‘I admire what you’ve done. I couldn’t have coped as well as you have.’ And I didn’t think I could have. Being left alone with two young children and an aching heart would be enough to destroy anyone.
He put the whisk down and wiped his hands on a tea towel. ‘I’m not saying it was easy. I have two daily reminders of Maria. I’m trying to rebuild my life. Sometimes though, I don’t know if I’m doing a very good job.’ He gave a small laugh then and shrugged. I wanted to reach out to him and take his hand but something held me back. ‘There’s so much responsibility on my shoulders, Katie. I have two children to live for but I also feel like I have to support her parents and my parents. I can’t spend my whole life grieving, but the guilt of feeling that I should do is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like the people around me want me to. My parents…Maria’s parents…it’s like they can’t see me any more. Like it would be unthinkable for me to actually get on with my life, even though they repeat the same old platitudes day after day about moving on and seizing the day. It’s just so confusing. One day I’ll get up and see that the sun is out and feel positive, like it’s going to be a good day then the next, I’ll struggle to get up at all.’ He rubbed a large hand over his eyes and sighed.
‘You do know that what you’re feeling is natural, Sam. All this is perfectly acceptable. Grief isn’t an easy path.’ There I go with the platitudes.
‘Maybe, Katie. Maybe. But, you know, I haven’t seen you in years yet it feels like you’ve been there all along. Just…’ He shook his head. ‘This is ridiculous… Perhaps I’m being irrational…but the way you look at me is different. When I came out to your car yesterday, I was as nervous as an X-Factor contestant. I didn’t know how you’d react to seeing me here. But all I saw in your eyes was—’
I took a step towards him. Right now his face was like an open book. I could read his pain there, his grief, his love of his children. But I could also see that he wanted desperately to live again. And I knew that feeling. I hadn’t been through what he had but I knew what it was like to suffer loss. Sam had endured so much and come out fighting. He was brave and strong and sweet and lovely and I wanted him. Right now. Even though I knew I shouldn’t. Even though I believed that we could never go back. At least that’s what I’d told myself a million times after we’d split up.
‘What did you see, Sam?’
‘You looked at me as if I was a man, Katie. In that way that you used to do. As a man, not as a widower to be pitied. You know, after Maria died, all I wanted to do was to hear your voice. Yet that thought made me feel so guilty, as if I betraying her memory or something.’
He reached for me and I stepped into his embrace. He pulled me to him, pressing me against his chest. It was strange yet familiar. He smelt so good. My heart thundered and I struggled to breathe. Partly because my left nostril was squashed against his wall of muscle but partly because I longed to tear his clothes from him and to make it all right for him again. To make it all right for me again. To help him to move on. To kiss every inch of him and to love him from sunset to dawn if he would let me.
‘I thought you two were making eggnog but it looks like something far more interesting is going on out here.’ I jumped backwards as if Sam had scalded me with his touch.
‘Dammit, Karl. You have to be so sneaky?’
‘Now, now, Kitty-Kat. You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about. I’ve been convinced since you two first got together that you were perfect for each other. You both realised it before and although things got difficult, I think it’s heart-breaking that you didn’t stay together and work through it all.’
I stared at Karl, open-mouthed, but Sam had gone back to his recipe and he was now beating sugar into the egg yolks. He didn’t look happy at all. Disappointment and confusion surged through me and I hugged myself.
Did Sam regret telling me everything just now? It was a lot to get off his chest, however broad and strong a chest it was. I had the feeling that he’d been yearning to tell someone all of that for quite some time. Karl was right about us being perfect for each other once, but so much had happened since then. Sam needed time to grieve and to adjust to losing his wife. I had my business, my goals and ambitions. Even if it was nice to hug Sam and to feel that luxurious security I’d always found in his arms, it wasn’t about us. Not any more. He had responsibilities now. Two children. I didn’t even want children. I couldn’t tie myself down when I had so much to do.
There was a link between us. There would always be a history between us. I would always care for Sam and, it seemed, be attracted to him. But there was no future for us. I’d realised that a long time ago. He was evidently fighting his own demons and just needed me to be a friend. His sense of responsibility – to the children, his parents and Maria’s parents – was weighing heavily on him.
