by Ryan Casey
I didn’t like what I was implying. It didn’t sit right with me.
But I guess that was the new world now.
I started walking, Olivia, Kesha, and Bouncer beside me, and I hoped I’d never have to reach that point.
The point where we’d have to deal with Andy.
The time for games was over.
Chapter Twenty-Three
It was later that night, when we lay under the stars trying our best not to freeze our arses off, that I finally found out about Kesha’s past.
It was dark, but the stars illuminated the sky above like those glow-in-the-dark shapes you can stick on your ceiling. Olivia used to have some of those in her bedroom. I wondered if she looked up at the stars and thought the same thing. If it provided her with any comfort, being so far away from home, in such different circumstances to the ones she was used to.
She was a good kid. She’d done so well to make it this far.
And I was going to do everything I could to make this journey back to Andy’s camp—to the place where Kerry was living—as smooth and seamless as possible for her.
I felt a breeze brush against me, and it made me shake. Olivia pressed up against me even tighter. It must’ve been instinctive because I could hear her snoring gently. That reassured me. At least in her dreams, she could have some peace.
Kesha was at my other side. I couldn’t hear her snoring. In fact, I could feel her twitching, which told me all I needed to know about how well she was sleeping.
I reached my hand out. Touched the back of hers.
Then I eased around so I was looking her in the eye, being careful not to wake Olivia in the process. Or Bouncer, who was at my feet.
Andy… he was a few metres away from us. But that’s part of why I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to take my attention away from him for any longer than a few seconds. I still didn’t trust him.
The man had been shifty as it was.
But he was also the man who knew where my wife was.
For that reason, I had no choice but to follow his lead.
Reluctantly.
“Can’t sleep?” I asked, as I looked into Kesha’s heavy eyes.
She raised her eyebrows. I could lightly make out her features in the starlight. “Something like that,” she whispered.
“I’ve been thinking.”
“Makes a change.”
I ignored her quip. “About… about this world. About how we have to be to survive in it, now. And I can see where I’ve gone wrong. I know I’ve been holding the wool over my own eyes for a long time. But it’s just…”
“Hard,” Kesha finished.
I sighed, and held Kesha’s hand. “Yeah. It’s hard.”
“You’re a good dad. No doubt you were a good husband, too.”
I chuckled a little. “That’s not entirely true.”
“But what you have to remember is that you are still yourself. Even if you have to do things you aren’t proud of. Even if you have to do savage things to survive. You are still yourself, Will. That doesn’t just go away, that sense of who you are. We aren’t our actions.”
I heard Kesha’s words loud and clear, even though she only whispered them. Suppose I could say they spoke to me. But there were still things I was on the fence about. “If we aren’t our actions, then what are we?”
Kesha opened her mouth as if to answer. Then she closed it. I could see, in the dim light, that glazed expression once again. The one I’d seen when we’d buried the boys.
“What happened?” I asked.
Kesha looked at me like I’d caught her by surprise. “What do you mean?”
“I saw the way you looked at those kids. The ones we buried back before we were ambushed. And you don’t have to tell me. But sometimes… sometimes it helps. To talk.”
Kesha shook her head, but I could tell her defences were crumbling.
She sighed a long exhale. “I was driving to work one day,” she said, the words falling like rain from her lips. “I was running late. I’d already been late a few times. Traffic issues. Anyway, I was ruffling a few feathers with the manager. Basically he was pissed his son missed out on a promotion that I ended up getting. Figure he was just trying to get any dirt on me he could. So I couldn’t be late. I had to be there on time.
“I was driving a little quickly, I have to admit it. Over the speed limit, but it was on a wide road anyway, and people sped on there all the time. I felt my phone ringing, and I knew it was probably the boss. So I took it out. I answered it. And then…”
Kesha went quiet. She closed her eyes. Like the story she’d held inside her—repressed for so long—was begging not to be told.
“And then?” I asked.
“And then I saw two boys. Two boys stepping out into the road after their football. They mustn’t have seen me. And I only saw them at the last second. And then…”
She didn’t have to continue. I knew what had happened.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“You shouldn’t be,” Kesha said. “It was my fault. I nearly went down for murder. In the end, the blackout saved me. But I feel like it shouldn’t have. I still feel like there’s justice to be done. And that one day, I’ll finally be able to pay for what I did. Because that’s what should happen.”
I let Kesha cry and I put my arms around her. I pulled her close to my chest.
“You can’t let it eat you up,” I said.
“How can you—”
“You said it yourself. We are not our actions. And I know what you mean by that now. Sometimes we do things. Make mistakes. Make tough calls. But as long as we hold on to who we are, deep down, even when it’s the most uncomfortable thing possible. As long as we hold on, we can be anybody we want to be.”
We did hold on. Held right on to each other, as the stars shimmered above us, as we all transferred our warmth to one another.
