by Ava Lohan
He furrowed his brow.
I forced myself not to look at his erection since he was staring straight at me. “I mean, have you always lived here or did you move here recently?”
I thought that maybe, before his grandfather died, he had lived a normal life. I knew it was unlikely, that he’d probably already been at Lust when we met, that he had already been selling his body like he did now. But despite all this, a small part of me wanted to believe in the fairy tale, that Kegan had to sacrifice himself to please his dying grandfather. It was a stupid part of me, for sure, that also wished that deep down, inside that perfect body, there was a heart that felt real human emotions. That part of me wanted to prove Lexi wrong again, and it was difficult to annihilate.
I was a colossal idiot, and he confirmed it.
“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe it.” He laid his palm on his forehead. “We’re about to have sex, and you’re asking me random questions about my life?”
I couldn’t tell if he was confused or mad. I didn’t know what his problem was. I was pissed. I didn’t like being a sex doll for someone I didn’t know anything about. I would have to be with him for two weeks—the least he could do was tell me something about himself. Maybe this wasn’t exactly the best time to chat, but I couldn’t foresee a better opportunity. Things between me and Kegan would always be like this. We would only meet for sex. Even if the truth was hard for me to swallow, I didn’t see what difference it made if I asked today or tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow I could end up in some client’s bed, since according to his letter, I was now an employee here as well.
“My life doesn’t concern you.” He held my angry gaze without flinching.
I was the first to look away.
“Now, open your legs real wide.”
He smiled mischievously in the dim light as he stroked himself with one hand. He was so arrogant, so presumptuous and hateful. If I’d had any common sense, I would’ve insulted him and left, leaving him hanging. But my body couldn’t. My body took control, becoming even wetter, leaving me the victim of an uncontrollable desire, not at all offended by his words.
But still, I didn’t obey him. I didn’t move my legs an inch, forcing him to do it on my behalf.
A shockwave went through my body as Kegan crawled over me, completely naked. I could feel him on top of me, then inside me. It was incredible. I could’ve never imagined that sex could be so intense. His every touch made my body come alive. Sex with Paul had been nice, but with Kegan, it was Heaven on Earth. It was like reaching Eden without praying to God, but praying that the man on top of me would take me there and let me stay forever. He didn’t kiss me this time. He lifted one of my knees and held it to his side. I clasped his face between my hands but didn’t pull him closer, though I was dying to feel his mouth on mine, our tongues entwined. Fearing he would reject me, I avoided the risk.
I couldn’t help but observe his face. His eyes stared into mine as he pushed in and out. I didn’t want to miss a single expression. He thrust into me, stronger, more powerful, deeper with every stroke. It was brutal. Painful. But I liked it. The sounds he made were the most beautiful and seductive in the world. Kegan’s breath grew increasingly labored. With Paul, I had been silent. With Kegan, I had no control over the moans coming from deep within me. Suddenly, the heat inside me went supernova, sending spasms of pleasure all over my body. He, too, began to shake above me. I felt his shudders. Finally, he collapsed onto me, resting his forehead on mine. I stroked his arms.
The lust in his eyes gave way to satisfaction. “I don’t think I can ever get enough of you,” he said, still deep inside me.
I didn’t let it go to my head, considering the circumstances, but I couldn’t deny the tingling feeling in my stomach. We both knew it would soon be over between us, yet I liked hearing those words.
Kegan pulled away and ran his hand through my hair. “Why do you want to take your vows?”
Moments from my two years in the convent flashed before my eyes, mixed in with scenes from my life before. Paul and I together at Jacksonville Beach. Jenna. The accident. I avoided his eyes and allowed myself to be lulled by his touch, even though it could never erase the pain of the past, the pain I felt every time I remembered those days, the ones I couldn’t let myself forget. I couldn’t understand why it mattered to him. Why did he care so much? I could’ve told him it was my calling. That should’ve put an end to his questions. Maybe it would have stopped him from asking, despite his obvious interest. I could have, but I didn’t.
“My life doesn’t concern you.” I used his own words against him.
He pulled his hand away.
Chapter Eight
It had been two days since I’d last seen him. I had spent both the morning and the afternoon hiding in my room like a recluse. I prayed for myself and for my sisters. I asked God for forgiveness. I waited in vain for a call or a knock on the door from Kegan.
Like a teenager suffering through her first crush, I spent all my time fantasizing about him. I thought about the two times we’d been together. I remembered his kisses, his body. And I remembered his cold, cruel words.
My life doesn’t concern you.
Every time those words echoed through my mind, I came back down to Earth and clutched my crucifix. I never took it off, not even in the shower. Kegan Anderson wasn’t Paul Gilbert. Paul was definitely an ass who had taken advantage of my feelings for him, but this time was different. This time I was up against someone much worse. Kegan Anderson had built his life around sex—it defined his lifestyle. And falling for someone like that was truly the stupidest thing I could do. Lexi was right.
Not seeing him both pained me and gave me a sense of relief.
If he’d had any pity for my body or soul, he would have left me alone. Then I could have gone back to Saint Clare with only two amazing nights of sex to confess and my heart still intact. I wasn’t in love with him, but I was worried it could happen. I was terrified. Unlike him, I had a heart, and sometimes it was unbelievably stupid.
