“No, fuck you, Kane. You need to either show Steph some commitment or cut her loose.”
“Oh, really, Paul? You’re going to go there now?”
“Why shouldn’t I? I’ve watched you play with her long enough. I get you’ve got your issues and all, but you’re being a selfish dick and I’m sick of watching it.”
“Issues?” I said, pulling hard on my wrench.
A bolt was stuck and as Paul kept yakking, my grip on the wrench slipped, crashing my fist against a sharp edge of sheet metal. Blood poured all over the engine.
“Fuck,” I yelled, pulling the rag from my back pocket and tying it around my hand.
I looked at Paul. He sighed and went to the first aid kit on the wall. He opened it and took out some bandages and alcohol.
“Come here,” he said.
I held out my hand and he untied the rag.
“Nice work, buddy.”
“Yeah, thanks. I’m a real pro at life, lately.”
“This is going to sting,” he said, opening the bottle of alcohol.
“Don’t pretend you’re not enjoying this.”
He gave me a wink then poured the alcohol over the gash in my hand. It stung like hell and I winced.
“Look, all I’m saying is Steph is a cool chick, Kane.”
He wrapped a clean bandage around my hand and taped it up.
“She wants to get more serious with you. Why don’t you give her the chance?”
“She told you that?”
He looked away then looked back at me. “Yes.”
“So she talks about us with you?”
“Yes. You got a problem with that too?”
I sighed. “I’m sorry, man. I know I’m a real pain in the ass lately. I’m surprised you’re still my friend.”
“I’ll always be your friend, Kane.”
“And I thought I had problems,” I said, smiling.
He hit me on the arm and I relaxed a little.
“Paul, I know what she wants. I know she’s a great girl, too. And I know she deserves better.”
“But?”
“But you saw first hand what happened last time I let someone in. My whole world fell apart. It destroyed me. I can’t take that risk again.”
He looked at me and the look of sympathy on his face made me feel ashamed. You know things are bad when your best friend pities you.
Another text came in and I sighed.
It was from Steph.
“I’m coming to the shop.”
“Oh, great,” I said.
“What did she say?”
“She’s on her way here. Just what I need.”
“Look, dude. Just talk to her. She deserves that much. She’s been holding out hope you’ll come around, but if that’s not happening, you need to let her go.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“Just call her, man. She’s not a monster. She’s on your side.”
“Thanks, Paul.”
Paul shrugged.
“Don’t worry about the boat. I’m on it.”
I dialed Steph’s number and walked out of the shop to the parking lot. It took her no time to answer.
“Finally. What the hell, Kane? Why have you been ignoring me?”
“Steph, come on. I had music playing. I couldn’t hear the phone.”
“Did you even read my texts or listen to the voicemail messages I left?”
“No. I haven’t had time. But here I am. What’s so important that it can’t wait?”
“Why are you talking to me like that? What did I do wrong?”
“Nothing Steph. I just want to know what’s the big emergency all of a sudden?”
She sighed. I knew this was difficult for her so I stopped giving her a hard time.
“Kane. I know you said you’re not looking for anything serious, but we’ve been spending a lot of time together and I really feel like there’s an amazing connection between us.”
“Steph…”
“Please, let me finish. I’ve been calm, I’ve been patient, and I’ve respected all of your boundaries. I’ve shown you kindness, compassion. When I’m with you, I feel happy. Each time I see you, I feel myself fall a little more in love with you. But something’s missing. After we make love, you’re so cold toward me. It kills me on the inside. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to be with you, Kane. To really be with you. I want to spend time with you, not just sex. I want us to take this next step.”
I let out a long sigh. I knew what I was about to say was going to break this girl’s heart. She was right. She’d been kind to me. She’d been nothing but good. She didn’t deserve this. But if there’s one thing life taught me, it’s that life isn’t fair. Life is a motherfucker.
“I don’t want that Steph. Not with you. Not with anyone. I’m not ready.”
She went silent. It was like I could hear her heart shatter through the phone. I kept explaining.
“I’ve been clear with you from the very start. I’m sorry you felt there was something more. But there isn’t. There never will be.”
She wasn’t saying anything back. I could tell she was crying. What was with all the crying women lately?
Was it something in air? Or was it that I was just the world’s biggest asshole.
I heard her take a deep breath.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” she gasped, tears choking her words. “I really believed there was something real between us, Kane.”
I said nothing and she continued.
“I can’t believe this. I can’t fucking believe this. I’m leaving town. I have to. I can’t be here.”
I didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter because she kept talking.
“Good luck finding another woman. I know your heart was broken, and I’m sorry, but you’ll never feel happy again if you keep hiding behind a brick wall. It’s making you cold and distant. You’re keeping everyone who cares about you out. It must be lonely being you. I feel sorry for you Kane.”
I knew where she was headed and I spoke up to change the subject.
“Where will you go?”
“To my sister’s in Colorado.”
She paused, as if giving me a chance to tell her not to go.
“Good bye,” I said.
