by Horn, Marc
Dave sighed. ‘It’s not that easy, Ryan. Finding the stash didn’t suddenly transform me into Dave the poof. It confirmed to me who I already was. When I found it I knew.’
‘But you blocked it out afterwards-’
‘A person can’t indefinitely block something out. At some point they have to face it and overcome it. I was always going to do that.’
‘You did it with me.’
‘Everything happened subconsciously. When you told me you were prepared to do it with someone, I waited for an opportunity.’
Ryan nodded. ‘I gave you that.’
‘When you stood in front of me, I was overcome with lust. I acted instinctively.’
‘Yeah, congratulations. But what if you’re not gay?’
Dave looked at him as if he was an idiot. ‘I think it’s pretty clear that I am.’
‘What I’m saying is, maybe it’s psychological.’
‘I came inside you, Ryan. Before then I only came when I masturbated.’
‘Will you fucking listen to me?’ Ryan hissed. ‘What if it’s suggestion? You know, psychology, an idea leading to acceptance?’
Dave thought about it. ‘Hmm, you’re saying finding the porn convinced me I must be gay?’
‘Yeah. You might have taken this hereditary thing too far. You might be straight, but wouldn’t allow yourself to be, subconsciously dominating yourself so that you couldn’t get hard with bitches.’ Ryan raised his eyebrows. ‘This could all be in your mind.’
‘That’s interesting, but like I said, I knew as soon as I found the stash. And besides, even if you’re right, there’s little I can do about it now. If it was psychological, it’s consumed me now. My lack of sexual conquests makes that obvious. I know it would be impossible to undo what I now feel.’
Ryan stood up and leant against the wall. ‘This is insane. You know what? I feel responsible. I shouldn’t, because I knew nothing about it, but you kept it inside so I wouldn’t find out. You left it to fester inside you until you were fucking brainwashed.
‘Also,’ he added, ‘it seems you felt inclined to believe this bollocks because you believed I was a replica of Will!’
‘And that’s ludicrous to you?’
‘Course it fucking is! Will had no ambition, imagination or vision. He couldn’t fit in with society and was totally self-obsessed!’
‘He was also a psychopath, which, incidentally, is what you are.’
‘I’m determined and motivated. I’ll go as far as I need to fulfil myself.’
‘That includes murder.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well that’s self-obsession. And if Col’s not evidence of madness then I don’t know what is.’
‘Yeah, I created another character so I could try something I myself wasn’t interested in. Sounds a lot like you.’
Dave looked away and then said, ‘D’you think it’s just coincidence that you enjoy violence as much as Will?’
‘It could be,’ Ryan replied. ‘Just like a kid who takes an interest in his father’s guns. Kids love guns.’
‘But not all kids take an interest in murder.’
‘Oh shut up, Dave, you’re talking bollocks.’
Dave leant closer. ‘Remember, Ryan, Will’s doing life. They took away his life for his crime.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really. If they took the same thing from you, where would that leave your visions and imagination?’
‘Maybe I should have killed you,’ Ryan said in frustration. ‘Which brings me onto that. You were worried I might kill you after we fucked, so why did you do it?’
Dave bowed his head. ‘You want to know the truth?’
‘Yeah, I do.’
‘Like I said to you in your room, I thought that if you didn’t like it you’d become resentful to the other guy, and if that had been the case I might as well have died. I told you – you’re all I have, all that makes life worth living. That’s why I’m terrified what you might do.’
Ryan moved towards Dave and tentatively patted him on the shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, pal, I promise I’m not going down.’ He beckoned Dave towards the door. ‘Let’s go.’
They left the toilet and descended the stairs. Stacey was alone in the living room.
‘Where’s Fay?’ Ryan asked her.
‘I threw her out,’ Stacey said bluntly. ‘Go and find her – you deserve each other.’
Without speaking, Ryan dressed himself and left with Dave.
32
Elton John’s ‘Sacrifice’ was playing on the radio as they drove south along Highway Eighty-Three towards Colorado Springs, in a red Ford Tempo provided by Jenny’s uncle.
