by Ava Lohan
“He blackmailed me,” I murmured, rubbing my finger along the rim of my glass. I'd finished the last drops and kept passing the tumbler from one hand to the other. I was completely sober. I didn’t want to be, but Lexi was keeping me in check. She’d ordered for me, a Buck’s Fizz, leaving me no choice. If it’d been up to me, I would’ve had three or four cocktails, one after another, and then thrown myself on one of the still empty sofas, closed my eyes, and tried to take my mind off everything. Unfortunately for me, the bartender had taken Lexi’s side and had refused to serve me anything more. There would be no drowning of my thoughts.
“He can’t make you.” Lexi took the glass from my hand, forcing me to give her my undivided attention. “Not if I hire you to work the bar. And I can. It’s part of my job.”
I imagined myself twirling around a pole and burst out laughing. Lexi looked disappointed. The half-naked girl clearing away empty glasses from the bar stopped to look at me. I forced myself to stop laughing. The girl shook her head and got back to work. She must have thought I was crazy, but Lexi’s idea was pure madness. I turned on my stool so I could face Lexi without being distracted by the things and people around us.
“I can’t dance.” The same words I’d said to Kegan the first time he’d brought me here. My heart dropped in my chest just thinking about it. I looked down at my feet. I refused to look toward the exit, where Lexi had told me to meet her thirty minutes before. My attraction to the door was like a laser aiming straight at my back. It went through my shirt and burned my skin. It hurt. But turning to look at it would have been even more painful.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Lexi, distracting me from the urge to turn around. “No problem. You can be a server. I bet you can carry a damn tray back and forth. You just have you strut around in a slinky outfit and let them touch your ass when they order their drinks and slip you tips.” She grabbed my arm and pointed to a girl who was cleaning a table behind us. “No sex. The girls here don’t offer that kind of entertainment.”
Lexi came closer. Her perfume was strong enough to give me a migraine. Her perfectly made-up eyes were trying their best to convince me. Her idea was as reasonable to her as it was insane to me. Kegan wanted me to come with him. He expected it. He was ready to declare me dead in just a few hours.
I didn’t want to go with him. Not this time. But I had to. He hadn’t said it explicitly, but he had made it clear to me that my failure to show up would cost me our deal. Even if the deal was totally made up. Even if I would never go back to the convent. He could always change his mind. He could take the convent from my sisters and blame me. Insisting I attend his performance that night had been his way of freeing himself of me. Kegan wouldn’t take no for an answer. The idea of seeing him with someone else made my blood boil in my veins and my stomach twist itself into a thousand knots. The very idea of it sent me flying into fits of rage—having to witness it would either turn me into a serial killer or stop my heart from beating forever.
“This way, you can stay here, and not leave tomorrow.” Lexi wasn’t ready to give up her surreal plan. “Because you shouldn’t leave.” She took a cigarette from her pack and offered me one. I accepted and let her light it. “Hailey, a girl that worked here, got fired by the beast last night,” she told me.
I frowned, not understanding what this had to do with me.
“I need a replacement,” she continued. “She was the blonde you saw outside of his office, the same one Kegan brought to some event three nights ago,” she added, addressing the perplexed look on my face.
I felt acid bubbling up from my stomach to my mouth. That fake blonde had been one of my concerns over the past few days. The girl with the stupid grin plastered across her face outside of Kegan’s office was out, and with her, my fear that Kegan was interested in her.
I felt slightly better, but it wasn’t worth celebrating.
Lexi tossed the pack of cigarettes on the bar and ordered another drink, the second for the evening. Probably just as weak as the first. She didn’t feel like getting drunk. Unlike me.
“I need a drink,” I muttered under my breath. “I need to forget about him.”
Lexi shook her head. “All you’re getting tonight, sweetie, is water—if you want it, of course. I won’t have you getting drunk on your first day of work.”
I looked at her.
