by Liz Maccie
“Looks like you’re not such a wuss after all,” Annie offered.
Mervin’s face lit up like he had just been given the greatest compliment of his entire life. “It just takes a little courage. That’s all.” He turned to me and smiled.
Dear Warren
4:48 p.m.
Annie grabbed the shopping bag. “Follow me.”
We crunched our way through some overgrown dried bushes and climbed up a small dirt incline. I started to slip, but Mervin reached out and grabbed my hand, helping me to the top of the ridge.
And there it was…the reservoir.
It was much bigger than what I had expected, miles and miles wide and long. The pink and orange afternoon sun glistened off the glassy water. It was stunning. There was this incredible, thick stillness to everything. It was like we had just walked into yet another world where everything before it had been gulped up and transformed into this very moment. Nothing else seemed to exist and nothing else seemed to matter.
Annie moved toward the water’s edge, and Mervin and I followed. Small ripples gently bounced up against the rocky dirt. Gently rolling in and gently rolling out.
It was peaceful. It was calm. It was ours for the taking.
“This is it,” Annie said.
“This is where Warren killed himself,” Mervin said. “It just doesn’t make much sense.”
I knew what Mervin was trying to say. It seemed so wrong that something so terrible could have taken place somewhere so beautiful.
“I want to show you guys something.” Annie reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, folded-up piece of newspaper. She held the paper out for me and Mervin to see. It was the letter Warren’s mom had printed up in the paper after Warren’s suicide. It read: Dear Warren, I’m sorry I never knew who you were because I was trying so hard to be who I’m not. Love, Warren.
Goose bumps raced across my skin.
“Oh my God,” Mervin said. “You saved it? Because I saved it too…”
Annie smiled, as if they were bonding over something they didn’t even know they had in common. “I carry it around everyday, ever since it was in the paper,” she admitted.
Annie put the paper back into her pocket and then she pulled out a small, sealed, white envelope. Across the front it read: Warren.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“A letter,” she responded rather matter-of-factly.
Mervin and I watched Annie as she took the envelope and used her hands to dig a small hole by the water’s edge. Then she placed the letter into the hole and began covering it up with the loose dirt.
“What’s it say?” Mervin finally asked. “Your letter, I mean.”
But Annie didn’t answer. Instead, she leaned over to wash her hands clean. I glanced over at Mervin, unsure what to do or say next. I imagined Annie’s letter said a lot.
“The water, it’s not even cold; feel it,” Annie said, breaking the awkward silence.
Mervin and I went to her and crouched down by the water’s edge. We dipped our hands into the water. And she was right. It felt warm and inviting.
“Here’s our chance. To let it all go. To let all the bad shit not matter anymore…” Annie’s voice drifted away.
Mervin turned to her. “I’m sorry. You were right. About all of this.” It sounded like he was trying to not cry. “We were meant to come here today.”
Annie sweetly smiled. “I know.”
In the water, a few feet away, a small ripple spiraled outward. I wondered if maybe, just maybe, Warren had come for his letter.
After a few moments of sitting by the water’s edge, Annie opened the dirty, torn, practically-falling-apart toy store shopping bag. She proceeded to pull out a big, square box, which had a picture of a raft in the shape of a tropical island, complete with a gigantic palm tree sticking out one of its sides. Across the top of the box it read: Beach Fun Inflatable Island.
I took a few steps closer to Annie as she ripped off the sides of the box and slid the large, bright yellow, green, and brown raft out onto the ground. She grabbed hold of one side and spread out the thick plastic.
I looked at the picture on the box and then at the raft. “Is that really in the shape of an island?”
“Don’t even get me started,” Mervin said.
Annie reached back into the bag and pulled out the two yellow plastic oars. “There wasn’t much of a selection. It was either this or the shape of a school bus. I thought the island had more leg room.”
Annie reached in one more time and pulled out an air pump. She cracked open a battery packet, slid them into the back of the pump, and hooked it up to the nozzle on the side of the palm tree.
