by May Burnett
“You deserve an honest answer,” Anthea said hesitantly at last. “I want to say yes, very much, but there is something – maybe you will change your own mind.” She took a few deep breaths. “It is not easy to talk about,” she continued miserably. “Cherry explained to me what married men and women do together – what Silas claimed we had already done, though it was not true.”
Ah. So that was the source of her hesitation. Her innocence, and the precepts and prejudices of her mother, were placing mental and emotional barriers in their way. It was indeed a crucial matter to resolve if they were to have any hope of a happy union.
“I think I see,” he said carefully. “Is the thought of doing those things distressing to you? And if so, in general or with me particularly?”
“When I first heard about it,” she confessed, “the very idea was repulsive. But part of that was that I imagined doing it with Silas. He tried to kiss me a certain way and I did not like that at all.”
“Then he was not doing it right. Or more likely, your body knew before your mind that he was not right for you. The actions in which married people indulge are a beautiful and pleasurable part of marriage for most healthy people who like each other. But a great deal depends on first impressions, and the man’s degree of skill.”
“That’s what Cherry also said. Are you –“
“Let’s try a small experiment,” he said, and slowly, carefully placed his mouth on hers, not touching in any other way. Her lips were warm and moist under his. He did not attempt to go any further. “Was that unpleasant?”
“No, quite the contrary. But kissing is not the same as the rest.”
“It is the first step. Touching is the second one.” His hand brushed against her cheek, as lightly as he could manage. “Does that distress you?”
“No, of course not.”
He peeled her long white glove from her left hand, and held her naked hand against his own face. “What of this?”
“I like how you feel.” She rubbed his cheek. “You’ll need to shave again soon.”
“Touch me wherever you like. Learn my body.”
She lightly brushed her index finger across his lips, then to his delight bent forwards and pressed an inexperienced but sweet kiss on his chin. A good thing it was so dim she likely would not see how her touch affected parts of his body.
“Is this your main objection to marrying me, Anthea? Your lovely body was made for giving and receiving pleasure. I can teach you, and would do so as slowly and carefully as humanly possible. There is nothing that I wish for more.”
“You would be gentle?”
“Of course.” Even if it killed him.
“At first, I mean,” she clarified. She put her soft gloveless hand on the nape of his neck and pulled him closer for another kiss.
He stopped her. “I don’t think we should continue until you make up your mind.”
“But I already have – can’t you tell?”
After that, he simply had to proceed with the kiss she had initiated.
A minute later he came up for air. “Remember I still have to convince your father to allow us to marry. That may be difficult.”
“They will be glad to see me respectably settled,” Anthea predicted. “The main problem Silas – he might still cause scandal, and I might not be respectable enough for a future clergyman.”
“I have given up that plan. Instead, I shall purchase an estate, and we can divide our time between the town and country. I still plan to devote half my income to charitable enterprises, mind.”
“I don’t mind at all. I shall help you, especially if it concerns children – an orphanage school, maybe?”
“We can discuss and plan that part while we are engaged,” he said, and kissed her again. This time she opened her lips the tiniest degree.
“What are you about?”
“Another experiment.” Was she winking? It was too dark to tell for sure. The tip of her tongue darted forwards, to meet his own, and quickly retreated.
“Darling, there is no need to go any further or faster than you are comfortable with.”
“Maybe I have been overestimating my reluctance,” she murmured, and for a moment buried her face in the crook of his neck. His arms encircled her.
“I can hear your heartbeat,” she said after a few seconds. “Is it always this fast?”
“No, it is your nearness, your kisses that excite my poor heart.” And not only the heart … “We shall take this slowly, but believe me, Anthea, in time you will enjoy what seemed so off-putting at first. You may have to unlearn some attitudes but it will be worthwhile, I promise.”
“Already I feel a lot less nervous about the prospect. More curious than frightened. When you are near me, Charles, I feel safe, as though nothing bad could happen to me.”
His heart hitched. “I shall do my best to justify your trust.”
She sighed a little. “I am happy, but I realise I must sound like the veriest ninny to a man of your experience.”
“I hope I have enough experience to steer both of us safely and pleasantly, but I have not lived like a rake or had many affairs. I never liked to treat intimacy as something casual, and hate doing it with strangers.”
“Good.”
“If we are allowed to marry, you need not ever worry that I would betray you with another. I take my vows literally, and very seriously.” He was very glad he had not vowed to become a clergyman, merely to devote his future to doing God’s work. With Anthea at his side that would be a pleasure.
“So do I. Will you kiss me again? The more we practice, the sooner we can get to the enjoyable part.”
“What have I started? I want to kiss you more than I can say, but I believe we should wait for your parents’ consent before we go on. I was all ready to carry you off to Scotland if you could not extricate yourself from Winstanton otherwise.”
“Really? What a scandal that would have been, but exciting, of course.” She sounded a little wistful. “I am almost sorry it did not come to that.”
