he had left us – his family – ripped apart like a wildebeest carcass on a David Attenborough documentary, and laid bare to the scorn and ridicule of anyone who cared to come and rubberneck at our stinking, rotten secrets.
And like an idiot, I began to cry. In front of this guy whose whole family had more or less disintegrated around him. And then I felt even more pathetic. But Brendan didn’t say anything. He just sat there looking at me like he understood and so I told him that I didn’t think I could face my father or Mr Dixon ever again and how angry I was that Dad hadn’t thought about how this would affect his family.
‘Erin, do you remember what you said to me when I pulled out of Dracula?’
‘Probably something I shouldn’t have.’
He smiled. ‘You told me that I was doing the show for the wrong reasons. That I shouldn’t do it for my mother – or my father or brother – but that I should do it for me. Because I loved singing and performing and that was who I was.’
‘So?’
‘What happens when you apply that same philosophy to your dad? Imagine for a moment that your dad is not your dad. He’s just this guy who has suddenly realised that he’s not who he’s pretended to be for years. Shouldn’t he also have the choice to live his life for himself instead of for his family?’
‘But that’s different. He’s got responsibilities towards us. He married Mum and had kids – nobody forced him to do that. Now he just wants to walk away from us all and act like it never happened.’
‘I hardly think that moving to the next suburb so he can still be near you and see you every weekend constitutes walking away. Think about it, Erin. If he really did want to abandon you all, he could have done it easily.’
Damn Brendan! Why does he have to be so logical?
Sunday 4 September 9.49 pm
Just realised – today was Father’s Day.
Monday 5 September 4.24 pm
Mum drove me to school this morning and practically pushed me out of the car when we got there. SLB ran off as well and I was seriously thinking about throwing myself under a train when Brendan came up behind me.
‘Don’t chicken out now,’ he said.
‘I can’t do it. I can’t go in there.’
‘Look, it’s a bit like being up on stage. The first time you do it, you feel so exposed. You think everyone’s laughing at you and maybe they are and maybe they’re not. But if you let them know you’re scared then they’ll smell it and they’ll go after you. Trust me.’
‘Okay.’ And I took a deep breath and walked through the gates.
And do you know what happened? It was just as awful as I expected it to be. They teased and tormented me all day, making up jokes and laughing at me behind my back. And in a way it was all my own fault. If I hadn’t announced to practically the whole school that my father was gay, they might never have found out. I mean, it’s not like Dad and Mr Dixon have been strolling through the school grounds hand-in-hand or anything.
But do you know what else? In a really strange way I’m glad they know because at least it means that it’s out in the open and I don’t have to walk around in a constant state of fear wondering when they were going to find out. Some consolation, huh?
Oh, and SLB was beaten up by some boys at lunchtime and got sent home. For once his motor-mouth couldn’t save him. He’s all right, though, only a few bruises. You know, in a way it must be harder for him coz I guess he’s now got to prove to everyone that he’s not gay too by acting twice as heterosexual. No easy task for an all-singing, all-dancing thirteen-year-old! And what if he is gay? I think he’d better add kick-boxing to his repertoire. He’s gonna need it!
Tuesday 6 September 5.33 pm
I’m so glad that I can be such a source of enjoyment to my fellow students. Not content with following me around all day yesterday with a limp wrist and a lisp, Ivan the Smellable and best mate Kerry Fennessy kept pretending to pash each other all through English until Mrs Parisi sent them to the Principal’s office. First though, she told them that those guys who appeared to be most threatened by gay men usually turned out to be gay themselves. Had a good laugh about that one.
Since Creepazoid is no longer undercover we now have a new PE teacher. Don’t know what happened to poor Mr Estrella but this new guy is even worse than the Zoid – if that’s possible.
Have successfully avoided home-wrecker Dixon for the last two days.
Also missed seeing Door Matt on Idol. He is now in the top twelve and is going to be living in the Idol house and making albums and doing live performances and stuff. Not bad for a kid from Wilga Heights! Mandozer must be turning green from the inside out.
Tuesday 6 September 7.49 pm
Mum told us at dinner tonight that Dad is going to come over for lunch on Saturday. Had a panic attack and nearly choked on the spag bol. Mum just gave me one of her dragon-lady looks and said, in her usual caring–sharing way, that I was going to have to face him sometime so she didn’t want to hear any excuses.
Does he even realise the humiliation he’s caused us? Has he got any idea of what the last week has been like for me and Ben? No! And I bet he doesn’t even care. Yet I’m supposed to sit there on Saturday and be all understanding and supportive and not judge him. Stuff that!
Wednesday 7 September 6.55 pm
Mandozer came up to me after geography today and said that now she understood how I’d got the role in Dracula – implying that Dicko had given me the part because he was going out with my father. Troll! I was so furious that I just wanted to punch her right in her smug little cat-face and I think I probably would have if Rami hadn’t suddenly appeared and stopped me. She must have heard what Mandozer said because, as she was dragging me away, she turned around and said, ‘Hey, Mandozer? How do you know he doesn’t fancy your father too? Oh, that’s right. Your mother doesn’t know who your father is!’
Can you believe Rami actually said that? That is so not like her. I know she was just trying to protect me and I guess I’m grateful. It’s just that things are still a bit weird between us and it’s kind of like we’ve forgotten how to act around each other.
Thursday 8 September 4.19 pm
Only one more day and I’ll be sitting having lunch with my treacherous, lying, cheating father. I can’t do it. I just can’t. Mum can’t make me.
Friday 9 September 5.36 pm
Trying not to think about tomorrow but it’s hard because everyone keeps reminding me. You’d think they’d be sick of all the pathetic jokes by now, but no – every day they manage to sink just that little bit lower than the day before. Today, for instance, Ivan and his mates outdid themselves. They raided the music room and put on an impromptu drag show in the Year 10 Common Room during lunchtime. Ivan was pret
ending to be Dicko prancing around the room with a couple of oranges shoved down his shirt, when Dicko himself suddenly appeared at the Common Room door. I’d been trying to leave but Mandozer and her coven were standing in front of the door and wouldn’t let me out. And there I am, face to face with Mr Dixon, and all I wanted to do was get out of there as quickly as possible. And Mr Dixon’s looking at me, and then at Ivan, trying to make his mind up what he wants more – to talk to me, or to give Ivan what-for for making fun of him. Eventually Mandozer realised that Dicko was right behind her and stepped away from the door so I sped off down the corridor like an Olympic sprinter. Creepazoid would have been proud of me.
Saturday 10 September 10.10 am
D-Day. I’m not doing it, I’ve decided. I’m not going to tell Mum. I’m just going to act normal till Dad arrives and then I’m going to lock myself in my room. I’ll even help Mum with the salads but I am not going to sit at the same table with my father and play happy families.
Saturday 10 September 3.09 pm
Everything went according to plan. Helped Mum out making potato salad and marinating some chicken for the barbie, then as soon as I heard Dad’s old Holden pull up in the drive I headed for my room and locked the door. They didn’t even suspect anything until it was too late. Mum cracked it when she realised I wasn’t planning on coming out. She was ranting and raving on about how immature I was and how much trouble she’d gone to, to set up this meeting with my father, and the least I could do was give him a chance – blah blah blah – nothing I hadn’t heard before. Finally she gave up and I could smell the chicken on the barbeque so I knew they’d forgotten about me. I just lay on my bed and read Emma – we’re comparing the book and the movie – Clueless, that is, in English – and waited for Dad to leave.