The motor to the pump made a low humming sound as it slowly filled the raft with air. I watched as the island took shape and the palm tree extended high up into the air. Four dark blue back pillows popped into place.
“See, comfort,” Annie boasted.
When the raft was fully inflated, Annie stopped the pump and quickly closed the valve. She got up and stood next to me and Mervin. Not only did it look like an island, but it was about as big as one too.
“That’s a lot of raft,” I said.
“A whole lot of raft,” Mervin echoed.
Annie totally ignored the sarcasm in both our voices and walked back over to the shopping bag. She pulled out three peach iced teas and a bag of six cinnamon sugar pretzels from Pretzel World.
“Who picked out the peach iced tea?” I asked.
“I did,” Mervin said. “It seemed adventurous.”
My stomach started to growl. I peeked into the pretzel bag Annie was holding. “Maybe we should split one now, you know, for energy so we can paddle?”
Annie nodded approvingly. “Always thinking, Roberta, always thinking…”
She opened the bag and took out a delicious-looking pretzel perfectly dusted in flecks of cinnamon and sugar. Annie split the pretzel into three equal parts. Surprisingly it was still a little warm.
The three of us stood, side by side, looking out across the water, each savoring our one-third of the pretzel. The sugar and cinnamon were deliciously sweet, and the dough melted in my mouth. It was the best pretzel I ever had.
Sometimes adults would say things like, “I just had the best meal ever.” Letting the pretzel slide down my throat, I looked over at Mervin and Annie doing the same, and I realized that what made it the “best” wasn’t really the food at all. It was the company.
I made a mental note. Next time I was told by someone they had experienced the most amazing food ever, I would remember to ask who they were with and what they were doing before I asked what they were eating.
The Reservoir
5:06 p.m.
Mervin and I got on either side of the inflated tropical island and pushed the front of it into the water. I placed the peach iced teas inside the raft, and Annie placed the pretzel bag next to the drinks.
Up ahead in the sky, I saw that there were a few dark clouds forming. I was about to point them out when I looked over at Mervin neatly arranging the provisions. He had come so far, I didn’t want to do or say anything that might upset him. I decided to just keep the “dark cloud” information to myself.
“Looks like we’re ready to roll,” I said.
“Hold up, one sec.” Annie pulled out her iPhone from her pocket. “I want to take a picture before we go.”
Mervin and I agreed. I stood in the middle, Mervin to my left and Annie to my right.
Annie put her phone into camera mode and, with her arm outstretched, held it in front of us. “When I say destiny, make any kind of face you want, but don’t say what you’re doing. I’ll download it to my computer and print out copies later, okay?”
“Sure,” I said.
“Sounds good,” Mervin said.
We all leaned in really close so that our faces were touching and Annie said, “Destiny!”
CLICK.
She dropped her hand and immediately shut her phone close
d. I wondered what kind of faces they made. For some reason, at the very last second, I decided to close my eyes and I didn’t even smile. Like I was sharing this moment with them, but at the same time this moment was all for me. For some reason, that just felt right.
Annie hopped into the raft.
“Who wants to row?” I asked.
Nobody answered.
“There are only two oars, so two of us have to row and one of us, I don’t know…has to be the captain.”
Still nobody answered.
I sighed. “Okay, I’ll row. Which one of you wants to row with me?”
“Well,” Annie said, “I just think I should be captain since I’ve essentially been the leader of this voyage since the beginning.”
“You know, Annie, it’s like you become likable and then in an instant unlikable. It really is amazing. I will row with you, Roberta,” Mervin said.
I passed an oar to Mervin. “Annie, scootch more to the front, next to the palm tree. Mervin and I should be on either side.”
Annie moved closer to the palm tree, and I held the raft steady so that Mervin could get in.
“Mervin, stick your oar in the dirt, like an anchor,” I said.
