by Lexy Timms
“Wow. What an amazing woman.”
“She was,” I agree. My chest hurts. The ache left by the absence of Gia’s smiling face is something that has not dulled with time. “She also told me not to mourn for her or feel bad that I wasn’t able to protect her. She said I was not hers to protect.”
“Why would she say that?”
“There are also some members of our tribe with the gift of prophecy. One of them told me there was a woman I was destined to protect and that if I succeeded, it would change everything. Gia died in my arms insisting that woman wasn’t her and told me to go search the world for the woman who was.”
“Wow.” Clarissa exhales.
Yes, Gia was an extraordinary woman. Even now, I can still remember her smell, how her eyes danced when she laughed, how she danced, how she turned into a completely different creature as she used her gift of healing.
I miss her.
“You must miss her,” Clarissa says as though reading my mind. “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand. When I found that picture I thought she was a cousin or something. Not...”
I nod. I understand. Her pain for me is almost palpable. Her heart is too kind. “But at least, I still get to hear her voice,” I say to soften her own sorrow as much as mine.
Clarissa’s eyebrows rise. “What do you mean, Theo?”
“Some of us Bears also have the gift to communicate with the spirits of those who have passed,” I tell her. “I have that gift.”
“You do?” Her eyes grow wide.
I give another nod.
I can see the questions blooming behind her eyes even before they even start spilling out of her mouth. This is the scientist in her, that strains to understand everything new so I don’t take offense when she starts questioning me. “Do they like try to talk to you all the time? Do you hear them talking around you? Or do you have to call them and...?” She pauses, scratching her head. “Sorry. I got carried away.”
I hide a smile. “It’s fine.”
“It’s just if you hear them all the time, then it’s scary but if they only talk when you want to talk to them, then it’s good.”
“She tries to talk to me a lot but I think that’s because she knows I want to, because she senses that I’m lonely,” I say. “Though lately, I don’t hear from her as often.”
I take another sip from my cup of tea.
“And you can just talk to the ones you know? Or you can talk to anyone?”
I pause, realizing where this conversation is going.
“You want me to talk to your parents, don’t you?”
She lifts her gaze to the sky. “I’ve always wanted to, maybe now more than ever.”
“They don’t like to talk about...bad things, though,” I tell her. “Especially about how they died.”
“I understand. That’s not what I want to ask them. I mean, that’s rude, isn’t it? I don’t really know what I want to ask them. Maybe I don’t want to ask them anything at all. Maybe I just want to hear something from them.” She shrugs. “I don’t know.”
I nod, putting my cup down. “Let me try. What are their names?”
“Conrad and Clara Ferguson.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Conrad Ferguson. Clara Ferguson.
I’ve never actually attempted to talk to spirits who I never knew in life, whose faces I don’t even know. It’s harder. Also, communicating with the spirits is harder during the day, easier at night. Still, I concentrate, knowing that Clarissa wants this.
Clarissa needs this.
Your daughter needs you.
Our daughter? I hear a man’s voice. Do you mean Clarissa?
I nod. She’s going through hard times right now. Her life may even be in danger.
In danger? I hear the concern in the man’s voice.
She wants you to tell her something, anything.
I always knew her life would be in danger someday. This time, it’s a woman’s voice speaking. I almost didn’t want to give birth to her.
Shh, the man tells her. She’s still our daughter and she’s grown up to be a wonderful woman. Tell her we’re proud of her and that we love her.
Tell Clarissa to be brave, the woman says. To be braver than I was. And tell her that she can’t help who she is but she can help who she loves, so she should choose wisely. And that she can’t change her past but she can determine her own future...And tell her I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect her.
We’re sorry.
Just like that, they’re gone. They didn’t seem to want to linger.
I open my eyes and turn to Clarissa. I tell her all they’ve told me. She clasps a hand over her mouth, tears streaking down her cheeks.
I place an arm around her, pulling her close. I stay silent, finishing my tea as she sobs on my shoulder. When Gia died, I cried, too. Though no one saw or knew. I know there’s nothing wrong with it, but grief is a private thing. And tears can help.
Finally, Clarissa stops, sniffling and rubs her eyes. I lend her my sleeve so she can blow her nose on it.
“Sorry,” she tells me after.
“No need to apologize.”
“And thank you,” she adds with a final sniffle. “I think I’m ready to go to Africa now.”
I nod. I had suspected as much. “That’s good.” And it is, even if I can’t be there to help her.
And I’m not sure I’m ready to let her go.
“I have to find out who I am,” she says. “I have to find out the truth about my past and my present in order to decide my future.”
“I know.” I place my hand over hers. “I just wish I could be there to protect you.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t be the woman from that prophecy.” She pauses a moment and I can tell she’s thinking deeply about something the way her forehead creases, and her eyes seem to turn inward. When she speaks, it’s almost in a whisper, her voice wistful. “Speaking of prophecy, can’t you just ask your friends about me so I don’t have to go to Africa?”
“Unlike spirits, prophecy comes,” I tell her. “You don’t ask for it. Though I’ll be paying them a visit to find out if there’s anything they know about you just in case your trip to Africa isn’t helpful after all.”