She flashed me a proud smile that I would never have the strength to reciprocate. I had no desire to smile or laugh.
“I can’t work here,” I said.
She shrugged. She was wearing a skin-tight green dress. If I were a man, I would have pounced on her. “But you can’t leave either,” she quipped back. She smoked elegantly and studied me with that diva air she had put on the first time we’d met. The one that had made me hate her. I hated her a little bit less now. She was far from one of my favorite people on the planet, but she was getting there.
The smoke that billowed heavenly out of her mouth felt disgusting in mine. I tried not to cough as tears came to my eyes. I couldn’t stand the taste anymore. It no longer did anything for me.
Lexi was relishing every puff of her cigarette.
I was nauseated by mine.
But I liked tasting smoke on Kegan’s mouth. I just liked Kegan, even when he tasted and smelled like smoke.
Would I really change my mind about him after watching him fuck some client? Would it really cleanse my mind and heart of him?
He seemed to think so.
I was afraid it wouldn’t be enough.
And I was afraid it would be enough.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to lose him.
I took another puff of my cigarette and gave up mid-drag. I smashed the butt into the ashtray. The music kept buzzing in my ears. I didn’t recognize a single song—they must have all come out during my self-imposed isolation.
“You can’t go. Not now that you don’t want to dedicate your life to God anymore,” she continued, undaunted. “And having you watch him fuck is the last card in his hand. His last chance to get you out of his life, so he can keep being the bastard dripping in gold that he is,” she said with contempt. “But you’re going to mess him up real good. You’re going to tear his card to shreds and make him admit that he has feelings for you.” She stared at me, her eyes glowing with determination. “That he is a human, like the rest of us. Prove to him that even a beast can love.”
Oh, how I wish I could be so confident. I felt resigned to my fate. “And how am I supposed to do that?”
I stole the drink the bartender had just made for her and took a sip, ignoring her expression. It was disgusting. Pineapple, liquor, cinnamon, and other unidentified flavors all mixed together. I nearly spat it out. I pushed the glass across the bar to her.
“What is that? It’s awful,” I said, wiping my lips with my hand.
Lexi ignored my second question. “Seduce him, Rose. Seduce him before he can step foot in that room he booked. Put on some makeup and take off this school girl uniform—otherwise you haven’t got a snowball’s chance in Hell,” she said with a grimace. I was growing on her, but my clothes certainly weren’t. “He has a soft spot for you. It’s obvious. Use it to your advantage.”
“Yeah, sure,” I mumbled sarcastically. Kegan wouldn’t be played. “You make it sound so easy. You didn’t see the look on his face. You wouldn’t be so sure of yourself if you were in my shoes. That ass is going to kill me.”
I hopped off the stool and headed off to wallow in my depression in what had been my room for the past two weeks. Lexi jumped down from her stool as well and grabbed my arm just before I could make it to the door.
“He’s afraid. Fear makes you do stupid things.” She opened the door wide and closed it behind us. The music went silent. “Almost all men are afraid of falling in love. But the beast…” She stopped mid-sentence. I turned to look at her. “The beast seemed truly incapable of love. Until you showed up. And I wouldn’t have bet a cent on you. But now I’d bet it all. I’d put all
my life’s savings on you, including the money I put away for my son.”
I sighed in frustration. “And you would lose.”
What had seemed impossible to me until that day in Room 356 now made perfect sense. Kegan didn’t feel anything for anyone because he’d never known how. He had never learned to love: nobody had ever showed him. He might not have even known what it meant to care. He couldn’t remember his parents’ affection. Now, at twenty-four, the only constants in his life were sex, money, and a hatred for his now-dead grandfather. Just like he’d told me in the garage. The two weeks he’d spent with me had sent him into a total state of confusion—that’s why he couldn’t accept what he’d started to feel. His terrible childhood, the money, his job, the horrible memories—it was all much stronger than his feelings for me. He was a prisoner of Lust and all that he had been through.
