by Cathy Clamp
“Oh, shoot. I forgot all about that!” She really had. What would her adoptive mother have done if she’d made it out of town this morning? Sure, at some point they were going to have to get used to her not being here, and Darrell and Kristy were doing a ton better now that the mayor was dead. But they weren’t completely well yet, and Tammy also was still recovering from her brief time as a rogue.
Rachel had been spending every other night at the Williams house so Asylin could get some sleep. The kids would wake up from nightmares, needing someone to crawl into bed with them and hold them until they fell back to sleep. She wasn’t going to be able to do that tonight, not if she had to explain Ascension to Anica, but she should explain in person and see if she could help in some other way.
“Thanks for the reminder. Mom would have had my head.”
Speaking of heads, Dalvin was suddenly looking at her like she’d grown a second one. The confused anger in his eyes made her uncomfortable.
“I’ll go with you,” Alek said. “I need to check on the houseguests there anyway and make sure everybody is going to be civil to the family, since the Williamses are still living there.” He turned to Dalvin. “Why don’t you come with us to the apartments? Scott took your bags over to his place when the fight was broken up, so you can get unpacked. Once I check in with Amber, I’ll let you know how the schedule is going to work.”
Scott’s place? Goddamn it! Dalvin was going to be right down the hall from her! Well, he had to sleep somewhere, and there weren’t many options. Most of the residents lived farther out, at the fringes of the land the pack owned, and obviously, as a Wolven agent, Dalvin had to stay in town.
Hoping for a little alone time, she smiled broadly. “Nah, you two go on ahead. I’ll walk over and help Mom with the kids. Alek, could you see if Anica’s at my place yet and tell her I’ll be back soon?” Without waiting for a reply, she headed for the door, then hesitated. She looked at the two Council members. “Is it okay to go? I’ve got family stuff.”
Liz nodded. “Sure. Be back here at eight tomorrow morning and we’ll go over what we’ve decided.”
The blue sky had never looked so good. There was a bite in the air that was as crisp as apples. She walked fast, hoping nobody would be able to follow her.
“Running away again?” Dalvin said behind her. “Aren’t you tired of that yet?”
Rachel stopped. The rebuke, the sadness and anger, filled the air like a toxic cloud, filled her lungs, suffocating her. Running wasn’t her usual style, and yet, with Dalvin, she kept doing it. No more, she decided.
She turned and faced him, staying poised on the balls of her feet, ready for whatever came next. “I don’t run. Never have, never will.” He looked taken aback, unsure of what to say. That was probably best. Go on offense. “You have something to say to me, boy? Say it.”
He reared back like she’d hit him. “Baby, I ain’t your boy. Not after all this time.”
She shrugged one shoulder. “Well, I ain’t your baby either.”
He bared teeth while his fingers thrummed, staccato, on his pants. Oh, he was pissed now.
“That’s it,” he said, his voice rising. “I’ve held my tongue since yesterday, trying to figure out why you’re living here. I wondered if you forgot where you came from or were too traumatized. But y’know what? I don’t give a shit anymore. I don’t care why you’re here. All I want to know is this: How dare you call another woman your mama? How fucking dare you!
“Ten years, your mother’s been waiting back in Detroit, worrying, going gray over your sorry ass. She’s put flowers on that same street corner every year on the anniversary of the day you disappeared; she and your pop have spent more than their mortgage on investigators, looking for some clue, any clue, to what happened.” He threw up both hands, and she was glad she was far enough away that she couldn’t smell his emotions.
“And here you are, safe and healthy, fine and dandy, going over to your mom’s house to help with the kids.” He closed the distance between them so fast she didn’t even see him move, grown-up, muscled anger now right in her face. “What. The. Fuck, Rachel?”
Her heart was beating like a trip-hammer, but not from fear. “What the fuck? You think I’m here because I want to be? You think a street kid from Detroit wants to be stuck in the fucking wilderness? Away from my family, my friends, everything I ever loved? Did it occur to you that I might be here to protect my family? I’m an owl, Dalvin. Not a big, powerful alpha owl like you—I’m a tiny, unpredictable three-day owl who has no say over when she shifts or what she does when she’s shifted. I eat fucking mice and bunnies, Dalvin.