“Okay.”
I squeeze her hand. “I still wish I was there with you.”
Clarissa leans on my chest, her head above my heart that betrays me by beating even faster. I bury my face in her hair.
“I’ll be okay, Theo.”
I squeeze her shoulder. “Promise you’ll be careful? That you won’t do anything reckless? That we’ll see each other again?”
She sits up and looks into my eyes. “I promise.”
My heart burns with the yearning to kiss those parted lips. It’s a desire I’ve never felt until now. Instead, I stroke her cheek as I plant a kiss on her forehead, telling myself firmly that this has to be enough...
“I’ll be waiting for you.”
Chapter Sixteen
~ Kyle
“I CAN’T WAIT TO GET to the hotel.” I fan my chest with my shirt, wiping the sweat off my brow with the other hand.
Compared to Oklahoma, Alaska and Japan, Zambia is a desert. I almost envy Theo for staying behind.
Almost.
From beneath my sunglasses, I glance at Clarissa, who’s seated beside me at the back of the Jeep, her hair floating in the breeze. She’s wearing sunglasses, too, along with a white shirt and khaki pants.
I’d follow her anywhere, even to hell.
“It’s not like we’re here on a vacation, you know,” Sebastian tells me.
His mood is sour as usual. Strange. Weren’t wolves supposed to be docile unless threatened? Does he feel threatened? If there’s anyone who should feel threatened, it should be me. And I do. I eye him warily. I’ve been doing that a lot.
I thought Clarissa would always end up being mine. It was the natural course of things, I told myself. Now, all of a sudden, there are three othe
r men fighting for her affections. She doesn’t act like she knows it. Maybe she doesn’t. Smart as she is, she’s never had a clue when it comes to the feelings of those around here. At least when it comes to those kinds of feelings. It’s like it doesn’t even compute to her that guys might find her attractive. I always figured she’d get it someday, and then when she did, guess who would be right there waiting.
I wasn’t supposed to be one of a crowd when that day came. Now here I am waiting alongside three other men, all stronger and more good-looking and cooler than I am. Three men who may have more in common with her than I do.
Yes, Clarissa and I have been through a lot. We have our friendship but I’m not exactly sure that works in my favor. Not anymore.
I let out a deep breath. I told her a long time ago how I felt about her. I never should have backed down afterwards.
“Are you okay?” Clarissa asks.
“Yeah,” I tell her, and for the first time I realize I’m lying to her. “I should be asking you that.”
“I’m fine,” she says. “I’m ready.”
But am I? What if what she finds out here in Africa drives a wedge between us? What if it creates a chasm that can never be crossed?
What if this is the last time I get to be by Clarissa’s side?
“WE THINK IT’S BETTER if you stay here at the hotel,” Sebastian tells me moments after we’ve arrived, having gathered at his room.
“You want me to stay here in the safety of the hotel while Clarissa goes somewhere dangerous?” I shake my head. “No way.”
“That’s actually the point,” Toshi says from where he’s perched on the desk. “We want you to stay safe. Our priority should be protecting Clarissa.”
Why he can’t sit in a chair like a human being is beyond me. Oh wait...forget I said that.
I scowl. I’m not some fragile flower that needs to be kept in a crystal vase. Why is everyone so sure I’m the one who would need protecting? I’m fit. I work out. I’m just as qualified to take care of her as anyone here.
“How many times do I have to say I don’t need protecting?” Clarissa asks, rolling her eyes as she sits on the edge of the bed.
I ignore her, my attention still on Sebastian and Toshi. “Really? And since when do the two of you agree?”
They don’t answer.
“Well, I don’t need protecting, either,” I tell them. “In fact, I’m coming along to keep an eye on Clarissa, too.”
“I don’t need protection,” Clarissa repeats.
“Really?” Sebastian ignores her as he steps forward, arms crossed over his chest. “And how exactly do you plan on protecting yourself and Clarissa? Are you fast? Are you strong? Do you even have combat training of any kind?”
“I may not be a primal or a superhero,” I answer. “And I admit I’ve never been in a fight before, but I can use a gun.”
“And do you think guns work on us?” Toshi asks, fidgeting with the pen that’s on the desk. “Do you think you can fire a gun accurately before someone like us can take it away from you and point it at your skull?”
My jaw and fists clench.
“Clarissa, Toshi and I have the advantage of being able to heal when we’re injured,” Sebastian points out. “If you get hurt, we have to carry you out there. If you survive, that is.”
He doesn’t say it, but I hear it clear as day, and I can’t even read his stinking mind. I’d be a liability. A threat to the whole expedition.
I grit my teeth. “Clarissa needs me.”
“That’s why you’re here,” Sebastian says agreeably. A little too agreeably. “And that’s why you’ll stay here. She’ll need you when she gets back, not when she’s going there to that facility. There’s nothing you can do for her there.”
I glance at Clarissa, who takes a deep breath. “I hate to say it, but they’re right, Kyle. You might get hurt and you know I don’t want that to happen.”
