by Ava Lohan
I sat up, resting my back against the headboard.
“You’re here because I want you,” he said, closing his eyes and taking a drag.
He said it like it was obvious, as if I shouldn’t have doubted it for a second. It felt like he was no longer inhaling the cigarette’s smoke, but rather the air from my lungs. If I had been standing I would have fallen to the ground.
He admitted he wanted me. It wasn’t the first time that day. No, it was the second time that morning, and it was two times too many for my heart to stand. Here it was, taking off into the air, never to come back whole. And Kegan was like a hunter with his finger on the trigger, ready to shoot it down.
He continued smoking his cigarette, not taking his eyes off me for a second. Behind those green irises was an entire universe yet to be discovered. All hidden inside his mind.
“Okay, let’s make a deal.”
Maybe he would pull the trigger now.
“Answer me and you can ask me anything about my life.”
Bang, straight to the heart.
My face reacted to his offer. Kegan’s childlike insistence amazed me. Why was he so interested in my decision to enter the convent? I couldn’t comprehend what was driving him to try to understand my past.
He walked over to the window, smoking and looking outside. He couldn’t have cared less that he was naked and that anyone could see him from the outdoors. Then again, everyone there had already seen him completely nude. They’d all admired and devoured his perfect body with their eyes, just like I was doing now. If my back was perfect, Kegan’s was divine. And his butt kept coming back to mind, teasing me like it had in the past. Bite me, taste me, touch me.
I shook my head, trying to regain control of my brain.
God, I had completely lost my way.
“So?” His voice was worse than beer, distracting me from my impure thoughts about his behind. With just one word, I was completely drunk.
I knew I shouldn’t look at him, not when he was watching me like that, but I had no choice—my eyes were magnetically drawn to his divine body. I did, however, have the strength to stop my eyes from going any lower than his abs. He stared at me intently, his cigarette smoke lingering under my nose. I considered pretending that I wasn’t interested, even if I was bursting with curiosity inside. A part of me wanted to see how he would react if I said I didn’t care. But I decided to repress the urge and let him win.
“I did it for my parents,” I said, my voice shaking. I refused to look him in the eye and instead focused all my attention on the dress on the ground.
But the bright red reminded me of blood, of that night. I took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together. I needed to tell the story of my horrible life without crying, without being affected by the emotions that flooded my mind every time I thought about my family, my best friend, and that night on the beach. It wasn’t easy. Not in the least. For more than a year, I’d done my best to avoid the topic, even with Father Abel. I’d learned to live with the weight of the guilt. I did try to talk about it with Father Abel once, but he’d just attempted to convince me that it wasn’t my fault that my parents were dead, that it was God’s will. He clearly didn’t understand and I quickly grew tired of trying to get it through his head that the accident had nothing to do with God and everything to do with me.
I put on a brave face and began telling Kegan my story. I didn’t, however, mention Malcolm or the lies. If I was going to explain how I ended up at the convent, I would at least keep the most embarrassing parts to myself. I touched on the fight on the beach with Jenna without going into too much detail, before getting to my crush on Paul and my disappointment in discovering who he really was.
Kegan didn’t make any comments or move an inch from where my eyes had left him. Not a single sound or word left his mouth, making me feel like a crazy person just talking to myself. I took a deep breath. It was time to tell him about the promise I’d made to my mom, and then the accident. My voice shook. My eyes did their best to hold back tears. I told him every last detail without once looking his way, knowing that he had not for one moment taken his eyes off me, and that he was studying my every expression.
Silence. My heart raced. More silence.
The smell of smoke was gone from the room. I looked up for a fraction of a second and noticed he no longer held a cigarette. I looked back at the dress.
“It wasn’t your fault.” He spoke, finally. And what he had said disappointed me. I would have preferred for him to say anything else—instead, he said this.
I clenched my jaw and stiffened up. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t your fault. I felt like I was back in the confessional with Father Abel. Their voices, their same affirmations—they were making my head burst. I covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear another word. I wanted to change subjects. Either that or dash out of the room. I decided to go with the first option, even if it was the most difficult of the two.
“Now, tell me something about you.”
“You decided to become a nun because you called home? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. You do get that, right? Anyone in your position would have done the exact same thing to avoid spending another day with an idiot and his girlfriend.” Kegan was stunned. I could feel him moving. “I knew there was some kind of fucked up motivation behind all of this, not faith. I knew it.”
My face went pale. I couldn't believe it. Kegan was acting like he was the one who had the right to be angry. And from the expression on his face… dear Lord, he was furious. I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore and buried my hands under the sheets.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I couldn’t stand the idea of staying on this topic with him, or with anyone else. My voice had never sounded so irritated, but he either didn’t notice or wasn’t paying any attention.
