by Joshua Price
The bigfoot looked at each other, trying to figure out what the puny little human meant by a lift. Eventually, they gave up and shrugged. Captain Rescue jumped up and down a few times without realizing that the bigfoot were just unfamiliar with certain slang and not utterly stupid. The hairy beasts looked at each other once more and then nodded. One knelt down and weaved his fingers together to give the hero something to climb. Captain Rescue placed his foot upon the organic step and began ascending the boulder in a most clumsy manner, almost falling multiple times. He was no mountain climber, but somehow he found his way to the top. Captain Rescue collapsed face down against the boulder, and then he rolled around playfully on the damp moss like a puppy.
He heard a gruff exhale and glanced over his shoulder to see his hairy friends coming to join him atop the boulder. As an arm gripped the top of the rock, the hero took the small window of opportunity to scurry to the edge. This way, when the apes made it up here, they would assume that Captain Rescue had been hard at work spying on the enemy and not rolling amongst the moss. With his ruse successful, the bigfoot came to lie down next to him and reconnaissance began. The hero, absolutely disgusted with his inability to save the prisoners, watched the group of apes take them into the village. The procession headed down a ramp, and he used all of his deductive reasoning to conclude that the prisoners were being held underground.
What awaited those poor souls down there? Captain Rescue had no clue, but he had a dream. Maybe, just maybe, once those prisoners made it underground, the bigfoot would treat them to feasts and hospitality, not whips and torture. Maybe the shackles had only been there as a method of subterfuge to surprise the prisoners. When they got down there maybe they would find a feast waiting. A scream rang out and Captain Rescue tried to rationalize it. Maybe the hospitality shocked one of the prisoners so much that she found herself unable to contain her enjoyment and screamed out. Yes, that was a much better scenario than the alternative—that the apes dragged her underground to her doom. Another scream rang out. Oh, more enjoyment, more ecstatic prisoners realizing they had not been prisoners after all.
Captain Rescue smiled and turned his attention away from the tunnel and observed the rest of the village. Nearby, the bigfoot were hard at work erecting something, and considering they were not using wood or leaves to do it, it must have been something important, something dangerous. A slew of futuristic materials sat piled next to the groundwork of this mysterious building like a life-sized LEGO project in the making. (Captain Rescue used childhood toys to understand many things in life.) It would be years before the true purpose of this building would come to fruition, but there was no mistake that the bigfoot, with the aid of a certain species of marine mammal, had a long-term plan in mind. Captain Rescue gazed at the building blocks and tried to imagine what its purpose could possibly be. He really had no idea, but knew that he would not have to worry about it for the time being and this set his mind at ease. He chuckled to himself knowing that future Captain Rescue would have to deal with the problem and not him.
The hero’s eyes shifted across the village to an entire regiment of bigfoot practicing in formation, dozens of the apes thrust their laser rifles into the air and then stomped the ground in perfect harmony. Captain Rescue could not figure out why the bigfoot would be putting on such a dance show without an audience. Then it hit him. He wished he had remembered The Rescue Digital Camera to document this wonderful find: the bigfoot had a flare for showmanship. Captain Rescue had to share this development with the others as soon as possible. It all made sense. The bigfoot had kidnapped the campers because the apes knew that no one would come to any show they put on willingly. Apes with laser rifles and synchronized dancing? People would think them mad.
Captain Rescue crawled to the back edge of the boulder, intent on getting down from here and rushing back to camp to inform the gang of his discovery. They, of course, would realize the hero’s foolishness early on. Always a fan of dramatic exits, Captain Rescue tumbled from the top of the boulder and hit the ground with a thud as his bigfoot entourage followed more gracefully thereafter. Then, the hero and his ape entourage pranced off into the forest.
***
Freight huddled alone in one of the cramped tents. In one hand, Courtney lay on her back with her butt pointed into the air. In the other, he gripped a grimy disgusting torn piece of cloth, which meant almost as much to him as the shotgun despite its modest origins. Freight had ripped the cloth from an old t-shirt, and since then he carried it around with him everywhere. Courtney told him how much she loved that little cloth, and Freight adopted it like a son.