“Don’t be. Your reputation is too precious to sacrifice, except in the worst extremity. I shall do my best to safeguard it.”
“That may not be easy. Silas is sure to make trouble, especially if he realises how he was tricked.” She clutched his hand in sudden apprehension. “If he goes slandering me, promise you will not challenge him to a duel, Charles.”
“I disapprove of duels on principle, so I can promise that easily enough. We shall have to find some other way to fend him off. Cherry with her unscrupulous ingenuity can advise us.”
“You may call it unscrupulous, but from my perspective Silas got exactly what he deserved. Cherry saved me – I am very glad she was found and came to visit, even if it means my dowry will be curtailed.”
“You know I don’t care about that,” Charles assured her. “Had Cherry not saved you, you would have saved yourself. Don’t discount your own strength and determination, sweetheart. Even in that short time since we met, you have grown in front of my eyes.”
“I feel as though I finally have room to grow, like a plant that has been given a bigger pot.” Her eyes passed over the multitude of plants around them, silent witnesses to their agreement and kisses. “Silas – and Mother too, without knowing it maybe, – tried to keep me small and insecure. I believe you will not do that.”
“I shall strive to support your strengths with my love.” She was only nineteen – who knew what new and unexpected aspects she might yet develop? It would be a privilege and adventure to be at her side as she did so, to support her to the best of his ability.
A sudden doubt assailed him. “Are you certain, Anthea, that you want to embark on marriage and possibly motherhood so soon? Maybe you should take your time, wait a year or so, until you fully grow into yourself.”
She stiffened. “Do you mean I am still too immature for you?”
“Of course not! Just that I want you to be very sure, entirely certain.”
Both her arm
s came around his neck this time. “Oh, I am, Charles. Depend on it. I love you.”
The rest was lost in a blaze of happiness – he was drowning in her sweetness. To go as slowly as he had promised, once they were married – if they were married – was going to be the death of him. Yet, what a way to go…
Chapter 31
Never let your elders manoeuvre you into the role of petulant child. Surpass their reasonableness and serenity with yours.
Maxims for Young Gentlewomen, by A Lady, London 1823
Anthea woke to the news, relayed by her excited maid, that Orator, the horse on which Lord Winstanton had left the previous night, had ambled back to the stables in the middle of the night, covered in bruises and abrasions. The grooms were sent out as soon as it was light enough, looking for its rider.
“Is the horse all right?”
“Yes, my lady, though they are applying remedies, and he may retain scars.”
As she had anticipated, Anthea was summoned to her father’s study as soon as she was dressed. She carefully marshalled her arguments.
Not only her father but her mother also waited for her with grim expressions. She steeled herself for battle, breathing deeply. Her heart beat fast in her throat. Why was it so much harder to face down her beloved parents, than Silas last night?
“Are you aware of what you have done with that vulgar display yesterday?” Her mother went right to the charge.
“Vulgar display? You meant that woman and her mother? That had nothing to do with me.” With luck, they would never find out that it had been Cherry’s doing.
“A lady of your breeding should not have taken any notice of such uncouth and possibly unfounded allegations.” Anthea had rarely heard her mother speak with such passion. “To throw the Goffroys’ emerald ring on the carpet! In front of all those witnesses, who will lose no time to write about it to their friends and relatives all over England! I am ashamed of your behaviour, Anthea. This is not how I trained you.”
Anthea took a deep breath. She had to remain in control, no matter how difficult. “I do not see that I had any other choice. I could not continue with a betrothal to a man I had come to hate and despise.”
“But who will have you now? Don’t you realise your position, after …,” the Countess’s voice trailed off. Even now, she could not bring herself to refer to intimacy between men and women.
“Indeed, you should have thought of the consequences before acting so rashly,” Lord Desborough said with a grave look. “You will not easily find another suitor if it leaks out that Winstanton and you went too far. And there will be gossip, I fear. He is unlikely to keep such a titbit to himself after the way you humiliated him last night. If he has not broken his neck, which I do hope is not the case; that too would probably be laid at your door.”
Anthea supposed she should feel sympathy for Silas’s likely accident, but while she did not want him dead, anything short of his demise left her unmoved.
“From what you are telling me, Father, it is clear that you have no trust in his honour – a gentleman would never spread such rumours, surely? If you think him so base, why did you force me to continue the engagement?”
“Anthea! This is no way to talk to your father!” The Countess’s face was turning an alarming shade of red.
“Mother, if I am old enough to be betrothed and married, you cannot treat me as a miscreant child, to be sent to her room when she misbehaves. Either I am an adult with a voice and will of my own, or a child not yet ready for matrimony. You cannot have it both ways.”
As her mother wrestled with her wrath, the Earl allowed, “She has a point, my dear.”
In the past he had always left his daughters’ education and discipline to the Countess. Lady Desborough’s eyes widened at this unexpected break in ranks.
“I am not worried who will have me now,” Anthea said into the strained silence. “I plan to marry Charles Denham. He is eager to ask you for permission to offer me marriage, Father, and I am determined to accept him, even if we have to wait until I come of age.”
