by Ava Lohan
Voices outside the library caught my attention. Just then, my cell phone vibrated and I picked it back up.
Just seven more days! I can hardly sleep. I can’t wait for us to take our vows together. Seven days, Rose, and we’ll be real brides of Christ.
I grimaced. I could feel Sara’s genuine enthusiasm through her messages. She was so excited. Was I?
I leaned back in my chair and glanced at the book I had pulled from the shelf for the afternoon. Only seven days until my vows—I should have been beaming with happiness.
So why did I feel absolutely nothing?
I couldn’t believe that it had only taken a week to unravel the past two years of my life, to destroy the goal I had set for myself. I wanted to be a nun. Or at least, that’s what I kept telling myself as I tried to cling to the sense of peace I felt when I thought about giving myself to God. That is, before I crossed paths with Kegan Anderson again. Now, because of him, everything felt so distant. My future was like a mirage disappearing into the desert. I had chased it for so long, and now it was vanishing before my very eyes. The image I had of myself at the convent, my hair covered with a veil, became more transparent with every day. In its place was a beautiful body and a piercing pair of green eyes. Kegan could be the end of me. How could I get him out of my head? No matter what I did, he was the only thing on my mind.
I held my crucifix in my hand and felt empty. I let it go and sighed. It wasn’t like that day, after I met him in the confessional, when I fantasized about him and who he could be. When I thought he was only making up stories to shock me, and everything was all in my head. I had pictured him naked so many times and even thought about what it would be like to kiss or sleep with him. But they were just thoughts, nothing more, nothing that could have cast a shadow on my soul or destroyed my dream of becoming a nun. But now, everything I had imagined had come true—even the unthinkable parts—and everything was different. I was different. I was alone on a dangerous path and there were no escape routes. Kegan had become the owner of my body and the neurons that refused to concentrate on anything but him.
Now, while visiting the library for the first time, I imagined our bodies together. And like all the times before, blood rushed to my head and made me dizzy. I looked down, allowing my long bangs to cover one eye. I didn’t respond to Sara; I was too upset and I didn’t know what to tell her. That maybe I wasn’t meant to spend my whole life in a convent? Is that what my parents really wanted for me?
I want to give you an alternative. I thought about Kegan’s words. Maybe there really was something else out there for me. I swept my bangs out of my eyes and picked up the book. No. There was no life for me outside of the convent. I wouldn’t turn back. I had sworn on my parents’ graves that I would make them proud, and I knew that giving myself to God was the only way. I definitely couldn’t make them proud in a place like this.
I heard the door open but kept my eyes on the book. I tried my best to ignore the sound of heels making their way across the room, and to concentrate on the pages. I’d never been much of a reader. I’d spent my teenage years at cheerleading practice and at the mall, looking for rules to break. Like trying to get older guys to buy me drinks, for example.
“So, you’re still here.”
Lexi was standing right behind me, her strong, sensual perfume giving her away before her voice.
“Yep. I bet you’re surprised.”
She walked around the other side of the table and sat down in front of me. Tapping her nails on the wood and staring at me, she was making it impossible for me to read. “Interesting choice—the ending is sad, though.”
I grimaced. “Good, then at least it’s realistic.”
My comment amused her. She laughed. I was instantly annoyed. She was truly incapable of minding her own business. After four lines, I closed the book and threw it down on the table. It slid across the surface, nearly hitting Lexi’s hand.
“What do you want?” It came out harsher than I had intended, but I didn’t apologize. She didn’t like me; by now that was blatantly clear. We studied each other. I was trying to understand why on earth she was here.
“How long did it take you to fall in love with him? One day? Or was it two?”
I stiffened. Her words were like bullets. Lexi had taken aim for my heart and fired away. I stared at the table between us.
“I’m not in love with him.”
I said it every day. I didn’t love him. I liked him. It was impossible not to obsess over him, but I wasn’t in love. Lexi and Finn had to stop getting these ideas into their heads. When Kegan was naked, I could stare at his body forever. His touch killed me, then brought me back to life just to give the final blow. I had never experienced a kiss as intense as his, nor would I ever again. But, no. It wasn’t love. Kegan was just a surprise detour on my path to becoming a nun. An unexpected, unwanted, and painful part of my journey that was now proving to be dangerous to my salvation. Any reaction I had to him was merely due to his physical appearance and his magnetism. Kegan was a spectacle for the eyes, like a film on the silver screen. He was a masterpiece and I was his spectator. But like any movie, this too had to come to an end. Seven days. I couldn’t love him; I didn’t know anything about him. He was distant, like a hedgehog curled up in his own darkness. Nobody was invited in—or at least, I wasn’t invited in. I was just a plaything. His current favorite sex toy. And in one week he would throw me away.
Lexi’s eyes weighed on me like a boulder. I picked at my nails nervously. Kegan Anderson was like a virus who had taken control of my body. Once I was back at the convent, prayer would be my medicine. I made the mistake of looking at Lexi’s face. She flashed me a smile, as if she’d already come to a conclusion. I hid my shaking hands in my lap, but continued to rip at my cuticles.
