Persona - A Disturbing Psychological Thriller

by Horn, Marc

  ‘Yeah. Cheers.’

  As they walked out the toilet, Geoff whispered in his ear, ‘So what was the test God passed?’

  ‘He guided me to Jenny.’

  Geoff rolled his eyes.

  ‘I’ll get the round in,’ Ben told him and then made his way to the bar. Geoff rejoined Jenny, who was staring expectantly at him.

  ‘Where’s Ben?’ she asked.

  ‘Buying drinks.’

  Jenny turned towards the bar and watched her boyfriend. ‘Is he chatting up that barmaid?’ she suddenly asked, alarm displacing her composure.

  Geoff glanced over at Ben and then back at Jenny. ‘You’re being serious, aren’t you?’

  She looked at him awkwardly. ‘They’re laughing together, can’t you see? He’s flirting with her, isn’t he?’

  ‘He knows her. We drink here a lot,’ Geoff explained, surprised by her irrationality.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

  23

  When Ryan opened the door and saw Dave standing there, he was mildly shocked. His friend looked exhausted – dark hammocks were hanging beneath his bloodshot eyes and patches of stubble covered blemishes on his face. Dave wore a crumpled, blue, Dunlop jacket, a pair of well-worn Wranglers and white trainers.

  ‘Fuck me! You’ve died a death!’ Ryan said.

  ‘Ha ha. Funny.’ Dave pushed past him, sank into his friend’s bed and then folded his arms behind his head.

  Dave had never been physical, but always had enough energy to communicate. There was nothing he loved more than discussing issues, but today he appeared depleted.

  ‘What happened to you?’ Ryan asked, a bit concerned.

  ‘Fay,’ Dave grunted.

  Ryan smiled. Women. Fucking women. Ginger was so right. They were a serious pain in the arse. ‘She your girlfriend?’

  ‘You know she’s my girlfriend.’

  ‘Never heard of her, lad.’ Ryan moved to the sink, took off his shirt, tossed it on the desk and then flexed his muscles in the mirror.

  Irritable and frustrated, Dave was in no mood for silly games. ‘Ryan, don’t mess about, I’m not in the right frame of mind.’

  Ryan tutted. Dave was making no sense to him. He’d heard him mention a girlfriend before, but he’d never referred to her as Fay. Obviously Dave wanted a target to unleash his fury on. Ryan concealed a smile. ‘So, Fay’s your girlfriend?’ he asked, attempting to cooperate.

  Dave sat up, looked at Ryan as if he was an imbecile and then shook his head. ‘You’re not funny or clever. Can’t you tell I’m pissed off? Why don’t you think of someone else for once?’

  ‘I’m trying to, Dave. I’m asking you about her and all you do is get offended. I remember you mentioning a girlfriend before, but you never told me her name.’ He gave Dave a sincere look. ‘That’s the truth.’

  ‘You’re being serious?’

  ‘Yeah, I am.’

  He’s lost his mind, Dave thought. Ryan had met Fay just over two months ago and had spoken to her. Pissed her off, even. He’d chatted up her best friend. Ryan was mad, not forgetful. There was more to this… Suddenly it dawned on him. If it was true, and Dave believed it was, it would be worrying.

  ‘Heard from Col?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ Ryan replied, massaging his shoulder blade.

  ‘Why not? You two are really good friends.’

  ‘Not really. I never see him.’

  This was too surreal, too extreme and disturbing. Dave wanted to be dreaming, but knew that dreams couldn’t come close to the horror of Ryan’s reality.

  He’d come here wanting reassurance and advice, which probably classified him as a loon, but instead he’d been drawn deeper into Ryan’s insane world. He shook his head. He had to snap out of this. His role was not a dependent one – he would always be the shepherd. Somehow that role would prove worthwhile. It had to. It wasn’t fair that he could never cry out and had to keep his traumas in, projecting instead an image of strength. He closed his eyes. He didn’t really believe things would change. He just took each day as it came, like a penniless mother raising a child.

  Breaking out of his trance, he said, ‘Last I heard, he was going out with a girl called Stacey.’

  ‘Yeah, I remember you saying.’

