“Oh honey, she’s so much more. She’s your cheerleader, the mother or grandmother you never had, she doesn’t judge you, but she doesn’t coddle you either. Doc Jones will shoot it to you straight, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t go before. She has made a huge difference in a lot of people’s lives.”
Christine flipped the card over and over in her hand.
Bianca took a drink from her coffee. “I’m just going to tell you straight. I pray with everything I have that I’m your sister-in-law one day—soon, hopefully—if your brother could take a motherfuckin’ hint.”
That caused a smile to tilt the side of Christine’s lips.
“I can see how badly you’re hurting, and I don’t want that for anyone, much less someone who’s going to be my family. Please, accept this and the help that I know she can give you. It’s not weakness to admit you need help, no matter what your parents told you. It’s the bravest thing in the world you can do.”
At those words, Christine completely lost it, sobbing quietly. “You get it?”
“I do.” Bianca grabbed her hand. “I do, and you will get no judgment from me. If you want me to take you there, I will. I will do whatever I can to help repair the relationship between you and Jagger. You mean so much to him.”
“I want to repair it too, and I want my relationship with Travis to be strong.”
“It’s going to take time,” Bianca warned her. “For people like us that have grown up not believing that we have any bit of good in us, it takes time.”
“I’m willing to put the work in. I don’t want to be this meek woman anymore.”
“Then you won’t be.”
That was all Christine needed to hear, it was like a light switched on inside her. Someone that hadn’t known her believed in her, and that felt good. It felt like she really could be different and that gave her hope.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Christine rubbed her hands against the denim of her jeans and took a deep breath.
“You sure you want to do this?” Jagger asked. He stood behind her, Steele at her side, Bianca at his.
“If you do, I do. I think we need to. This is the one thing that’s been holding me back; I need to make peace with it.”
She felt Jagger’s hand on her shoulder as she ascended the old porch steps. It had been a long two months of counseling that she’d undergone. Sometimes Travis would come and sit in with her, sometimes Jagger would. Every time, she and Doc Jones would work on some part of her childhood or adulthood that had caused her anxiety. At her last session, Jagger had been there, and Doc Jones suggested that the two of them go back to their childhood home, together. She thought that it would go a long way in making them feel better about the way things had gone down. It would give them a sense of closure that neither one of them ever had.
“I do,” he told her.
“If you two don’t mind,” she addressed Travis and Bianca, “I think Jagger and I need to go in by ourselves for a few minutes, just to get over the initial shock.”
“Whatever you want,” Bianca was quick to assure her. “It’s a little creepy out here, but as long as Travis is here to chase the boogeyman away, I’ll be fine.” She reached over, grabbing Travis’ arm for effect.
Jagger chuckled, glad for her humor. They were going to need it.
Travis reached down, kissing Christine quickly. “She’s right; we’ll be out here if you two need anything. Probably her protecting me, she’s got that smart-ass mouth on her,” he grinned, hoping for some lightheartedness before the two of them went into the house.
Christine grinned back before taking a deep breath and grabbing Jagger’s hand. They were going to do this together. “You ready?” she asked him.
His breath was heavy in his chest. He’d hated this house so much as a kid and then a teenager. It had been such an unhappy home. He hated to even be this close to it now, but he knew that she was right—if they didn’t get over this, they were never going to be able to move on with their lives. That was the one thing they both desperately needed. They both had people that loved them in ways they had never been loved before. It was time to put the past where it was supposed to be, in the past.
“As I’ll ever be.”
When they reached the front door and turned the knob, both of them were surprised to find that it was locked, after all this time.
“You wanna do a little B&E?”
She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her mouth. It broke the tension, and for that she was extremely grateful. “I’ve never done that before.”
“Travis, we need to do a little B&E,” he called over his shoulder.
Travis walked up the front porch steps, casually putting his arm around Christine’s shoulders. “You wanna learn how to do it, or do you want me to get us in?”
There was something about being there with him and him teaching her how to be the kind of rule-breaker that he was that made her feel like a badass. Didn’t necessarily mean that she wanted to do it, but it felt good to be asked. She bit her lip and shook her head. “Nah, you go ahead.”
“If you say so.”
She watched as Jagger moved back to give him room to work. Travis pulled a toolkit out of his pocket and bent down to inspect the lock.
“Why don’t y’all just bust the door in?” Bianca asked from where she stood, her eyes covered with sunglasses to protect them from the strong winter sun.
“Shush and let the man work,” Jagger quieted her. “I happen to like watchin’ Steele pick a lock. It’s pretty damn cool.”
In less than a minute’s time, he had the door open. “Got it.”
Christine waited until Bianca and Jagger went in, and then put her arms around Travis’ neck. “That was hot.”
“Picking a lock?” he asked, his eyebrows raised in question.
“Something about the way you were focused on that lock. I only see that level of focus with you when we’re alone.”
