Piper let out a long sigh, scraping at the last bit of coffee grounds from the bottom of her cup. “Well, it is what it is, A. We’ve just got to figure out what to do about it.”
What were we going to do? Out of habit, my hand went to where my moonstone necklace usually rested. With the jewelry’s long chain, that location was at the midpoint of my waist. My fingers came up empty, reminding me the keepsake was no longer there to bring me comfort.
Piper, eyeing my motion over her clinking, grabbed my hand. “It’s okay, A. We’ll get it fixed. Why don’t you try searching for some options for our schedule? That’ll take your mind off things.” She smiled.
When Piper wasn’t wrapped up in the chaos of life, she always knew just what to say to ease my anxious tendencies.
Taking her advice, I whipped out my laptop from my messenger bag and attempted to do a little damage control. The familiar sounds of clicking and the whirl of a tired computer fan filled the air with its music. The stupid thing booted up about as fast as it took the Egyptians to build the pyramids.
That was one bad thing about being on my own: having to be completely reliant on financial aid. Between my school expenses, rent, and gas, there never seemed to be much left over for keeping up with the latest technology. I guessed I could always borrow Piper’s if mine decided to crap-out entirely. Her parents practically shipped her a new one every other week. “A fine replacement for their love,” she said.
I clicked on my favorites icon and the familiar school website materialized on my thirteen-inch screen. It really astounded me sometimes how overly complicated and ridiculous the school website was. I mean, did I really need to know about the elevator repair going on in the student union, or an up-to-minute account of the weather, as if it was a play-by-play of the World Series? Sometimes I felt like I needed a map and a decoder pin just to figure out where the class registration button was on the damn page.
I clicked around a bit and found some potential options for us. “Looks like there are a couple of spots open in Earth Science 419.” The class wasn’t my first choice, but it was a science elective we both still needed. Come to think of it, Zoology, the class we were currently in, wasn’t my first choice, either. But Piper and I both thought it’d be interesting to take, so we figured why not.
Piper pulled out her polka-dot compact and applied her signature, deep purple eye shadow. Now didn’t seem like the time for this, but Piper always believed she needed to be date-ready for whoever would be vying for her attention that day. After a few seconds of this, she met my annoyed gaze as I waited very impatiently for a response.
“Who’s teaching it?” she asked, cleaning up the lines of her lids.
“Looks like … Alfred Pondensky.”
She froze. “Ohhh, no, no, no. He smells like cheese, and he always gives me that look.”
Oh, God, really with this? “What ‘look’ would that be?” I widened my eyes and opened my mouth, imitating the face she made in her mirror.
Piper smacked my arm, hitting my elbow off the table. I tried to contain my smirk.
“Stop being a brat, and you know what I mean. The look. The one professors give you when they’re thinking about what they have at home and realizing you’re something they’ll never, ever have. It’s like they’re constipated, or something.” The way she crossed her eyes made her look like a pregnant woman rounding her twentieth hour of labor.
I couldn’t really say I’d ever seen that look. And envisioning it on Pondensky, with his leathery skin and paper thin lips, made me just about vomit what I’d eaten of my brownie.
“The female professors do it, too,” she continued, pointing her eye-shadow wand at me. “Except, with them, it’s because when they’re looking at you, they’re thinking about what they looked at in the mirror that morning, and realizing you’re something they’ll never be again. That’s assuming they ever looked like us in the first place, a million years ago.”
She continued to apply her makeup, indulging in a pouty face.
“Ugh, you’re so full of crap, sometimes. As hard as it may be to believe, not everyone wants you, or wants to be you.” I knew this wasn’t really true, though. Piper was pretty much a bombshell. Standing at five-foot-nine, she weighed maybe a buck-twenty when soaking wet, and had a half-rock star, half-supermodel look going on that made guys ready to drop their pants a second after laying eyes on her. But I wasn’t about to tell her that. And she could at least be a little more humble about her allure around those of us who weren’t so fortunate.
I brushed off her comment and continued my research. “How about Astronomy 395 with Helen Wright?”
“I’m not really into those signs and stuff. I believe people should just live their lives and not be bound by those kinds of generic labels.” She put away her compact, giving me her full attention.
