by Joshua Price
Dr. Malevolent choked on the air passing into her lungs. “Yeah, I guess that’s a good way to look at it. Candid.”
This was about all Freight could stomach of this idle chatter. “Listen, kid. That giant tower nearby, we need to blow it up.”
Her eyes beamed. “Oh, will that free us?”
Dr. Malevolent laughed. “In a roundabout way, yes… yes it will.”
The girl pursed her lips. “It will be tricky! We are told to stay away from that giant building because of how many of them are there. Attacking it head on would be a bad idea.”
“Nothing is a bad idea with enough firepower! Where do you keep your laser weapons?” Freight growled at the girl.
“Uh, laser weapons?” she asked.
Freight’s lower lip quivered. “You don’t have laser weapons?”
The girl shook her head. “We’re survivors not fighters.”
He grabbed the sides of his head and almost yanked his hair out. “Then what are we doing here?!”
“Well, if you want weapons. The gorillas have a place they store supplies nearby, you might be able to find some weapons there, but there are loads of patrols between here and there.”
Dr. Malevolent turned to see if the village idiot had gotten into any more trouble. To her surprise, he had not. In fact, Captain Rescue had pulled up a chair, and he now had a book in his hands while he read to both the children and adults sitting Indian-style all around, sparkles in their eyes. The book’s title eluded her, but the fact he possessed the ability to read surprised her enough for that not to matter. She laughed. Knowing him, it was probably a picture book, and he was describing the pictures he saw to the crowd.
“So, these patrols,” Charlie pulled the super villain’s attention away from story time, “I suppose it would be a bad idea to try to fight our way through them.”
“Yeah!” the girl said loudly, “they kill an occasional scavenger!” Then, unexpectedly, her face went white. “There’s a way around them… but it’s not safe.”
“Well,” Charlie continued, “is it more or less safe than being vaporized by patrols.”
“It depends. You could go through,” she paused in fear, “the haunted maintenance tunnels!”
Dr. Malevolent crossed her arms. “I don’t believe in ghosts.”
“Believe in them or not. No one who’s ever entered that tunnel has come out.”
“So,” the super villain laughed, “how could you know they’re haunted if no one that’s ever entered them has come out to tell you so?”
The girl thought about the statement. “They don’t come out! That’s proof enough the tunnels are haunted.”
Freight shrugged. “Ghosts don’t scare me. Let’s go through these tunnels, steal some weapons, set some charges, and then blow up the supply depot when we go in to take out the tower.”
“And just where are we going to find these charges?”
“Uh,” Charlie started, “I might have a fix for that.”
She looked down at the stomach pouch. “Why aren’t I surprised that you’re carrying around deadly explosives.”
“They’re not armed! I keep them relatively safe.”
She laughed. “Relatively…”
“Perfect, then the plan is set,” Freight concluded.
Dr. Malevolent clapped, “You are quite the military strategist, but I have one question.”
Freight looked at her.
“What are you scared of?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“Oh, there’s something, and I’m going to figure it out.”
Freight laughed. “Go ahead and try.”
Before Dr. Malevolent could start listing common fears, Captain Rescue scurried up to them. “Hello friends!”
She turned to him. “Oh, did you enjoy story time?”
“Story time?” he repeated while scratching his head.
“Yeah, the book you were reading to all those people.”
“Reading? Book?” he looked around.
She had to refrain from slapping him across the face. “I don’t understand how your brain works, you lunatic.”
“Are we even sure it does?” Charlie added.
She nodded to him. “You might have been busy having an out of body experience while your body read to this people, but we made a plan.”
“I hope it involves freeing these people!”
“Yes, in fact, it does,” Dr. Malevolent said, “Which way to the maintenance tunnels?”
“I grew up around here,” Charlie added, “but things have changed a lot since then—in more ways than one.”
“Wait a second!” Captain Rescue stammered as he turned away from his adoring public just as they began asking him to bless their children. “You grew up in the future?!”