We didn’t see Andy get up when we weren’t looking, and creep off into the woods.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Once Andy was far enough away from the others to ensure he wasn’t going to draw any attention to himself, he ran as quickly as he could into the woods.
It might’ve been dark, but he was used to running in the darkness. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to run away from someone when he worried he was under threat. Severe threat.
But this was a different kind of threat he was running from this time.
This time, Andy was running away from the truth.
The truth about what he knew.
About what he’d done.
He stopped and placed his hands on his knees. He gasped for air as the horror—the reality—of everything built up around him. He’d been in the wrong. Wrong to try and use Will and Kesha to get revenge on the cannibal bastards. Wrong to say what he’d said in order to win them over.
He’d made a mistake. He’d seen an opportunity and he’d taken it.
But the lies were building up.
They were getting the better of him.
And no matter how much he’d tried to talk down the idea of Kerry’s survival to Will, he still just didn’t seem to be giving up hope.
Andy closed his eyes as he faced that reality. The reality of what really happened two months ago.
He hadn’t told Will everything.
He’d been partly honest with him. He knew Kerry. They’d got close. And Andy really did get captured by Danny’s people when he was out on a scouting mission.
But he hadn’t told Will that Kerry had been with the group who’d been captured that day, too.
He felt sick creeping up his throat when he remembered it, piece by piece, all slotting back in its horrifying, sickening reality.
The nights they’d spent locked away in that house together. Because that’s what it was. A house. Not a cabin. Not a little woodshed.
A house.
And that house was right in the middle of the camp Andy was leading Will and Kesha to.
He shook his head
as the guilt grew inside him. He’d not lied when he said he had a camp in Carlisle. He was right about that. But it wasn’t big. It wasn’t thriving. And it didn’t even exist anymore.
Way, way before Carlisle, they’d reach another camp. A small village.
Only that village had been taken over.
Taken over by the cannibals.
Taken by Danny.
He hadn’t lied when he said Danny could get from A to B really quickly, too. They had vehicles. Vehicles that’d withstood the EMP blasts. Andy didn’t know exactly how that could be the case, but the fact of the matter stood. Those vehicles were in the worst hands possible.
And Andy knew that by fleeing Heathlock and keeping Danny alive, Danny wouldn’t just give up.
He shook his head even more as the taste of vomit turned into actual vomit. He threw up, right on the ground beneath him. His body shook. He swore he heard movement coming his way, but he knew he was probably just being paranoid. He’d made sure to break for it when Will and Kesha were sleeping. Olivia and Bouncer were out cold, too.
He felt guilty. Guilty for leaving them like that.
But he had to be honest. It was the kindest thing, even if they didn’t understand it yet.
If they’d followed him, he’d have led them right towards the village that Danny’s people ran.
He might’ve encouraged Will and Kesha to take out a few extra people, to get their revenge, all in the name of saving Will’s wife.
But they would’ve died. Because there was no intercepting the village. There was no defeating Danny’s people.
It was a suicide mission. A revenge suicide mission.
For what Danny made Andy do.
Andy started walking now he’d stopped vomiting, but he felt like he’d been transported back in time, back to the early days. He remembered finding a group, which Kerry was a part of, and settled with her. They’d moved up the country together.
Only Danny found him.
And when he did, he’d locked Andy away.
And he’d locked Kerry away, too.
It was the third night of captivity when Danny came for Kerry.
Andy remembered kicking out and screaming. He remembered trying to pull her back, desperate not to let go.
But above anything, he remembered that look on her face.
That calmness, that acceptance, as Danny took her towards the door.
He remembered the last glance they’d had.
That last moment of intimacy they’d shared together.
Then the door slammed shut and Kerry was gone.
Only she wasn’t gone. Not really. Of course she wasn’t gone.
He’d heard the laughter of Danny’s people. He’d heard the yelps of pain.
And he’d smelled her as she cooked.
Andy stopped and threw up again at the memory.
It was another seven days, well after he’d last seen Kerry leave that door, that Danny walked through.
Andy was starving. He was delirious. He could’ve eaten anything.
He’d taken the sloppy meat that Danny shoved into his mouth. He hadn’t wanted to eat it, to swallow it, but he had.
Then he’d started choking.
He coughed. Kept on coughing.
And when he spat out the hard object he’d choked on, he realised exactly what he’d just eaten.
Kerry’s necklace—her locket—lay in a pool of bloody, meaty vomit beneath him.
Danny stood above him, smiling.
Then he turned around and walked away, leaving Andy to lose his mind some more.
He looked back, tears rolling down his cheeks. He thought of Will. Kesha. Olivia. They were good people. And he’d been wrong to try and draw them into his war. His revenge mission. He’d been wrong to use Kerry as a tool to get Will’s help. As bait.
But now he’d done the right thing.
Finally, he’d done the right thing.
He threw up again and he wiped his eyes.
Then, he kept on walking, gun in hand.
If he had to get his revenge alone, then he’d get it alone.
And nobody was going to stop him.