  ‘Look at me, Ryan. I’m talking to you.’

  ‘Why do I have to look at you?’

  ‘Because I’m talking about Col. You should be interested. He’s your friend.’

  ‘Used to be.’

  ‘I bet you can’t even remember what he looks like.’

  ‘Nah.’

  ‘Just like you,’ Dave said. ‘In fact you two are so similar I can’t tell the difference.’

  ‘Ex police officer as well! That’s not very good.’

  Annoyed, Dave stared rigidly at Ryan. ‘The reason I can’t tell you apart is because you’re the same person.’

  ‘Really?’ Ryan said nonchalantly. ‘Wow.’

  ‘I don’t think “wow” is appropriate. More like why?’

  ‘I think you’ve overloaded on analysis.’

  Dave frowned. ‘Don’t piss about with me. I’m not Stacey – I’m your best mate. Don’t include me in your plans or tactics, whatever you call them. I go along with your bullshit to keep you happy. I don’t know why you use different names, but I thought you did it for a laugh. If you have some sort of multiple-personality disorder then I don’t want to play anymore.’ He’d turned red. ‘Why don’t you show me some fucking respect?’

  Suddenly Ryan’s eyes widened, as if he’d seen alien life through the mirror. Overcome with a numbing dizziness that sapped his strength, he turned away from his reflection and had to lean on the sides of the basin to stay on his feet. His breathing intensified and a whole minute passed before he regained his composure.

  Aware that Dave was upset, he shuffled over and sat beside him.

  ‘I know what you’re talking about,’ he said warily, but at the same time relishing the opportunity to explain the situation to himself as much as Dave. ‘I wasn’t taking the piss out of you. I’d just used the identity for a while, so it became sort of real, separate from me, like another person.’ His voice grew stronger with each word. ‘Because you persisted, it broke me out of the stupor.’

  ‘Why do it?’ Dave asked.

  ‘For experimentation purposes.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  Ryan thought about it. He used a fictional identity with girls these days as a precaution, because he didn’t know what he might end up doing. He knew there were times when he lost control of himself - he might kill a bitch and then he’d need the protection. That’s why he didn’t take a girl to his home, use his real name, or reveal too much about himself anymore.

  ‘Sometimes it’s refreshing to be someone else,’ he told Dave. ‘See how people take you and how you fit into society.’

  ‘But Col’s character was identical to yours,’ Dave pointed out. ‘It was you with a different name.’

  ‘Well he wasn’t meant to be entirely different.’ He wondered how much he should tell Dave. He knew what he couldn’t tell him. ‘I’m talking to you in confidence, aren’t I?’

  ‘D’you think you’d still be here if I’d confessed everything you’ve done?’

  ‘Yeah all right, Dave,’ Ryan said sternly. ‘This is sensitive material.’ He gazed at the door as he spoke. ‘Col is my venture into voyeurism.’

  Dave looked confused and slightly disgusted.

  ‘I want to find my place,’ Ryan continued. ‘To do that I have to try out every stimuli, fetish and lifestyle I can. I’ll know when I’ve found my vocation – I’ll feel inner-peace. So-’

  ‘Are you really that bored with your life?’

  ‘No, I’m not bored, but I feel like I’m floating, and I can’t cling to anything to stop myself, because it slips from my grip. It’s happening because I’m not experimenting, not creating choices and eliminating the wrong paths. It’s a sign, Dave, and one I’
m supposed to do something about. I’ve been given a fate that I have to find and I won’t rest until I do.’

  ‘So you believe in God now?’

  ‘Of course I fucking don’t.’ Ryan laughed. ‘If it was God who chose a path for me, He wouldn’t be pleased with the way I conducted myself.’

  ‘That thought did cross my mind.’

  ‘There are things,’ Ryan explained, ‘like homosexuality for instance, that don’t particularly appeal to me, so I’d never try them. But maybe I’d enjoy it. Maybe it would satisfy me like no other experience, but I’ll never know. I need to know. I need to try it and either reject or accept it. Once I reach this answer I’ll be happy. Either it’s my fate, part of it, or if not, it’s one step closer to it.’

  ‘Yeah, and it means you’ll be gay.’

