‘It must be very difficult for her parents.’
He nodded but didn’t reply. I wondered how my own parents would cope if they ever lost Karl or me. This whole situation was a minefield and I was terrified that I’d say or do something wrong and make his pain worse. Was distraction the best way forwards then? To try to keep him busy, thinking about Christmas?
‘Well, I want to get Jack and Holly presents but I promise not to get anything too big. How’s that? I’ll feel bad if I don’t have something for them.’
‘If you insist. You want me to help you pick them out?’
I did, but if I let him accompany me then I wouldn’t have a chance to get him something too. I shook my head. ‘Give me a few ideas then we’ll split up and I’ll do my best.’
Ten minutes later, I was wandering around a pretty little toy-shop which reminded me of the one in Home Alone 2 but on a smaller scale. It had a wooden white façade with mahogany latticed windows sprayed with fake snow and decorated with silver foil snowflakes. Inside it was like a grotto with its dark-beamed ceiling and cosy shop floor. Every shelf was full, every toy bin overflowed with packets and stuffed animals, and I had to navigate my way carefully so that I didn’t catch my coat on any of the displays. Behind the counter sat an old lady who could have been pulled straight out of Santa Claus the Movie. Her white hair was pulled into a bun, her fat cheeks were rosy and she wore small round spectacles on the tip of her nose. She smiled at me as I walked past, then went back to her knitting.
I browsed the store carefully, eyeing the combination of old-fashioned toys and up-to-the minute products. I read the backs of boxes and checked the ages on them carefully, until I was certain that I’d selected appropriate gifts for Jack and Holly, then I took my goods to the counter.
‘Would you like these gift wrapped, dear?’ the old lady asked.
‘No, thank you. I’ll do them later.’
‘Are they for your own children?’
I shook my head.
‘Do you have children, dear?’
‘No.’ My throat constricted.
‘Well I have a feeling that you will do soon,’ she said and winked at me.
I smiled at her but couldn’t help thinking how wrong she was. Katie Warham had no intention of having children. Ever.
I’d paid and was about to leave when something caught my eye behind the counter. It brought back something Sam had said earlier that morning. It would be a perfect gift for him on so many levels.
‘Could I have one of those, please?’ I asked and pointed at the shiny box.
‘Of course.’ She placed it on the counter, then rang it through the till. When I’d handed her my card again, I stashed the gift in my carrier bag between Jack and Holly’s gifts. I was thrilled that I’d spotted it.
Back in the fresh air, I scanned the shoppers. I still had ten minutes until I needed to meet up with Sam again at the tree lot. ‘Katie!’
I turned to see Karl emerging from the crowds and waving madly at me. He had tinsel wrapped around his neck, a novelty Santa hat perched on top of his golden hair and arms full of bags. Angelo was wearing a matching hat but his had an enormous sparkly pompom on the end and he was carrying three large boxes.
‘What on earth have you bought, Karl?’
‘Oh you know…just a few extras. Got to spoil my baby sister at Christmas, haven’t I?’
‘Well you shouldn’t have.’ I frowned at him but inside I was excited; I loved presents. Didn’t everyone? And Karl always chose the best gifts. Last year he bought me a pair of Jimmy Choos. They were silver-blue strappy sandals with an incredibly high heel. I hadn’t worn them anywhere yet because I hadn’t been anywhere suitable but I loved taking them out and walking around the flat in them or wearing them while I watched Sex and the City reruns and drank Cosmopolitans before passing out alone on the sofa. Sad but true.
‘Where’s that hunk of man gone?’ Karl grinned then peered at me. ‘Katie, are you blushing? And is that happiness making your eyes sparkle? You look like you’ve just come off the slopes in Switzerland, all dewy-eyed and flushed.’ He waggled his perfectly shaped eyebrows.
‘Don’t be silly. It’s just the fresh air and mulled wine.’
‘I’ll believe you, Baby Sis, but you wouldn’t pass a lie detector.’
Angelo grinned and nodded at his side. So now I was being double-teamed, was I?
I shook my head and shrugged. My big brother was right. I probably wouldn’t be able to lie myself out of this one.