“Do you ever hunt down little animals because you can’t stop yourself? Have you ever woken up a hundred feet up in a tree, on a branch, buck-ass naked, unable to remember how you got there, covered in your own nasty-smelling vomit that’s filled with the bones of creatures you apparently ate the night before? Huh? Or do you get to change whenever you want, eat whatever food you want, and remember what human words mean even when you’re wearing feathers?
“Is that what you want my mama to know about? To see?” She was screaming at him now, right in his face, tears flowing down her cheeks. “You want her to fear for her life every full moon, when a three-day owl the size of a fucking condor appears in her house? Or to have to worry about me being in the same house as the nieces and nephews I probably have by now, who would all smell to me like food?
“You want her to have to keep this all secret from the whole family and lie to Auntie Krystal about why the house smells like a zoo because the stink never comes out, and why all the little dogs in the neighborhood are missing?” The words tumbled over each other, coming out as quick as she could catch her next breath. “Yeah, Mrs. Williams took me in after the attack. And yeah, I was traumatized, all right. Maybe you were too. I don’t know how you got changed—but you didn’t ask me how I got turned either.
“And yeah, I call Asylin Mom because she’s taken care of me for the better part of a decade and I owe her my sanity. But she will never be Mama, and she knows that. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t care about my mama, Dalvin Adway. I’d rather she keep looking for the child she lost than find the one those bastard snakes turned me into.”
He stared at her in silence for a long moment; she met his gaze steadily. Then, still without a word, he turned and walked away, past the crowd that had gathered. She hadn’t even noticed the audience until now. She was surprised to see that more than a few of the bystanders were crying.
Now that her own tears had started, she couldn’t seem to make them stop. Unable to move, she just stood there and cried as townspeople slowly closed in around her, hugging her. Mary and Claude, Scott, Bitty, S.Q., and Claire. Even Paula from the diner, who hated Claire because she stole Alek away, stood side by side with the Wolven agent and offered comfort, shutting out the intruder who had made her cry. Hell, maybe they had changed.
Rachel hadn’t cried during her time in the caves or in the terrifying moments after the rescue. She’d never shed a tear during the loneliest times after she’d been brought to Luna Lake on a bus filled with other frightened kids. Not even the horrible nights in the basement of the police station, when the police chief abused her, humiliated her, posed her and took pictures, made her cry.
She was strong, but she’d finally had too much. So the tears flowed. She barely noticed the gentle pats on her arm, the offers of tissues from the people around her. She wept until there were no more tears. Until she was empty.
The sun had nearly set by the time she was able to start toward the Williams house. Her eyes hurt and it was hard to breathe through her nose. But she was done crying.
Rachel wasn’t surprised that the house was barely in view when the front door opened and Asylin Williams came out to wrap arms around her. News traveled fast in a town this size even on a slow day. A full-fledged meltdown would burn up the phone lines.
And though Rachel thought she was done crying, tears fell
again when Asylin said, “I am so proud of you, girl. You’re still alive. You still have your soul.”
She hugged the dark-skinned woman like she desperately wanted to hug her own mama.
Asylin led her inside, an arm around her shoulder. Even the guests seemed to have heard about her screaming match with Dalvin. Iva Kasun, the alpha female of the family, came out of the living room to pat her on the arm as Asylin and Rachel headed toward the kitchen.
“Poor little owl. Is true what they say, ignorance is peace. Sometimes, those who don’t know Sazi exist, they are the lucky ones.”
Asylin shooed everyone away once Rachel was seated in the kitchen. The wide room had always reminded her of the one at her Gramma Bertha’s place, a big, old, rambling house just a few blocks down from her own, much smaller home in Detroit. Was Gramma Bertha still alive? There were so many things she wanted to ask Dalvin, yet so much she feared knowing.