“And this is what you think your parents wanted for you?” he asked, running his hands through his hair. “Jesus, Rose. It was an accident. Do you understand what that word means? My parents died in an accident too, and you don’t see me trying to become a priest.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. His tone and his words cut like a knife. What did he know about what my parents wanted? While I had often asked myself the same question, he had no right to. Not when all of this was just a game to him. I was just a game. He had no right to interfere with my future and the choices I made. He never should’ve even brought me to this squalid luxury brothel. His aggression brought out the worst in me. And the way he said accident was the straw that broke the camel’s back, throwing me into a fit of rage.
“Who do you think you are?” I screamed as I jumped up from the bed with the sheet wrapped tightly around me. This had been my atonement. The path I had chosen to seek forgiveness for my sins. “Do you think your parents would be happy about what you do?” I burst out.
The hostile expression never left his face, not even for a second. “We’re not talking about my parents.”
I brushed my hair out of my face. Every part of my body was shivering in rage, including my voice. Maybe his lifestyle would seem normal to his family. But not to mine. I shook my head and thought about my parents. So traditional, so dedicated to following rules, to going to church and staying away from boys like Kegan. My father had warned me about them every single day. Despite everything that’d happened, despite the incident on the beach, they would have preferred a guy like Paul over Kegan. They would have definitely preferred to see me in a convent than with someone like Kegan.
My eyes shot toward him. Kegan Anderson was the embodiment of everything they didn’t want for me. And me, what did I want? It was hard to answer with him standing in front of me naked. He looked at me with an expression that was impossible to read and shrugged his shoulders.
“The convent isn’t the right place for you.” Then he flashed me the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen on a man.
It was not promising.
I thought back to the
Book of Matthew, to the sheep among the wolves. Even if it wasn’t the perfect analogy of my situation, Kegan’s smile made me feel like a sheep. A sheep standing before a wolf. A sheep that had done her best to escape, but the wolf was too smart; he was a predator that knew how to find her and devour her. And that is exactly what Kegan was in that moment—a predator, with a killer smile that only looked innocent.
He took a step forward. I took one back.
He raised an eyebrow and made a face. “Tell me how much you like it, Rose, how much you like being fucked by me.”
Another step backwards. Then another. My heart raced.
“If I had to guess from your screams, I’d say that on a scale of one to ten, you were at ten thousand.”
His challenge left me breathless. As much as I hated to admit it, he was right.
“Do you think your sisters would have given in so easily?” He said, provoking me yet again and coming even closer. “Your faith is not strong enough to prefer chastity over my company. I’m not blind. I see the way you look at me. And there is nothing religious in your eyes.”
He stopped, his eyes making their way slowly up my body as if he could see through the red sheet that covered it, or perhaps even deeper, to the blood that ran through my veins, alongside his name. Could he see? Could he tell that—to me—he was everywhere, in every part of me?
I swallowed. Give in. Sara never would have, nor would Ginger—nor Mother Superior, who seemed completely immune to Kegan’s allure that day in her office.
“You like having sex with me. A lot,” he said with a triumphant grin. “Just as much as I like hearing you beg for it.”
“Go to Hell.” I had to get out of there; I couldn’t stand listening to him anymore. I scanned the floor for my clothes.
“I’m already there.”
I pretended I didn’t hear him. And his reference, be it to the room or to his devotion to sin, didn’t make me laugh, not at all.
The towel was at the foot of the bed, but there was no trace of my bra or panties. Where on earth did he throw them? I spotted my underwear near the wardrobe and my bra on the armchair. I decided to go for my panties first.
“You can’t spend the rest of your life in a convent, Rose. Our parents are dead and the dead can’t judge us. They don’t exist anymore. They’ve become memories, and we can’t make memories proud. We can’t disappoint them either. You don’t have to bear the responsibility of something that wasn’t your fault. If anybody is to blame, it’s the person who caused the accident. Stop punishing yourself for something you didn’t do. Things happen. Everything else—our remorse, our regrets, our what-ifs—are all useless. Feeling guilty won’t change anything. I offer people alternative lives to make up for the crap I do. I can change lives. It doesn’t right my wrongs, but it makes me feel a little better.”
Kegan had no idea what he was talking about. He didn’t know that my dad had suddenly had a heart attack and had swerved head-on into an oncoming car. The other driver was unharmed. If I’d never called him, none of this would have ever happened. I didn’t feel like explaining it to him.
“How did you find Saint Clare? Aldon isn’t exactly right around the corner. Of all the convents in the US, how did you end up at the one my family owns? Weren’t there any convents in your town? Why this one? You torment me, Rose. You’re the physical embodiment of torture and I wanted you here. I guess I got what I deserved.”
I decided to leave my panties where they were and stood up. I couldn’t understand if he was being serious or sarcastic. Was he going crazy? Was I here for another reason? I had ended up in his damn convent by chance, and here he was, accusing me of some bizarre conspiracy. Mother Superior was related to my mom’s best friend. Susan drove me to New York, to live in a convent full of strangers, where she’d believed I could get the help I needed to start a new life after the accident. In her opinion, I was headed in the wrong direction. I hadn’t asked, but she had probably heard the same rumors as Jenna’s mom. Maybe that was why Susan had decided to save me. I was only supposed to stay in the convent for a few months, but during the drive up, I’d decided that I wanted to pay for my sins and stay there forever.