‘Come on then. Let’s go pick up the tree.’ I linked arms with Angelo and Karl and we made our way back through town. We won some admiring glances as we walked but I knew it was down to the gorgeous men on my arms. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to be in my position at that moment? It made me giggle inside. If only they knew that I was with my brother and his boyfriend. Appearances can be so deceptive.
I’d only been apart from Sam for half an hour but I was already keen to see him again. This was oh-so dangerous territory for me and I knew that I was being foolish and Karl’s suggestions didn’t help. Add to that the fact that the gift I’d bought for Sam was currently burning a hole in the bag. Was it too much? Had I gone over the top?
I took a deep breath and lifted my chin. No. This was fine. This was helping out an old friend and spending some quality time with people I cared about. There was nothing wrong with that, now was there?
Chapter 6
As Karl drove us home, I rested against the headrest and stared out of the window at the fields, houses and outbuildings all covered with snow. In their crisp white perfection, they reminded me of the tiny decorations you can put on top of a Christmas cake.
Sam and Karl chatted about Karl’s latest movie – a rom-com featuring an up-and-coming American actress who apparently had legs up to her ears and a psychology degree. Bright and beautiful. I’d read about her in one of those celebrity gossip magazines that a customer had left in the shop. Even though Karl was gay in real life, he played straight convincingly on screen and I guessed it was down to all those years pretending.
‘So you want me to get you Aurelia’s number then, Sam? Set you up, maybe?’ Karl asked.
Sam laughed. ‘Now there’s an idea.’
My spirits plummeted to match the temperature outside. Of course he wanted a toned twenty-something female companion with a shiny blonde mane and huge…blue eyes. What man wouldn’t? If I was a man, that’s probably what I would want too, I guess.
‘However,’ Sam continued, ‘Aurelia and women like her aren’t really my type.’
I watched as Karl met his eyes in the rear-view mirror. ‘Really, Sam? What exactly is your type?’
Sam’s cheeks flushed and he rubbed the back of his neck in a way I’d seen him do many times before when he was uncertain or nervous. ‘Well, I don’t even really have a type. That would be a chauvinistic and small-minded thing to say.’ Was he perfect or what? ‘I just like…real women. With intelligence, personality and…’ Did he just glance at me under his lovely dark eyelashes? ‘A good sense of humour.’
‘That old chestnut!’ Karl laughed. ‘GSOH eh, Sam?’
I wondered if Karl was being a bit insensitive but Sam seemed to be playing along. Perhaps it helped to pretend that his life was normal, to forget, if just for a moment, that his wife was gone, never to return.
‘Well there’s no point being with someone you can’t have fun with, is there?’ Sam replied.
Karl reached over and squeezed Angelo’s denim clad knee. ‘You’re right there, Sam. You really are.’
Sam smiled at me and I had to fight the urge to copy Karl’s action by squeezing Sam’s knee. That mulled wine must have been stronger than I’d thought. To distract myself, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to indulge in some daydreaming as Karl popped in a Christmas CD and the likes of Frank Sinatra and Elvis crooned about white Christmases and rocking around the tree. I was warm and relaxed and actually enjoying not being at work.
Before I knew it, Sam was gently shaking me awake. ‘Hey, sleepy head.’ He was leaning through my door and his face was so close to mine I could have kissed him if I’d just moved forwards an inch. I offered a smile and he reached over me and unclipped my seatbelt. I leaned forwards and inhaled. ‘Did you just sniff me, Katie?’ His face was back in front of mine again.
‘Uh…’ I did. I sniffed him. But he smelt so good.
‘Hope I don’t stink.’ He winked, then held out a hand to help me out of the Freelander.
Once out of the warm of the car, the icy cold hit me and I shivered.
‘Go on, Katie. You run ahead and I’ll grab your shopping.’
‘Okay but no peeking!’ I wagged a finger at him.
‘I would never do such a thing.’ He frowned as if offended.