“Does he really think I don’t already feel guilty because my family doesn’t know what happened to me?” She didn’t expect an answer, but Asylin sat down and took Rachel’s hand in hers before responding.
“He’s got to be confused. It must have been pretty big shock to see you here. I think you said the right things. He’ll get it.”
“You know what I told him?” She figured that Asylin would have heard about the fight but not what was specifically said.
She laughed lightly. “Honey, the whole town knows. Every word. You weren’t exactly quiet.”
Rachel dropped her head onto her folded arms. “God. Why didn’t anyone stop me before I made a complete ass of myself?”
Asylin began to gently stroke her hair, which helped a little. At least she didn’t feel like crying anymore. Instead, she just wanted to crawl under a rock.
“You didn’t make a fool of yourself,” her surrogate mother said. “You spoke a great truth. No matter how uncomfortable, it’s a truth we all have to live with. Now, your dad and I made sure nobody outside of the general area heard it. We kept the sound from reaching any human passersby, but you’ve needed to get that out of your system for a long, long time. It’s been like a piece of shrapnel embedded in your heart for ten years. You needed to say it and he needed to hear it.”
“And now he hates me and will probably go back and tell my family I’m dead.”
Asylin sighed. “He might, at that. Is that what you want? For your mama’s pain to have closure?”
Closure.
Hearing that her mom still put flowers on the street corner and that they went into debt searching for her … that made thinking about her family worse somehow. She’d always thought she was protecting them by not contacting them, but maybe she wasn’t.
“You’re a mom. What would you want?”
The older woman leaned back in her chair and let out a slow breath. She ran slender fingers through her shoulder-length, straight black hair, tugging at the ends like she always did when she was thinking hard. Her scent was difficult to sort out, sadness blended with determination and the warm cookie spices of caring, which Rachel was thankful for. “Sweetie, I don’t really know. I’ve had a child go missing and I’ve had a child die.
“They’re different pains. I suppose, if I had to pick, it would be knowing the child was dead. I could at least then imagine that he or she was at peace, not in pain anymore. When children are missing, not knowing what they’re going through is very, very hard. But the greatest joy I’ve ever experienced was when Darrell and Kristy were found. I can tell you—” She shook her head, her eyes shut and a beautiful smile on her face. “Mmm, mmm, oh my. I felt like I’d won the mega-millions lottery and the Nobel Prize that night. I wouldn’t have cared that they were owls, snakes, or demons from Hades. Not that night.”
But that was the problem, right there. Rachel felt her fingers tapping on the table. “But what about in the morning, or a month later? That’s what I’m afraid of. That I’ll raise her hopes, and my papa’s, only to confront them with the reality of living with a demon.” There was a pain deep in her chest when she spoke that great truth Asylin had referred to.
Asylin leaned forward, her breath smelling of mint over raw squirrel meat … which smelled good, while a decade ago it would have horrified her. Another stab in the chest. “That’s the question, isn’t it? My little babies have always been owls or cats or wolves. And John and I have always been Sazi. It’s not a surprise to us. This is our reality. But humans? Well—” She clucked her tongue. “If everyone could accept the Sazi, we wouldn’t have to hide.
“But nowadays, race wars are on the front page of every paper, religious battles on the nightly news. Even people who want to love folks of their own gender aren’t accepted. Shape-shifters? I don’t know that I want us competing for space on Good Morning America or being talked about in congressional subcommittees.”
The owl shifter shook her head again. “This is your family we’re talking about. You know them far better than I ever could. It’s your decision. I wish I could make it for you—I do, because that’s a mother’s job, to make hard decisions for her children when they don’t have the mental or emotional tools. But you’re not a youngster anymore. You have the tools.
“To me, it sounded very much like you’d made a choice when you were talking to that young man. Whether he accepts it…?” She held out her hands and shrugged one shoulder. “Well, that we don’t know.”
“What if he does, Asylin? Tell them, I mean. Even if I don’t want him to.”