She hung up. Conversations like this had come up between us in the past, but without fail, after a few days, or a few beers, we’d find our way back to each other. It had become an addiction for both of us. This time was different. It was really over. And I was glad.
She deserved better. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was just filling a void with her, the void Carolyn left the day I lost her.
CHAPTER 18
MEADOW
I noticed a newspaper box across the street as I walked out of the café. I grabbed a copy of the local paper and headed toward the pier. The whole area was crawling with people, but I felt like I was alone in my own world. My mind was consumed with thoughts as I walked to the nearest empty bench.
Maybe the reason I was feeling so on edge was because of all the uncertainty. I needed a plan. Was I going to stay in Pismo Beach? Or should I take Kane’s advice and leave. If I left, where would I go? And who was to say my luck in the next town would be any better? There must have been an asshole like Kane in every town.
Did I really believe I could make it on my own?
Did I even know how to? Did I even want to? Maybe I should go back to Palo Alto, I thought. Maybe I should just go back to Matt. Maybe after being roughed up by the Brotherhood, he’d finally learned his lesson and was ready to be the husband I needed.
In that moment, I remembered about the thirty-seven unread texts on my phone. I had been so distracted in the café that I forgot to check them. I reached for my phone and saw messages from my mom and a group text with two of my best friends.
I was only interested in the messages from Matt.
He had sent so many that he’d practically written a novel. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face wh
at he had to say to me. Under his name, I could see the preview of his last message.
“You made a big mistake walking out on me. You’ll never make it on your own, Meadow.”
I dragged my finger to the left over his message, and deleted the entire thread. I didn’t need to read what else he had to say. That was enough. From that day on, I was determined to prove him wrong. To prove everyone wrong. To prove to myself that I could make it on my own. I was capable of it.
Matt was always so controlling and overbearing, he never even gave me the opportunity to learn or grow as my own person. I blocked his phone number and instantly felt a weight lift off my shoulders.
I put my phone away and looked around. To the right were beautiful rolling hills stretching out in the distance. Down on the water, a group of seven guys were out with their surf boards, joking and laughing with each other. The beach was busy with all kinds of people, young families playing on the water’s edge, runners, tourists taking pictures, small groups getting surf lessons. Everyone was so happy. The pier was buzzing.
Something about being there felt right.
Beside me on the bench, amongst all the graffiti, a message carved into the wood caught my eye. It simply said, You belong here. If that wasn’t a direct message from God, I didn’t know what was.
I smiled to myself. All right Pismo Beach. Let’s do this.
I sat there, not quite sure what my first step should be as a strong, independent woman. It was all so new to me.
I needed an apartment. It would be so exciting getting my own place. Getting to pick all new paint colors, furniture, accessories. A space that was truly my own, reflecting my own personal style with no influence from Matt or anyone else. I’d never had that in my entire life.
I opened the newspaper and flipped to the For Rent section. There were quite a few options, some that sounded really great but they all had ridiculously high rent prices. I couldn’t believe that rent was so expensive in a little beach town. With the money I withdrew the night before, I would have been able to cover a security deposit and get by for a few months, but it would have burned through my safety net pretty quickly.
Plus, I knew I’d come off sketchy to any potential landlord.
I could just picture it.
Yes sir, that’s correct. I have no references and no job, but I do however have this questionable wad of cash.
Getting a job was definitely the first logical step in my new I-don’t-need-a-man life. I flipped to the Help Wanted section and a photograph of Kane instantly jumped out at me. There he was, topless, obviously just getting out of the water, pulling a white tank-top over his perfectly sculpted muscles. I let out an ironic laugh. That guy was everywhere I looked.
The ad was for Beach Body Automotive and Marine Repair. Very clever Kane. You obviously have the perfect beach body. Why not flaunt it?
I so wanted to hate his stupid shop and laugh at him for putting a topless picture of himself in his ad. Talk about whoring yourself out! But all I could think was oh-my-God-look-at-that-beach-body. Those perfectly sculpted pecs and abs made me wet just looking at them.
Damn him. Damn him and his super sexy surfer beach body.
I added his name to my mental list of people I was going to prove wrong and started reading through the Help Wanted ads. It wasn’t long before I felt discouraged by that section too. There were plenty of options, but the majority of them were looking for someone with experience or specific education or training. I dug a little deeper for the entry level positions.
A shoe store was hiring and willing to train. I wondered if I could actually spend my day around strangers’ feet. The potential of a staff discount made me consider it, but the potential of foot odors and fungus feet made me move on to the next ad. A few dishwasher positions, garbage pickup for the local parks department, some places looking for delivery drivers. My stomach sank as reality sunk in. Paying the rent wasn’t going to be easy.
I fiddled with my engagement ring necklace, moving it nervously between my fingers as I questioned again if I actually had what it took to make it on my own.
Even if any of those employers decided to give me a job, was it really what I wanted to be doing with my new life? With my lack of experience and no education beyond high school, I’d never be able to get a job that would give me the comfort and lifestyle I was used to. I stopped twirling my ring and held it away from my chest. I looked down at the giant diamond that was surrounded by even more diamonds.