I just had to remember that whenever my wayward heart started to open towards him.
Chapter 8
I raised the glass to my lips and sniffed.
‘Go on, Katie, try it. You might like it.’ Sam grinned and gestured at me to take a sip of the eggnog he’d just made. It didn’t smell too bad but I couldn’t believe that it had eggs in it. I mean, a drink with eggs in?
‘You use eggs in your cakes. Go on, don’t be a baby. I dare you.’
Dammit! Why’d he have to dare me? He knew I couldn’t resist that. I took a big swig and… ‘Yum!’ Warmth and cream filled my mouth and trickled down into my belly.
‘See. I knew you’d like it,’ Sam said as he swigged from his own glass. When he lowered his drink, he had a white moustache. For a moment, I considered telling him, but changed my mind. It would be more fun not to.
‘Yes, that’s good, Sam,’ Karl said as he glugged back his eggnog, then used the glass ladle to refill his cup. ‘Katie?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It’s time.’
‘Time for what?’ Sam asked.
‘Time for the Christmas Eve movie, of course,’ Karl announced.
‘Do you remember, Sam?’
‘Yes of course, Katie. Esther makes you all a carpet picnic and you snuggle up to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I can even remember the first year that I experienced the Warham Christmas Eve tradition.’
I stared into my drink. I remembered that year too. I’d been seventeen and Sam and Karl had come home from university for the holidays. Sam’s parents had gone away but he hadn’t wanted to go with them, so he’d stayed with us for a few days. I’d been thrilled to have him there. He’d gone away to university in London as a slightly geeky teenager but returned a young man. Not the man he currently was, of course, but taller and more confident. It had established my crush and I’d mooned around after him for the duration of his stay. I’d agonised about whether he could be interested in me and my daydreams had centred around him taking my virginity in a New Year’s Eve embrace. I’d replayed that fantasy until it had become a wonderful reality not long afterwards.
‘You were sweet seventeen then, weren’t you, Katie?’
‘And she had the BIGGEST crush on you, Sam!’ Karl grinned.
‘I did not!’ I blurted, suddenly seventeen again.
‘Yeah you did, Katie. Why deny it?’ Karl teased.
I shrugged and finished my drink but, as I glanced up, I found Sam’s eyes on me and what I saw there made me feel all warm inside. He’d later told me that the crush had been mutual and we’d laughed about that one wasted Christmas when we could already have been making love and enjoying being together.
Esther appeared in the kitchen and started pulling platters out of the fridge.
‘Have you brought the picnic rugs, Mum?’ Karl asked.
‘Of course.’ She flashed him a smile, then started taking things to the drawing room. We loaded up the eggnog and the rest of the platters, as well as some dips and crisps, and carried them all through.
Dad shook out the large rugs and placed them in the middle of the floor, then Karl and I helped Mum to lay out all the
food. Sam took a sofa with Holly while Aunty Gina sat with the extremely quiet Tanberk on one side and Rebecca – still glued to her technology – on the other. I realised I’d barely heard her say a word and shook my head. It seemed that the media was right when it blamed technology for the loss of communication skills if Rebecca was an example of a typical teenager. Mum and Dad sat either side of Jack, and Karl and Angelo squashed into the swivel cuddle chair.
‘The DVD’s in already, Katie,’ Dad said as he aimed the remote at the fifty-inch plasma TV in the corner of the room. I glanced around, wondering where to sit, and Sam caught my eye. He gestured at the sofa next to him. Holly was sitting on one side so there was space on the other side. Not much, but still…
I squeezed in next to him and smiled as the familiar music began. I tried really hard to focus on the start of the movie but the warmth of his thigh next to mine and the muscular arm that he threw over the cushion behind me were somewhat distracting. However, the brandy in the eggnog soon took the edge off my self-consciousness and I piled a plate with Esther’s delicacies and shared them with Sam and Holly. It was good sitting next to him, almost like all those years hadn’t passed and we’d stayed together. I glanced at him a few times to find him looking at me and I wondered if he was thinking about how we used to be. The little girl at his side could easily have been my child. If things hadn’t gone so terribly and sadly wrong.
