‘We rushed to casualty first but were redirected to the waiting room then to the Cardiac Intensive Care unit. The duty nurse directed us to a small room just off the nurses’ station where Dad was waiting and told us that Granny was in assessment. It was frightening when we went in; Dad was just sat there with his head in his hands. When Mum said his name, he looked up and his eyes were red, his cheeks gaunt and his white hair ruffled. His shirt was creased and I realised that he was wearing his slippers. It was so unlike Dad to be less than meticulously attired. It was strange, Sam. I stared at my parents, taking in their hair, their faces and their bodies and reality dawned. They were ageing too. They’d always been so strong and fit but, seeing them there, in that place where the battle for life was fought on a daily basis made me suddenly aware of their mortality. I mean, Granny was first in line, right? I read somewhere once, that your grandparents held the frontline against death. When they were gone, it was up to your parents. When they were gone…I shuddered. The thought of losing Granny, or losing Mum or Dad, was just too awful to accept. Granddad had died when I was so young, too young to understand but now, at thirty-two, I knew too much.’
‘Sounds like you went into shock, Katie.’ I moved slightly so that I could look into his eyes.
‘Sitting there, I felt suddenly, intensely and overwhelmingly alone. Dad had Mum. Karl had Angelo. Aunty Gina had Tanberk. Rebecca was still young and she, at least, had social networking. But me? Coming from me this sounds sad but I wondered in that instant, who would support me and keep me afloat during tough times? I went and sat by Dad and he smiled at me but it didn’t reach his eyes. It was an attempt at bravery and I longed to be comforted by him. But try as I might, I couldn’t feel that old sense of unfaltering faith in his ability to make everything all right again. Dad is strong, he has connections, he could always make things better. But as I glanced at his lined face and his messy hair, I knew that it wasn’t true. Like all of us, he was mortal. Not even Dad could make this one all better. And realising that was tough, you know?’
Sam just nodded. ‘It’s hard when you see your parents as people, mortals like the rest of us. It takes time to come to terms with it all.’
‘I know. I think I’m still working at it.’
‘What happened next?’ he prompted me. I took a deep breath before continuing. I hadn’t spoken about that night to anyone other than Ann but now that I’d started, I found that I didn’t want to stop. It needed to come out; I needed to unburden myself and I’d always found it so easy to talk to Sam. He’d understood me so well when we were younger.
‘I went to the loo but when I got back to the waiting room, my legs nearly gave way. There was a doctor in the doorway and I could hear moaning coming from within. It was a raw animal sound and it filled me with dread. The doctor just stared at me with that blank professional look they have, then Dad said, ‘She’s gone, Katie.’ The pain in my chest in that moment was dreadful.’ I wiped at my eyes as the memories came rushing back. ‘The doctor said that we could go to see her. So we did.’ Sam pulled me against him again and as he stroked my hair, I let the tears fall.
I didn’t like letting go, allowing my emotions to rise raw and turbulent to the surface but as Sam held me, I let them. Being with him, it just seemed right. I felt safe enough to let it all out and I also knew that he wouldn’t judge me.
Chapter 13
I woke on Boxing Day in my own bed in Hawthorne Manor. I’d spent the majority of the night with Sam, talking about Granny and our shared memories of her. We hadn’t kissed again but that was okay. When my desire for him rose, it stopped me thinking clearly, and I wanted to keep a cool head and to be rational about our situation. I did want to feel his arms around me and his hard body beneath me and above me, I am only human, but it was too soon to allow that to happen. I knew that if I slept with him, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself falling head over heels for him and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. Or if he’d want me long term. He had a tough day ahead and I didn’t want to confuse him either.
I showered and dressed, then went downstairs to the kitchen. Mum was already up, perched on a kitchen stool with a mug of coffee in her hands.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Good morning, Katie. Sleep well?’
I nodded then poured myself a coffee. I could feel her eyes on me, burning into me.
‘Katie.’
‘Yes?’ I sipped my coffee and looked at her over the rim of my mug.
‘Do you know what you’re doing?’
‘What?’ My cheeks burned as she stared at me.
‘You need to be careful.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘Oh come on, love. You and Sam. It’s too soon.’
I bit the inside of my cheek hard. So that was bothering her, was it? ‘Nothing’s going on.’
‘Katie, I have eyes and I’m your mother. I know that you two still have feelings for each other. There’s evidently an attraction between you. He adores you; it’s all over his face. But his situation is complicated.’
‘Look, Mum,’ I placed my mug on the kitchen worktop, ‘nothing has happened between us and even if it had, it would be none of your business.’
She got up from her stool and approached me, then wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I stiffened.
‘Katie, I don’t want to see you get hurt all over again.’
I fought hard not to shrug her away. I didn’t want this right now. What good was a lecture going to do me? I knew that I had to take care and I didn’t need Esther telling me what to do.
‘I’ll be fine.’