He spat onto this adopted son and began thoroughly cleaning his beloved. He had an aching suspicion that her services would be required soon and the man wanted to be prepared. Systematically, he wiped down the weapon’s stock, flipped it over, and then cleaned the top, followed by the barrel, and finally the trigger mechanism. When finished, Courtney shined like the day they wed.
Freight felt the sun beat down on his back and he glanced over the shoulder to see Dr. Malevolent’s head poking into the tent. “What is it?” he questioned.
“Oh,” she began as she strolled into his tent, “I just thought I’d come and see what you were up to, big guy.”
Freight rose to his feet and, with his back still facing the super villain, slid Courtney underneath his belt. The giant man shoved the dirty piece of cloth into his pocket and then turned around to face Dr. Malevolent, who took one look at that glare and slunk away. She reached the curtain and then tried to find the break in it so she could break out.
“I already told you once,” Freight said with a quietly intense voice, “I have no interest in joining your little organization and I’d appreciate it if you’d,” he paused for a moment to censor himself, “go away.”
She pursed her lips. “Yeah, but you didn’t really let me state my case to its fullest.”
“What’s there to state? You want me to help you rob from the innocent.”
“A-hah!” she cheered as she threw an arm into the air. “I only rob from those who deserve it. You could say I’m kind of like a modern day Robin Hood.”
“Yeah, only you don’t rob from the rich to give to the poor. You take it all for yourself.”
“Yes, but the cost of living is much greater than it was a thousand years ago, and furthermore, it’s very expensive doing what I do.”
Freight crossed his arms. “I would imagine that trying to take over the world time and time again and… failing would be quiet costly.”
“Yes exactly, that’s why we need someone like you aboard, someone that can help us succeed.”
Freight laughed and gave a condescending smirk. “I don’t really believe your successes rest solely in my hands. From the sound of it, you just suck, and I don’t think I want to work for someone who sucks.”
Dr. Malevolent’s head fell. She could see this was not exactly going according to plan. The super villain lifted her head upwards once more to take another crack at it. In doing so, she glimpsed the shotgun tucked underneath his belt, and an idea dawned on her. “What happens when you and Courtney want to have a couple kids? How are you going to afford to send them to college, to clothe them, to feed them?”
Freight’s wicked smirk disappeared and the man actually appeared worried for once in his life. “You’re right. I have to start thinking about my future and the future of my family. If all else fails, I guess I can come work for you.”
Dr. Malevolent smiled and nodded. “Excellent, that’s all I really wanted to hear.” She walked towards the exit of the tent and added, “Now we just have to wait for idiot to get back from his little trip.”
Chapter 5: A Journey Back Wrought with the Most Unspeakable of Evils
With a pair of earbuds in his ears that led down to the MP3 player he had stashed in his utility belt, Captain Rescue shook his head to the music. He had not looked down from the sky in well over fifteen minutes, and despite this, he stayed his course, o
blivious to anything that might have been obstructing his path. After a few minutes of bumping into trees and then finding his way around them, a bright flash of light distracted Captain Rescue from both his music and the sky.
His eyes shot down to where the bigfoot had unabashedly opened fire on a tree, singeing its bark and sending smoke into the sky. He turned around and questioned the apes with his eyes, but not in the way a normal human being would. Captain Rescue had enough trouble conveying emotions with words, so doing it with his eyes instead was entirely out of the question. His eyebrows appeared as if they had gone into cardiac arrest and his eyes went back and forth between squinting and positions that did not have a name. The bigfoot pointed their laser rifles at him, evoking wet pants, and then they just motioned behind the hero.