Ben marvelled at the expansive, undeveloped land around them. The undulating terrain, interrupted by the occasional farmhouse, was dotted with fir trees sprouting from its hay-coloured grass. Such rugged, natural beauty was breathtaking to someone who had spent their life in London, waking to the sight of overcrowded buildings and dirty pavements.
The colossal, unstained sky, a magnificent blue, cushioned a distant horizon.
He watched a hawk sink through the air in a graceful, sweeping circle, until Jenny distracted him by pointing across him towards the Rocky Mountains.
‘They’re beautiful, aren’t they?’ she said. ‘You can see them from the balcony of our house in Black Forest.’
To Ben’s right he could see a jagged, grey peak towering over dark green foothills.
‘That’s Pikes Peak,’ Jenny said. ‘It’s over 14,000 feet high. A train takes you to the summit.’ The excitement in her voice made Ben smile. ‘I’ve been on it,’ she continued. ‘It takes one and a half hours to get there, and the scenery is beautiful. You can see beyond the Continental Divide!’
The wind through the open window made Geoff squint. ‘What a country!’
‘It’s kinda nice,’ Tash said. ‘But I don’t see any shops.’
Jenny glanced at Tash in the back, unsure if she was joking. She smiled at her friend’s serious expression.
Helmetless bikers roared past them on Harleys, then the sky stole Ben’s attention again. Its size and power overwhelmed him. He felt that he was acknowledging something so superior and awesome that he must be invisible. That Man endeavoured to explain such wonders proved his arrogance, he thought, and he felt fortunate that he knew his place. He could simply worship them because he had faith.
They cruised along a quiet road that cut through the thick forest, then Jenny beamed as she pointed to a house constructed from pinewood, set thirty metres back from the road.
‘That’s where we’re staying!’ She turned the vehicle into the driveway.
It was just as Ben had imagined a place nestled in the mountains to look: strips of tan-coloured wood nailed together, stone cladding enclosing rectangular windows, slate tiles crowning the house, set against a background of fir trees standing like soldiers on parade. Sprinklers built into the earth launched jets of water onto lush lawns with straight edges.
‘It looks mega,’ he said.
‘Wait till you see inside!’
They all got out of the car, and followed Jenny. The forest leant the air a thick, dry scent. She opened the door and when they saw inside the house, their jaws dropped.
‘I could live here,’ Tash said.
‘Come in and have a look around. We can use everything in here except that cupboard,’ she said, pointing to a mahogany door next to the foot of the stairs. ‘I think my uncle keeps his hunting gear in there. It’s locked anyway.’ She grabbed a greeting card standing on a bar that divided the kitchen and dining room and grinned. ‘It’s a welcome card from my Uncle Trevor.’
‘What a top bloke,’ Ben said.
Exploring the house, its beauty and the light flooding into the rooms astounded them.
‘It lifts you up,’ Ben said. ‘All this light puts you in a good mood. I can’t imagine being miserable here.’
‘Ben,’ Geoff called from upstairs. ‘Check out the ba
lcony!’
Seconds later Ben joined Geoff who was sitting on the sill of a windowless frame.
‘Look at the mountains.’
Ben leaned over the sill and stared at them, and then at the forest surrounding them.
‘Beer,’ Geoff said. ‘We need beer now.’
‘I agree, but let’s get our shit sorted first. You got jet-lag?’
‘No.’
‘Nor have I. I wonder if Jenny has… Jenny,’ he shouted, turning towards the stairs. ‘Are you tired?’
‘It’s starting to hit me,’ she shouted back. ‘I’m taking a nap soon.’
‘Me too,’ Tash added.
‘Is there an off-licence nearby? We’re gonna have a beer.’
‘Follow this road for half a mile and you’ll come to a petrol station. It’s also a convenience store – you can buy liquor there.’
Geoff smirked. ‘That’s convenient!’
Two hours later, while Jenny and Tash were sleeping, Ben and Geoff were sitting on the balcony ledge wearing sunglasses and drinking beer. The sun had burnt their faces.
Geoff held up his bottle. ‘I can’t believe this shit is seventy-five cents a bottle. I mean, what’s that? Fifty pence?’