I started having lunch and dinner with the other employees. We were all served and taken care of as if we were vacationing in a harmless luxury resort. Maybe that’s what Lexi, Tereza and the rest of the “entertainment” staff liked. They were treated like princesses, but the only difference between them and street walkers was their place of work and their salary, which I imagined was generous.
In those two days without Kegan I learned that he never ate in the dining hall. He just stayed holed up in his apartment until someone requested him or he felt like coming down, neither of which happened for two days.
“Maybe the beast has the flu,” said a girl that I didn’t know, sitting on the other side of the table.
I kept eating with my eyes glued to my plate. Every bite was more difficult to swallow than the one before. The only reason I joined them for meals was to hear them talk about Kegan. Thanks to the Lust employees, I had gotten to know him a bit better. For example, I learned that sometimes he liked to disappear in one of his luxurious cars for days, leaving Finn to manage Lust. I learned that Lust had an employee gym, but Kegan preferred working out in his personal gym on the top floor. The only other people who had seen it were the cleaning staff. This last bit of information came from a middle-aged waiter who loved gossiping between courses.
“Nobody has seen any cars leaving his garage,” a man said.
“Yesterday he went running,” a familiar voice replied.
I looked up. It was Tereza, shooting daggers at me.
“We had lovely talk,” she added, underlining lovely with her strange accent, flashing me a smirk.
It was clear that she intended to hurt me with her words. I couldn’t tell if “talk” was code for “romp.” Someone laughed, maybe assuming my second hypothesis. I squeezed my fingers around my silverware until my knuckles turned white. I was annoyed. I wasn’t sure if I was more upset about the thought of them talking—when he clearly had no intention of talking to me—or the thoug
ht of them sleeping together. I chugged down my glass of water.
Tereza kept her eyes on me as she sipped on a glass of wine. I looked away to prevent myself from boiling over. I shouldn’t have cared one bit, but unfortunately I did. Not only did Tereza know it, but she used it to hurt me even more. Was I really so easy to read?
Probably, I thought, grimacing.
Even though Tereza and I were only a year apart in age, we couldn’t have been more different. She was incredibly sensual, and I bet she was an undisputed sex goddess between the sheets, or she soon would be. I was just a novice and a liar who had made up a bunch of stories about sexual experiences to impress her friends, which only backfired in the end.
The fact that Kegan would want anything to do with me was something that I couldn’t even begin to understand. And judging by the looks I got from everyone here, I wasn’t the only one who had trouble comprehending. But now the fun was over, and everyone was relieved. The novelty of spending a night with me had lost its charm and Kegan Anderson was once again the same old boss that his employees had come to know. The one who charged for his services. The beast, as they all called him.
I could feel my eyes burning. Maybe it was tears threatening to roll down my cheek, or the bright lights. I tried in vain to convince myself it was the second.
I thought he had grown tired of me. I surely wasn’t the only one to think so.
Lexi, Tereza, and the other girls beamed with satisfaction. Everyone at the table knew that Kegan hadn’t called me in two days. Now all that was left to wonder was how I would spend my time here before going back to the convent. I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if they’d taken bets, especially Finn and his friends. Finn’s spot at the table was empty—he’d excused himself to take a phone call. He stood near the door, his eyes glancing in my direction. I could see his lips moving but he was too far away to make out what he was saying. He shook his head more than once and even rolled his eyes.
He raised a hand to his forehead as he finished his call and motioned for me to join him. I stood up nervously. All eyes were now on me, all conversations halted. The room was deafeningly silent as I walked toward him. When I finally reached Finn, I felt like I had just walked the red carpet completely naked. I had no idea what he wanted. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to get out of that room as soon as possible.
“Come with me.”
I followed him, trying to keep up with his long strides in my trusty sneakers. We walked down the hallway and stopped in front of a door. He pulled out a magnetic keycard.
“What’s going on?” I tried probing him for information but it was useless. As soon as we were both in the room, he asked me to close the door. I could only oblige. He took a package from the desk in the middle of the room, which must have been an office. He had a strange look on his face that I couldn’t quite make out. I was worried I had made a mistake and was now in trouble.
“It’s from the boss,” he said, tossing the package in my direction like it was a basketball. I didn’t move in time and it fell to the floor. I had no idea what it could be, but it couldn’t have been fragile considering Finn’s delivery. I stared at the bag without picking it up.
“What is it?”
“He said he left it here a while ago, for you,” he continued, ignoring my question.
I continued analyzing his strange expression as I looked at him, then the package.
“I think you should get out of here immediately,” he suddenly blurted out.
I was taken aback. Was he worried for me?
I slipped my hands into my pockets and shifted my weight from one foot to the other like I always did when I was nervous, even before my days in the convent. I could have told Finn about Saint Clare, about why I couldn’t follow his suggestion.
“I can’t,” was all that I revealed.
“Rose, I know all about the convent. I know about the contract,” he replied, shocking me.
My mouth dropped open.