He put the tip of his oar into the mud while I jumped in.
I moved to the side of the raft across from Mervin. “Now, when I say go, push really hard with your oar to get us in the water and then start paddling—”
“Roberta, I thought I was the captain of this ship?” Annie asked.
“You are.”
“Good, then I’ll be giving the orders. Mervin, when I say go, push really hard and then start paddling.”
“Unlikable, Annie,” Mervin said.
“Go!” she screamed.
Mervin and I pushed with all our might. We scraped over a few rocks, but then the raft glided effortlessly into the water.
“Paddle!” Annie commanded.
Mervin and I paddled as hard as we could. For both of us being extraordinarily unathletic, I have to say, we gave it our all. Water splashed into the raft, flicking me in my face and across my arms. My oar sliced through the water like a sharp scissor cutting through loose-leaf paper. I was amazed how fast we were moving. Also, a slight breeze in the right direction helped us along our way. Inch by inch, we managed to creep a good distance away from land.
Annie perched up a bit on her knees. “Let’s stop here. This is where I want to be. It’s just right.”
And it really was. Just right. Mervin and I pulled the oars into the raft. Annie cracked open the peach iced teas and handed one to me and one to Mervin. Then she doled out three more delicious cinnamon sugar pretzels. The sun was just warm enough to feel like a cozy blanket right out of the dryer. We relaxed back, under the shade of the rubber palm tree, sipping on cool iced tea, and filling our bellies with gooey goodness.
I looked around to take in exactly where we were. I wanted to make sure I could remember all of this when I tried to later. One would think being in this huge body of water while sitting on an inflatable toy raft in the shape of a tropical island would feel incredibly unsafe. But the funny thing was I felt safer here than I did back on land.
“What time is it?” I asked.
Annie took out her iPhone. “It’s exactly 5:14. Why?”
“Because the second late bus doesn’t leave ’til 6:15. So we’ve got plenty of time.” I relaxed back into my air pillow.
Annie put her phone back in her pocket and dangled her hand over the side of the raft, flicking the water with her fingertips. The raft gently bobbed up and down to the movement of the gentle breeze.
Mervin stretched out his legs and propped the back of his head up with his hands. “This is very relaxing. I almost feel like I’m on a cruise. And my back isn’t even hurting.”
I smiled. “Hey, Mervin, I think it was really great what you did, not giving up and all.”
“Yeah, way to step up,” Annie said.
Mervin blushed. “Thanks.”
Annie reached over the edge and looked into the water. “How deep do you think this is?”
I peered over the side. “I don’t know. It looks pretty deep to me.”
Annie leaned back into the raft. “I wonder how Warren did it, you know? It’s like, how do you drown yourself?”
“I think drowning or a shark attack or burning in a fire are the worst ways to go.” Mervin thought about it for a second. “And being stabbed and being shot. Those are pretty bad, too.”
Annie was in her own world, not even listening to Mervin. “And they found him naked. That’s just so, I don’t know…horrible.”
I thought about my cousin John and my uncle having to be the one to find him. “Yeah,” I said, “there’s definitely something about him being naked that makes the whole thing even worse.”
“Why do you think?” Mervin asked.
I recapped my peach iced tea. “I guess it feels…” I was trying to find the right word. “Vulnerable? Like he was trying to peel off his skin or something.”
“Do you ever think about it?” Annie blurted out.
“Think about what?” I said.
“Dying,” Annie replied. “Killing yourself.”
A creepy silence swept over us. The top of the palm tree swayed with a heavy breeze.
“I do,” Mervin finally answered.
“Me too,” Annie admitted.
They both looked at me.
“Yeah.” My skin instantly grew hot from telling the truth. And I quietly wondered if this was why we had come here today. If this was the reason all three of us were sitting in a raft in the middle of a reservoir. Because we all felt that sometimes thinking about dying was easier than thinking about living.
