She never pushed me about things that had to do with my life, so just the fact that she had pushed this point meant it was important. And I knew she was right. Ellie was my daughter. She would be her stepmother one day. Of course she should meet Ellie. It wasn't like I'd stopped being her father, even though I wasn't raising Ellie.
I chewed on that for a while. Had I stopped being her father? Had I ever really been her father? I'd been inside for several years, and off being an outlaw for the rest. Ellie was Tina's daughter, really. She'd raised her, and now her mother was raising her. Is that why I felt this way? What did it mean that Dakota would be her stepmother? Did it mean anything at all? What would come of this meeting? What if Ellie didn't like Dakota? What if she did? Would it change anything? Would it change everything? Fuck.
Would meeting my daughter change how Dakota felt about me? Would she judge me more? Would she love me less? Would it change our plans? She was a natural mother. I could see it when I watched her with some of the guy's children. I could also see how she missed being a mom. Hell, I even regretted that we couldn't have a baby together. What if she wanted Ellie to live with us? I couldn't have that. Ellie was safe away from me. Fuck!
I couldn't be still anymore. I got out of bed, trying not to disturb Dakota, and yanked on my jeans. I went out onto the balcony. The sea breeze was sharp with a chill, but I didn't care. I stood looking out at the ocean, palely luminescent in the waning night. I tried to clear my head, but it was too crowded. Seeing the kid today was a mistake. I was pissed at Dakota for pushing so hard. What right did she have?
Even as these thoughts coalesced, I knew they were petty and unfair. I shoved them back. She had a right. She was my future Birdy–my fiancée. Of course she had a right. More than that, she was just… right. But that was what pissed me off, really. Seeing my kid meant facing a lot of shit I'd been keeping to the background. I didn't want to face any of it. I was only doing this for Dakota.
A light came on behind me, and I heard the door slide open. Dakota's arms snaked around my waist. I felt her press her cheek against my back. "Hey, you okay?"
I took a breath and tamed down the anger I was feeling. "I'm fine. Couldn't sleep."
She shivered and squeezed me gently. "Aren't you cold?"
"No."
She lifted her head, but didn't say anything. Then she sidled around to face me. She was wearing the black shirt I wore last night. "Jake, what's up? I know something is wrong."
I looked over her head at the surf for a moment, then closed my eyes and took a breath. When I looked down at her, I saw the concern in her eyes. I kissed her forehead. "I'm fine, babe. Just thinking about the kid and hoping today goes okay. You should go back to bed. It's way too early to be awake."
"Not without you."
That made me impatient and I could feel my temper flare, but I caught myself before I said anything sharp. Instead, I said simply, "Okay," and let her lead me back inside. We settled in bed, Dakota's head pillowed on my chest. She traced her fingers gently over my chest and abdomen until she fell asleep, her hand curled over my heart.
I lay there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for dawn to push the darkness away.
Chapter Twelve
Dakota
Jake pulled the rental Tahoe over and parked it in front of a small single-story house. It appeared to be well maintained but it was very plain. There was a chain link fence around the front yard, and an old Ford LTD wagon, with faux wood panels, parked in the carport. This was Tina's mother's house, I figured.
I could only suppose, because Jake had barely spoken an entire sentence all morning. I'd tried to talk at first, but he was clearly not in the mood, so I'd just let him be. I knew seeing his daughter again was going to be hard. He hadn't said much about it, even before this morning, but I guessed that his guilt for sending her away, and his guilt and melancholy about Tina, were trumping any joy he might feel about seeing Ellie again.
I knew that I'd pushed him pretty hard to get him to agree to this, so I wasn't pushing to get him to talk about it.
He killed the engine but just sat there, looking out the windshield, his hands on the wheel. I waited. Finally, he took a breath and said, "Marie, Tina's mother, can't stand me. She’s not fine us coming here today. I don't know how she’s going to act. She might be difficult and rude, even in front of Ellie. You don't have to come to the door if you don't want to."
I put my hand on his. "I won't take it personally, but what do you want me to do?"
