by Horn, Marc
‘I immobilised Geoff. If he survives, he’ll spend his life cursing the day he fucked with me. I escaped. That’s justice. That’s finesse. You are nothing. I disassociate myself from you. I am not Ben. I am reborn… I am…Zen.’
‘You are a disgrace to the beret! You need to be taught discipline! After reveille tomorrow you will slam in your tabs and report to a rifle company!’
‘You need to be taught Commandment Eleven,’ Zen hissed. ‘Zen’s blood is unique. Do not associate!’ He punched Will till he realised his fists were hitting bark.
Will had escaped.
36
Hesitantly, Dave entered the hospital. A nurse had described Geoff’s injuries to him over the phone. Minutes later, he found his friend sitting in a wheelchair, hands in lap, staring sadly at him.
‘I’m paralysed,’ Geoff said.
‘I know.’
Dave bowed his head, not knowing what to say. He pulled the curtain around them, and then sat down opposite Geoff.
‘How’s the police force?’ Geoff asked.
Dave looked up, holding back tears. His lively, ambitious friend reduced to this…
‘I’ve been on team for almost three months.’
‘Still enjoying it?’
Dave took a breath. ‘Who did this to you, Geoff?’
‘Scumbags. I don’t know them.’
‘I’ve spoken with the Colorado Springs police. You told them you were walking to a public phone to call a cab to take you to the airport, when a mugger dragged you into the woods, joined up with two others and they attacked you.’
‘That’s what happened.’
Dave nodded emptily. ‘All your belongings were found in the forest. Valuables had been left beside your bag – a personal CD player, a five-hundred-pound camera, a thousand-pound watch…That’s not muggers, Geoff.’
‘They took a fifteen-hundred pound ring,’ Geoff informed him.
‘Yeah, I heard that. I’ve never seen you wearing a ring.’
‘Doesn’t mean I don’t own one. They stole it.’
‘But why leave the rest?’
‘You’re the policeman, you tell me.’
‘Well, I’ll tell you it makes no sense. Why carry a bag two miles through woods and then leave everything in it?’
Geoff raised his arms in a gesture of confusion.
‘Why did they break your spine?’ It hurt Dave to ask this.
‘You know me. I retaliated, pissed them off.’
‘Enough to paralyse you?’
‘Evidently.’
Dave shook his head. ‘For Christ’s sake, Geoff, look at you! Why are you acting so blasé and disinterested? I’m your friend. You can talk to me in confidence. I’ve flown thousands of miles to be here!’
‘I gave a description. What more can I do? I won’t get the use of my legs back, so I don’t fucking care.’
‘Why were you travelling home early? You’d been here for three days!’
‘It was boring. Ben and Jenny were all over each other, and Tash just wanted to go shopping.’
‘You must have expected that.’
Geoff shrugged. ‘I didn’t think about it.’
Dave sighed, rubbed his eyes. ‘So are Ben, Jenny and Tash still here?’ He leaned forwards on his seat, awaiting Geoff’s response.
‘I don’t know. I presume so.’
‘Jenny’s home,’ Dave informed him. Geoff feigned surprise. ‘When I called, her father answered the phone and nearly blew my eardrums out. After warning me that if any of us called again he’d “fucking kill” us, he slammed the phone down. And Ben wouldn’t answer his phone or door back in England. I knew he was home - I could hear him inside. I don’t have Tash’s number.’
Geoff scratched his head.
‘There’s much more to this, Geoff.’ Dave looked gravely at him and then whispered, ‘Did Ben do this to you?’
Geoff smiled. ‘No. I was mugged.’
‘Why did Ben and Jenny break up?’
‘I don’t know. This is the first I’ve heard of it.’ He nodded at his legs. ‘And right now I’ve got other things on my mind.’
Dave decided he’d interrogated him enough. This was devastating for anyone, let alone a man who prided himself on physical perfection. ‘So, have they told you…the situation?’
‘Yep. I can recite it word for word. You don’t forget something like that.’ He looked Dave in the eye.
