by Doyle, S
“Can we go to a movie?” she asked like she was asking me for diamonds.
“Not a chick flick,” I said.
“Not a horror film,” she amended.
“Deal,” I grunted.
In the end we saw an action movie. I bought her Milk Duds and myself popcorn. And I held her hand the entire time.
It was without a doubt our first official date and it was pretty fucking great.
* * *
The next day
Olivia
“Come on, you have to at least try it,” Noah urged me. We were at a bar having a drink before we headed back to my house after another perfect day.
We’d gone out for brunch. Then Noah had taken me bowling. I was horrible, he was awesome. Shocking. When the gloating got to be too bad, I threatened him with a night of playing gin rummy instead of sex. He quickly shut up.
Now we were winding down after a dinner of burgers and fries at this dive bar Noah loved. I found I loved it too.
I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t think I’m going to like it.”
He leaned close to my ear. “You tried my cum and you seem to like that.”
“Noah!” My outrage was mostly fake. “Okay, fine.”
I took the glass that had two fingers of deep brown liquid and sipped it gingerly. Fire exploded on my tongue and I immediately started coughing. Which he thought was hysterically funny.
“I knew it! You were trying to trick me.” This time my outrage was real.
“This is top-shelf whiskey,” he argued. “Daniels would be offended at your reaction.”
“I’ll stick to my white wine,” I said.
“You’ve barely touched it,” he pointed out.
“Maybe I want to be sober enough to appreciate all those orgasms you’re going to give me tonight,” I told him. Which wasn’t entirely a lie. But if I was honest with myself, I was also thinking about the prospect of being pregnant. Why that wasn’t freaking me out more, I didn’t know. I only knew there was this calmness inside me. I couldn’t share that with Noah. No doubt, he would freak out that I wasn’t freaking out.
“Yeah, we’re going to break the twenty mark tonight.”
I shook my head at his audacity “I can’t believe you’re still keeping score.”
“My own personal game of pussy rummy.”
“Noah!” Real outrage.
“Hey, speaking of trying new things, maybe now is the time to bring up the subject of anal.”
My jaw dropped. “Noah.” This time I shouted loud enough to have other patrons in the bar look at us.
He chuckled and leaned in to me. “We can start with a little ass play, see if you’re into it.”
“Hard no,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Have I done anything to you that hasn’t felt good?”
“No,” I admitted grudgingly.
He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and I punched his arm.
“Soft no, then,” he said. “And we’ll see where that goes.”
“You’re incorrigible.”
“Yes, but I think you like it.”
He wasn’t wrong.
Still, I had to pretend to be somewhat civilized. “We’re two highly educated people, we should be able to find something else to talk about besides sex.”
“Of course we could but it wouldn’t be as much fun.” He took a sip of his drink then and I could see he was debating whether to say what he was thinking. He obviously came to a conclusion. “There is one thing I wanted to ask you, though. How long do you think you’ll stay at Dyson?”
The question caught me off guard. There had always been a five-year plan. Work with Noah. See what he was doing that was so unique in the North Sea, then move on to a larger oil company.
The goal. The end goal was to run a company of my own. Changing the culture from the inside to prove that clean energy could be as profitable as oil. It wasn’t something I’d ever told anyone before. Mostly because becoming CEO of a large energy company was no easy feat. Doing that as a woman would be even trickier. Some might say impossible.
However, the challenge of doing just that had always motivated me.
“What makes you think I plan to leave?” I asked, dodging answering for now.
“I saw how you were the other day in that meeting, Liv. You didn’t just control the room, you commanded it. You’ve obviously got more potential than being stuck in Hope’s Point. Looking over my work and giving me ideas I probably won’t use. Because we both know my work is flawless. Usually moving up the ladder means moving on to bigger companies. It only makes sense.”
“There is a plan,” I said, twisting my hands together wanting to be honest with him. “Of course I have a plan. I mean, who doesn’t? But that doesn’t really mean anything. Plans get changed all the time when life inserts itself.”
Like if you unexpectedly found yourself pregnant.
“You want to be the boss. Don’t you?”
I nodded, curious how he would handle that. Noah was the definition of a throwback alpha. I wasn’t sure how he would deal with me wanting to be the top dog in business.
“Who doesn’t?” I asked.
He laughed. “Not me. I see the shit Cal deals with and I’m, like, no thanks. Let me do my thing and leave me the hell alone. When you’re the boss, you have to worry about everyone and everything. It’s perfect for you.”
It was silly but I almost choked up a little. “You mean that?”
“Yep. I know you want to think I might have a problem with a female boss, but I wouldn’t. I’ve been known to think like a caveman, but I was raised by a strong woman who taught me how to respect that strength when I find it in anyone. Man or woman.”
“I believe you.” I really did, too. That was the thing about Noah. I might have called him cocky—okay, so he was totally cocky—but that wasn’t born out of bravado. It came from his innate confidence and someone who was that confident in himself would never have an issue with a woman boss. He’d give her as much grief as he would any male boss.