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Shit. Shitting shit. I knew this was going to happen. I shitting knew it.”
“Will, you need to pull yourself—”
“Don’t tell me to pull myself together. Don’t you dare tell me to pull myself together.”
“Dad, please.”
“And don’t you start, Olivia. Don’t you start with this now.”
Kesha squared up to me. “That’s your daughter you’re talking to. Now snap out of this, Will. Snap out of it for all our sakes.”
It started when I woke up. Truth be told, I hadn’t been planning on falling asleep. I’d tried to keep my eyes wedged open for as long as I could. Especially after the incident with Andy and his gun. My suspicion radar was flashing at full intensity.
But I’d fallen asleep. Like an absolute idiot, I’d allowed myself to fall to sleep.
And now Andy was gone.
It was rainy, but there was a stuffiness to the air that was uncharacteristic of this time of year. Or maybe it wasn’t really that stuffy. Maybe I was just so agitated that it seemed that way.
“We need to sit down.”
“We don’t have time to sit down,” I said.
“We at least need to figure out how we’re going to—”
“I’ll tell you how we’re going to go about things. We’re going to go after Andy and the moment I find him, I’m going to beat the truth out of that bastard.”
I saw the horror in Olivia’s eyes when I said those words. And to be honest, I felt pretty horrified myself. But I was done with playing around.
I’d made the decision last night, when I stared up at the stars, to accept that I hadn’t been strong enough to survive the new world. That I needed to face up to reality if I ever wanted to be reunited with Kerry. And that sometimes, facing up to reality meant doing things I wasn’t proud of. Doing things that’d stick with me for the rest of my life.
I didn’t want to let the horrors of the outside world creep into my life.
But I was outside now. So by extension, I was a part of this world.
That’s just how it was.
I crouched down opposite Olivia and held her hands. But I could see the uncertainty in her eyes as I wrapped my warm, shaky fingers around hers.
“Olivia, I’m sorry.”
“I don’t like you when you’re like this.”
“And I won’t be like this. Not forever. But if we’re going to find Mum, I might have to… I might say and do some bad things.”
“This isn’t part of changing for the better, Will.”
I heard Kesha’s voice behind me. I looked back. “I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you wanted me to be tough.”
“There’s tough, and then there’s reckless. And right now you’re acting recklessly.”
“The man who knows where my wife is did a runner in the night. So excuse me for acting recklessly.”
“He did a runner. Sure. Which means he’s hiding something. But the facts still stand. The guy had Kerry’s necklace. He knew things about the pair of you. Things that mean they have to have known each other, at least. He was right about the cannibals, about Danny. So there are some things he was telling the truth about.”
I brushed my hair back. I knew Kesha was right. “He’s done a runner. He could be lying about… about what really happened.”
“He’s done a runner for a reason,” Kesha said. “Hell, he might’ve just seen something and got scared. Or gone out to get something.”
I looked at her and tilted my head. “What kind of an idiot do you take me for?”
“A reckless one. Now come on. We need to at least go on what we’ve got.”
“Which is?”
Kesha looked around the place where Andy had slept. She crouched down, brushed the damp soil, which was indented. “There’s footsteps.”
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“That’s a start. But he could be miles away.”
“You’re right. But they’re heading in the direction we were going towards. And he told us where that was. Carlisle. Right?”
I nodded, as the fragmented pieces of jigsaw started to align a little more clearly in my mind. “So we keep on going.”
“What choice do we have?” Kesha said.
She walked over to me. Looked right into my eyes. She had a way of getting through to me like no one else. Well, one person else. Kerry.
“Andy’s not been forthright with us. But he has saved our lives. On more than one occasion. He took us this far. We can’t pretend to understand everything going on in his head. We can’t know everything he’s plagued with. All we can do is work with what we’ve got. And what we’ve got is a location. Carlisle. Which is where we go.”
I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. Olivia cuddled Bouncer. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept so well, even though I’d heard her snoring away.
“Why do you persevere?” I asked.
I wasn’t sure where the words came from. Probably that deep, instinctive place inside that every true gut feeling came from.
But when I said it, I kind of regretted it.
Kesha’s eyes narrowed. “Why do I…”
“Persevere,” I said, realising I wasn’t going to have much luck backing out of this one. “With me. With what I’m trying to get to. Because you know what I’m after. Who I’m looking for.”
I felt like a dick after saying that. If anyone has a shovel, throw it my way right this second. Because I might not have said it outright, but I was being pretty clear.
I was telling Kesha that I was searching for Kerry because I still had feelings for her. Strong feelings.
“Look,” Kesha said, stepping closer to me so her voice was barely above a whisper. “I’m not gonna lie. I like what we have. But you said it yourself, Will. It’s never going to last.”
“I like what we have too—”
“We’ll be good friends. In spite of everything that’s happened. And that’s how it’ll be for us. Sometimes the stars just don’t align in the right way. Maybe if we’d met in a different place at a different time, who knows?”