The bunny, too entertained by his assumption to disprove it, simply replied, “Yes, yes I grew up in the future.”
The hero stumbled backwards. “Amazing. How did you go back in time?”
“I cannot say, for it’s a secret.”
“I’ve got my eye on you,” the hero added with a stare.
Charlie just laughed and turned to their escort. “Let’s head out.”
“I’ll show you the way, but no way am I going in there,” the young girl added.
Dr. Malevolent shrugged. “Fair enough. Now let’s get out of here before these people deify Captain Rescue.”
Their new God turned to kiss the cheeks and hands of the people.
“I think they already have,” Charlie said.
“More reason to skedaddle,” Dr. Malevolent urged, turning to the young girl, “Lead the way, whatever your name is.”
“It’s Shannon.”
“Lead the way… Shannon.”
Captain Rescue spoke to the reverent-eyed followers. “We must now depart, you noble peoples. Rest assured that we will not return until we’ve made the world a better place or we will die trying.”
The gang made for the ladder as Captain Rescue’s fans followed close behind. They were taking his departure exceedingly hard as noted by the tears welling in their eyes and their begs for him to stay. As Captain Rescue ascended the metal ladder upwards, the worshipful people gathered at the bottom and held their arms upwards as he waved down to them, and with that, he set off on the next part of his journey.
Chapter 11: Apes Must Not Look Up
The gang made it up the clean ladder, through the vault door, and started to ascend the disgusting ladder. Captain Rescue kept his eyes closed under the assumption that not looking would somehow keep him safe from all of those infectious diseases that haunted his dreams. After some time, he overcame his fears and opened his eyes only to find Freight’s mammoth man-ass. He stared at that chiseled rump for a while until pink daylight eclipsed it as Charlie shoved open the trapdoor filing cabinet.
Captain Rescue pushed his arms through the narrow opening and placed his hands upon the surrounding ground. Dirt; grime and dirt. The hero fought back his gag reflex, felt around for the cleanest possible spot, and lifted himself through the trapdoor. Once on his feet, Captain Rescue raised his disgusting dirt-covered hands into the air and squealed like a pig before frantically searching for something to wipe them off on. For a moment, he petitioned Charlie and his plush suit, but he could quickly see how terrible of an idea that was by the bunny’s mannerisms.
He sighed, closed his eyes tightly, and then wiped clean his grime-encrusted hands on his costume. The hero opened his eyes and could not help but to notice how clean everyone else was. Did they somehow discover a secret to ascending disgusting ladders into disgusting ice cream parlors? That had to be it. He retaliated against their cleanliness by glaring wickedly at each and every one of them, and they retaliated against that with absolute confusion.
Charlie glared playfully back at Captain Rescue, accentuated by his bright bunny smile. “If you’re done being… weird, let’s get a move on.”
“Oh, believe you me. I’m done.”
“I
highly doubt that,” Dr. Malevolent sneered.
Charlie turned the young girl. “Okay Shannon, how far to the allegedly haunted maintenance tunnels?”
“What a second! Nobody said anything about ghosts!” Captain Rescue clamored.
“Oh, so you’ll wade through a few hundred zombies, but ghosts,” Dr. Malevolent joked, “are just too much?”
“Zombies can be killed!”
“And ghosts… ghosts are already dead,” she argued.
Charlie cleared his throat repeated himself, “Shannon, how far to the allegedly haunted maintenance tunnels?”
Captain Rescue raised his hand.
Charlie shook his head, bunny ears flopping softly about. “What is it?”
“What does allegately mean?”
He chuckled at the pronunciation. “It means the tunnels probably aren’t haunted.”
“Oh!” Captain Rescue became suddenly alleviated. “Then what are we waiting for? Lead the way, kiddo!”