Lexi looked at me. I thought about Kegan. I imagined him locked up in a room for years, and then isolated on the top floor of his palace. Tied down by hate and financial security. He couldn’t let go of that safety, no matter how much it had hurt him. Lexi was right: Kegan feared the unknown. He was terrified. And I only had a few more hours to help him overcome his phobia, and just a little over an hour to convince him not to lay a finger on anybody that wasn’t me tonight. Would I succeed? My pessimism was taking the wheel.
Kegan Anderson was the biggest mess I could have ever crossed paths with.
“This story is like the book in the library. It won’t end well,” I muttered.
“I lied to you about that book: it has a happy ending. If you’d finished reading it you would have known.”
She knew exactly what I was talking about. She hadn’t forgotten how—not even a week earlier—she’d been actively working against me. Now, the statuesque blonde who’d welcomed me with contempt was my only ally in my battle to the death against Kegan. Lexi had changed after that day on the beach. I was no longer a poor desperate girl who was head over heels for her boss. She no longer despised me. She too had been changed by my outing with Kegan. Since that day, she’d been convinced that he definitely had feelings for me that had nothing to do with our deal or the convent.
“Things didn’t work out for you. Why do you think they will for me?”
She ran her tongue over her lips. Her lipstick didn’t budge. It must have been one of those liquid ones that could outlast anything, that I thought only truly worked in commercials.
“It’ll work,” she said. A sad look came over her face, and she turned away. I knew who she was thinking about: the man who’d broken her heart, who, only two days ago, I’d discovered wasn’t Kegan. I gave her time to collect herself. Lexi had slept with Kegan multiple times—she’d admitted it freely—but she had never fallen in love with him. Even if she’d paid him more than once. No, Lexi had given her heart to a client, but he’d refused to leave his wife for her. Yet he still showed up every two or three months to see her.
Lexi couldn’t break free from him. She still hoped that he’d change his mind one day. That he would choose her. Even if we both knew it would never happen. Love—when unrequited—just plain sucks.
“I’m going to go get ready for my funeral,” I muttered before turning away from her.
“I’ll come with you. Let me help you,” she said, dragging me down the hall toward the elevator. “There will be no funeral. You’re going to win this thing.”
Chapter Eighteen
Things were not going at all as Lexi had planned. I was supposed to lure Kegan into my room, lock lips with him, and give him a blowjob to make him forget his plans. All while making him confess his feelings for me.
Easier said than done.
It had gone wrong from the moment Kegan had seen me standing in the doorway of my room. Instead of coming closer to me and falling into my clutches, he’d backed away. It had only gotten worse once I’d joined him in the hallway: it was if he had established a safety barrier around himself. He kept looking at me strangely, walking next to me but far away enough that I couldn’t touch him.
“The Turners are one of the richest couples in Manhattan. Their hotel chain has just hit Europe, too.” He wore a scornful grimace across his face. Those were the first words he’d said to me since he had picked me up to lead me to the gallows. “They pretend to be a normal couple at social events, in front of all the photographers. Then, once they’re safely behind these walls...”
He called the elevator. I swallowed. The owners of the most famous luxury hotel chain in America. I was going to see them in real life, not just on the pages of the tabloids. And they wanted to sleep with the man I loved. That was all I needed to know to hate them. I hated them with all my heart. I prayed to God that their business empire would collapse, even if I knew the Lord wouldn’t listen and would just give them more money and success. I could never understand why God always seemed to reward the wrong people.
Kegan interrupted my thoughts. “They love to watch. That’s their thing. They watch for a while, then go spend a night on their own, or with someone who’s really caught their attention. Tonight, they want me. First they want to see me, then have me. They offered an insane amount of money to have an orgy. They have a four-year-old and a six-year-old at home with a babysitter. Leaving kids at home to go out and do this is pathetic. You have no idea how disgusted I am. And when they touch me I have to act like I like it.” His words and voice were dripping with contempt.