"I don't care."
That hurt my feelings, but I didn't think he meant to. He'd been terse like this all morning. I mentally shook it off, but I dropped my hand from his. "I'll come to the door with you, then."
"Let's go." He got out of the truck.
I stayed a couple of steps back when he rang the bell. A dog started yapping furiously as soon as Jake pressed the button. A short, heavyset woman with short, faded-auburn hair opened the main door and stared out at us through the metal security door. A puffy little black dog made a racket at my feet. "Jake," the woman said, bitterly.
"Marie. Ellie, ready?"
"I don't know where you get off, dropping in on our lives after more than a year. I'm the one who has to deal with her if you get her all stirred up."
"She’s my daughter, Marie. I just want, one day. We had this out already."
"One day to show off her mama's replacement? Real nice. That's her, I expect?"
I stepped up. "My name is Dakota. Nice to–"
"–You know this idiot will get you killed, just like he got my baby girl killed, right? What kind of woman wants his life? I'll tell you what kind: Dead. Stupid and dead."
I could see how rigid Jake was. His fists were clenched at his sides and he was shaking. I took another step forward, putting myself between him and the door. "Well, I think we're all clear on your feelings. You knew we were coming. You know that you can't keep Jake from Ellie. So your belligerence is all for show. Why don't you call Ellie so she can spend the day with her dad? Then we'll get out of your hair."
"Bitch."
"Thank you."
Marie huffed and sputtered, but she turned and yelled, "Ellie! Your father's here!" She turned on Jake. "Don't you bring her back torn up, asshole."
Jake said nothing. I stepped back, off the porch.
When Ellie came into view, I could see she was wearing a cute yellow and white dress. Marie gave her a quick hug. "Okay, Ellie. Be good. I'll see you tonight." She opened the door and held it for Ellie as she passed through. "I want her home by six for dinner." She slammed and locked both doors.
Ellie stood on the porch, looking awkward. At first, Jake just looked at her. He didn't speak; he didn't move. Just as I was thinking I would have to intervene, he squatted down and said, "Hi, Ellie. I sure missed you." He held out his arms. Ellie hesitated for several long seconds but then went into her father's embrace. I walked backwards, towards the street, trying to make a private space for them.
Jake held his child until Ellie got restless, then he stood up and swiped at his eyes. He turned to me and waved me back. As I walked to them, Jake said, "Ellie, this is Dakota. I told you about her. We're going to get married in the future and I wanted you to meet her first."
I held out my hand and said, "I'm very glad to meet you. Your dress is real pretty." She shook my hand shyly, and I smiled.
Jake cleared his throat. "We thought we'd go see a movie and go for pizza after. How's that sound?" Ellie nodded. "Okay, let's go then." Jake led us to the truck.
Jake and I had done some research when we were planning the trip, so we knew there was a pizza and arcade place near a local Cineplex, and we'd figured out what movie to see ahead of time. Considering the profound lack of discussion that was happening now, that preparation was an especially good thing. Maybe seeing a movie wasn't the best bonding opportunity, but it was a good icebreaker and would give us something to talk about afterwards.
That was the plan, anyway. But between Ja
ke's stoicism and Ellie’s awkward detachment, I thought it unlikely that there would be much talking at any point during this visit. The movie had been fine and Ellie had seemed to enjoy it. Jake let us have what we wanted from the snack bar, and we were animated making our selections, at least. I tried to participate without horning in between Jake and his child.
We perked up at the pizza place. We ordered a large pizza, and Ellie got a milkshake. She started answering with more than one syllable the questions Jake, and sometimes I, asked. She seemed to warm up to us both.
As the pizza dwindled, Ellie asked if we were going to get to play in the arcade. Jake said of course, and we spent the next three hours playing video games. The ice seemed broken, at least between Jake and his daughter. He was still being pretty chilly with me, though. Not so much that Ellie noticed, but I sure did.
