27 The last Goodbye
“So what happens now,” there was deep concern in her eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was worried about what was going to happen when we handed over the processor, or if it was something else. My thoughts centered on what would happen to her once all of this was over, once I walked out of her life.
“We hand over the processor and you go on with your Life. It’s over. Joed and Noor go back to where they came from and I go away. I told you Joed and I were able to work something out. The less you know the better.” Disappointment filled her eyes as she looked away from me.
“You just go away,” her voice was barely a whisper.
‘It’s for the best. You know that and I know that.” My chest began to ache as I talked about leaving her. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Her presence in my life had been my calm in a never ending storm. She made me want to live life, want more from my meager existence and lack of stability. I wanted a life with her, but at what cost?
“Do you want to go?” Her question was a like a brick hitting me in the chest. She looked up into my eyes and they were filled with tears. How could she possibly think I wanted to leave her again. The days I had left her in Oregon were agonizing. My thoughts did nothing but swirl around her. Joed had even commented that I looked like a sad little puppy that had lost its way home. I don’t think he realized just how right on he was about that observation.
“No.” I turned my body and touched her face. “Absolutely not.” My thumb slowly grazed back and forth on her cheek and she reached up and touched my arm. She had become quite fond of tracing my cross tattoo. And each time she did, it sent electrical shocks pulsing through my body. “But you have a life to live and your life started out without me and I think it is better off without me.”
Even if it was possible for us to have a life together, she would have to give everything up for us to be together; her career at the Labs, her home, her beloved Albuquerque. Nothing could remain the same. The only thing I could guarantee her was that she would want for nothing and she would have my unconditional love for all eternity. I wasn’t sure that was enough. I didn’t want that to be all for her. She deserved more in life than just me.
“How can you know that? That I am better off without you?” Her voice was full of anguish as she continued to trace my tattoo. She did not look me in the eyes even though I desperately wanted to see through to her soul.
“I know. It’s as simple as that.” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me. “You deserve so much more. You deserve a husband that isn’t on the run all the time, a family, children. This,” I paused, “is all stuff I can’t give you.” She tried to pull away from me but my grip was too tight. “No.” I proclaimed making sure my hold was iron clad.
“Jack?” she protested looking up at me. I stopped the protests by gently placing my lips on hers. Her eyes grew big and after a few seconds she gently pulled away. But she didn’t say anything. She gently laid her head back on my shoulder and her hand moved from my arm to my chest. “Jack,?” this time I let her speak.
“Yes?”
“The tattoo on your chest?” She paused for just a minute and then looked back up into my eyes. “What does it mean?” I had forgotten all about her seeing the tattoo on my chest in DC.
“It’s Latin,” I said quietly “Father, I have sinned.” I gazed into her eyes as I answered her question. She was not surprised by words.
“I know what it says, but what does it mean?” Alison touched my chest again and began to rub back and forth.
I knew this question was coming at some point in time. I just thought it would have been sooner rather than later. I had thought over and over about what I was going to tell her but still the words did not come easily. Telling her the meaning behind it, meant telling her about all the wrong I had done and give her an idea of who I really was. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that.
I stayed quiet contemplating my words to her. She once again looked into my eyes and smiled. “Well?” I couldn’t resist the temptation and I lowered my head and began to kiss her gently on the lips. But her response made me hungry for more. I groaned as I moved my hands from around her body to her arms. She responded to my kiss, and greedily took more. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I felt her shift her body again and her hands came to a rest on my chest. I felt her push hard on my chest to separate us.
As our lips parted her forehead came to rest on mine. “You aren’t answering me,” she said almost completely out of breath.
“Why do you want to know?” I was trying to avoid the inevitable.
Her hands traveled to my shoulders and then to my face. “Because it is a part of you and I want to know about you.” She looked directly into my eyes and I wasn’t sure how to answer her. The jewel tone of her eyes mesmerized me and I had to look away. I was afraid if I told her details of my life she would run away and never look back. “We’ve had this conversation Jack. Please give me something? Why do you have it?”
I took a deep breath before I answered. “I’ve done some bad things Sonny, and I will never see heavens gates. No matter how many times I confess what I have done, all the penance in the world will not save me.”
She shot me a confused look, “So you’re saying you are damned for all eternity then?” she looked at me horrified. “I don’t believe it. It goes against everything that is written on your chest.” She shook her head in disbelief.
