“Triple T has already agreed to produce a few of your songs,” I heard Ron say.
“What?” I asked, quickly focusing on the conversation.
“I spoke with him this morning, and he said you guys have already spoken and that he even has a few songs you recorded together.”
“I don’t want him on my album,” I said sharply.
Ron ignored me and turned to Derrick. “We also want you to rap on a few of the singles. Of course, you’ll be compensated.”
Derrick laughed under his breath. “Thanks but no thanks,” he said. He got up from the chair and walked toward the door. “I’m going to wait downstairs.”
I was so embarrassed. “Derrick, what are you doing?” I asked, running over to him.
“You didn’t need to sign with these clowns, Jas.” He didn’t seem to care if they heard him or not. I looked back, and it was pretty obvious they had heard him.
“Excuse us,” I said; then I led Derrick into a small conference room Jessica said we could use. “What are you doing?”
“No, what are you doing?” Derrick yelled. “You just sold your soul to the devil. Why would you sign a deal for five records? You’re going to be recording with them forever.”
I thought about what my brother was saying and realized he was right. Five albums sounded good, but if I only put out something every two years, that meant I could be working for DC Records for the next ten years. I knew they were trying to change their image, but they hadn’t done it yet. Plus, they had already hooked me up with Triple T, and I knew I never wanted to see him again after what went down with him and Loretta, but judging by the way Ron had ignored my objections, I really didn’t have a choice. I decided not to worry about all that.
“Why are you messing this up for me?” I said, putting aside my doubts.
“You’re messing this up for yourself,” Derrick said. He took a deep breath, then shook his head at me. “I’m going to wait downstairs while you finish up.”
DC and Ron went over a few more things before they handed me a copy of the contract. I went downstairs to find Derrick sitting in the car listening to the radio. He smiled when he saw me, which I took as a good sign that he wasn’t mad.
“I got my deal. You’re looking at DC Records’ newest artist,” I said, waving my contract at him.
He took it from me and gave me a sad smile.
“You’re not going to congratulate me?” I said.
“Congratulations,” he said, but I could tell he didn’t mean it.
His attitude made me mad all over again. “You know what? Forget you. You’re just jealous because I’m already living my dream,” I said. “I didn’t have to set foot in college, and I’m already making more money than you.”
“Whatever, Jas,” he said. He went to start his car, but it just sputtered. He tried it several times, but the same thing kept happening.
“It sounds like the battery’s dead again,” he said. He got out of the car and went to check under the hood. I slid down in my seat, embarrassed. I was about to become a household name and I was sitting in my brother’s broke-down car.
“Start it again,” he said.
“You need to get another car,” I mumbled as I leaned over and started the ignition.
He stuck his head in the driver’s-side window. “Everybody doesn’t have money like you, Jas.”
“I’ll buy you a car,” I said.
“What do I look like, letting my little sister buy me a car?” he said. “I can afford to buy my own car.”
“Doesn’t look like it,” I said, rolling my eyes.
Derrick snatched open the door. “You know what? I’m about sick of you. You’re starting to act just like these people at DC records. You’re turning into a money-hungry little witch.”
He looked as surprised at having said the words as I felt at having heard them. My mouth dropped open.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I just shook my head. “No, you’re not.”
When he didn’t respond, it just made me feel worse. We sat there in silence for a few minutes, until I finally couldn’t take it anymore.
“So you’re not going to apologize?” I asked.
He slowly shook his head. “Not for telling the truth,” he said.
I nodded and reached for the door handle. “Forget you, Derrick. You make me sick. I hate you.” I slammed the door and started walking toward the subway.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
I didn’t even bother to respond. Tears fell, and I wiped them away. I’d thought that if anyone would always understand me, it would be my brother. On what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, I felt as though my world was crashing down around me.
I was about a block away when I heard what sounded like a car engine backfiring. It really didn’t register until it happened three more times that it was gunshots. I instinctively ducked, just like the other people on the sidewalk, and once the shots were over, I thought of my brother.
I found myself running down the block, where a crowd was forming. I searched it for my brother, but I didn’t see him.
“Derrick—” I yelled, but he didn’t answer me, so I yelled a little louder, but he didn’t say anything.
People were starting to look at me, but I didn’t care. I knew my brother had to be nearby because his car was still parked, so I tore through the crowd screaming his name.
That was when I saw him.
It took a few seconds for it to hit me that he was on the ground. He looked like he had just fallen and hadn’t yet managed to get up. I hurried over to give him a hand.
That was when I saw the blood.
It was everywhere, spurting out of his chest like a fountain.
“Derrick,” I whispered, not believing what I was seeing.
He tried to talk, but blood came out of his mouth, too.
I slid down beside him and grabbed his head. “Don’t talk,” I said. I blindly looked into the crowd. “Can someone call 911?”