My temper rises. First, the Dog and the Cat join forces. Now, Clarissa is taking their side, even though she’s known them for days and me for years? Unbelievable.
“Well, I’m sorry for being the only weak human on this team.”
With that, I storm out of the room. The door slams hard behind me.
I RETURN TO MY ROOM hours later, around evening, after getting a few bottles of beer to drink at the bar and spending a lot of time staring out into space to think.
Taking off my shirt, I lie down on top of the bed, running my hands through my hair.
“Kyle?” Clarissa walks into the room in the hotel robe.
I forgot that her room was adjoining mine. I notice belatedly that the connecting door is propped open.
“Hey,” I greet her.
“Are you okay?” She stands over my bed, a look of concern on her face.
“Yeah.” I rub my temples. “Maybe I just drank a bit much.”
“Well, luckily, Toshi knows just the cure for a hangover,” she says. “Let me...”
I grab her arm and she gives me a look of surprise.
“I’m sorry.” I let her go, but hold up my hand, pleading with her to linger just a little longer. “I don’t want you to get them. Just please...stay. I want us to be alone together. Like old times.”
Old times? When did they get old?
She sits on the edge of the bed. “It’s strange, isn’t it? How our circle of friends grew so quickly.”
“I’m not exactly sure they’re my friends,” I tell her, placing my hand over my chest, mostly to keep myself from doing something stupid. Like reaching for her again. “Or yours.”
“What happened?” Her eyebrows crease. “I thought you were getting along well with them.”
I was? Maybe I was but that was until that time at the waterfall when I saw how all three of them looked at her, the same way I was, at the same places I was.
I shrug. “Maybe we’re just too different.”
Or too similar.
She reaches for my hand. “Look, I know you feel left out. I know you don’t want to stay here. But I really think it’s for the best.”
And that’s what hurts the most.
I swallow hard, trying to get around the sudden lump in my throat. “I understand. I’ll be here, waiting for you when you come back.”
“I will come back,” she promises, leaning over me so she can ruffle my hair. “So stop looking so sad, silly.”
As she does, the gap of her robe widens and her necklace falls out, hanging from her neck.
I touch her pendant. “Since when do you wear a necklace?”
“Oh, this pendant was actually something I started working on in Alaska,” she answers. “Theo finished it for me and put it on a strap.”
“How sweet.” Great, even from thousands of miles away the Bear is getting more play than I am. Must I seriously compete with all three of them, every moment of the frigging day?
“Yeah. He’s a sweet guy.” She smiles, having no clue how much those words sting.
I sit up, holding both of her hands in mine.
“What’s wrong, Kyle?”
“Clarissa, I want you to know that...” I take a deep breath. “That no matter what happens, no matter what you find out, it won’t change a thing. Or well, it might change a lot of things but there’s one thing it won’t.” I touch her cheek. “You’ll still be the most important person in the world to me.”
She nods. “I know. And you have no idea how much that means to me.”
I hear her tone. Understand it all too well. My smile fades a little.
“You’re my best friend, Kyle,” she goes on, driving that particular knife in further. “The best anyone could ever ask for.”
I frown, my hand falling away from her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s just that...” I take another deep breath. “Clarissa, I...”
I know I should tell her how I feel, now more than ever and not a moment sooner. That became clear to me while I was mulling over my thoughts all by mysel
f. And yet, the words just won’t come out. Even though I’m a bit drunk, my throat still feels so tight.
What do I say? Do I just blurt out that I’m in love with her, that I’ve been in love with her for a while now, even though I don’t know exactly when it started? What if she asks why I didn’t tell her sooner? What if she rejects me outright? What if friendship is all we can have or what if we can’t even have that after I tell her how I feel?
I’m a coward.
Then don’t say anything. Just kiss her.
Staring at her slightly parted lips, I’m tempted to. And this isn’t the first time. I want to kiss those lips. I want to push her down here on the bed right now and kiss every part of her.
But no. Those other guys might be half animals but I’m not. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it right.
I take another gulp of air. “Clarissa, I...”
Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door in the next room.
“Clarissa?” It’s Sebastian. “It’s almost time to go. Are you ready?”
Talk about perfect timing.
“Almost,” Clarissa shouts, getting quickly to her feet. She doesn’t even look at me. “Give me ten minutes.”
She gives me a smile over her shoulder, absent-minded. Distracted. “Sorry, but I have to go.”
She heads into the next room without even waiting for me to reply.
“Clarissa,” I call after her, standing up.
She stops with her hand on the latch of the door that connects her room to mine, turning her head to look at me. “Yes?”
“I...” I squeeze my fists. “When you come back, I have something to tell you. Something important.”
Clarissa’s eyes narrow. “You don’t want to tell me now?”
I probably should but I don’t want to trouble her now that she’s about to do something important. Besides, I’ve waited forever. I can wait a few more hours.
“I’ll tell you when you come back,” I answer.
She nods. “Well, I surely will.”
She leaves and I sit on the edge of the bed, sighing, but a moment later, she returns, throwing herself into my arms.