Captain Rescue spun around and there it was, waiting for him. It must have tracked him; it must have followed him. His face went white. He thought that he was safe, that he had lost it, but there it stood trembling with its legs spread close to the ground: the irritated deer. He took a step back and the small deer advanced. It could not have been much older than a fawn, but its animosity knew no quarter. Frothing from the mouth, growling, and with a psychotic look in its eyes, the deer had decided that it would be the end of Captain Rescue, and he had never seen anything so frightening.
Trying not to take his eyes off the deer, Captain Rescue shot a glance to his entourage for assistance, but they offered only laughter in return. The apes might have been given instructions to keep him from harm, but what harm could a deer ever do? This left the hero fending off the pint-sized monstrosity on his own. Captain Rescue tried his luck waving at the fawn, hoping to curb its rabid heart. It just barked at him, which was something he felt certain normal deer did not do. He took a step back and then another. For every step the hero took, the fawn took three as it taunted him, as it played with its food.
“Please little guy, I don’t want to have to hurt you,” Captain Rescue begged the fawn.
The trembling deer just continued advancing towards the hero while foam fell from its mouth in globs. As Captain Rescue threw up his dukes, the deer accepted his challenge and began sprinting for him, leaving a contrail of frothing saliva hovering in its path. It launched itself into the air as its thin tiny legs spread wide and its head shook intensely. Just as the fawn was about to crash head first into Captain Rescue, he dropped to his knees and covered his head while screaming like a baby. The deer flew right over him, hit the tree, and then just fell to the ground.
Captain Rescue gradually uncovered his hands from his head and then looked at the motionless deer. He immediately felt deep pity for the creature as the frothing brew filling its mouth leaked onto the ground. He crawled over to it and placed his hand gently upon its neck, caressing it softly. His hand traveled upwards and he patted its forehead while looking down at its closed eyes.
“I’m so sorry!” he cried out as tears welled in his eyes.
As he pulled the unsanitary creature close to him and embraced it, Captain Rescue rocked back and forth squeezing the tiny deer. Soon, he could feel a faint pulse within its fragile body. Alleviation filled the hero’s heart with the realization that it had not died. His head fell and Captain Rescue noticed that the creature’s eyes staring up at him. They gazed at each other for a moment, and then the deer opened its mouth and almost immediately lunged for the hero’s throat. With his right hand, he shoved the snout to the side and then curled that hand into a fist and proceeded to punch the fawn relentlessly in hopes of rendering it unconscious, or dead, or both. He really did not care; his survival instincts had taken over. Captain Rescue released the deer and it fell to the ground. He rose to his feet and looked to the entourage of apes.
“Okay,” he said with a deep exhale, “let’s get out of here.”
The hero headed into the trees, refusing to look back at the deer as it lay there. It was finally over; the beast would trouble him no longer. He could finally be free, but if he had bothered looking back, just once, he would have noticed its eyes staring intently back at him from afar. It had only begun.
***
The thing about Tyrannosaurus Rexes living in a modern world was that they were hard to hide. That was why, as Captain Rescue saw that giant pink head protruding through the tree canopy, he and his bigfoot posse knew that they would soon be safe back at camp. Where no beasts like the irritated deer would be able to find him, and if it did, Ralph would surely eat it. With the knowledge that the safety of friends resided just ahead, Captain Rescue burst into sprint, letting his arms flail gleefully through the air as the apes just looked on in exasperation.
Ignoring the path cut through the trees just to his right, Captain Rescue rushed into the thick foliage that surrounded their camp, and the plethora of branches soon had its way with him. A few moments after it began, the battle concluded, and he rushed into the camp with an infinite amount of twigs and leaves coating him, but it was all worth it. With Captain Rescue’s return so flamboyantly announced, Ralph leapt to his feet. From opposite ends of the open field, the two ran towards each other to embrace as only lovers could. Curiously, Ralph made no signs of slowing, and neither did Captain Rescue for that matter. Just before the dinosaur squashed the tiny human like a bug, he simply galloped over him. Then, like a confused dog, Ralph stopped and looked around, trying to figure out where his master had gone. The dinosaur looked down at the ground and tilted its head inquisitively as he tried to figure it all out.