‘I have extensive damage along the motor nerve path from my brain to the muscles in my legs and abdomen - namely in my spinal region. Severely damaged nerve cells can’t regenerate, and it’s left me with paraplegia – paralysis of both lower limbs - complete paralysis – permanent loss of sensation and voluntary movement. Additionally, because the damage is high up in my spinal cord, my abdominal muscles are paralysed, which they think may result in permanent loss of bowel and bladder control and sexual function.’ He winked at Dave. ‘Which is nice. But at least I can use my arms. I can still flick my dick, make shapes with it.’
Dave wiped his eyes. ‘The spinal cord relays signals from your brain,’ he uttered sombrely.
Geoff blinked away a tear. ‘Not when the fucker’s severed it doesn’t.’
Dave summoned strength. ‘This isn’t the end, Geoff. You still have your mind and heart – they’re the most important things. You’re still alive. There are still options and possibilities. They’re just different now. You need to refocus.’
Geoff sniggered. ‘I always thought my cock was the most important thing.’
‘That’s not the way to think, Geoff.’
‘Easy for you to say with fully functioning meat between your legs.’
‘It’s hardly meat!’
Geoff laughed.
Dave inhaled. He wanted to cry, but knew he couldn’t in front of Geoff. ‘I’m going now. I’ll come again tomorrow.’
‘That’s okay.’
Dave shook his hand and then left.
Geoff watched him disappear round the corner…
So he had split them up, he acknowledged. He’d got what he’d wanted more than anything…more than his own health. What a fucking price to pay! Restricted to this wheelchair, to this piss and shit bag for the rest of his life…
When he’d accepted that he’d be here for a long time, he’d realised how alone he was. Dave would be his only visitor. Dave was the only person in the world who cared about him. His family had disowned him because he was ‘obnoxious’, and he was nothing more than an unpleasant memory to all the women he’d used and abused. Jenny had obviously told Tash everything, and she’d decided to go, too.
He’d met so many people during his life, and they should be here now supporting and encouraging him, but instead they were elsewhere with important, kind people who cared for them.
Why hadn’t he realised this before? Why did it have to hit him like a steam train when it was too late? He loathed himself for allowing this suffering. It was punishment for his misdemeanours.
Until now, he had never known dependency. In fact, he now knew more than that – he knew the desire for dependency. He needed someone and they weren’t there. Ben had gone on and on about need, but Geoff had rejected it as subtle bragging. Now he knew it wasn’t, knew that he’d been blind. Ben simply hadn’t needed to be crippled in order to understand need – he’d been comfortable with his emotions, unafraid to show and enjoy them. Geoff, on the other hand, had been a fool and had not only fucked himself up, but also Ben and Jenny. He’d been so jealous, selfish and vindictive that he’d devoted his time to crushing their happiness.
And for what? To end a petty rivalry? He’d had sex with Jenny and the memory couldn’t raise his dick. It was a vicious circle – tragically, he learnt of the support needed to endure a disaster of this magnitude only by suffering it first, when it was too late to make a difference. He covered his face with his hands.
He looked at his thighs and calves. They still bulged from the intensive training he’d done in England. T
ears rolled down his cheeks. Soon the muscles would shrink before his eyes.
He didn’t care about justice. Receiving compensation for his injuries and having Ben locked up would mean nothing to him. What difference would it make? He was paralysed. He’d stay paralysed.
Geoff wheeled himself along the corridor, towards the lift. They had told him it was good exercise. He took the lift to the top floor and then manoeuvred his chair to the ladder. He freed himself from his chair, and then, using his arms, scaled the ladder with ease. Hanging by one arm, he opened the latch and then pushed open the door, setting off a deafening alarm. Geoff scrambled onto the roof, and then seal-crawled along the gravelled surface, his useless legs scraping over the stones beneath him.
He wondered what he’d created, trembling as he relived the ordeal. Ben had conjured up Will, believing his father was there with them. He had barked orders as Will and responded as himself. It was as if that murderer had possessed him, and it scared Geoff to think of what might happen.
He toppled off the building, heading towards all he had left to gain…
37
Two months later, Dave received a phone call from Ben, informing him of his new address and inviting him over. Dave was warned not to tell anyone where he lived.