“Charles Denham!” Her mother stared at her, and then exchanged a long look with her husband. “But he is so very proper and correct. You cannot suppose he will want you if he should learn – “
Anthea wanted to stamp her feet at her mother’s obtuseness, but that would not project the maturity she aimed for. “Mother, he knows everything. Unlike my own parents, he believes that Silas was lying. You have no idea what a relief it is to me, that somebody takes my word over that of a cad and scoundrel.”
“Are you saying –;” her father said slowly. “You claimed he was lying before, but it seemed the kind of thing you would say under the circumstances.”
“Silas was merely trying to force my hand, and prevent me from breaking the betrothal off. As though I would have permitted him such liberties before the wedding! And another thing, if Cherry had not taken pity on my ignorance, I would not even have known what I was being accused of. Since you, Mother, refused to explain it to me when I asked.” She could not hide the bitterness in her voice.
There was a long silence this time.
“If that is true,” her father began heavily, “And I do hope it is, then I owe you an apology, Anthea.”
The Countess had other things on her mind. “Charles Denham knows everything? Are you insane, Anthea, to broadcast your shame to a man outside the immediate family?”
Anthea raised her chin another notch. “I hope he will become my family soon. May I tell him to speak with you, Father?”
“It is not the grand match we always envisaged,” the Earl said reluctantly. “But if he is aware of Winstanton’s allegations, there is no way we can refuse him.”
“Nonsense. Charles is not like that. Even if you do not agree to the match, he would never breathe a word of this affair. Cannot you see that he is infinitely superior to Silas, because Charles is a man of honour? And strong too. I shall never forget the way he knocked Silas down, last night.”
Her father’s face was lightening at last. “Your champion, in fact? But you should not jump from one betrothal to the other so quickly. I am willing to talk to him, but will insist on a waiting period of several months.”
Anthea nodded, hiding her relief and elation. The half-year betrothal period her father had demanded in Silas’s case had saved her from untold misery. It might be fun to be courted properly this time, by an attentive and loving fiancé.
The door plunged open and all three turned towards the source of the interruption, which turned out to be her brother. Peter carefully closed both wings of the door behind him.
“Father, if you are scolding Anthea for jilting Silas, you are making a mistake. He was never going to be a good husband; I had great misgivings already before that woman turned up last night, to expose his lack of morals.”
Anthea stared. “You were with him all the time, took his part –,”
“I am sorry for that. He took me in with flattery at first, then kept inciting me into larger and larger bets. Never mind that now, I will pay him off from my allowance, though it will take a couple of years.”
“Peter!” The Countess cried in distress.
“So that’s why he spoke of settling up before his departure?” Her father was taking the bad news with relative calm.
“I found Silas good company until I realised that I would never be free of his manipulations.” He turned to Anthea. “From the way he talked, he saw the betrothal and marriage merely as a game and a nuisance.”
“Why did you not come to me with your concerns?” Lord Desborough asked gruffly.
“I reckoned Anthea had already got his measure and would not go through with the wedding. I felt like applauding last night.”
Who would have thought it? Her selfish brother, taking her side against Silas? Would wonders never cease?
“Still, to jilt a man like Lord Winstanton – his mother will never forgive us, and neither will he,” Lady Desborough objected.
; Before the discussion could continue, the door opened again, and Cherry joined the family group.
“I could not stand the suspense longer. Have you finally convinced your parents that Winstanton was merely bluffing?”
“You knew about that?” The Earl was surprised and dismayed.
“From the first. I heard Lord Winstanton threaten poor Anthea with slander and vile rumours, when she tried to give back his ring. You are very lucky this blackguard will no longer marry into the family.”
“Thank you, Cherry. For everything.” Anthea had never expected to find such a crucial ally in the sister fate had unexpectedly thrust upon her. “Do you know what became of that unfortunate young woman and Mrs Fisher? Did Winstanton catch up with them?” That possibility had troubled her.
“I imagine they are far away,” Cherry said with a shrug. “Lord Winstanton set out after them on horseback last night, and I understand has not come back yet. His mother on the other hand is packed and eager to depart, waiting for him to escort her home.”
“She does not know the horse came back, after what must have been a fall?” Anthea asked.
Cherry shook her head. “Did it? I was not aware of the fact. Somebody will have to tell Lady Winstanton.”
“I had rather not see her before she leaves,” Anthea said.
“Nor will you,” Lady Desborough decided. “It would only pain the poor old lady further. I suppose I shall have to talk to her.”
“Had she brought her son up to be more of a gentleman, this might have turned out very differently,” Cherry commented. “Are you having Charles Denham, Anthea? He is very much in love with you, and good men like him are rarer than pink diamonds.”
“You knew about that as well?” Lady Desborough regarded Cherry accusingly. “Am I the only one who didn’t notice what he and Anthea were about?”
“Well, Cecily knew,” Anthea said, “and has also urged me to marry Charles.”