Captain Rescue whistled and his trusty hound leapt into the air, spun around, and then slammed back down onto the ground. The impact sent a shockwave across the field that knocked over tents and sent his master onto his back. Captain Rescue jumped to his feet unbothered by Ralph’s rumbustiousness and happy to have something in his life that loved him unconditionally other than his deceased mother. He bent over and slapped his thighs, beckoning the dinosaur to him. Ralph threw his head into the air, let out a playful roar, and then stomped the few steps between him and the hero. Once there, the dinosaur lowered its snout and nuzzled the hero affectionately, throwing him to the ground once more.
By now, the two star-crossed lovers had attracted the attention of everyone in the camp. Dr. Malevolent, Freight, and Charlie approached the hero and his mutt with cross faces.
“Well, I see you made it back in one piece,” Dr. Malevolent said. “Oh happy day.”
Captain Rescue had more pressing concerns than the snide super villain. Notably, Ralph’s pustule covered tongue, which had come in for a lick. As much as Captain Rescue loved his mutt, that tongue was not something he wanted touching any part of him. It disgusted the hero more than anything he could imagine. The tongue closed in, and at the last second, Captain Rescue rolled to his side and gave Ralph a mouthful of grass. The hero patted his pet’s cheek as he jumped to his feet.
He turned to face Dr. Malevolent and finally answered her, “Yes, yes, I’m back in one piece, and I bring news.”
“Well, let’s head back to Harold and the other apes.”
The gang left Ralph to play in the dirt by himself as they headed towards the command tent. After a few seconds, the dinosaur’s head shot up and he glanced around before realizing everyone had abandoned him. Disappointed, his head then slumped down, but after a few seconds, the lizard forgot the others even existed and found some scrumptious grass to lick. In about the same amount of time it took Ralph to strip the grass from the ground, the gang stood before Harold and the other members of the reconnaissance party.
“So, what did you learn?” Dr. Malevolent asked, expecting something ridiculous.
Captain Rescue proved her right. “The bigfoot like to put on shows. In fact, we saw them practicing one. They were all grouped together, dancing in formation and waving their guns around.”
Dr. Malevolent coughed, choking on air, and then just laughed. “You fool, it’s highly doubtful that the bigfoot were working on their big dance number.”
Freight cracked his knuck
les and smiled. “They were preparing for war!”
Harold nodded. “They’re planning something big.”
Captain Rescue’s face went white. “So those people I saw being led underground were actually in trouble?”
Dr. Malevolent gave a disinterested nod. “Most likely, yes.”
“Oh,” he said solemnly as his heart sank. Captain Rescue started to back out of the tent in defeat.
“Wait a second, where are you going?”
“Oh… uh… We’re not done here?”
“No, of course we’re not done.”
Confused, Captain Rescue just looked at her.
“Oh you’re helpless.” She turned to Harold. “Can’t believe I’m turning to you for information, but what did your men learn?”
Harold, stricken with a sudden case of senile ape syndrome, looked around and tried to remember where he was and what he was doing. Then, his eyes went wide as the puzzle pieces came together. “My brethren are planning an attack. We don’t know who, when, or where, but a great catastrophe is inbound.”
“Yeah!” Captain Rescue piped up, “they were building something.”
“Oh, now you decide to be helpful. What, pray tell, are they building?”
The hero fell to his knees and placed his hands together in prayer.
“That’s not what ‘pray tell’ means at all.”
“What? Why use the word pray if you don’t want someone to pray.”
“It comes from the archaic meaning of pray, which basically means ‘to implore’.”
Captain Rescue stared back at her with an expressionless face.
Dr. Malevolent clenched her fists in frustration. “Just tell us about this building you saw and try not to sound too retarded.”
The hero jumped to his feet, taking her instructions not to sound retarded backwards. He grabbed her lapel and pulled her close to him. With an ample amount of spit accompanying his words, Captain Rescue yelled, “It’s going to be huge! It looks like something out of a science fiction movie! We have to do something!”