We walked Ellie up to Marie's front door just before 6:00 PM. Jake squatted down to hug Ellie. "I love you, Ellie. You be good for your grandma, okay? I'll call you soon." He kissed her on the cheek. Ellie held on tight and resisted when Jake tried to loosen his grip. "Daddy, don't go!" she cried.
I blinked back tears. Jake squeezed her close for a minute. I heard his voice crack when he said, "I-I'm sorry, Ellie. I can't stay." She still wouldn't let go, and Jake had to pry his arms loose. "C'mon, princess. You need to go in. Your grandma's waiting for you."
She finally stepped back, sniffling. She started to head to the door, but then she stopped and walked to me. She held out her small hand. I took it and we shook. "Bye-bye, Dakota. You're pretty." She ran back to the porch. Marie opened the door just then, and Ellie went in. Ellie turned back to look at her dad just as Marie closed the door on us. I heard the deadbolt catch.
Jake turned on his heels and walked back to the truck. I had to trot to keep up with him. He gunned the engine and pulled away before I had my seatbelt fastened. He drove the whole way back to the hotel–sixty miles–without uttering a word, his hands around the steering wheel in a white-knuckle grip. I remained silent, wishing Jake would let me in.
I also thought of what could have been with Joshua.
***
Jake turned the truck in with the hotel concierge and we headed to our room. The ride in the elevator was just as thickly silent as the ride in the truck had been. Jake walked straight through the room to the balcony. He shut the door behind him. He sat down in one of the two lounge chairs out there and looked out over the beach. I stood in the middle of the room and tried to figure out what I had done. What I should do.
I knew that he wanted space–he was making that abundantly clear–and my gut told me to give it to him. But this felt too big to be left alone. I was sure that it was going to come to a head one way or another, and I'd rather it not happen when I wasn't expecting it. My gut was screaming at me not to do it, but I didn't feel like I really had a choice. So I psyched myself up and opened the balcony door.
"Jake. Talk to me. We need to talk."
"No, we don't."
I stood in front of him, obstructing his view of the ocean. "You have to know that things between us all day have been weird. Something's going on. I can try to guess, but it would be better if you told me, don't you think?"
Jake looked up at me. He spoke through a clenched jaw. "I don't want to talk. I don't know if I can control what I would say."
"The implication of which is that you think you would say something hurtful to me if we talk now. And the implication of that is that you're angry with me. But I don't know why you would be. So we need to talk."
"You don't know? Really?"
"Really, Jake. I can think of a lot of reasons that you'd be feeling bad right now, and I want to be here for you. Now more than ever.” Thinking about Joshua today was bringing a ton of hurt in my world and I needed Jake as much as I knew he needed me. “But if I did something to make you angry, I'm really at a loss."
He stood up, towering over me, glaring at me. "All the reasons I'm feeling bad right now? There because of you. You made me do that today. You forced that whole fucking mess. You hurt my baby girl and left me feeling fucking raw. So yeah, I'm pissed."
Jesus. I wasn't going to let that slide. "Well, that's a huge load of shit. That's weak, Jake. Deflecting your shit onto me. How dare you?"
He grabbed my arms hard enough to make me furious and stared at me. He was shaking. I stared back and said, low but with force, "You are on the bleeding edge of the point of no return, Jake. Take your hands off of me. If you force me to remove them myself, I'm walking. Leaving you and your ring behind."
He dropped his hands. "Fuck! I told you I don't want to fucking talk about this!" He was really yelling, right in my face.
Dixon stepped out onto the balcony next door. "Guys? We good out here?"
Jake answered without turning around. "Not your business, brother."
Dixon looked at me. He raised his eyebrows in query. I said, "It's cool, Dixon. We're okay. Thanks." He stood there for a couple of seconds, unconvinced, then went back into his and Tiffany's room. He left their balcony door open, though.
Jake looked over his shoulder at the neighboring balcony, and then turned back around. "If you still want to talk about this, fine. But let's take it inside." I made an 'after you' gesture towards the door. I was pretty enraged myself, now.