Their young escort stood in the doorway of the ice cream parlor, even though the door itself, and much of the frame, had gone missing. The heroes, drenched in pink sunlight, embarked upon the journey for the possibly—but unlikely—haunted tunnel system. Shannon darted down the road and Captain Rescue pointed in her direction. The gang stepped onto the street and marched with conviction, with purpose, with style. Just next to the parlor, an alley cut through a series of buildings. The young girl led them to the fire escape of a small three-story building, its ladder hanging freely a foot or two from the ground.
“We scavengers laid out a series of bridges across buildings to help us navigate the city,” she said as she pointed to the scaffolding.
“Here we go again.” Captain Rescue sighed as he approached the fire escape.
He was not exactly thrilled that he had to put his hands around yet another ladder that could conceivably harbor all sorts of foul substances. Captain Rescue glanced to his black gloves and quietly said a prayer for them that they might make it through this ordeal unscathed. Captain Rescue took a depth breath and then wrapped his fingers around the ladder’s rungs, paying little heed to the armies of germs crushed beneath his leather-laden hands.
Captain Rescue took another deep breath, jumped, and latched onto the rungs with both hands in an attempt to hoist himself up, but with the upper body strength of a toddler, he ended up kicking his legs as he dangled from the ladder. After a few seconds of futile thrashing, Captain Rescue felt a pair of hands clutch his ankles and hoist him up. He glanced over his shoulder to see Freight and everyone else glaring at him. At the behest of his friends, Captain Rescue began his ascent. Carefully, slowly, painstakingly, he eventually reached the top of the ladder and pulled himself onto the flat metal grate of the fire escape. Captain Rescue rolled onto his back as if he had just run a marathon. Almost immediately, he realized that underneath him swarms of microscopic organisms crawled around, infiltrating his every crack and crevice. Captain Rescue then devolved from an exhausted marathon runner to a turtle turned upside down. His arms and legs flailed about as the hero tried to knock the germs from him.
Freight reached to top of the ladder and then climbed onto the fire escape. He stood there staring down at the flailing Captain Rescue and then swiftly kicked him in the gut. The hero wrenched in pain and then jumped to his feet before rubbing his side and pouting. The others climbed aboard the metal ship and stared at each other; and then, it creaked. Their young escort had never had this many people on here at once.
Freight pointed upwards as the fire escape started to sway. “Race you guys to the top.” The giant man began to scale the steps as the framework shook.
“Hey!” Dr. Malevolent yelled up to him. “Maybe it would be best if we proceed slowly so this entire contraption doesn’t collapse!”
Freight ignored her as he galloped up the steps.
“Okay. Or we could rush up the stairs and hope we get to the top before we all die.”
“Much better!” he yelled down to her.
“I’m your boss now, you know that right?”
“Not until we get back to our own time and you start paying me, you’re not!”
She gripped the railing as the fire escape shook with the force of a hurricane, but all the commotion dissipated as Freight made his way to the roof and looked back down at the others in victory of the winning this single person race. The flimsy metal continued to jostle and groan as the rest of the group ascended its steps. Captain Rescue did his best to avoid letting any one foot touch the ground for an inordinate amount of time. The final one to reach the rooftop, the hero stared back at the grimy fire escape.
His mind began to focus intently on the dangerous hunk of metal. Captain Rescue’s eyes narrowed into a squint. If laser-vision were to ever make its way into his repertoire of superpowers spontaneously, now would be that time. His face grew red and the veins popped out of his head and neck. Just before rupturing every blood vessel in his face, he ceased his attempts at bestowing himself with super powers and just kicked the fire escape. Its retaliatory cry absorbed the ominous clang of a dolphin in its mechanized armor. Captain Rescue, not satisfied enough with the first, kicked it again—and that was the straw that broke the fire escape’s back. In a crash that must have drawn the attention of every patrol in a two-mile radius, the entire contraption collapsed like a folding chair. He stepped away from the ledge and whistled nonchalantly, hoping not to draw too much attention to himself.
“You imbecile!” Dr. Malevolent lashed out.