  ‘So fucking what?’

  Dave put his hands up. ‘Well that’s fine if you enjoy it. I’m just envisaging what will happen if you don’t.’

  ‘I’ll just move on.’

  ‘It might not be that easy. You don’t know how you’ll react. You might feel violated and emasculated, you know – less virile, and knowing you, you might end up killing the other guy.’

  ‘Well that deactivates another mine,’ Ryan said. ‘Kill two birds with one fucking stone.’

  ‘A mine?’

  Ryan smiled. ‘It’s something Ginger came up with.’

  ‘You’ve spoken with him about this?’ Dave asked, shocked.

  ‘Of course. He’s got a lot of experience. His advice is invaluable.’

  ‘I’d like to meet this Ginger.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll set it up.’

  ‘So… would you be a giver or a taker?’

  ‘A taker - I’ve pumped birds’ arses before.’

  ‘Nice. So what sort of man are you going to choose?’

  Ryan frowned at him. ‘Aw shut up. It sounds fucking disgusting.’

  Dave laughed. ‘See, you’re getting sick before you’ve even met him!’

  ‘Okay, I’m going to have to fill you in soon. I’ll tackle this gay thing, okay? It will happen, but maybe now you understand why it has to be as someone else.’

  ‘It amazes me how you can detach yourself so easily.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve got some imagination.’

  ‘Well I wouldn’t be too proud of it, not if you can’t tell the difference between that and reality.’ Dave raised his eyebrows. ‘If you start seeing people who aren’t there it’s a sign of madness.’ He wondered why he’d expressed this as if it were a consequence – Ryan was mad already! But there were serious implications here. A lot of possibilities were running through Dave’s head and he had to warn his friend.

  ‘You’re not sane now,’ he began. ‘I can tell you that for sure, and the fact that you create these characters is very worrying. Can’t you see it’s like a self-destruct formula?’ Dave’s personal problems and the reason for his visit had completely escaped him by now. ‘In the beginning it was external factors that messed you up and I think you’ve been slipping from sanity ever since, but now it’s self-inflicted. You’re losing your mind and you can’t distinguish between fiction and reality.’ Becoming desperate, his voice was piercing. ‘Don’t you see that you’re losing your essence? You’re letting illusions overpower you, and they’re eating away at you. If you don’t stop this now, these figments of your imagination are going to consume you so that you, Ryan, cease to exist, like a whole new birth and everything you’ve experienced will vanish.’ He was getting hysterical. This was it. This was the threat. This was Ryan’s problem. There was more to it, he was sure, but the core had been identified.

  Dave regained his composure and glanced at the grubby flats through the window. He supposed he should feel triumphant and relieved. After all, he hadn’t understood Ryan’s current mental state and now some light had been shed. It was a voyage, a sick voyage, where boundaries didn’t exist. Ryan overcame them with improvisation – if he couldn’t handle something, he became someone else. This was psychiatric material, probably as extreme as any he’d studied.

  Could he, Dave, pull him out of this? Was he capable without the training and qualifications? The simple answer was that he had to. Ryan wouldn’t see a shrink. Dave was his only lifeline. In a strange sort of way he began to feel better than he had for some time. Though the pressure had increased, it was relieving to understand at last. Yes, it was frightening, but now that he’d isolated the problem, he could choose the correct course of action. There’d be no more confusion and helplessness. He even managed a brief smile. He’d made considerable progress. It was a testimony to his perseverance and self-belief - he’d kept on hounding Ryan, looking out for his friend, caring about him, putting him first, and now he was closer to success. But it was still terrifying, and as his mind ached with the strain of scrutiny, it became more disturbing. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up… How far had it gone? He’d assumed ‘Col’ was a recent concoction – no more than three months had passed since Ryan first asked Dave to call him that. It had happened just before Ryan had made his ‘pledges’ in the beer garden, expressing his wishes to kill and be gay. Was that when the voyage had begun? Or had he killed before? That was a question Dave had asked himself many times, but now it seemed more likely that Ryan had killed. Dave had always thought that if Ryan had done that he wouldn’t tell him, but maybe Ryan didn’t even know he had murdered. Maybe it was… someone else.