“I like him,” I said, catching her attention. “But I’m not in love with him.”
“I told you that you should have left,” she said as she lit a cigarette.
“I’ll be here a bit longer,” I reassured her.
She raised her eyebrows and exhaled. “What’s your story?”
“My story?”
“Yeah,” she said, losing her patience. “You’re a nun, right? So what the hell are you doing here?”
She drew a circle in the air with her cigarette before bringing it to her lips. The smell of smoke wafted in my direction. I breathed it in, following its trail. It reminded me of Kegan. I concentrated on Lexi’s smoke as she waited for me to speak. I thought back to my relationship with smoking. I had started secretly smoking when I was sixteen. Jenna said I’d never be able to quit. But I did. Maybe it was the shock of losing my parents or a willpower I never knew I had. A strength I would have to use again to drive Kegan out of my head. I only had to survive another seven days. Then I could start removing him from my mind and building an impenetrable bubble around myself, just like he had. A bubble that not even the sharpest knife could pierce. His smell, his voice, his face: I would become numb to it all, much like I was to the sound coming out of Lexi’s mouth. It was no longer attractive, it was annoying. I could do it. I might have been blinded by his charm, but in just seven days, I would regain my sight.
“He and I have an agreement.”
I decided to tell her the truth. She sat up straight, now granting me her undivided attention.
“I will be his for another seven days, then I’ll go back to the convent.”
“Why?” she asked, totally perplexed.
I fidgeted nervously. “I‘m here because it’s the only way to save the convent and my sisters.” I would have never guessed it, but talking about it with someone—even someone like Lexi—made me feel a little better. “Kegan inherited the convent. He agreed to leave it to us only if I came here for two weeks.”
“An agreement,” she repeated. “That explains the special treatment then.”
She looked at me like she was choosing her next words carefully.
“Part of my job is looking after n
ew arrivals. I take care of the women, Finn takes care of the men. But for you, I never received any orders, except to show you your room when you got here,” she explained, shrugging. “It never works like that. If someone stays, I know.”
She paused for a long time, her cigarette suspended in mid-air, as if she had forgotten she had it in her hand. Then, she brought it to her mouth.
“I used to work in a mini-market. Then it closed down. I refused to lose my son to social workers, so I started working at night.”
She looked around to see if anyone could hear, but all that surrounded us were books.
“My neighbor watched my son, and I spent the nights out on the streets, making a hundred bucks here and there. Then one night, I met a really rich client and he brought me here. He wanted to have a threesome with someone who worked here. While he was at the selection desk, I was lucky enough to run into the boss. A few days later, Kegan called me. I think he must have remembered me because I was crying. He felt bad for me and wanted to offer me a better life.”
She shrugged again. “That was three years ago. Now Andy’s ten. He goes to a private school. I call him every day and see him on weekends. I’ll get out of here in a few years—my son will never know anything. I’ve put away enough money to never work another day in my life. Now I’m saving up for him to go to college.”
I tried to take in what she’d just said. I rested my elbows on the table and stroked my chin. Kegan saw a girl in tears and gave her an opportunity to work in an exclusive paradise? I frowned and looked up at Lexi.
“Why would he do that?”
My voice betrayed my skepticism. Lexi’s perfectly made-up eyes narrowed.
“Because he likes to give people opportunities. Maybe because he never had one,” she said with a smile, offering no further explanation.
I had no idea what she meant. Kegan was no prisoner. If he’d wanted to, he could’ve left Lust and made a living elsewhere. It didn’t matter if his grandfather had made him the main attraction—his grandfather was dead. Kegan had so many alternatives available, if only he were to consider them. I, on the other hand, was his prisoner. Kept behind bars. And, unlike him, I didn’t have a choice—unless, of course, I were to forget about the agreement, disappoint Mother Superior, and force my sisters out of the convent. My stomach turned again just thinking about it.
“Has he done this for anyone else?”
I thought about Tereza with her accent and strange word choices that made it obvious she wasn’t American.
“Of course,” she answered, without elaborating.
I grabbed a lock of hair and twirled it in my fingers. My brain was trying to process it all.
“So, why do you call him a beast?” I had trouble understanding his nickname in light of this new information. “Why do you call him that if he’s given you a better life?”
“The ability to provide opportunities doesn’t mean that he has feelings.” She looked at me allusively. “Don’t kid yourself. You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. And Kegan Anderson will not be saved by anyone.”
Chapter Eleven
“Truth or dare?”
The bottle stopped between me and Jenna.
“Truth or dare?” she repeated, smiling at me.
I pushed my hair behind my ear and thought. I definitely didn’t want to do a dare. Jimmy had chosen dare and he’d had to run totally naked into the freezing water, and I really didn’t feel like stripping down in front of everyone, even if it was dark out. I watched the fire flicker in front of us—it felt warm on my body. Paul and some other guys were there too, but far enough away to not notice what was going on. They were too busy laughing and drinking.
“Truth,” I blurted out.
Lynn passed me a joint and I handed it off without taking a hit. I wanted to take my turn before I got high.
“Who did you have the best sex of your life with?”