The three of us looked at each other, somewhat surprised and somewhat relieved. Here we were. Three completely different kids and yet, we were very much the same.
“Why do you guys, you know, think about it?” I finally asked.
Mervin shrugged. “There are a lot of reasons, I guess.”
“Tell us one,” Annie said.
“Why, so you can make fun of me?”
Annie looked hurt by Mervin’s accusation. “No. This is serious. I would never make fun of you for that. I really want to know.”
The raft had started to diagonally drift a bit, heading toward the middle of the reservoir.
Mervin sat up and crossed his legs. “Fine, okay. Here’s one, an obvious one—my dad.”
Annie nodded like she understood.
“What about your dad?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, Roberta, you don’t have the distinct pleasure of knowing him. But it’s like he completely ignores me and treats me like I don’t even exist. And most of the time, I wish I could just disappear because I don’t blame him…I don’t. I mean, look at me; I’m not what he wanted.” Mervin recapped his iced tea bottle and let it roll to the middle of the raft.
I was genuinely confused because I couldn’t conceive of a father not wanting his own son. “If he didn’t want you, then who do you think he wanted?”
“Someone more like him.” Mervin rubbed his eyes under his glasses.
“Yeah,” Annie said. “His father’s all sorts of a jerkwad. Always serious, never smiles kind of guy.”
Mervin leaned forward, playing with his shoelaces. “There was this one time, when I was seven…he took me out to our backyard to teach me how to play baseball. I can remember standing there thinking how desperately I wanted to be able to do this one thing because I knew it would make him happy…so he threw the ball at me and I tried to catch the damn thing, I really did, but somehow it hit my face and my forehead split open. See.” Mervin pointed to a thin scar close to his hairline that I hadn’t even noticed before. “My mom insisted we go to the emergency room for stitches, and I remember being in the backseat of our car; my dad was driving, and I was holding a towel to my forehead to stop the blood from pouring into my eye. I glanced up at the rearview mirror and…” Mervin paused and tugged at his s
hoelace before he continued. “And I saw him looking at me. It was the way he was looking at me. That’s when I knew.”
“Knew what?” I asked.
“That he hated me.”
We all became very quiet. A breeze knocked some water against the sides of the raft. How could someone as kind and funny and loveable as Mervin be hated by anyone? Let alone his dad. I sat with the feeling that we never really know what other people’s lives are like.
What hurt they may be experiencing.
Or what pain they already know.
Coming up for Air
5:20 p.m.
Annie, trying to lighten the mood, finally broke the silence. “His mom’s a twat-head, too.”
“Shut up, Annie…no, she’s not.” Mervin was smiling again.
“What’s your mom like?” I asked, trying to keep the good mood going.
Mervin shrugged. “She’s an orthodontist.” Mervin smiled and pointed to his braces. “Straight teeth.”
Annie laughed. “Tell Roberta the story about the, incident…”
Mervin shook his head. “No!”
“Oh, come on, it’s funny,” she pressed.
“No, it’s not funny, it’s traumatic.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I offered.
Our tropical island raft had been drifting closer and closer toward the middle of the reservoir. Even though it was really pleasant and warm out, I could still see those dark clouds in the sky moving toward us. I wondered if Annie and Mervin had seen them as well.
“Come on, Mervin! Tell the story,” Annie said. “Your mom is an orthodontist and…”
“Oh, God…fine, I will be your comic relief. My mom is an orthodontist and she can get prescriptions and stuff.”
“What’s so funny about that?” I asked.
“Oh, you just wait,” Annie chimed in.
“In May, my rabbi hosts this spring dance for all the youth of our temple. It’s held in the basement, and they get this ridiculous DJ that screams at you if you’re not dancing, and then we all eat cake in the shape of the Torah while being lectured about marrying into our own religion. You know, stuff like that. I managed to beg and plead my way out of going the year before, but this year, my mom forced me to go with this girl Erica. Her mom and my mom share an office together.”