‘And what about Jack and Holly?’ she asked. ‘If you two become involved, how will it affect the children? Do you even want children? You’ve claimed for the past nine years that you don’t, that your job is your life and that you have no time to be a mother. I suspect that it was your way of dealing with losing your first little baby—’
‘Stop it! Please.’ I held up a hand. ‘Please, Mum. Don’t do this now.’
‘You know, after the miscarriage, you pushed me away, Katie. I tried to help you, I really did.’
My eyes stung and I blinked hard, trying to clear my vision. ‘You were furious when I got pregnant.’
‘Not furious, Katie. Well, maybe for a bit, but it was just because I didn’t want you to tie yourself down. You and Sam had been together since you were seventeen and I wanted you to live a little, to experience what the world has to offer before you became a mother.’
‘And to be married.’
‘I’m old fashioned in that sense, Katie, and I won’t apologise for that. Although times have changed a lot, I know. Look at Karl and Angelo. You were so headstrong as a child. You always have been but that’s not always a bad thing.’ She rubbed my shoulders, then went and sat back down. ‘I knew that once you married, you’d immerse yourself in your relationship, give it everything you had. The same with motherhood. I just wanted you to be sure.’
‘But you always liked Sam.’
She nodded. ‘But you’re my daughter and I worried about you. I still do.’
I swallowed hard. I wanted to believe her but years of her aloofness had done so much damage. This Christmas had been about saying goodbye to her and Dad because of their imminent move to France. I was even looking forward to knowing that I wouldn’t be subjected to Esther’s disappointment in me more than a few times a year. I wouldn’t have the time to visit them in France often and I knew that once they’d settled out there, they wouldn’t return for a while. I wondered if it would hurt to share a little, before she left.
‘I don’t know what I want.’ The words slipped out and I watched her warily. If Granny had been around I would have confided in her but she wasn’t; Esther was. ‘I thought I did. I was set on pursuing my career, developing my business. I still am. But now, seeing Sam again, has been confusing.’
She nodded. I scanned her face for signs of judgement but could find none.
‘It’s going to
be a tough day for Sam. The children might not even realise the significance of the date but Sam will suffer. Do you know what he wants to do?’
I shook my head. ‘I thought I’d suggest a few things, perhaps get him, Jack and Holly out and about.’
‘What about ice-skating? There’s an outdoor ice rink in Tunbridge Wells.’
‘That’s a great idea. All of us?’ I was pleased that she was being practical, although wary. I’d always be wary around her; over thirty years of having her as my mother had established that.
‘Let’s put it to a vote over breakfast.’
‘Good plan.’ I finished my coffee. ‘Do you want a hand?’
‘Yes please,’ she said and handed me an apron.
We stood side by side as she chopped tomatoes and peppers and I beat a dozen eggs in a large bowl.
‘How do you feel about us selling the house, Katie?’
I shrugged. It seemed sensible for them to do what they wanted to do now that Granny was gone. Of course, I’d realised that up until now, I’d always been able to return to my childhood home, no matter what. And that when the house sold, I’d never be able to sleep in my old bed or walk into the kitchen and smell the delicious aroma of cooked dinner again. I wouldn’t able to follow Dad into the garage and sit with him while he enjoyed a cigar and told me about Christmases with his parents when he used to go to the pub with his father and have half a bitter, then return home to find that Granny had baked mince pies and gingerbread angels. But that was life, right? Growing up, moving on. ‘If it’s what you and Dad need to do, then do it.’
‘Good morning, Katie!’ Dad walked into the kitchen and kissed my cheek.
‘We were just talking about our move, darling,’ Mum told him.
‘Your mum always wanted to live in France.’
‘You did?’ I asked her.
‘It was my childhood dream. I was going to be an artist or a pastry chef and live in a small French village. I intended to buy fresh baguettes every morning and drink coffee in a tiny café as I watched the world go by.’ Her eyes had taken on a glazed appearance as if she was faraway.
‘I had no idea, Mum.’ Esther had harboured such romantic dreams?
‘There was no point talking about something that never happened. It was just a dream. For a while.’ She watched Dad as he poured himself a coffee.
‘Your mum was actually quite similar to Aunty Gina.’ Dad stirred sugar into his mug. ‘She was rather bohemian.’
‘Charles!’ Esther laughed.
‘You were a hippy?’ I stared at my mother, trying to picture her in a kaftan or a long floaty skirt and flip-flops.
‘More in my ideology than my clothing.’
‘She had this long, blonde hair that she used to weave flowers into and sometimes she’d braid it but just at the front. You were so beautiful, Esther.’
‘Thank you, darling.’
I shook my head. This was all news to me. Esther had only ever seemed concerned about cleaning and cooking and making sure that Karl and I knew our manners and didn’t embarrass her or Dad in front of relatives or family friends. It was difficult to marry the idea of a younger, less-serious woman with the one I’d grown up knowing.
‘It’s hard when you have children, Katie. They become your priority. Nothing else matters. I know you find it hard to believe because I’m painfully aware of how…how you see me. It hurts but I don’t blame you.’