The question came quickly, as if Jenna had been wanting to ask me all night. The other girls giggled and a drunk Lynn stumbled off to talk to the guys.
“I…. I….” I followed Lynn with my eyes, praying that she wasn’t going to ask them to join us around the fire. I thought I might go crazy trying to think of what to say. A knot formed in my throat as my worst nightmare came true and the guys joined our circle around the fire.
“Whose turn is it?” Paul asked as he sat down next to Jenna, right in front of me.
“Rose’s. I just asked her who her best lay was,” she said, kissing him on the lips.
I dug my fingers into the sand. Oh, I would have preferred to be buried alive than to answer that question. Paul smiled at me. The heat radiating from the bonfire was no match for my boiling skin. Everyone was silent, waiting for me to speak. I could have strangled that idiot Lynn for not keeping her mouth shut.
My heart beat faster and faster. Everyone was waiting for me to answer. Paul was waiting for me to answer. I had no idea what to do. Make up even more bullshit or be honest? I avoided his gaze.
“I need a drink. Why don’t we go to that bar around the block?”
My attempt at distraction failed: nobody stood up.
“Rose, we’re not going to wait for you all night,” Jenna teased, brushing me with the stick she had been using to draw in the sand just moments before.
Lynn passed me her half-empty can of beer. I chugged it down and cleared my throat.
“With nobody,” I confessed.
In the end, I had gone with the truth.
“Don’t bullshit us,” Lynn slurred, pushing me by the shoulder.
I made eye contact with Jenna and silently pleaded with her, but from the look on her face, I could tell that she didn’t believe me either. And yet, it was the truth. For the first time in years, I wasn’t lying.
“I’ve been lying about all the sex.” I squeaked out, softer than a whisper. “I was just trying to impress you.”
I sucked down the last drops of beer in the can, threw it into the darkness and reached for Jenna’s cousin’s can. It was the most humiliating moment of my life. Comparatively, running into Malcolm at Aldon High School two days after losing my virginity to him in the back of his car had been a piece of cake.
Jenna burst out laughing. Her cackle drowned out the sound of the ocean. It felt like a slap in the face.
“It’s the truth,” I said, standing up.
The air became tense. Everyone was staring at me.
“I believe her,” Paul said, trying to lighten the mood.
I eyed the can in my hands before taking another drink. I could feel the alcohol going to my head and fanning the burning rage in my brain. Had Jenna actually fallen for all that crap I’d said? We’d spent almost every weekend together and every day after school. When I wasn’t with her I was at home. A part of me had always thought that Jenna knew my stories were pure fantasy.
“Please! Rose fucks a guy a week, at least! She meets them online. What about that threesome, Rose? Was that your best? You did do it, right? Or what about that married thirty-year-old?”
I shook my head and crumpled the can in my hand. I had made up the part about the website too. It was all I could think of to get my mind off of what’d happened with Malcolm, like my own little way of erasing him from my memory. I’d made up a few guys before him. Then it had become a sort of a routine with the cheerleaders, back in the locker room after the game. It had just kept going. After practice, the girls would always ask me for new stories, and I was there to oblige them with an endless stream of lies. I’d felt like a narrator of erotic fantasies, passing them off as real life.
“It’s all bullshit,” I groaned. “It started off as a game, then it just got out of control.”
Jenna stood up. “You know, my mom keeps telling me to stop hanging out with you, Rose. Even my parents know what you do.” She pointed the stick at me. “Why do you think I stopped inviting you over? Why do you think I didn’t invite you to the mall?” she continued, pointing at an uncomfortable
Lynn staring at her feet.
Jenna broke the stick in half over her knee. Watching her, I felt my heart cracking down the middle too. As Paul tried to calm her down, everything became clear to me. My best friend had been avoiding me. Tears filled my eyes and my lower lip began to tremble. When I had run into them at the mall the other day, Jenna had said she’d tried to send me a text message, but it must not have gone through. The truth was that she had never sent it at all.
Jenna couldn’t stop. She said her parents were against her coming on this high school graduation trip because they knew I would be here, that maybe even my parents knew but didn’t have the guts to tell me they were ashamed of me.
My stomach twisted in horror as I thought of my mom’s conditions for the trip: that I would start going to Sunday Mass and would volunteer with our church. Jesus. No, no, no. I shook my head with every no. If it were true, how could I ever have the courage to face my parents again? No, it couldn’t be true. My ears refused to listen anymore. I covered them with my hands as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Damn it, Jen. How could you not believe me?”
I didn’t know if I was more angry or desperate; not even my own voice offered me any hints. Her accusations were more painful than the muscle I had torn months ago at cheer practice.
“My mom says that being seen with you will ruin my reputation. And you know what? I think she’s right. You know what Cynthia and Celia called you on graduation day? Rose the cocksucking queen.”
I stared at her in bewilderment. I’d never even done that before.
The whole group huddled around us. None of them said a word. They had heard everything and probably all agreed with Jenna, but nobody had ever had the guts to talk to me about it until now. Why did she have to do this in front of everyone? Why hadn’t she called me out days, months, or even a year ago before I’d let it get out of control?