The memory of him facing off against the leadership team two days ago was priceless. Still, it made me wonder what his goals were.
“Do you plan to stay in Hope’s Point forever?”
He took a sip of his whiskey and seemed to consider that. “For now. Not forever. I imagine I’ll want to deal with humanity again. Eventually.”
His answer made me squirm a little bit.
“I don’t want to talk about the future,” I told him. “I would rather focus on the now. We only have one more day together, so let’s focus on that.”
“One more day? You called in sick to work?” he asked obviously surprised.
We’d had the weekend, but tomorrow was Monday. I would have been expected to be in the office.
“Yep. Horrible cold.” I fake-coughed several times to show him my acting abilities.
“You’re a natural. Ever play hooky before?”
I didn’t have to think about it. “Never in my life.”
“See how many things I’m introducing to you. Whiskey, blow jobs, hooky…could anal really be that far behind? No pun intended.”
“Noah!” Real outrage.
* * *
Later that night
Ark
I was making love to her again. We were in her bed that smelled like us now. Twisted up in the sheets. I was slowly sliding in and out of her while we languidly kissed.
She hitched her thigh even higher up my waist and I bent my head to worry her nipple.
“Noah,” she sighed. “It keeps getting better.”
It did. It did keep getting better.
And when I’d exhausted both of us for the second night in a row, I curled her into me and listened as she fell asleep in my arms.
I thought about leaving her Tuesday morning. I thought about going back to camp without her. I thought about how my bed wasn’t going to smell like her. How the hell was I going to be able to sleep?
I th
ought about all those things. And I thought about how she still hadn’t taken the pill.
13
Olivia
I woke up and reached for him only the bed was empty. I rolled onto my back and groaned, thinking how good I felt. Regular sex after going so long without it was good for my body. I felt strong and sated and ready to take on the world.
One more day.
Then he would go back. In a few weeks, I would be expected to fly up there and then what? He’d made it clear he wanted to keep it secret from the men at camp. Sure, Cal, Eli and Jackson knew. There really had been no hiding what we had been doing in that cabin when they showed up. But they were his boys and would have his back. Also, they were not the type of men who would lose respect for a woman just because she chose to have sex with a man.
Where did that leave us? Him flying to Anchorage? Us making sure we stayed in places where we were unlikely to run into anyone who might work for Dyson?
A couple days of sex then he’d leave again?
I frowned. I didn’t want that but acknowledging that meant I had to consider what I did want.
Noah. All of him. I wanted him to be mine. I wasn’t even sure if that was possible for a man like him. He’d already told me. He was thirty-seven and he’d never had a serious relationship with a woman. Work drove him. His passion for his job drove him. Sex drove him.
What about his feelings?
I let out a breath then got out of bed. I threw on a robe and made my way to the kitchen. I could smell the coffee brewing. Noah was over the sink mixing something in a bowl.
He wore jeans and a gray thermal Henley. His feet were bare, his hair was messy, and I didn’t know if he would ever be mine. It seemed like some big, impossible dream. Sort of like wanting to be CEO of an energy company.
The challenge, however, drove me forward.
“Pancakes,” he said. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said. I sat at my island and watched him work. Then I noticed he’d set a plate for me. With a glass of orange juice and a mug of coffee, already waiting.
I swallowed a lump in my throat even as I took a sip of the orange juice.
When he’d finished stirring the pancake mix, he set the bowl down. He walked over to me and planted a kiss on my lips.
I thought he was more delicious than orange juice.
“Liv, babe.”
“What?” I asked.
That’s when he slid the pill I didn’t want to see from behind the mug of coffee so that it was right in front of me.
I looked up at him then down at the pill.
It was certainly the responsible thing to do. I was a woman on a very aggressive career path. Having a child really didn’t work with that no matter how many people said a woman could have it all these days.
Noah and I weren’t in a relationship. Nothing that was defined anyway. So it wouldn’t be fair to count on him for support. Not when he’d provided the means to prevent the pregnancy. When he’d made his wishes on the matter crystal clear.
If I made this decision, if I went down this path, I had to assume it would be all on me.
I took the pill off the counter and considered all the things I had been thinking about for the past few days. Every pro, every con. All the emotional stuff mixed in with all the practical things, too. In the end it came down to one thing. If I was pregnant with Noah’s baby, I wasn’t going to do something that would put an end to that.
I put the pill down and slid it toward Noah.
“I can’t.”
“Liv—”
“No, I know this sucks for you. And in some ways, it makes me such a hypocrite because I’m constantly talking about how I want to be considered your equal. In this, though, we’re not equal. This is my body, my choice, and I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I’m not taking a pill that could force it not to happen.”
His jaw tightened. “Liv, what happened in that cabin was my responsibility.”
“It was our responsibility,” I corrected him. “Are you going to put the batter on the griddle? If not, I can do that.”