I forced myself to swallow my laughter as I clicked out of that class and into another one. “I guess that would be a no, then, and I do believe you were referring to astrology, not astronomy. You know? The study of the universe?” Piper wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box, and boy did I get a laugh at her expense sometimes.
Piper frowned as she analyzed my statement, and then shrugged.
“Whatever. Guys don’t care how smart a girl is when she has other, more … attractive qualities.” She batted her eyelashes; her grin was slyer than a fox.
I rolled my eyes. She was referring to sex, of course. She always was. We were in college, I got that, but the girl was seriously obsessed with men—several at a time most of the time. I was no angel, by any means—again, we were in college—but at least I could safely say my few notches had been while in committed relationships. I never believed that kind of thing should be jumped into lightly, especially if there weren’t any real feelings involved. But Piper was a big girl. To each her own, I guess.
Piper grabbed her cup and stood. “Okay, Miss Prude, I’m going to get a refill. Do you want anything?”
I ignored her jab—voicing my irritation would only make it worse. “No, I’m good.”
She shrugged and exited toward the counter.
I continued my search, but it was becoming increasingly apparent that there weren’t any other options if we wanted to stay together. I guess Piper would just have to put up with Pondensky’s looks.
A familiar smell invaded my nostrils, accompanied by an obnoxious clacking of heels.
“Well, well, well … If it isn’t Ariel Richmond,” a simpering voice said.
Ah, now I recognized the smell … eau de bitch.
I snapped my laptop closed and forced myself to look up at my nemesis. There she stood, with her Louis Vuitton bag on her shoulder, string-bean lips, short, panty-revealing dress, and a skinny frame with so many bones exposed one would have thought she was a walking advertisement for anorexia. Who knew so much evil could be jam-packed under makeup?
Sitting straight up, I spoke to her in the nicest voice I could muster—which wasn’t very nice at all, but really, trying to be civil to the inhuman seemed like a pointless venture.
“Hi, Lila. How goes it?”
Lila lowered herself onto a seat at our table and crossed her freshly Naired legs, making sure I saw the Fendi label stamped on the bottom of her shoe.
“Oh, nothing much. I just came to get an espresso and maybe a scone, but judging by the spread you have there, I’d guess they’re all cleaned out of freshly baked goods today.”
Oh, wow, a jab at my weight; weight I hadn’t even carried around since freshman year, thank you very much. But the stuck up she-devil couldn’t resist reminding me about it—how original.
“Very nice, Lila. Did you think that one up all by yourself, or did one of the professors who gives you special tutoring help out with your creative genius?” A sick sense of pleasure filled me when I saw her jaw clench, showing I’d struck a nerve. This was immature, perhaps, but I couldn’t help myself. The girl drove me insane.
She pursed her lips, then quickly sc
hooled her features, speaking in her annoying, squeaky voice. “Now, now … there’s no need to get vicious. I just came over for some friendly banter.”
That was highly unlikely. Lila Nix always had an ulterior motive. She wouldn’t have thought to waste her precious air on the likes of me, unless she had something cooked up in that puny brain of hers.
She pushed a loose strand of her blonde locks behind her ear in annoyance, probably offended the hair had the audacity to fall out of place. “Actually, I came to offer my condolences about the upcoming art showcase.”
Ugh! The shrillness of her voice made me want to take a two-by-four to my head. Wait … what about the showcase?
“Condolences for what?” I asked stiffly, trying not to show her how much I was freaking out inside. I wanted to be in that show more than I wanted my next breath, and she knew it. But they weren’t supposed to be picking students for another month or so! They hadn’t changed their policy, had they? Oh, God, I hoped not.
Her smug grin widened. “Well, nothing’s for sure, yet, but you may as well give up now. Professor Frankton has been absolutely raving about my collection. She tutored me over the summer, you know, helping me expand my work, and kept going on and on about my artistic promise. I practically have this one in the bag.”
I highly doubted that, considering Professor Frankton had indicated on more than one occasion she found Lila even more annoying than I did. Still, it wasn’t personality that landed one in the upperclassmen showcase, it was talent. And as much as I hated to admit it, she actually had some. Then again, so did I, and I’d be damned if her work was chosen over mine.