That afternoon, as Dave climbed the crumbling, grey steps to Albany House, he likened it to a mini estate. Located in the slums of London, it was probably full of the same type of slag he dealt with on division.
He pressed the buzzer beside the communal door and waited for Ben to acknowledge him. Dave was anxious to unravel the mystery of Ben’s disappearance, his falling out with Jenny - Dave had been convinced they would marry - and to discover the truth about Geoff’s injuries.
Ben had sounded different on the phone – sinister and cold. When Dave pressed the buzzer again, the door clicked. Ben hadn’t spoken on the intercom. Dave pushed the door open and walked to the waiting lift. Stepping inside, he screwed his face up at the strong smell of urine and the obscene graffiti, and then pressed five.
On the fifth floor, he approached Ben’s door. Seeing it was ajar, he pushed it open and walked through, shutting it behind him. He walked along the narrow hallway and into the living room. Threadbare, yellow curtains were drawn, so everything was dim. The musty stench overpowered him. Ben was stretched out on the sofa.
‘Dave,’ he mumbled without looking at him. ‘Come in.’
Even in the poor light, Dave could tell Ben looked different. He was unshaven, unclean, and his eyes lifeless.
‘What’s happened to you, Ben?’
Ben leapt up from his seat, grabbed Dave by the throat, and then thrust him against the wall. Terrified, Dave looked at him.
‘What…are you doing, Ben?’
Ben stared psychotically. ‘Ben is history, d’you understand?’ He squeezed Dave’s throat tight. Dave nodded. ‘Ben is dead. Mention him again and I’ll snap your throat like a fucking twig. Clear?’
‘Yes-’
‘If he must be referred to, you will say, “When you were sick”. He was the weakness I suffered for twenty wasted years. Now I’m alive.’
Desperate to cooperate, Dave croaked, ‘Who are you?’
‘My name is Ryan.’ He eased his grip.
‘Are you still my friend?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then will you stop hurting me?’
Ryan laughed and let go. ‘You’re funny, Dave.’ He returned to the sofa.
Dave gently patted his neck and coughed his throat clear. ‘What the fuck is this about, Ryan? Why did you strangle me?’
‘I told you. It’s the only time I’ll ever attack you. You’re a mate.’
Shaken and disorientated, Dave sat down on a rickety chair. ‘I think I need a shit.’
Ryan laughed again. ‘So how are you, Dave?’
Dave gawked at him. ‘Are you serious? You nearly killed me, you nutcase!’
‘I warned you. I’m deadly serious. Never mention my former identity to anyone.’
‘May I ask why not?’
‘Yes. I’ve been blind and stupid. Now I’m awake. Now life is fucking beautiful.’ His smile was wide and disturbing.
‘Why did you break up with Jenny?’
Looking puzzled, Ryan stared at him. ‘Who’s Jenny?’
‘She was your girlfriend.’
‘Never had a girlfriend.’
Dave took a deep breath of rancid air. ‘I understand – you’ve just been born. How come you know me, then?’
‘If I hadn’t retained anything from my sickness, I wouldn’t be able to talk would I? I’ve kept what I need.’
‘Well, it’s nice to know you need me.’
‘I wouldn’t go that far. You’re a mate I didn’t want to leave behind.’
‘So, Jenny is left behind?’
‘Yep.’
‘But I thought-’
‘It’s irrelevant,’ Ryan interrupted. ‘Forget about it. It’s over.’
‘What about Geoff?’
Ryan looked away. ‘I heard.’
‘You heard?’
‘That’s what I said.’
‘Did you cripple him?’
‘He’s my friend. How could you even think that?’
Dave leaned forward. ‘Did you do it to him when you were sick?’
Ryan glared at him. ‘I told you he’s my friend. How could that be so if I’d done that to him?’
Dave plucked up his courage and said, ‘Maybe you overreacted and now feel guilty and want things to be the way they were before.’
‘No,’ Ryan shouted. ‘You’re talking shit and it’s pissing me off, because Geoff’s my friend and I can’t believe what happened to him.’