I hurried across the yard and into the house with Karl, Angelo and Sam hot on my heels. The aroma of gingerbread hit me as soon as I opened the door and memories flashed before me. Dad dressed as Santa, turning up at our house on Christmas Eve when Karl and I were in our PJs. Granny dancing around the lounge with Granddad, clad in her sparkly gown, practising their steps before hitting the Christmas Ball. Mum sneaking Karl and me a midnight feast of gingerbread men and cocoa because we were too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve.
‘Hi, Mum.’ I went straight to the Aga and held my hands over the rising heat.
‘Hi, Katie. How was your shopping trip?’ Mum asked as she helped Holly to cut stars and angels out of shiny brown gingerbread dough. Their hands were covered in flour and they wore matching aprons, although Holly’s was clearly an adult’s and way too big for her. Seeing that tiny little girl with her rosy rounded cheeks, cupid’s bow mouth and black bunches, looking at Mum and seeking her approval did something to my heart. It was like a shard of ice had been lodged there and suddenly it moved a fraction. Would my own daughter have had the same tiny nose and long dark eyelashes?
Karl stood behind Esther and wrapped his arms around her. ‘Smells great, Mum.’
‘I wish I could hug my mummy.’ The sweet little voice sent me over the edge and I had to turn away and blink hard. The poor little girl. ‘But she’s a star in the sky now so she has a big job to do. Daddy says she’s watching over me.’
‘That’s right, Holly. She’ll always watch over you,’ Sam said as his huge frame filled the open doorway. His arms were laden with bags and I realised that he was probably carrying most of Karl and Angelo’s as well.
‘I know, Daddy.’ I was overwhelmed by an urge to hug her as she straightened her tiny shoulders and lifted her chin. Was she trying to be brave for Sam? ‘Did you get a tree?’ She gazed at her father, her brown eyes wide with hope.
Sam looked at the floor and shook his head gently. I watched Holly’s reaction. ‘Daddy, are you teasing?’ Her pretty mouth opened and closed as if she was trying to make him say the words she longed to hear.
Sam met her eyes. ‘What do you think, my angel?’
Holly clapped her hands together sending flour and bits of dough flying in all directions. ‘You did, Daddy! Where is it?’
‘Tied to the roof of Karl’s car. I’ll get it once I’ve unloaded these bags. Esther, I think your son and his boyfriend bought up the whole of Tonbridge.’
Mum laughed and nodded. ‘Sounds like Karl. Always did like to spend.’
‘Well what do you expect, Mum?’ Karl asked. ‘I like the finer things in life. Wonder where I got that from?’
‘Daddy, can I help you get the tree in?’ Holly interrupted the adult banter.
‘Once you’ve helped Aunty Esther to wash up. You should never leave a job half done, Holly.’
‘You always say that, Daddy.’ Holly turned to my mother. ‘Can we clean up so I can help Daddy with the tree?’
‘Of course, Holly.’
I went over to Sam and took some of the bags from him and he followed me into the hallway. ‘Where’s Jack?’
‘I’m not sure. He might be with my Dad. Perhaps he got fed up of baking.’
I went through to the drawing room to take a look and, sure enough, there was Jack on the sofa with my Dad looking through a book about WWII fighter jets. ‘Ooh, Dad! You’ve got the good stuff out.’
‘Don’t be facetious, Katie. I found it in the library. Quite an impressive collection in there. You know though, just because you’re not interested in the mechanics of a Hawker Nimrod or a Republic P-47 Thunderbolt, doesn’t mean that nobody else will be.’
‘These planes are great, Daddy!’ Jack glanced at Sam before returning his attention to the book.
‘Well don’t bother Uncle Charles too much now.’
‘Nonsense, Sam,’ Dad said. ‘We’re having a grand old time. And it’s nice to speak to someone who’s actually interested in these glorious machines. You go do your thing and leave Jack here with me.’
As Sam and I left the room, he pulled me close and whispered, ‘I guess Jack won your father over then.’
‘Probably got fed up of Esther bossing him around more like.’
Sam laughed. ‘That’s the thing with my son, he’s more of a laid-back-please-himself kind of child. Whereas Holly, she seems all sweetness and innocence, but that four year old can hold her own with the best of them. I’ll bet she’s been bossing Esther around.’