“And I also know what Kegan is planning,” he continued, shaking his head and running a hand through his short hair. “He is so hardheaded. Once he decides to do something, it’s almost impossible to get him to change his mind.”
I was surprised to hear him talking about Kegan on a personal level. Like he was Kegan’s friend and not just another employee. He took a couple of steps toward me until the only thing separating us was the package at our feet.
“I told him it was an idiotic plan, and I haven’t changed my mind. But he won’t listen.”
He paused and kneeled down to pick up the package.
“You can’t leave on your own, but I know how to get you out of Lust without any problems. I’ll take you myself.”
His eyes, flashing with urgency, and the tone of his voice scared me.
“But then, the convent…”
Finn didn’t let me finish. “I’m his only friend in the world. Fuck. I’ll make him listen and take care of this convent situation.” He handed the package over to me as if it were a bomb. “Open it,” he urged me.
My hands shook as I untied the knot. The red paper fell to the floor. My heart jumped into my stomach.
“The rest is in your room. In your suitcase.”
My head started to spin, and I thanked God I was leaning against a wall. Money. My hands were full of money. Stacks of hundred-dollar bills with rubber bands around them, each as wide as my fist. I had no idea how much it was, and I didn’t want to find out. I felt dirtier than ever as I looked at the stacks of bills between my fingers. And there was even more in my suitcase. I was horrified, my face couldn’t hide it. I let out a gasp.
Kegan had paid me. Paid me for the two times we were together. This money was in exchange for my body.
“I don’t want it,” I spat out, pushing the stacks into Finn’s chest until he took them from me. “What is this all about?” I asked furiously, taking out my rage on Kegan’s friend and accomplice. “I am getting paid like some kind of prostitute, and you’re here playing the part of the worried friend who is going to bust me out of Lust before I have the chance to see his fucking face again?” Now I was yelling. I had lost all control.
“That son of a bitch,” I murmured, well aware that Mother Superior and my sisters would be ashamed to hear me talking like this.
I let out a stream of swear words. I knew I should try to contain myself, but it was no use. Rage-filled tears streamed down my face. I dried them with the back of my hand. Finn began to deny the evidence, saying that I didn’t understand, that I couldn’t understand. That I’d completely misunderstood his offer to help me. I was the one who couldn’t understand? His words only made me angrier. I held out my arms impatiently.
“All right,” I cut him off. “I’ll go, but I’m not touching a single one of these bills. And I’m not leaving without talking to Kegan first.”
I refused to walk away from Lust without seeing him one last time, without telling him how disgusting he and his money were. He really was a beast. How on earth did I fantasize about him these past two days? Lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I’d wondered if maybe—just maybe—he didn’t actually like being here and wanted a different life. I’d wondered if he’d had strong feelings for me that nobody else had ever made him feel. And while I was fantasizing about all this, what was he doing? He was contemplating how much money it would take to get me to go away.
“I’m sorry, Rose, that’s not possible. If you agree to leave with me, you can never see him again.” Finn wouldn’t budge, but neither would I.
“Tell me where he is. Now. I am not leaving this place without seeing him.”
“No,” he insisted.
We could have gone on like this for days. Neither of us was going to back down.
Finally, Finn broke. “Listen, Rose. He doesn’t know that I want to get you out of here. If you go and tell him about the plan, then it’s off.”
I looked at him, perplexed.
“Taking you away from he
re was my idea. The boss has other plans.”
I still didn’t understand. What was all the money for then? Wasn’t that Kegan’s way of convincing me to leave?
Finn waited for me to respond, arms crossed. He didn’t seem to have much patience. I was conflicted. Going now with Finn without asking for an explanation was probably the best option. I wanted to leave, obviously, but not like this. If I were to go now, like this, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I had to see Kegan again and tell him that I didn’t want his money, that he could keep it and stick it where the sun don’t shine, that I was no prostitute.
It was like Kegan Anderson had driven over my dignity with a tractor. My legs were weak. My bones ached. I felt broken. It was already hard for me to live with the fact that I’d enjoyed letting him use me, that I’d missed his touch these past two days.
I was ready to inform Finn of my decision. “I can’t leave like this.”
He didn’t blink an eye or tell me about Kegan’s plans to get me to change my mind. I didn’t even bother asking; it was obvious he wouldn’t tell me. If he were going to, he would have done it by now to convince me to go back to the convent earlier than I’d planned.
“Are you sure you want to stay at Lust?” he asked, looking me over with a seriousness I never would have imagined him capable of.
I nodded.
He shrugged and handed me back the money. “Then the beast will destroy you.”
“If you’re supposed to be his friend, why do you call him that?”
He pursed his lips together in thought. “I’ve known Kegan since our college days in England. That’s what everyone called him the first time he brought me here. He doesn’t mind. He knows what he is.”
I thought he was done speaking and turned to walk away as the words he will destroy you echoed in my mind like a bad omen. I reached for the door handle, the money weighing my arm down.
“He uses his looks and charm as weapons to seduce people and make money. A lot of money. His grandfather made him the main attraction here, and he still is today. And Rose...” he fell silent. I turned to face him. “If you do stay, don’t fall in love with the beast.”