An hour and forty minutes passed far too quickly but we all laughed our way through the movie, even with the pauses that Dad made in order to explain things to Jack and Holly. I hadn’t realised that watching a movie with kids could be so funny. And somewhat frustrating. They had a thousand questions but Dad was patient and calm and answered every one. Even the ones about why the shop assistant (who Clark Griswold fancies) was flashing her knickers in the middle of the store. Holly was quite shocked by that one and said it was very rude, which we all agreed with wholeheartedly, while holding in our laughter.
When the movie had finished, it was dark outside. Dad went over to the window. ‘Hey, kids, it’s starting to snow again.’
Karl dimmed the lights and we all stared out into the night. Sure enough, in the glow from the Victorian lamps, we could make out tiny white flakes drifting down from the sky. I walked over to stand next to Dad and squeezed his hand.
‘A proper white Christmas. Just like Granny would have wanted, eh, Dad?’ He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
‘Yes, Katie. She always loved a proper white Christmas.’ His voice was thick with emotion. ‘I miss her so much.’
‘Me too, Dad. We all do.’
We stood there in silence for a bit, watching as the flakes grew in number and soon there was a thick white carpet beyond the glass.
‘Is it time for the special visitor?’ I whispered to Dad. ‘If you leave it much longer, the snow might be too heavy.’ He nodded, then left the room.
Esther took her cue. ‘I think we should get this picnic tidied up now, don’t you, kids? Or Santa won’t have anywhere to put things when he comes tonight.’
‘Will he know we’re at the lodge, Aunty Esther?’ Holly tugged at my mother’s arm.
‘Yes, of course, sweetheart, but when he comes to drop Rebecca’s gifts off here, we don’t want him tripping over things, do we?’
Holly shook her head vigorously. ‘We must tidy up, Jack. Santa’s coming and if he falls and hurts himself, he’ll never make it to deliver all the children’s gifts tonight!’
Jack rolled his eyes but started helping. My throat tightened. It was obvious that he wanted to believe but he was torn. Hopefully, what we’d planned would help him out. Santa always visited the Warhams on Christmas Eve, even when Karl and I were officially too old to sit on his knee.
Once the drawing room was tidy again, we turned the TV off and put the radio on. The DJ announced an evening of Christmas music and started with Nat King Cole’s ‘The Christmas Song’. Holly kept rushing to the window and giving us updates on the snowfall. Her enthusiasm was infectious and I was more excited than I had been in years. Who knew that having children around could be so much fun?
Aunty Gina got to her feet and held out a hand to Tanberk. ‘Dance with me, my love.’
He stood and took her in his arms then they began waltzing around the room, taking care not to bump into the furniture as they moved. I was spellbound as I watched their graceful movements and I realised what she was doing – this was a tribute to Granny and Jim. When the song finished, we all clapped and Jack wolf-whistled.
‘Gina that was amazing!’ Mum exclaimed. ‘When did you learn to do that?’
‘Tanberk is actually a semi-professional ballroom dancer, so I owe all of my expert teaching to him.’ My aunt glowed as she gazed at her boyfriend.
‘You didn’t let on before, Aunty Gina.’ I shook my head.
‘No, darling. This was our gift to you all…our tribute to my mother and father. Do you remember how they used to dance, Esther?’
Mum nodded. ‘Like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers they were.’ Her eyes glistened and I choked up again.
‘Can you do any others?’ Angelo asked.
‘Just the waltz and the tango so far, but Tanberk has promised to teach me all he knows. You should come to the local dance centre sometime, you know. All of you. It’s so much fun!’
‘I’d have enjoyed that, but with us moving away, it won’t be possible now.’