“They sure don’t make those like they used to,” he said with a shrug.
Shannon pointed to the wooden blank bridging this building with the next. “We should get moving before they come to investigate the noise.”
Dr. Malevolent stretched like an Olympic athlete, sprinted for the wooden bridge, and then vaulted completely over it before landing gracefully on the other side like a cat. She spun around and curtsied to the other building.
“Well, aren’t you a show off,” the bunny said as he jogged over the wooden plank, his single bunny ear flopping away.
Dr. Malevolent nodded. “There’s really nothing that I don’t excel at.”
“Well, you’ve yet to take over the world despite countless attempts.”
“Yes well… I excel at trying.”
Freight stepped onto the wooden bridge, which bowed underneath his weight. As if to display his manliness to the others, he waltzed across it and ignored the creaking and bowing as the bridge struggled to keep from snapping. He reached the other side and everyone turned and faced Captain Rescue, who still stood on the opposite building as he fought back his fear of heights.
Dr. Malevolent yelled to him, “Okay, scaredy cat, just don’t look down.”
While keeping his head craned towards the sky, Captain Rescue took a deep breath and stepped onto the plank. After just one inch, Captain Rescue began panting. He zigzagged down the bridge, walking until his toe could feel it disappear, at which point, he would correct and then meander in the opposite direction. The hero reached the end of the plank and stumbled onto the rooftop. He looked at everyone before him, their faces cross with annoyance, and then, from out of nowhere, a fist came and connected with his face. Captain Rescue collapsed as if the bones in his body had liquefied. Freight picked up the unconscious hero and slung him over his shoulder.
“I’m not going to wait five minutes every time we have to cross one of these bridges,” he said.
The gang heard a series of stomps from a dolphin and its mechanized suit below.
“Speaking of which,” Freight added, “we best get movin’.”
The next bridge took no notice of the light escort darting across it, or the super villain vaulting over it, and furthermore, it did mind the bunny rabbit’s plush feet tickling it. The bridge had a change of heart as upwards of five hundred pounds of Freight and his shoulder mounted ornament stepped aboard. Immediately, the bridge bent to its breaking point. In a fraction of a second, F
reight looked down, looked at his shoulder, and then tossed Captain Rescue. The unconscious lump flew through the air, slowly twisting onto its stomach before it touched ground on the rooftop and skidded to a stop.
Everyone but the lump took a moment and listened to the commotion below as bigfoot and dolphins from all over converged on their position to investigate the crashed fire escape. It was a rusted piece of junk, so with any luck, their enemy would assume that it collapsed on its volition. As the gang peered at its remains, they realized the last thing any of them wanted was for one of those armored menaces to notice their watchful eyes, so they backed away from the roof’s ledge since. Chances were they could make it to the haunted maintenance tunnels before any of these patrols realized they were on the move.
Shannon led the time travelers from building to building and across the bridges between them. She and the other scavengers traversed the city in style, only stepping foot on the ground to search for supplies within the wrecked buildings before scurrying their way back to the rooftops through whatever means they could find—ladders, fire escapes, piles of trash stacked in a strategic manner. With any patrols presumably blocks away, she stopped at one of the buildings and turned to the others.
“The tunnels are just below us.” Shannon pointed to the ledge of the rooftop, where a drainage pipe led all the way to the ground. “After you.”
Freight dropped Captain Rescue to the ground, sat him up against the roof ledge, and started to slap him across the face.
After about thirty seconds, the slumbering hero awoke and glanced around. “Huh? What? What did I miss? What happened? Why does every inch of my body hurt?”
“Oh, you were just taking a wee little nap while I tossed you from building to building,” Freight said to him, “but now we’re here, so rise and shine.”
While Captain Rescue was busy coming to his senses, Shannon grabbed hold of the drainage pipe, jumped over the ledge, and then was out of sight.
The hero walked up to the pipe and giggled. “That looks fun.”
“By all means,” Dr. Malevolent said, “you go first.”