I giggled and placed my hand on his arm. The muscles rippled beneath my touch and I had that fluttering in my belly again. ‘Well she’s a brave little girl if that’s true.’
‘She reminds me of you in many ways, Katie. You always stood your ground with your mother, even when you were in primary school. Some might even say that you were a bit stubborn.’
‘Well if I am, I get it from her,’ I replied, then the truth of the statement dawned on me. Was that why I struggled to get on with my mother? Were we really too similar; locking horns over the smallest of details.
‘Hey, let’s go get the tree so we can decorate it.’ I nudged him towards the kitchen.
‘Okay but Karl said something about Angelo buying a huge fairy to go on the top.’
He met my eyes and we both burst into laughter. There was nothing camp about my brother or Angelo but Karl had walked right into that one. Knowing my brother as I did, he’d probably said it deliberately.
***
I stood next to Holly as Sam untied the tree from the Freelander’s roof and I almost gasped when she took hold of my hand. She did it as if it was the most natural thing in the world and I realised that for her, it probably was. At four years old, she wouldn’t be so hindered by the reservations that often affect us as we age. She saw that her father knew me and trusted me and followed suit. Even when we returned to the kitchen, Holly kept hold of me and it was surprisingly nice feeling her tiny hand in mine. It made me feel proud that she was happy being close to me. She certainly didn’t mince her words and I’d already learnt that she wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to without standing up for herself. So it was kind of like I had her approval.
‘Where shall I put this, Esther?’ Sam asked my mother. I bristled a little. I mean, he was only deferring to her as the matriarch of the house, but it had been my idea.
‘It’s a real tree?’ she asked and I lowered my eyes. Was she about to go off on one? She could be so fussy. Growing up, we’d had real Christmas trees some years but also had a variety of synthetic ones too. I think it had depended on my mother’s mood that year and what the media favoured. Some years it was all about saving the forests, whereas others it was good to chop the trees down as they planted more which was then good for the environment apparently. I found it all rather confusing and contradictory. ‘It’s lovely, Sam and Katie. Why don’t you two decide where it looks best?’
My mouth fell open. Had she just given us her approval? Really?
‘Katie, close your mouth or you’ll stay like that when the wind blows.’ Esther winked at me and I made an effort to press my lips together. Had the Ghost of Christmas Past been to visit my mother to make her change her
wicked ways? Whatever next?
We walked through to the hallway and Sam set the tree down. It had already left a trail of pine needles in its wake and I made a mental note to find a dustpan and brush.
‘Is it true?’ Holly pulled on my hand so I looked down at her.
‘Is what true, sweetheart?’
‘That if you pull a face and wind blows, you’ll get stuck.’
I swallowed my laughter. ‘No, Holly. Aunty Esther was just teasing.’
‘Oh. That’s a shame because it would have been a really good trick to play on someone at school.’
‘I guess it would.’ I grinned.
‘But it would be a bit mean, Holly.’ Sam peered around the tree. He had released the bonds and the branches were uncurling slowly like a cat stretching its limbs.
Holly shrugged. ‘Can I go find Jack now?’
‘Yes go on, but I expect you to help us to decorate the tree when it’s ready.’
‘Of course, Daddy.’ Holly flashed us a cute smile before skipping into the drawing room.
‘So where do you think this will look best?’ Sam asked me and I felt the sudden weight of responsibility. What if I got it wrong? In my own world, away from Esther’s iron will, I was in charge. I made grown-up decisions every day about my business, what to wear, how to have my hair and what to have for dinner. But whenever I was around Esther, she was usually so domineering that I silently conceded to her; it was just easier than facing more of those awful battles that we’d gone through when I was a teenager. How I’d loathed those times. But I’d been stubborn and persistent. I’d often wondered if that was why I’d been so careless about contraception. Was it a secret rebellion, a way of showing her that I could do whatever I chose to do with my own body? She’d always insisted that you had to be married before you had children. Had I, deep down, without being fully aware of it, decided to show her that I could get pregnant if I wanted to? Had it been rooted in my need to show her that I was all grown up at twenty-two or had it really just been a missed pill?
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