That made the older woman let out a snort and smell of hot metal determination. Again, a decade ago, smelling emotions? Telling her mama that she could smell anger or fear would have gotten her a glare and an admonishment to “stop being foolish, child.”
“Oh, believe you me, he’ll be reminded by the Council members that he may not endanger the Sazi, and he’ll be reminded that the rights of an attack victim are sacred. I don’t know these two particular Council members, but I have no doubt they’ll be watching him closely after that little scene and will likely talk to him about his duty as a Wolven agent. I don’t think they’ll let him tell if you don’t want your family to know.”
“I have to think about it. I just don’t know.” Rachel straightened up and deliberately changed the subject. “Until I decide, what do you need help with around here? How are Darrell and Kristy? And Tammy?”
Asylin winked. “Why don’t we go see?” She stood up and crooked her finger for Rachel to follow, then put her finger to her lips. Rachel tiptoed behind her down the back hallway that went under the stairwell. She could hear screeching and laughter coming from not far ahead. Asylin opened the door to the great room just a crack, so they could peek in.
The two younger Williams children were seated cross-legged on the couch, each holding a video game controller. An adult cougar shifter, Tammy, her hair now a brilliant Jell-O green, was in a nearby chair, also gripping a controller. All three were intently watching the television screen, where three brightly colored Mario Karts were racing around a track.
“Ooh, no fair, Darrell!” Kristy complained, hitting him with her free hand. “You can’t push people into the wall.”
“No problem, little sis,” Tammy shouted gleefully. “Got your back!” Then it was Darrell who let out a groan as Tammy’s car sideswiped him, throwing him into the tires. Kristy cheered as her vehicle passed the spun-out cart.
“Ah, man! I was winning!” Darrell complained in a slight whine.
The smile on Asylin’s face as her children played made Rachel smile too. She tapped Asylin on the arm and they retreated before the kids caught them watching. Back in the kitchen, Asylin let out a contented sigh. “They all slept through the night. First time in a month. I pray it happens again. Children are so resilient. I can’t thank Claire or you enough for all your help!”
It was enough to make Rachel blush all the way up to her forehead. “Oh, I didn’t do anything.”
Asylin smelled suddenly of surprise and disbelief. “You did too! Al
l the nights you sang to them, kept them calm? I call that doing something. Sweetie, that beautiful voice of yours tamed the savage beast right out of Tammy and let the others sleep in peace.”
Rachel didn’t know how to respond to that, so she moved on. “So you think no more nightmares for Darrell or Kristy?” Darrell had been trapped in a waking nightmare for days, silently screaming and trying to run from an attacker that had been in his own head. Kristy had been nearly catatonic when they’d rescued her. To see the three of them, playing games like before anything happened … well, it was a blessing.
Asylin shrugged one shoulder. “Oh, there will still be nightmares. Of course there will be. But they’ll fade over time. Like yours did, and Claire’s. Once the bad guys are dead, they’re just memories. I feel more sorry for the kids whose families don’t remember them at all. That has to be hard for everyone. I don’t know what to do to help.”
“I heard about that—the Havens family?”
“Poor boy comes back from captivity to discover his family doesn’t think he ever existed. I would like to have skinned Van Monk alive for that. His mental control made them throw away every picture of that child before he wiped Sammy right out of his parents’ and siblings’ memories … just so nobody would know to come looking for the boy. Three yearbook photos are all that’s left. Makes me furious every time I think about it!”
“I had no idea Monk was that powerful. It never even occurred to me.”
“Well, he wasn’t. Not really. But he was stealing magic from everyone. All of us. No wonder we had so many rogues.” Asylin walked to the refrigerator and took out a pitcher of orange juice. She poured some into a glass already sitting on the counter, took another glass out of the cabinet, filled it, and handed it to Rachel.
“We never had a clue he was sucking on all of our magic to make himself more powerful.” She raised the glass to her lips, then lowered it to say, “And if I hadn’t experienced it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it.”