Behind the sparkle and flash of my, I’ll admit it, obnoxious engagement ring, I spotted an ad for a local pawn and jewelry exchange shop. I quickly closed the paper and made my way to my car, typing the name of the jewelry store into my phone as I walked.
It was only five minutes away, perfect.
I drove straight to the pawn shop and took off the necklace as I walked inside. I had no idea what it was worth, but I was sure the money would help me avoid having to get any of those jobs, at least for a while.
“I’d like to have this appraised,” I said as I removed the ring from the chain and handed it to the clerk who worked there.
He was an old guy with shaggy white hair and a beard and he looked at the ring and then at me.
“Wow lady, I’ve never had a ring like this come in before. I’m not even sure I’d be able to re-sell it.”
“I need to get rid of it.”
He let out a little laugh and took out a magnifying glass, looking at the diamonds more closely.
“Well, at first glance, unless I’m mistaken, I’d say you’re probably looking at over one-hundred thousand dollars for a rock like this. I’d have to take some photos and send them to an appraiser in New York, but this is an expensive ring, lady.”
I took the ring from him and looked at it more closely. I was in shock that Matt would actually spend that much money on something for me. It was so much, and especially for when we got engaged. He wasn’t making half as much then as he was now. It really was quite the grand gesture. I hadn’t realized it at the time. He must have really loved me to have spent that much money on something that represented his love for me and our commitment to each other.
Matt’s family wasn’t close. He hadn’t had a very warm upbringing. In all of the years I was with him, I’m not sure I ever saw him hug his father, or even his mother. I never heard them say I love you to each other.
I started to wonder if maybe gifts were the only way Matt knew how to show his love.
I looked up at the jeweler.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m making a huge mistake. I can’t sell this to you.”
CHAPTER 19
MEADOW
I rushed back to my car, fumbled with the seatbelt, and pulled out of the parking spot without even checking for traffic first. I made my way back to the highway and got on the north ramp. Next thing I knew, I had flown past the exit for my motel. I just kept driving and gaining speed.
Up ahead, I noticed a sign that said Paso Robles forty-three miles, Salinas one-hundred thirty-nine miles and Palo Alto two-hundred thirteen miles. The words Palo Alto stared me in the face as they got closer and closer. I was on the road that would take me right back. I was driving over eighty miles an hour and the sign was getting close fast. Before it got too close, I merged my way across the highway, without signaling, cutting off the cars behind me. I ignored the sound of angry horns and just barely made it to the last exit for Pismo Beach.
After a few turns on side roads, I was back at the same lookout spot as earlier that morning. I pulled into the parking lot, got out and walked toward a patch of wildflowers at the edge of the cliff.
Without hesitation I flung my engagement ring into the ocean.
I watched as it fell through the air before eventually hitting the water and disappearing from my life forever.
My engagement ring didn’t symbolize love, and I wondered if it ever had. It was nothing but a symbol of a broken, loveless marriage that was built on betrayal and lies. There was nothin
g in that marriage worth going back to, nothing worth holding on to. I was always so sure I was happy with Matt, but I began to wonder if I even knew what real happiness felt like.
I could have sold the ring, sure, and I would have gotten a lot of money for it. But that money would have been tainted, and it would have tainted the new life I was determined to start here in Pismo Beach. I wanted nothing to do with Matt, the ring, or his money. I didn’t need any of it.
It really was the day I would start a new life. My own life. A life built completely by me. On my own.
I didn’t need or want anyone’s help. I felt a sense of determination I’d never felt before. I was nervous, but it was an excited nervous. I knew I meant it, and for the first time I believed I could do it. I had been given a blank slate, and I thanked God for it.
Feeling energized, I turned on the spot and ran back to my car. My foot caught in the roots of the wildflowers and before I knew it, I was midair and going down fast. My hands broke my fall, and I burst into laughter. I stood up and brushed the dirt off my hands and knees while I looked around to see if anyone had witnessed my clumsiness.
Thankfully, I was alone.
I took my minor stumble as another message from God, saying that maybe the best way to my new life was at a slower, steady pace. I chuckled again and walked back to my car, fastened my seatbelt, checked all my mirrors, and headed back to town.
I came to a stop sign at the intersection the café was on. While I checked left and right to make sure I could proceed, a Help Wanted sign in the café window caught my eye. I couldn’t believe it. I crossed the intersection and pulled into a parking spot across the street, got out, and walked through the front door.
“Hey hun, did you forget something?” Sandra said from across the busy restaurant.
She seemed happy to see me again. She was walking back to the kitchen with her arms full of dirty dishes and a notepad of new orders. A bunch of new customers waited at the entrance for a clean table.
“Sandra, you guys are hiring?” I asked timidly as I walked toward her.
“Oh my God, you’re hired. Can you start right now?”
She laughed like she was joking, but I could tell she was serious.
“I could start right now, but I have to be honest, I have zero experience. Like, none.”
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