Gina smiled at Mum. ‘I’m sure there’ll be something similar out in France and, if not, we’ll teach you when we come to stay.’ The two women stared at each other for a while, their eyes sad but their hearts joined. I’d never seen them so friendly but they were united now in their loss as the elder females of the family. It was a poignant moment and comforting to think that something positive could have emerged from the pain of losing Granny.
Suddenly, from outside, we heard the ringing of tiny bells. It started as a faint tinkling then increased in volume until it was right outside the house.
Holly ran to Sam and grabbed his knees. ‘Daddy! Did you hear that?’
‘It’s just bells on the radio.’ Jack yawned.
The bells tinkled again and Jack jumped to his feet. ‘I heard it then, Holly!’ They ran to the window that overlooked the front lawn and peered through the glass.
‘What’s that?’ Holly frantically rubbed the glass where it had misted up under her hot breath. ‘Daddy…it’s a reindeer!’ She bobbed on the spot. Sam glanced at me and mouthed a reindeer?
I shrugged and frowned. I wasn’t certain, but I had a feeling that this had something to do with Dad disappearing earlier that morning. He’d been on foot so hadn’t gone far but perhaps he’d enlisted some local help. That would be typical of my father, determined to make things as magical as possible for the children. He would have made a wonderful grandfather. My throat ached and I swallowed hard.
Sam came over to the window. Holly grabbed my hand and my heart did that lurching thing again. She was the cutest little girl and she made me want to take care of her; to make her happy. It concerned me that I could experience such yearning – after all, I was a hard-headed businesswoman now. I was convinced I didn’t have time for sentimentality or to become involved with a family. I’d have to blame the heightened emotions of Christmas time.
‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’
‘Did you hear that, Daddy?’ Jack asked.
‘Sure did,’ Sam replied.
‘That sounded like Santa!’ I said. ‘Come on!’ We dashed to the hallway and grabbed our coats and hats, then I opened the door and, sure enough, stood on the lawn with a real reindeer, as snowflakes fell around him, was Santa Claus. Well, okay, Dad in a costume but hey, suspend your disbelief.
‘Hello, Santa,’ Holly said, her voice filled with awe.
‘Hello, Holly,’ Santa said. ‘Merry Christmas. Would you and Jack like to meet my reindeer?’
‘Yes please,’ Jack replied, then hopped down the steps closely followed by Holly.
; Sam stood at my side and watched as Santa spoke quietly to the children about the reindeer in front of them and the others that were apparently currently up on the roof waiting. Jack and Holly told him what they’d like for Christmas and Holly promised to leave carrots for the reindeer and one of Katie’s special mince pies for Santa.
‘Well, children, I’d better be on my way as I have a hectic schedule this evening. Mrs Warham, would you care to help me back up to the roof?’
Mum nodded. ‘Of course, Santa.’
Holly threw herself at Dad and hugged him. ‘Thank you, Santa, for visiting us. Now my brother Jack has to believe in you.’
Jack’s face turned bright red and he kicked at the snow gathering on the ground.
‘It’s okay, Jack,’ Dad said. ‘Everyone doubts things sometimes. Have a wonderful Christmas with your family and friends.’ Jack nodded and Dad ruffled his hair then took Mum’s arm. The rest of us moved back inside and Holly waved frantically as they disappeared from view.
‘Well that was really something,’ Sam said as we stood in the enormous hallway.
‘Daddy?’ Holly shook his leg. ‘We should get to bed now or Santa might not come back.’
Sam raised his eyebrows. ‘Katie, do you think that Santa will have taken off by now?’
I smiled. ‘I think the coast should be clear.’
‘Okay then. I’m going to take Jack and Holly down to the lodge, so we’ll see you bright and early. They’ll no doubt be up before it’s light so they need to get some rest.’
My family said their goodnights and Angelo and Karl climbed the stairs singing ‘Jingle Bells’ – the naughty version – which sent Mum into deep throaty Champagne-induced laughter. Aunty Gina and her boyfriend returned to the drawing room and Rebecca followed, still glued to her tablet.
‘I guess it’s goodnight then,’ I said, irritated by my sense of disappointment at the evening coming to an end. I pulled my hat off and ran a hand through my now-static hair.
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