‘I think so.’ Ben looked around him, taking everything in. ‘This place is unbelievable. I can’t believe it. I’ve never been lucky and now look what I’ve got.’
Geoff nodded. ‘She’s a nice girl.’
‘Ethereal is the word you’re looking for.’
‘Er, no it isn’t. And don’t get carried away.’ Geoff swigged his beer.
‘If you knew how I felt, you’d understand. She’s given me life. I’m savouring every minute of the day.’
Geoff sat down his bottle and rubbed his eyes. ‘You want me to puke?’
Ben frowned. ‘You should be pleased for me.’
‘I am, but for everyone else life goes on. I don’t feel the same about Tash, so I can’t match your mood. I’m happy to drink beer.’
‘Yeah, I understand, but don’t try to dampen my spirits.’
Geoff sneered, picked up his beer and finished it. ‘Want another one?’
‘Yeah.’
Geoff pushed himself off the ledge and made his way downstairs to the fridge, thinking what a bad situation this was. He felt jealous and bitter, while Ben was euphoric.
He took a couple of deep breaths, and reminded himself that he was on holiday and had to cheer up. Ben had Jenny. Geoff had to contain his resentment.
He returned to the balcony and handed Ben his beer.
‘Yeah, Ben, what a chick.’
‘I know.’ Ben smirked, and Geoff had to look away.
Moments later, he said, ‘Now we’re alone for the first time in months, you going to share some details?’
‘No.’
‘What d’you mean, “No”?’
‘She’s in the house, for fuck’s sake.’
‘She can’t hear us. Her door’s closed.’
Ben shook his head. ‘She wouldn’t want me discussing personal issues.’
‘What? I thought we were mates.’
‘We are, but I’d feel guilty sharing our secrets with you.’
‘But we’ve always done that!’
‘I know, but now it’s different. I’m in love with her.’
‘I was in love with her too, and I told you everything.’
Ben smirked. ‘There wasn’t anything to tell, mate.’
‘Ah, so you’ve done her then?’
‘I’m not fucking saying.’
Geoff kicked his dangling feet against the house. ‘Can’t help thinking our friendship’s becoming a bit one-sided. You won’t say a thing, but look what I let us both do to Tash.’
Ben punched his arm. ‘I told you not to fucking mention that! You promised me.’
‘Yeah, I know. She’s asleep, mate, chill out. You’re so obsessed, you’re boring.’
‘I’m boring because I won’t tell you what we’ve done?’
‘Mates should share everything, more than they do with their girlfriends. Who do people turn to when they have relationship problems? Mates, because they’re always there. You can bet your arse she’s told her friends everything about you, right down to the size of your balls. That’s a fucking certainty.’
Ben laughed.
Geoff shrugged. ‘We tell each other everything, for fuck’s sake. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice stuff for love. If it’s love it should benefit not hinder you.’
Ben sighed and gulped down some beer. A woodpecker was hammering away at a tree. ‘We haven’t done anything yet.’ Geoff stopped drinking. He felt magically revitalised. ‘That Rick bloke made her ultra-cautious.’
‘Yeah I know,’ Geoff whispered. ‘Think you’ll do the deed here?’
Ben nodded, beaming brightly. ‘I think we will.’
Jenny and Ben slept in the main bedroom. At 2 a.m., in the smaller room with Tash, Geoff was still awake.
Exhaustion had kicked in at midnight - induced by the fifteen-hour flight and the fact that it was seven a.m. back home - so they had all gone to bed.
Geoff had felt compelled to listen to them from his bedroom. Feeling insufferable envy, he’d sat on the edge of the bed and had heard the droning hum of conversation and laughter.
Now, they had become quiet. He hoped that they weren’t enjoying foreplay. He could, perhaps, handle masturbation, but intercourse was forbidden – that would destroy his fresh optimism.
Self-respect overpowered his instincts, keeping him from creeping up to their door and listening. Twenty minutes later, he was sure they’d fallen asleep and hadn’t fucked.
Relieved, he lay down and fell asleep.