I tripped over one of my heels. It felt like I had been punched in the back and all the air had been knocked out of my lungs. Orgy. Kegan had said orgy. Kegan had also said they wanted to spend the rest of the night with him.
“I don’t want to watch.” I didn’t even want to imagine it.
“You will watch,” he said, looking me straight in the eyes.
I grabbed onto his arm and felt him tense up at my touch. He curled his hand into a fist, then loosened it back up when the elevator doors opened wide to welcome us.
“I don’t want to watch you do this, and you don’t want to do it. I don’t want you to do it.”
He freed himself from my grasp. “Have you ever watched, Rose?”
I paused.
“Have you ever watched porn, or two people doing it right in front of you?”
I gritted my teeth so hard I thought they might break. “No,” I hissed. I’d made up a lot of sexual experiences, but I’d never been a fan of videos. And I had definitely never watched two people going at in the same room as me, nor was it on my bucket list.
“Well, in a little while you might just find out that you like watching. That it turns you on, like the Turners.” He pressed the button for the fourth floor, and the doors closed.
“Not gonna happen.”
He shrugged. “I hope it doesn’t, actually. I want you to hate me. I hope you’re disgusted.” He leaned his back against the wall. It seemed like my words had no effect on him. Like the conversation we were having was perfectly normal. It wasn’t like we were talking about how glad we were to have air conditioning today—no, for the thousandth time, he’d told me he wanted me to hate him. Why? Why would my life be easier if I hated him?
“That’s not gonna happen either,” I said confidently, although I was anything but sure of what I was saying.
Third floor. We were already at the third floor.
“It will,” he replied as he straightened his tie. His green eyes scanned my body; mine did the same with his. Kegan had never looked so shockingly handsome. Tonight, with his hair brushed back, his face was the most attractive thing I’d ever seen. The thought of never kissing or seeing it again was like a cancer slowly sucking the life out of me. Kegan, in flesh and blood, was as devastating as the pain he caused me. His perfectly tailored suit seemed more appropriate for fashion week, or for the premiere of a film he was starring in, than for a room in an exclusive brothel.
“I don’t like your makeup like this. You look like one of my employees. I almost didn’t recognize you when you opened the doo
r.”
I felt like a trap door had opened beneath my feet. His words were a slap in the face. Lexi had done my makeup and had doused me in perfume, convinced he would like it. Instead, my new look seemed to be having the opposite effect. I tried not to let his judgement throw me off.
He shook his head. “Then I looked you in the eyes and knew it was you.”
It seemed like we were never going to make it to the fourth floor.
These were the longest seconds of my life and the most difficult nanoseconds of my existence. This was my last chance to turn things to my advantage, but I wasn’t even trying. Lexi would’ve slapped me across the face had she seen. I tried to turn Kegan’s words in my favor.
“I look like one of your whores because I want you to choose me. I want you to pretend that you’ve just chosen me, and that now we’re going to a room, just you and me. Where you’ll pay me for the last time.”
Kegan couldn’t take his eyes off me as he mentally peeled my clothes off.
Silence. A fucking deafening silence made me think that maybe I’d gone too far. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks underneath the thick layer of foundation.
“Your old God seriously hates me,” he said, leaning his head against the mirrored wall and closing his eyes.
I was just about to open my mouth and provoke him again, but he held his hands up before I could begin.
“Don’t tempt me, Rose. Don’t fucking tempt me because I need this. I need to go back to who I was before I got tangled up with you.”
I pretended I hadn’t heard him. “I put on your favorite dress.”
He raised his eyebrows and looked me in the eyes. I saw a storm of emotions. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. It was undeniable. But I loved him. And I wanted him to love me back. Could there be love in his eyes? Is that what he was desperately trying to defeat?
He was fidgeting non-stop. He was nervous and I was the reason why.