And just like that, he was surprised by her. He found himself being surprised by her more and more lately. Since Clinton had died, more and more of her personality was coming out. He loved that and hoped that it wouldn’t stop. “Let’s hurry up and get this over with, then we can go be alone again.”
She grinned at him, thankful that he was as playful as she was. She knew that it had taken her a while to get comfortable with things, and she wasn’t completely sure she would ever be over some of the things that had happened to her, but she loved him, and she loved that he was in her life. She didn’t say it enough, but she hoped that he knew just how much he meant to her. She hadn’t ever loved anyone besides her brother, and she was learning to give that feeling to someone else. It was difficult, but she was trying. “You’re right, the quicker we get through this, the quicker we can put it behind us.”
Jagger held out his hand, clasping hers tightly. They had lived in this home together and he needed her support to walk over this threshold and back into a life they had both left. They didn’t make it much further than the front room.
He felt like he was stuck in a time warp. Save for the dust, nothing had changed since he had left at eighteen. He could still feel the emotions he had when he stepped into the house from a long day at school—the fear and anxiousness.
“It hasn’t changed at all,” he breathed.
“No, they didn’t change anything when you left; they even kept your room the same. They wouldn’t let anyone in there. We sometimes had guests—you know, members of the church—they were never allowed to sleep in your room,” Christine told him.
They made their way into the kitchen and dining room area. “This is the one part of the house I absolutely hated,” she told the rest of them. “This is where we would get our sermons from him, as we ate dinner, because he knew that he would have our attention. There wasn’t a way to escape.”
“Then, if you didn’t agree with the wisdom that he imparted on you at dinner, he would take you out back to the woodshed afterwards. It all began and e
nded here,” Jagger added.
“That didn’t change after you left either. Those two were so set in their ways. It’s weird because the two of them were meant for each other. They obviously shared a very deep connection to let him do what he did for so long, and I never got the feeling that Mom was scared of him.”
“Me neither,” Jagger agreed. “She always defaulted to what he wanted her to do. I hated that. I wanted her to stand on her own two feet.”
“Well, you never have to worry about that with me, babe,” Bianca rubbed her hand up and down his back.
The rest of them laughed. Bianca made it a point usually to never listen to what Jagger told her, even though what he wanted was for her own good.
They went through the house, attempting to go into every room. Christine hated the feeling the house gave her, it was like it was suffocating her. She felt the same kind of brick on her chest that she had felt when she lived there. “I hate this house,” she said when they made it through the downstairs. “I hate everything this house represents.”
“Me too,” Jagger agreed. “But I feel like we need to see this through. We’re never going to move on, if we don’t.”
She nodded, knowing that he was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. They made it through the rest of the house, both stopping at their bedrooms one last time. Jagger walked into his room and took a look around. “Y’all wanna see a secret?”
They were all intrigued, so they all agreed.
He strode over to where a picture of the Ten Commandments rested against the wallpaper and pulled it back from the wall. Underneath it sat a poster of a Harley. “It was my own little rebellion,” he explained, laughing.
“Oh my God,” Christine giggled. “I can’t believe I never knew it was there.”
“I was very careful. You know what he would have done to me if he knew I defiled his Godly home with that, but I had to do something. This place was so stuffy and stodgy. I had to have something that was mine and only mine. It was the only thing I could think of at the time.”
Travis leaned with his back against the wall. “What finally made you decide to leave?”
Jagger had a seat on the bed. “It was the day of my eighteenth birthday and I had gone to a tattoo parlor. I got this.” He pointed to his forearm, where he had a saying of some sort. It was now buried beneath the other tats he had, and it wasn’t so easy to read anymore. “My dad took one look at it and told me the devil had gotten to me. I wouldn’t be able to stay in his house until I let him beat it out of me. He wanted to take me back to the woodshed again.”
Christine shivered. She hated that damn woodshed. She hadn’t been taken there near as often as Jagger, but the few times she had were ingrained in her memory.
“We got there, and I reminded him that me being eighteen, I could now fight back, and if he dared use his belt on me, he better be prepared for me to use it on him. I wasn’t as big as I am now, but I had been lifting a little back then. I was still bigger than him, but he thought I was lying or joking, I’m not sure which. He came after me with it, and I grabbed it in my hand and turned it on him. I beat the shit out of him. He threatened to call the police on me, and I told him to go ahead, that I wasn’t scared of him anymore. I wore scars, I still wear scars, and I knew Christine had them too. I told him we’d put his ass in jail and he would never get out. I guess it scared him enough that he actually believed me. He told me to get out and never look back. I asked if I could go get my stuff, and he told me no…if I was an adult, I’d figure it out.”
“Damn, dude,” Travis said from where he stood. Christine had come to stand in front of him, and he slipped his arms around her waist, resting his chin against her shoulder. He’d had times in his childhood and early adulthood that had been rough. His mom had never been able to understand that his brain worked fast and he didn’t have the aptitude to do the things she wanted him to, but she hadn’t ever told him to get out of her house. That had been his decision.