I shifted my body and moved her away from me so I could look into her eyes as we talked. I wanted her to see and hear what I had done and take it all in. “I’m not one of the good guys.” She did not turn away from me as I continued. “You know I was in the Marine Corps and served in the first Gulf War, Marine Recon. I was in one of the units that was sent to rescue a downed pilot. The only one downed.” I looked into her eyes, now to see if I should continue. “We never made it to him because we were ambushed by the Iraqi Republican Guard. They knew we would come looking for our pilot. The bullets flew and some of our men fell. We couldn’t get to them, and Marines don’t leave Marines behind. We watched from a distance and waited for a chance to get them out, they tortured them.” I stopped for a brief second. She listened, and I didn’t see fear or anger, so I continued. “They did things you could never imagine and we couldn’t do a damn thing. They were dying before our eyes.” I felt her body shudder but she still did not take her eyes off of me. “They finally left them there for dead.” I shook my head in disgust remembering that dark night as vividly as it was really happening. I could still see the man’s bloodied face staring up at me. I could see the pleading in eyes. I felt Alison’s hand on mine and continued, “He was almost there when we reached him. He knew as well as we did that he wasn’t going to make it back to base. He was suffering and in the worst pain imaginable. I did what I thought was right, I gave him more morphine than I knew I should. His last words before he closed his eyes were ‘Father I have sinned’, in Latin.”
Alison removed her hand from mine and gently put her hand on the side of my face. Her warmth was comforting but the anger of the memories filled me. “I killed a man Alison. What if the medics and docs could have saved him, or a priest give him his last rights. I took that from him. And I have killed since then.”
The look in her eyes did not change. She looked at me with the same love and admiration as if I had just told her I saved a man’s life that night. My chest ached as I realized it didn’t matter to her what I had done. “I took his life, I murdered him. There is no justification for it. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like I took his sin and brought it to me. At least he can knock on heavens gates.” Her eyes were dry but I could see the pain in them as much as she could see the pain in mine. I had never readily told anyone that chapter of my life, not even Paige.
“You did what you thought was right. How is that wrong?”
“Alison, you have to understand, I have no problem killing if it suits my purpose. It’s part of who I am and what I have done
. This,” and I pointed to the words on my chest, “this is just a reminder. I am too chicken shit to ask for forgiveness the way I should.”
Alison slowly and carefully reached for the bottom of my shirt began to pull it over my head. I followed her movements and helped her as she took it over my head. It landed somewhere on the floor but I wasn’t sure where. My eyes and my mind were focused on her. “’Was Seth there,” she whispered.
“Yes,” I managed to breathe out as she began to touch the words that were written on my chest.
“And the cross, Lance said it’s unique in the Marine Corps?” I saw things clearly now as I realized Lance had told her a little about the tattoo on my arm. It had become legendary in the Corps.
I nodded my head before I opened my mouth. Her hands moved from the words and onto my chest. “Those of us that survived from our unit that night have them. Seth’s is on his shoulder. I am the only one with these words written on my chest.
Her face twisted in confusion again. “How did Lance know about it?”
I only shook my head. “Sometimes people become the stuff of legends and not by choice. We brought our men home from an impossible situation. They weren’t alive but we brought them home. For a Marine, there were no other options. Others saw that as something heroic. I saw it as failure.” This time it was my turn to wince. It didn’t matter that almost twenty years had passed, it was still fresh in my mind. Alison’s hands were still on my bare chest. I wanted desperately to look her in the eyes now that she knew just a part of me and to see if she still looked at me with the same with her exquisite green eyes.
I took another deep breath in through my nose and let it out as I brought my head up to meet her gaze. Her eyes were full of sympathy, compassion, most importantly something I had never expected to see after telling that part of my life - acceptance.
“You’re wrong you know. You’ve been forgiven.”
I sat their staring at her in disbelief. I wasn’t sure she was right, or was she? I had contemplated that so many times, I had lost count.
She slowly leaned in and gently kissed my lips, then she brought my hand to her lips and kissed each finger lightly. Her lips traveled up my arm to my neck and finally my lips again. She moved to press her body against mine.
Her kiss was tender and her mouth sweet. I took her in with my eyes and my lips. But as we became engrossed in the passion we both wanted, a realization over took me. As much as I wanted her I couldn’t do this to her. We had been here before and I had the self-control to stop. I needed to gain some control now and stop before we went too far. A man I was, chivalrous I was not. But knowing I was soon going to have to walk out of her life forever, making love to her was not something I could do without hurting her more.
I gently pulled my lips from hers and pushed her away as she leaned even closer. Her hands continued from my chest to my shoulders and to my face.
“Sonny,” I meagerly tried to get the words out. “Please.”
She pulled away finally, confusion in her eyes. “Jack?”
I took a deep breath to regain my composure. “Sonny, I want you more than you know. “ I took her face in my hands and gently kissed her lips.
“But?” I could see disappointment fill her eyes. The future was something I could not see, but I didn’t see how it was even possible for me to have a future with her.
“No buts. I won’t do this to you.”
She pulled herself away from me and sat back on the bed. “Then you are stronger than I am.” The disappointment faded away and a smile crossed her face. “Tell you what we can revisit this conversation tomorrow night when all this is over and done with. And I am of my own free will to decide what is best for me.”
We would not revisit this conversation tomorrow but I wasn’t going to take away that hope or the beautiful smile that warmed my heart. “Come here.” I reached forward and grabbed her into my arms. I cradled her gently and let her trace my tattoo. I kissed the top of her head and leaned back against the pillow. We talked about almost everything that night. I let her ask everything that was on her mind and I did not refuse to answer.