I told him it was all just a coincidence. I asked him what he meant with the last thing he'd said, but he just laughed. I didn’t think anything was funny. I looked at him strangely and he composed himself.
“I don’t believe in God, but if he does exist, he hates me,” he said, shaking his head. “You should have never set foot at Saint Clare. It would have all been so much easier.”
As I spoke, as he responded, my mind was fixated on a single detail: Aldon.
“I never told you where I was from.”
“Yes you did,” he said impatiently, looking up at the ceiling and snorting.
I felt like an idiot. Had I told him? No. I looked at him skeptically. I tried to remember, going over my time at Lust in painstaking detail. Nothing about Aldon popped up. He began to approach me. I was sure I had never mentioned where I was from. Not with him. There was never an opportunity or reason. It was… strange. Very strange.
“How do you know where I’m from?” I searched his face for anything that would give him away, but I saw nothing. Maybe Mother Superior had told him?
“You told me.” He reached for a lock of my hair and twirled it between his fingers, reminding me of our first encounter. I’d never forgotten that moment, or the rest of that day for that matter. “In the pool.”
He lowered his face until his nose brushed against my cheek. “We were just about to do it for the first time. Just thinking about it makes me want to fuck you in the water again.” He nibbled on my earlobe. “You told me, I remember.”
I lost my ability to concentrate. Trying to remember anything else was impossible with him standing right in front of me, completely naked.
“After I asked you how long you’d thought about the kiss I didn’t give you,” he whispered. His lips curled into a smile as he observed my perplexity. The memory was so vivid for him, but I just couldn’t bring it to mind. So many things happened that night that I must have blocked out some of the less interesting details. My memory was playing games on me; it was becoming unreliable.
He kept on smiling and playing with my hair. His gorgeous mouth was the only certainty I had in that moment. A detail that I was sure I would never forget. I thought back to feeling his lips on mine—as unforgettable as my date of birth—and about how much I would like to leave Lust and spend time together in the real world. Outside of Kegan’s reign, outside of the convent. He and I. Walking around with normal people who hadn’t dedicated their lives to religion or sex. There were just a few more days before I would have to leave one prison for another. His lips. My birthday. I decided to take a chance.
“What day is it today?” I asked.
Kegan lifted his head and raised an eyebrow. “It’s June nineteenth.”
I ran one hand across his chest while the other continued holding the sheet around me. I made that sad and disappointed face that Jenna always said I did so well. The same face I’d always used to convince my parents to let me spend the night at her house.
“Yesterday was my birthday.”
A lie. I’d always been so good at lying, but this time, for the first time, I got the impression that I’d failed. His eyes remained focused on mine as a strange light flickered in them, as if a memory was crossing his mind. I tried to read those deep green eyes, but I came up with nothing. Understanding what Kegan was thinking about wasn’t difficult—it was impossible.
“I’d like to spend a day out, before…” I stopped to catch my breath and gauge his reaction. The intensity of his expression made me doubt my skills in deception. “Before I go back to the convent. I need a few hours away from here to decide what I want to do with my life. A birthday gift. Take me somewhere.”
He seemed pensive. My ears were prepared for a dry no. Kegan wasn’t like my parents. He would never fall for my sad expression, for my fake
birthday, or for anything else I tried to pull.
“Be ready in two hours. But first…” he sighed, his voice hardened with lust, “…I want you again.”
He grabbed me by the wrists. The sheet fell to the ground. My heart skipped a beat, both for what was about to happen now and what would happen later: he and I were really going out together.
Chapter Thirteen
“Wow.”
There were really no other words to describe what my eyes were seeing. Cars. Beautiful, sporty, and definitely expensive. I was surrounded. Paul would have sold a kidney to be in my shoes, just to touch these beautiful pieces of machinery. To drive one? He would have easily given ten years of his life. I was sure he wasn’t the only one. I stopped in front of a metallic black model with blue stripes on the hood. I had no idea who made it or what it was called. The windows were tinted. I recognized it as the car that had been parked outside of the convent that day.
I had never been much of a car person, but I couldn’t feign indifference about what I was seeing. I remembered the effect the car had on me the first time I saw it through Mother Superior’s window, but seeing it up close left me speechless. It was simply spectacular. I fully understood why people had been stopping on the street to admire it. Kegan walked up next to me.
“Bugatti Veyron, special edition. There are only two of them in the whole world, and this is one of them. It’s worth almost three million dollars.”
Jesus Christ. My hand shot back immediately and I took a step backwards, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the car. As far as I knew, it could have been the most expensive car in the world.
“It’s the last gift my grandfather gave me before he died. Every car you see here is a birthday gift. He started when I was sixteen. I have nine. He always knew how to exploit my weakness for sports cars.”