Her smile was full of faux sympathy. “But no hard feelings, huh? There’s always next year, and I’d be totally willing to mentor you, if you’d like.”
“Thanks for the offer, but, to be perfectly honest, I’d rather lick a cow’s ass.”
She tsked. “Does every word that comes out of your mouth have to be dripping with negativity?”
She rose to a stand, grabbing her purse off the table in a huff. “And here I came to offer my help on your pathetic work.”
And the Oscar goes to ….
“Speaking of negativity, where’s the ever-so-pleasant Piper Lovelace? Usually I’m hit with an award winning number of personal attacks by now.”
“Lika Dicks!” Piper said, arriving right on cue. “How’s my favorite bimbo today?”
She put her coffee cup on the table and took her seat, smiling up at Lila. “Actually, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to let you know that if you need any help with that student organization booth during Welcome Week, I would be happy to be of service.”
I raised a brow. The only service Piper had ever performed was community, and that had been for breaking into the campus pool to go skinny-dipping with some guy. She had to be setting Lila up for something.
Lila’s expression showed she had the same suspicions. “Really?”
“Absolutely,” Piper said, nodding.
She looked so genuine I found myself wondering if she really was considering helping.
“Okay, great.” Lila took a pen and notebook from her Louis Vuitton bag. “Which booth would you like to help with? Are you interested in the Republican Leading Ladies or the Chicks of Future America?”
Piper took a long sip of her coffee as she seemed to give the question honest consideration. She put down her cup casually, then added cream, scraping her spoon on the bottom of the cup with every stir. Taking a napkin off the table, she made sure every drop of liquid was completely removed from her spoon. After she was done, she folded up the dirty napkin and placed the utensil meticulously in its center.
If she went to all this trouble, she must be brewing up something special. I drew in closer as to not miss a beat.
“Oh, just put me wherever you need me. Except your booth, of course, because The Blowjob Student Union is a one-woman show, right? I truly admire how you’ve worked so tirelessly to make sure every guy on campus benefits from your services. It’s all about uniting the community, right?” Piper beamed.
I hacked a breath, almost choking on the piece of brownie in my mouth. I couldn’t have been prouder to have this girl as my best friend.
Lila snapped her notebook shut and thrust out her chin. “Okay, I’m outta here.”
“Wait a sec, Lila,” I said, trying to minimize my laughter. “Did you get the letter about our schedule change?” One unfortunate thing about being an art major alongside Lila Nix was we shared the same classes pretty often. We both happened to be buying our textbooks books at the same time last week and were rudely awakened to yet another schedule similarity. And the odds of us both choosing Zoology for our science elective … ? Slim to none. But, of course, we managed to do it. It was like the universe had it out for us.
She glowered down at me. “I did. What of it?”
“Are you staying in Professor James’ class?”
“I don’t see how that concerns you, but I’m taking a class with Pondensky, instead.” She spun around, her platinum extensions whirling as she left. Her black and tan checkered scarf barely cleared the door as she exited.
Piper laughed into her coffee, looking at me expectantly. “Come on, say it.”
I may have made it a point not to stroke her already huge ego, but I was woman enough to give credit where credit was due.
“You are a rock star.” I gave her a light round of applause. “You had me going there for a second. I honestly couldn’t tell if you were being serious or not.”
Piper made a face. “Me at Welcome Week? They should be so lucky.” She looked at the door Lila just exited through. “You know, I should have a t-shirt made for her: The Blowjob Student Union – A Plastic Army of One.”
I laughed. “You do that, and I’ll deliver it personally.” I shook her hand.
“It’s a deal. So about our schedule ….”
“I think we’ve already got the answer to that. We’re staying in Zoology.” Sure, I’d have haul ass across campus to make it to my next lecture every day, but the trek was worth it to avoid Lila Nix.
“Works for me.” Piper scratched her chin. “Hmm, I wonder where I can get a t-shirt made?”
I was about to suggest the campus print shop, but I was distracted by a sudden prickling sensation I felt on the back of my scalp. I rubbed the back of my head and turned to scan the café, but nothing struck me as out of the ordinary. Shrugging it off, I tried to focus on what Piper was saying, but the feeling that we were just being watched wouldn’t go away.
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