Back inside, I sat down on the bed. Jake paced. "Okay, Jake. Time for some hard truth, because I think your whole attitude today is bullshit. You say all this is my fault. Why? Because I thought that I should meet the one thing that’s more important to you than anything else in this god forsaken world, before I become yours for eternity? Fuck you.
“I didn't ask you to change any of the decisions you've made about Ellie. I haven't even ever offered an opinion about the decisions you've made about her. I am not trying to put myself between you and her at all. I didn't ask you to do anything except pay your child a visit and introduce me. How do you think she’d have felt if you'd married me without letting her meet me?
"You feel bad, I wonder if it's because you feel like you abandoned her." Jake charged towards me, then pulled up short. Rage was contorting his face, but I held my ground. "Jake, I swear to fucking God, you have got to calm down."
"You don't get to say shit like that and then tell me to calm down!" Apparently he was going to substitute volume for violence. Fine. An improvement.
Volume wasn't my style, however. I kept my voice level. "Sure I do. I get to have a conversation with you without worrying that you're going to fuck us up by trying to hurt me. And by the way, I didn't say you abandoned your kid. I said I wonder if you feel like you did."
He looked at me, blinking, as he processed the distinction. I could see when some of the fire went out of his fury. I continued, "Look, Jake. I don'tthink you abandoned Ellie. I really have no idea if you made the right call sending her down here to live. She isn’t my child, and I wouldn't presume to think I know what's right for her. I certainly know that the life you lead isn't conducive to being around the way a child needs you to be around.
“But I'm not going to let you off the hook. I think you sent her away as much to protect yourself as you did to protect her. You wanted to keep her safe, yes, but also, you didn't want to have the constant worry. Maybe that's why you're so upset. But, for the right reasons or the wrong ones, you made that choice to send your child away, not me."
Jake roared. He wheeled around and swept his arm across the desk, clearing it with a loud crash. Dixon was pounding on the connecting door within seconds. "Jake! What's going on? Let me in! Now. Or I'm shooting my way in!" I quickly stood up from the bed and unlocked the door. Dixon pushed through the doorway and put himself between Jake and me. Tiffany was right there, too. "Dakota, are you okay?" Dixon asked.
"I'm okay. Really. I appreciate the concern"–I looked pointedly at Jake, who was breathing heavily and staring at the three of us–"but we're just having an intense disagreement. No fists have flown, and none will. Promise."
Dixon loo
ked at Jake. "Bro, I don't know what's going on with you, but you need to stop and think right now. Do not fuck this up." Jake didn't respond.
"It's okay, Dixon. You can go," I said. With another concerned look at me, Dixon reluctantly led Tiffany back to their room. He closed the door. But he left it unlocked.
I walked over to Jake. I didn't touch him, not yet. "I’m so sorry that the visit stirred all this up for you, and maybe for Ellie, too. I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know you love her more than life itself and want what's best for her. Maybe you've given her that. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't change how I feel about you. You're a wonderful man, Jake. You love well and deeply. I don't question your decision. I support you. I'll never ask you to visit her again, and I'll never get in your way if you want to see Ellie." I touched him, then, putting a hand on his chest, over his heart.
At first, he just stood there, looking at the floor, still breathing hard. Then he looked up, into my eyes. His eyes were red-rimmed and watery. He grabbed me by the waist and yanked me against him. He clutched my head in his other hand and leaned down to kiss me, hard. I slid my arms around his neck. Now this was familiar working-out-pain territory.
He tore my shirt out of my jeans and pulled it up over my breasts. He shoved my bra up. He ripped my belt and jeans open and yanked my jeans down. Lifting me by the waist, he dropped me on the desk he'd just cleared.
It was familiar, yes, but I began to realize that it was very different to what we usually had. I felt threatened and anxious. When he needed to be rough to come down from some violent gang confrontation, I understood what he needed, and I knew we were on the same side. That was okay–it was good. What was happening now, though–we had been fighting. His anger was directed at me. Whatever he wanted now, we weren't on the same side. His roughness now felt like an attack.
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