I got up and walked around him. Keeping my hands busy by spooning out perfectly round circles on the buttered griddle. My heart was racing, afraid of what came next. How he would feel about my decision. I knew it was emotional. I knew it might even seem irrational to him.
I also knew how relieved I felt. For the first time since he’d brought up the subject.
In your gut, you know this is the right call for you.
And it was. Which helped to brace me for any argument he might make.
“You’re not thinking about what this means. You’re not considering you might actually be pregnant, that there could be a baby as a result of this decision.”
There, he was dead wrong. I’d had nothing but days to think about what this might mean.
“Seattle,” I told him.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
I flinched at the anger in his tone, but I wouldn’t be intimidated. I turned to face him.
“I would head home to Seattle. My parents would be thrilled to be part of my child’s life. They are both retired and would be amazing caregivers while I work. I have a bunch of contacts in that area, so finding a job wouldn’t be difficult. You and I both know the pay for working up here is significant. So I have a nice savings that, if added to properly, over the years could amount to a solid college fund.”
I watched him process what I was saying but, in the end, he was speechless.
“You think I haven’t thought about this?” I asked him. “You think I would make a decision like this lightly? You think I would alter the course of my life…for the fuck of it?”
It wasn’t fair, but I could feel myself getting angry. Like this should have been something he would know about me, but he didn’t.
“No,” he fired back. “I don’t think you would take something like this lightly that’s why I don’t understand why you’re doing it. Or not doing it Did you want to be pregnant? That one time when you asked me to finish inside you, was that what you wanted to happen?”
I shook my head. “No. This wasn’t some kind of plan or trap. I’d never really thought about children. Not in any serious way. Then I had unprotected sex and the second that happened, I started thinking about the consequences. Only consequences felt like the wrong word to use. Like it was this negative thing. When inside I thought…if I was pregnant, it would be a blessing. A tiny miracle. Which is why I can’t end it with a pill.”
“And what the fuck am I supposed to do?”
I turned my back to him and flipped the pancakes. My hands were trembling, so I took a deep breath to steady myself. That calmness that I’d felt all weekend long was gone in the face of his anger. Still, I knew it was the right decision.
“You don’t have to do anything,” I said. “I told you this is my choice.”
“Your choice? That’s my kid!”
I moved the pancakes off the griddle and turned off the heat. Then I walked the plate to the island and sat again.
“If you wanted to be part of the child’s life, I wouldn’t stop you,” I said hopefully reasonably. “I’m only saying you wouldn’t have any obligation. If I am pregnant, which is a big if by the way, then we could draw up legal documents laying out your rights and absolving you of any financial responsibility.”
“Legal documents? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”
He was standing in the middle of the kitchen, hands on his hips, outrage written all over his face. I had to move around him to get to the cabinet for the syrup.
“What are you doing?” he shouted at me.
I pulled out the syrup and showed it to him. “Can’t have pancakes without syrup.”
“Liv! I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.”
I went back to my stool and sat. “I understand you’re upset—”
“Upset? I’m freaking the fuck out.” He came around the island and trapped me against it, his
arms on either side of me, his chest pressing into my back. Then he bent and I could feel his breath on my ear. I tried not to shiver.
“Liv,” he said softly. “We’ve got…something here. You and I both know that. It’s like you said last night, it just keeps getting better. Why ruin that?”
I had to swallow another lump. “I don’t want to. But honestly, Noah, I don’t know what we have. Sure sex, I know that.”
“It’s more than sex,” he said. “I want to spend time with you in and out of bed. That’s not just sex.”
I swung around and cupped his scruffy cheeks in my hands.
“I know that’s a lot for you. I know it is. And I…I like you so much. I don’t want this to end right now either, but I also don’t know where it can go. So you can’t ask me to give up the chance of a baby, who might be the love of my life, for something you’re not really sure of either.”
He dipped his head and sighed.
When he raised it again, I could see the struggle in his eyes. “I can’t make you do something you don’t want to do.”
“Nope.”
He pulled away from me then. “I should go. I can’t…I need to think…I can’t…”
“You do what you need to do,” I said. Even though it made me sad he felt he needed to leave.
He made his way down the hallway to the bedroom and a few minutes later he was back with his overnight bag and his boots on.
“Sure you don’t want some pancakes before you leave? You went to all this effort,” I said, trying to keep my voice as light as possible.
He tossed his duffel bag on the floor like he was angry with it and came at me in a blink. His hand behind my neck, lifting me to his kiss. It was hard and maybe a little angry, but it was also Noah, so it was amazing.
“You drive me fucking crazy, Liv,” he said when he finally pulled away.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ll call you,” he said even as he grabbed his duffel and headed out the door. I didn’t ask him where he was going. He had a phone so he could Uber or a call a cab. I wasn’t even sure if he was heading back to Hope’s Point or would stay in Anchorage for the day like he planned.