I didn’t even wait for an answer as I refocused on my brother.
“You’re going to be okay. Help is coming,” I said, looking into his eyes.
He looked so scared, and I remembered the time when we were little and I fell out of a tree and broke my arm in two places. Derrick had sat beside me like I was doing now for him, and I was sure I had the same look of fear in my eyes he’d had in his all those years ago.
I just sat holding and rocking him trying to offer words of comfort until I heard the sirens. The ambulance and police pulled up about the same time, and the emergency medical technicians pretty much had to rip my brother from my arms so they could work on him.
When they finally got him stable enough, they put him in the ambulance, and I jumped in right behind them, praying like I had never prayed before.
My brother died on the way to the hospital.
I sat and watched helplessly as the EMTs worked on him, trying to save his life, but in the end, he just slipped away.
I didn’t remember much after that. Someone called my parents, and they came to the hospital looking as shocked as I felt. Actually, I was more numb than anything. My brother was my everything—my best friend, my world. There was no way he was gone.
When we finally made it back to the house later that evening, I kept waiting on him to walk through the door. When that didn’t happen, I told myself he was out hanging with Kyle or at work, and that I would see him soon.
I slept with my parents that night, still trying to make sense of what happened.
When I woke up the next morning, I was in their bed alone. I sat up laughing at the bad dream I’d had, and I got up to go tell my brother, knowing he was going to tell me how silly I was for letting a dream spook me.
The joke was on me.
When I walked into the living room, it was filled with people, food and flowers. I knew then that I hadn’t been dreaming. I had witnessed a similar scene when my grandmother died a few years ago, b
ut this one was different because most of the people sitting in the room were kids.
Kyle was the first one to spot me, and without saying a word, he just walked over and grabbed me. That was when I lost it. From the depths of my soul, tears erupted, and I cried for what seemed like days. I vaguely remembered Daddy lifting me up and carrying me to my room. A few minutes later, darkness claimed me.
When I woke again, it was dark outside, but I could make out Kyle sitting in a chair. I stared at him for a few seconds. He must have sensed I was awake, because he walked over to the bed and grabbed my hand and squeezed it like he would never let go.
“We’re going to get through this, Jas,” he vowed.
I just nodded.
He sat down beside me, and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
“Are all those people still here?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Most of them have already left. I think Loretta and T are here, and a few of your relatives.”
I struggled to sit up. “What are they doing here?” I asked, angry that either of them would have the nerve to set foot in my house.
“I guess they wanted to offer their condolences.”
“Tell them to leave,” I said. “I don’t want to see either one of them.” My tone must have told him I meant business, because he didn’t ask any questions—he just went to do as I had asked.
I rolled over on my back and stared at the ceiling after he left, still hoping I was just dreaming. When I heard the door creak open, I didn’t have the energy to see who it was.
“Jas, you asleep?” someone asked.
I turned at the sound of the voice and smiled when I saw Kyle’s little brother, Tony.
He walked over to the bed and climbed up beside me. “Hi,” he said when he realized I was awake. He gave me the biggest smile, and I couldn’t help but smile, too, although it didn’t last long.
“Hey, Tony,” I said.
He snuggled up beside me. “I’m sorry about Derrick,” he said into the darkness.
“Thank you,” I said quietly.
I realized that I would be hearing “I’m sorry” a lot over the next few days. “Thank you” felt like a silly response, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“You want me to get you something to eat?” he asked.
I realized that I was hungry, and I thought about asking him to fix me a plate, but I could only imagine what Tony would put on it. Instead, I got up and headed to the living room, where my family and Kyle’s mother were sitting.
I was glad to see that T and Loretta were nowhere around.
Mama walked over to me and gave me a hug. “You hungry?” she asked.
I nodded, and she went to fix me a plate.
My butt had just hit the chair when Uncle Henry started in.
“So what happened?” he asked me.
“Henry,” someone said, shocked at how forward he was being.
He ignored them and stared at me, waiting for a response.
“I don’t know,” I finally said. “I was a block away when I heard gunshots.”
“So you didn’t see anything?” he asked, sounding as though he didn’t believe me.
“No,” I said.
“Why were you near DC Records?” he asked.
“Why is that any of your business?” I returned.
He looked like I had slapped him.
“I’m trying to help you,” he said.
“Unless you can bring my brother back, don’t bother.” I pushed aside the plate of food Mama had brought me and headed back to my room, not wanting to deal with my family. I crawled into bed and seriously thought about never leaving. When I heard the door creak open again, I pretended to be asleep. I opened my eyes when I felt someone sit beside me and take my hand. Kyle had once again taken up his post, and I smiled my thanks, knowing that, like my brother, he had my back.
chapter 11
The day of my brother’s funeral was the hardest of my life. I had refused to go to view the body, because I still didn’t want to believe my brother was gone. I just kept telling myself that he was at the symposium he was supposed to attend that weekend.