  ‘How many… personas are there?’ As the question came out, chills pricked his skin.

  ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’

  ‘Personas,’ Dave whispered. ‘Adopting personalities and presenting them to everyone. How many different people are there… Are you?’

  ‘Col was the only one.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘Because I know myself.’

  ‘No you don’t. You couldn’t tell “Col” was false. You thought he was a real person. How long has it been since you made him up? How long has “Col” been alive?’

  ‘Not long. About three months I think.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought, and in that short space of time he was enough to break away from your faculties and exist as a different person. Like a robot programmed to help you accomplish something that you, Ryan, couldn’t. If that can happen in three months, think what could have happened over years.’

  ‘Dave, this is stupid.’

  ‘Yeah, it sounds it, doesn’t it? But it’s true and you can’t tell.’ He looked incredulously at Ryan. ‘I’m wasting my breath talking to you. You’re just a vessel, a frame for people I don’t even know. You supply their energy. You bring them to life. You don’t even know who they are. You let them possess you, you stupid fucker!’

  Yet again Ryan had to ward off detrimental thoughts. He wanted to punch Dave, but resisted. He was the reserved one in their relationship. Him, the most aggressive, emotionless animal around and he was the calm party, while this little lamb was getting a hard-on about something.

  ‘You’re getting carried away. Again.’

  ‘Ryan,’ Dave pleaded, ‘you’re intelligent. Can’t you try to see what I’m saying? Can’t you tell that my concerns are well-founded? Col lived three months and became a real person to you. You realised this because of me. I never knew about this until today. What about all the years that have passed?’

  ‘Dave, you’re getting excited about nothing. I told you – these people enable me to try things I normally wouldn’t. My desire to find my fate is a recent thing. Col was the only “robot”. I appreciate your concern, but there’s nothing to worry about. You helped me out, made me realise I was taking this too far.’

  Dave settled down a little and spoke more calmly. ‘It was counterproductive anyway.’

  Ryan stared expectantly at him.

  ‘Listen to me,’ Dave explained. ‘If you believed your invention was separate from you, which you did, and you went on to achieve one of your objectives through him, then how coul
d you have benefited? It’s something only “Col” would’ve learnt.’

  ‘No.’ Ryan shook his head. ‘This is fate. I may have got carried away with my method of pursuing a goal, but once I’d got there the mine inside me would’ve deactivated and either I’d have found my peace or I’d have floated closer to my place. “Col” was a guinea pig, nothing more. He would’ve dissolved once he’d served his purpose and I’d have taken his place.’

  ‘Yeah? You sure about that?’

  ‘Yes. He only exists as a means to an end. He won’t last.’ Ryan laughed. ‘But while he does his work, it’s probably advantageous that I believe in him, then I can focus one hundred percent on my task, without character inconsistencies fucking things up. “Col” has to devote himself to his mission.’ That way, Ryan would remain anonymous too – it was essential that no clues be given about his true identity.

  ‘You don’t mean you’re going to carry on with this pretence after all I’ve said?’

  ‘Yeah, but I won’t let it get so heavy, I promise. I still have to experiment and open all the doors. I won’t feel satisfied until I do. So I’d appreciate it if you’d continue to play ball.’

  ‘I don’t believe this.’ Dave sighed and sank back into the bed. After a long silence he said, ‘I’ve told Fay.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m close to her. I don’t like to hide things.’

  ‘Oh for fuck’s sake. What the fuck else have you told her?’ There was venom in Ryan’s tone and Dave could tell he’d stepped into dangerous territory.

  ‘That’s all I said,’ he lied. ‘I was drunk and it slipped out. I didn’t think it was that big a deal at the time. Besides, I don’t like to lie to my girlfriend.’

  ‘Girlfriend?’ Ryan sneered. ‘You’ve known her for five fucking minutes. Are you that desperate for sex that you’ll settle for the fattest fuck around?’

  Dave shot up to the edge of the bed. Fists clenched tightly, he shook with rage. He rocked back and forth on the bed, threatening to leap at Ryan.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Ryan warned. ‘You throw one of those puny punches at me, I’ll throw you out the fucking window.’