Dave could see Ryan was upset, but itched to pursue this line of questioning. ‘Why didn’t you visit him? And why didn’t you go to his funeral?’
Funeral! Ryan turned away to hide his reaction. Had he killed him? Had the cunt died from his injuries? He had to find out…
‘I couldn’t bear to see him like that – it would’ve broken me up and I wouldn’t have recovered. It’s such an injustice…’ He scraped his fingers through his hair. ‘What was the actual cause of death?’
‘He threw himself off the hospital roof, Ryan,’ Dave said bluntly. ‘I’m sure you can imagine.’
Suicide! Ryan felt demoralised. Death was too easy. That released the cunt from the suffering…
‘How did you find out?’ Dave asked.
‘When he didn’t return home for weeks I knew something was wrong, so I called the hospitals.’
‘Why did he leave America early?’
‘I don’t know. Stop talking about my sickness. It’s winding me up’
Disgusted, Dave said, ‘How can you be so self-centred? Geoff killed himself because he was paralysed!’
A jolt of energy swept through Ryan. He hadn’t called the hospital, but had known he’d crippled the cunt for life. Hearing it confirmed by Dave pleased him. No fucking, too - what a bonus! Such a shame the cunt was dead.
‘It’s sad, but I warned you, Dave. Don’t make me angry. I’m different now. I can’t restrain myself anymore.’
‘You weren’t very good at it before.’
Dave stood up, concerned about both Ryan and his own safety. Something had happened to Ben, something very bad. It was more than a break-up. Though Ben had been madly in love with Jenny, this was not a normal reaction to a separation. He knew Geoff’s injuries had to be connected. Maybe Geoff had slept with her. That would have been enough for Ben to unleash an attack of the magnitude Geoff had received, but if Ben had crippled Geoff, why had Geoff not named him as the suspect? He’d been disabled for life – surely he would have wanted justice? Or had he been bound to loyalty? Loyalty after suffering that? He had chosen to take his own life because of his injuries… This line of thinking raised more discrepancies – Ben and Geoff were good friends. Dave doubted Geoff would have done the dirty on him. And Jenny was a wonderful girl who was deeply in lo
ve with Ben and knew it was reciprocated. Her two-timing him just wasn’t feasible. No way could Dave entertain that possibility. So what happened?
During his service he’d seen psychopaths, and ‘Ryan’ had the symptoms of one now. It had always been a threat. Ben had been a frightened, scarred child when Dave’s family had taken him in, and he had adjusted to his new life quickly. But though just a child himself, Dave had still been acute enough to sense an underlying aggression in his friend. That anger had truly surfaced during their late teens when Ben had gruesome fights in pubs. They stopped when Ben started dating Jenny, and Dave had hoped the violence had been consigned to the past.
Now it was back, and Dave’s deepest fears had materialised. He choked back tears, feeling emotional about Ben’s mental decline. He felt guilty that he cared a lot less about Geoff’s passing, but Ben was a lifelong friend and Dave could never be closer to anyone else.
He looked at the ‘transformation’ in front of him and shivered. What could he do when he didn’t know the cause? Tash was untraceable. Jenny wouldn’t speak with him and had obviously been hurt too. How? How could he find out if no one would talk to him? Jesus, it was his day off, yet he felt like he was working harder than he ever had.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ he said. ‘Will you visit Geoff’s grave?’
Ryan sprang up and launched himself at Dave, stopping just short of contact. Dave backed against the wall and held up his hands in surrender.
‘Ryan, please don’t…’
‘Geoff is in my fucking past,’ he rasped. ‘We’re finished. I don’t want to hear about him. I don’t fucking care that it’s selfish and I don’t want you whinging about it, or linking me to that spineless cunt, Ben. When you talk about me, Ryan, you’re talking about a new friend you’ve made. Understood?’
‘Y-yes,’ Dave stuttered.
‘We start again,’ Ryan roared, veins throbbing in his head. ‘Is that understood?’
Dave nodded and then briskly left the flat, leaving Ryan seething in the lounge. He took the stairs instead of the lift, afraid of being enclosed. He gasped for breath when he left the building, and then staggered along the street.