His murder had been all over the news for the last couple of days, Kyle had told me. There was still no clue as to the killer. After searching his car, the police had allowed Daddy to pick it up, and he had just parked it in the garage. I found myself going to sit in it a couple of times because it made me feel closer to my brother.
Back in my room I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror, silently encouraging myself to get it together. When a soft knock sounded at the door, I couldn’t even respond before the door was pushed open and in walked Loretta.
I just stared at her in amazement. First off, I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to show up at my house, especially on the day of my brother’s funeral. Second, she looked a mess. She had on a black satin shirtdress that stopped right below her butt and left her breasts spilling out, some fishnet stockings and wedge-heeled sandals. If that wasn’t bad enough, she had on this blue pageboy wig.
“Hey,” she said softly. Her eyes were red, I assumed from crying, but I realized it could have been from any number of things. Loretta had been my girl for a long time, but I realized in that moment that I’d never really known her.
I didn’t bother to respond. Instead, I turned around and played with my hair, which as usual wasn’t cooperating.
“Look, I know you’re mad at me, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry…for everything.”
I applied my lip gloss and puckered my lips in the mirror, still ignoring her.
“T knows some people who knows some people out in L.A. who can help me get some modeling gigs,” she said. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
I laughed to myself. I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to mention T. I just shook my head.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked.
“Bye,” I said into the mirror, looking her dead in the eye.
“Why are you tripping?” she said. “T didn’t mean anything to me. I just did what I had to do for my career.”
“Don’t you mean you did who you had to do?” I asked, walking over to the bed, where I put on my shoes. My parents and I had agreed not to wear black, so I’d chosen a red pantsuit and some black heels.
“Trust me. You’ll thank me later. T wasn’t who you thought he was.”
“And neither were you,” I said.
She gave me a sad nod. “I guess I deserve that.”
I finally looked at her. “Why are you here?” I asked.
“Because you’re my friend, and I loved Derrick like a brother,” she said, shaking her head in amazement. “I still can’t believe he’s gone. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, you are sorry,” I said. “Please leave me alone.” I brushed past her and headed to the living room, where my parents and few other family members were gathered along with Kyle and his family.
I didn’t even acknowledge Loretta when she walked out the door. Kyle looked at me, silently asking if I was all right, and I nodded. If I never saw Loretta again, it would be too soon.
We said a brief prayer, then headed to the church, which was packed. I stood between my parents in the processional line, trying to talk myself into going into the church. When the funeral director told us it was time to go in, I looked at Mama and Daddy, and I realized they were having just as hard a time as me. I grasped both of their hands, and together, we walked to the front of the church, where my brother lay surrounded by more flowers than I had ever seen in my life.
When I caught sight of Derrick’s face, I lost it. I crumpled to the floor, and I started screaming and yelling. Daddy tried to lift me, but he was torn up, too, and Mama was incoherent. Finally, someone managed to get all three of us seated, and I spent the rest of the service sitting up under Daddy. I stared at my brother a few times, and I actually thought I saw him breathing, but the waxiness of his face told me it was just wishful thinking on my part.
Going to the cemetery seemed so final. My brother’s body was committed to the ground, and before I realized it, I had thrown myself at the casket. I stood there crying for what seemed like forever. Finally Kyle grabbed me and led me away.
“I told your mom I’d take you back to the house,” he said quietly.
I just nodded. We rode in silence for a while until it must have got the best of Kyle and he turned on the radio. We were almost to the house when the song I had recorded with Mocha Love came on. I smiled—until I realized my brother wasn’t there to share the joy with me.
I finally snapped off the radio and looked out the window, knowing that my life would never be the same.
Two weeks later, Mama and Daddy both returned to work, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more than lie in bed. My cell phone was blowing up constantly, but I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, so I ignored it. I found myself at least once a day slipping off to sit in Derrick’s car, which made me feel so much closer to him. I still couldn’t believe he was gone.
Kyle stopped by every day after his classes, which had started a week ago, and most days he didn’t even say anything. He just sat with me, ready to listen if I wanted to talk. He even brought his little brother, Tony, over a couple of times, which was about the only time I laughed.
I was just about to grab a bowl of cereal one afternoon when I was waiting for Kyle when the phone rang. I had been ignoring it for the longest, but for some reason, I answered, and the voice I heard on the other end made me groan.
“Where are you?” T asked.
“Why?” I asked with an attitude.
“Look, I know you’re probably still mad, but we’re supposed to be in the studio today. You need to get down here.”
“You really think I’m going into the studio with you?” I asked. “Whatever, T.” I hung up the phone just as Kyle walked through the front door with a bag of White Castle hamburgers.
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