The next morning, Geoff watched a video while Ben was out running. All the furniture in the lounge was cream – the three-seat, leather sofa he was sitting on, the carpet his feet sank into, the blind, and the pots supporting leafy plants. And all the technical equipment was black.
Hearing Jenny rise, he adjusted his position on the settee.
She opened the door and smiled at him. ‘Hi, Geoff.’
‘Morning.’
Noticing his red face, she said, ‘You caught the sun yesterday.’
‘Yeah I know.’
‘Where’s Ben and Tash?’
‘She’s asleep. He’s running. You better get used to that. Fitness takes priority in his life.’ He grinned.
Jenny rubbed her eyes. ‘Well, he is a personal trainer,’ she said lazily.
‘Yeah, even on holiday!’
‘I don’t think it’s his priority,’ she said, uncertainness creeping into her tone.
‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’
Jenny stared blankly at him and then said, ‘I’m going to do my make-up.’
‘You mean you haven’t already?’ Geoff asked, looking surprised.
Jenny playfully shook her head. ‘Oh, Geoff, you’re so smooth!’
‘I told you before, Jenny. You’re naturally beautiful. You look just as good without make-up…honestly.’
She smiled. ‘It that’s the case, maybe I should save myself a load of money.’
‘Exactly. If Ben isn’t happy with ‘plain Jenny’ then it’s his problem.’
‘Why? Has he ever said that?’
Geoff turned back to Goodfellas on the telly.
‘Geoff,’ she said weakly, ‘has he said that?’
Facing her, he said, ‘No. Why don’t you watch this with me? I’ll make tea.’
‘I don’t need tea, thanks. I’ll just sit down for a few minutes.’
Geoff could tell she was disheartened. ‘Jenny, Ben hasn’t said anything.’ He squeezed her shoulder. ‘You two are perfect for each other.’
‘I know,’ she said earnestly.
‘Then why the insecurity?’
‘I’m just a sensitive person.’
‘All I said was that you’re naturally beautiful and anyone who disputes that has a problem. You jumped to conclusions.’
; ‘I know,’ she said.
The front door slammed shut and then Ben climbed up the stairs.
‘Jesus, it’s hard to run up here!’ he said.
‘You have to acclimatise,’ Geoff informed him.
‘You’re telling me. I could hardly breathe.’
‘I meant to warn you about the air up here,’ Jenny said.
‘I should have known better. Ah well, it’s good for training. You just got up?’ he asked her.
‘Yes.’
‘Sleep well?’
She laughed. ‘Eventually!’
When Ben laughed too, Geoff paused the videotape. ‘Why? What were you two doing?’
‘We can’t disclose that,’ Ben replied, and Jenny turned red.
Jenny drove them to the top of the foothills. After parking the car, they walked to a small grass clearing which faced the mountain peaks.
‘I’ve never known air so clean and fresh,’ Geoff said.
‘Yeah,’ Ben agreed. ‘No need to clear black shit out your nostrils at the end of the day. I’m doing some hill walking,’ he said. ‘Who’s coming?’
‘I just want to chill out,’ Jenny told him.
‘Why d’you want to do that?’ Geoff asked Ben.
Ben looked perplexed. ‘You’re into fitness, aren’t you?’
‘Not on holiday.’
‘You’re doing nothing for two weeks?’
‘Nothing time consuming.’
‘I’ll see you in a bit then.’ He walked to the edge of the clearing.
Tash got up. ‘I’ll come. Need to try and lose this arse.’
‘Be careful,’ Jenny called out to them before they disappeared.
‘See what I mean?’ Geoff said, ‘The man’s obsessed with fitness.’
‘It keeps him in good shape.’
‘Yeah, he’s well toned.’
‘Do you two train together?’ Jenny asked.
Geoff laughed. ‘No. Ben’s too intense. I like to enjoy weight sessions. He gets too aggressive.’
Jenny nodded. ‘Tash told me about the boxing.’
‘Yeah, it was supposed to be light sparring. I’ve witnessed his temper many times and it’s a scary sight.’
Jenny rubbed her palm on the grass. ‘What have you seen him do?’
‘Fight. He’s hurt a lot of people.’