“Yeah, so I left. It was the best and worst decision of my life. Best for me, probably worst for Christine. I’m sorry about that.” He looked up at her. “But I couldn’t stay here anymore.”
“I know,” she told him. “And regardless of what you think, I’ve never blamed you for it. You’re my brother and I love you. I love the man you’ve become and the people that you’ve brought into my life. This place,” she gestured at the house, “it doesn’t define us anymore. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”
That was one thing they could all agree on, and without one backwards glance, they walked out and away from it. This time, for good.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Christine lay that night in Travis’ arms, her head resting against his chest, listening to his heart beat strongly. This had quickly become her favorite place in the world. She loved that he would take off his shirt, open his arms, and expect her to snuggle up next to him. That heartbeat was what got her through the hard days, and the smile that he gave her was what made the other ones so easy. He had been there through everything, and she knew that she gotten lucky. She hadn’t ever known another man who had loved her as unconditionally as he did. He might not have said the words, but he proved it to her every day in everything thing he did.
“Are you okay?” he asked, running his hands up and down her back. “I know that couldn’t have been easy for you.”
When they had gotten back to the clubhouse, Liam had called a meeting and set run schedules for the next few weeks, and he hadn’t had a chance to talk to her. Things were getting back to normal now, and he wanted to make sure that she wasn’t being looked over in the busyness of everything else.
“It wasn’t easy, but honestly, it was easier than I thought it would be. It gave me anxiety, just like I knew that it would, but it didn’t define me. It didn’t break me. There was a point in my life that it would have. I’m in a good place now though, because of you and the people that you’ve brought into my life, but mostly because of you.”
He turned them so that he could look into her eyes. “I wish I had known you back then.”
“No you don’t,” she laughed. “I was a much different person, and I was still scared of everything. I wouldn’t have been receptive to your advances. Believe it or not, when you met me, I was at the absolutely worst point in my life. My car had broken down, I had no money, I was living in the CRISIS center, I had never been that far down. Even when I lived in Clinton’s house, I wasn’t that far down because I didn’t know what reality was. It was a harsh slap in the face, but then here you came.”
“You make me sound like I made a huge sacrifice. I didn’t. And let’s not forget, your hair was an awful color,” he laughed, running his hands through the strands that were now rich and healthy.
She smacked him on the chest, choosing to ignore the hair comment. “You did,” she insisted. “You didn’t know me from anyone, but there you were, protecting me, helping me find a house to live in, a reliable car, a job, and you never ever asked for anything in return. I always expected you to, but you never did. Do you know how many nights I had lingerie laid out because I figured you would be trying to cash in on what you had done for me?”
Travis grinned. “You really thought I would do something like that?”
“I didn’t know you, but I knew you would be different than Clinton, and I wanted to be prepared, as weird as that sounds. I always wanted to be the type of woman for you that other women could be for other men.” That had always been her goal, and she realized now that would always be her goal. She wanted them to have a normal relationship, she wanted them to argue, fight, make up, and enjoy life.
“Trust me, babe, you’ve never disappointed me.”
That felt good. She was glad that she hadn’t disappointed him, because she knew there were times when she could have. “I find that hard to believe, but thank you.”
“What do you want to do, now that you have all this freedom and money?” he asked, referencing the fact that she was no
longer married and Clinton had more money than either of them knew what to do with.
She sighed. “I’m going to use that money for something good. Meredith and I have something up our sleeves, but we don’t want to share it with anybody just yet.” She winked at him, situating herself closer.
If it gave her something to do and a reason to stay here, stay with his family, then he was all for it. Anything that would keep her around. He was still so scared she would leave, that now she didn’t need him. She could stand on her own two feet; he didn’t have to be behind her anymore, holding her up.
“Where do you see us going?” he asked, scared to ask her the question but needing to know.
“I don’t know,” she told him truthfully. “I know that I don’t want anyone but you, and I know that there’s never been anyone more perfect for me other than you. I see myself growing up with you, changing and evolving, being the person that I want to be. Does that mean we stay together forever? I don’t have that answer, and neither do you.”
That was a start. As much as he wanted the formal answer right now, he knew that he couldn’t ask her to give him that. They had both been through something together that not many people had gone through. He was still learning how to deal with her and what she needed; she was still learning how to live a normal life. “We still have work to do?”
She shook her head. “I still have work to do. All that I ask is that you don’t get irritated with me, you let me know that I’m trying your patience, but please don’t give up on me.”
He scooted closer to her, putting his hands on her face and bringing her close to him. “I’ve never once thought of giving up on you. You’ve gotta know that by now. I either love the fuck outta you or I’m a glutton for punishment.”
A slow smile spread across her face, and she threw herself at him, burying her head in his shoulder. This right here was where she felt safest, and she knew that she never wanted to let this go. “I love you too,” she whispered. “I didn’t know what that meant before I met you, but you show me every day what that means. Your faith in me is what’s gotten me through.”
Dirty Little Secret Page 16