I told her more about my childhood in Ireland, the rolling green hills, and the grandparents I loved dearly. I talked about the family vacations to the Azores. My father had visited the Island during World War II and took my mother and I there often. It was always happy there. I had only been back a few times since my father was killed. But I told her of my dream to stay there for a while. I wasn’t sure that dream would ever come true at this point though.
I told her more about Paige and our life together. I told her of the great pain we both had felt when she lost the baby and my regrets of not being there for her more. She listened to my words intently, not interrupting, even to ask me to elaborate. I told her about the home I kept in Virginia, the one I seldom went to. She asked about my mother and I told her I tried to talk to her often, but she had started a new life in Washington State with a man and she was happy.
The night wore on and I could tell she was getting tired. She tried desperately to stay awake. Like her, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her before the dawn broke over the horizon. Joed and Noor had each taken separate rooms on either side of ours. I held her tightly and she slept soundly in my arms no nightmares to interrupt her.
I slept little, waiting impatiently for the end of it all. I didn’t want to fall asleep and have the dream. I knew how it was going to end. I wasn’t going to ever reach the surface of the water, nor was I ever going to get up from the floor of the wretched cell. I was damned to remain there, no matter how hard she tried to break those bars or pull me through the water. I would never be the soul she needed or deserved.
27 Diablo Stadium
Joed had made arrangements for us to meet at the Tempe Diablo stadium the next day. Spring training was over and the Angels were back in LA. It would be empty and the parking lot was open enough for us to hand over the processor to the Israeli’s. I knew who had facilitated the bogus hand off in Tel Aviv and who had put Alison in danger. I had always had a suspicions but my trip back to DC with Joed had brought to light many revelations. It was bigger than what I thought, bigger than what all of us thought.
I managed to pull myself out of bed and not wake Alison. I quickly showered and made a fresh pot of coffee. Hotel coffee was not my favorite but it satisfied the need. I wanted to go for a run, to clear my head, but I was afraid Alison would wake up and panic if I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to make her panic. She was already nervous about the events ahead.
I heard a soft knock at our door and looked out to see Noor holding cup holder with four Starbucks cups in it. I quickly opened the door and stepped out to meet her.
“How’d she sleep,” she asked quietly as I took two of the cups from her. Joed came out of his room in time to grab one of the remaining cups.
“Soundly.” I said grateful to be able to say the truth.
“My people have agreed to what you have asked Jack. It will go as you requested.“ I knew what he was referring to and I knew how it would all play out. I had played it in my head over and over throughout the night as Sonny slept next to me.
“Good,” I managed to say as I gently nudged the door open with my foot. “Thank you Joed, Noor.”
She smiled, “You’re welcome. I figured you would need it.”
“No, thank you for taking care of her.” I owed this woman a lot. She had never been more than a colleague, and an antagonistic one at that. Our paths had crossed many times throughout our careers and this I gathered would be the final time it would cross.
I turned and walked back into the room to find Sonny sitting up in bed. Her tank top had fallen off of her shoulder exposing the top of her round breast. I had to shake away the urge to throw the coffee to the side and crawl into bed with her. I resisted the urge and handed her the coffee.
She said thank you quietly and did nothing to fix her top.
The morning ticked slowly by
as we waited for the afternoon to arrive. I tried desperately to get Alison to eat something but each time she refused. She claimed it was her nerves. I didn’t argue with her. By the time it was time to leave, I could read the anxiety in her body language.
It was a warm day in Phoenix. Warmer than it was supposed to be for this time of the year. Alison held my hand tightly as we walked out of the hotel to the car we had picked up the night before. We had left the BMW in the garage of the condo for later use I told her. I had done that, to give Alison the impression we would be returning there later that evening. I felt guilty for giving her that false hope.
The parking lot was empty when we arrived. The four of us sat in the car waiting patiently for the others to arrive. Joed and I went over the plan with Noor and Alison in the car once again. Alison would take the processor with Joed and hand it to who she believed were the Israeli’s. They would take her into custody with Joed and take her out of sight and out of mind. This is when the real adventure would start. Once I knew she was gone and protected I could focus my attention on Conway. And Seth had assured me he would be there to watch the hand off take place and to take care of me in the process.
As the black suburban pulled up I could hear Alison suck in a deep breath. Joed looked at me with concern. “Ready?” he mouthed. I nodded once and turned to Alison. “Ready Sunshine?”
Her smile was weak as she surveyed her surroundings outside the car. Joed and Noor opened the doors and stepped out to give us some privacy. “You’ll be ok. Just follow Joed and do as they tell you. They will not hurt you. I promise you that.” Her expression didn’t change. She reached her hand up to feel the stubble on my chin. I took her hand and kissed it and then leaned in and kissed her hard on the lips. As I pulled away, I could hear her heart as it raced.
The Protector Page 34