‘Uh…okay.’ What was going on with her? My mother seemed to have experienced a complete transformation and I was starting to wonder if she’d been abducted by aliens. Or had Granny’s death affected her as much as it had me? I hadn’t seen her much since the funeral; I just figured she’d be the same old Esther this Christmas. But maybe losing Granny had caused her to re-evaluate or something? It was one of the reasons her and Dad were moving to France – finally, apparently – for a fresh start. Maybe she was making a fresh start as a mother too…?
I ground some pepper into the eggs and folded it in, giving Esther a chance to say more if she wanted to but it seemed like she’d revealed all that she was going to for one day. I was, however, keen to hear more when she was ready to talk about it.
***
After breakfast, I walked down to the lodge with Sam and the children. We’d agreed to go ice-skating; it had been the children’s decision, although Gina and Rebecca had opted to hit the sales instead, which meant that Tanberk had to go too. I wondered if he’d experienced the madness of the post-Christmas sales before and pitied him.
Jack and Holly ran on ahead of us to let the dogs out.
‘How are you feeling today?’ I asked, apprehension making me shiver.
‘Strange,’ Sam replied. ‘I’ve been dreading the date but now that’s it’s here, it’s not really any different to any other day. I was worried about Jack, in case he realised, but he seems happily oblivious.’
‘That’s good.’
‘Of course, he’s quite a resilient character, so it could be that he’s well aware that it’s the anniversary but he’s putting on a brave face for me and Holly.’
‘Well perhaps keeping busy will help too?’ I asked. I was the master of keeping busy to avoid dwelling on my own pain.
‘Hopefully,’ Sam said. ‘I’m just glad that you’re here.’
‘Me too.’
I had to look away then because I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes.
We took two cars to Calverley Grounds, where the Christmas open-air ice-skating rink was located. It was set up annually in the historic park in the centre of Tunbridge Wells. I went in the car with Sam and the children and Mum and Dad went with Karl and Angelo. Jack and Holly chattered on excitedly throughout the journey so I just sat quietly and listened to them. Every now and then, Sam rolled his eyes or laughed at something they said. It was good to see him relaxed because I’d been dreading today and the emotions it might stir up for him.
Once we’d parked, we donned our hats, scarves and gloves then went to pick up our tickets. Dad had telephoned before we set off to make sure that we could get in as the last thing we wanted was to disappoint Jack and Holly.
Even though it was still morning, the ice rink was busy and as we approached my stomach somersaulted. I’d only been ice-skating once before and I’d been knocked over by another amateur. It had winded me and I’d been soaking from the fall, so I’d avoided going again for over twenty years. But here I was, about to try once more. For Sam’s children’s sakes. For Sam’s sake. Hell, even for my own sake because even if you’ve fallen before, you have to get back up and try again, right?
Sam helped Jack and Holly to put their skates on then fastened his own. I fumbled with the laces on mine as my hands trembled.
‘Are you sure you want to go out on the ice, Katie?’ Mum asked.
‘I kind of have to now.’
‘Well take care, sweetheart,’ Dad said. ‘You can’t bake cakes with a broken arm.’
‘Or stand up all day on a broken leg,’ Mum added.
‘Thanks for that. Now I’m really nervous. You should have a go too,’ I told them both.
‘No, Katie. I like to keep control of my feet, thank you,’ Mum said. ‘Besides, what if I broke something? At my age, it would take me even longer to recover.’
‘I guess so.’ I shrugged. ‘Well, have fun and also get me a mulled wine for when I come off the ice. I’ll need it.’ I smiled at them but my stomach had turned to liquid.
I hobbled over to the gate onto the ice and waited whilst Sam let Jack and Holly through. Then he reached for me and held me as I stepped nervously through the gate.
‘Are you ready?’ he asked.
I nodded.
‘Come on then!’ With that, he took Holly by the hand and they glided away gracefully like a height mismatched Torville and Dean. Jack flew past me three times as I just stood there shaking. Every time I tried to move, my feet slid away from me and I felt like a new-born giraffe. I focused on keeping my feet together and ig
noring the giggles from a group of teenaged girls who were watching from the sidelines.
Suddenly, a strong hand took hold of my arm and I squealed as I started moving.
‘Come on Katie! What are you waiting for?’ It was Sam. He’d released Holly and she now skated along next to Jack, confident as if they’d been born on the ice.
‘How are they so good?’ I asked.
‘We go regularly. It helps to keep us all fit and stops Jack devoting too much time to computer games.’
‘You’re all amazing,’ I said, breathless with exertion and admiration.
‘You’re amazing,’ he replied as he wrapped his arm around my waist and took my left hand in his so that I was completely supported. With him holding me like that, I felt that I could keep moving. I was safe and secure and as long as he kept hold of me, I knew that it would be all right. ‘This was a great plan, Katie.’
I nodded. I was surprised that I was actually enjoying myself. The air was ice cold on my cheeks but I found it refreshing. The faces of the crowd around the rink became a blur as we picked up speed. With Sam beside me, holding me tight, I felt more confident and less self-conscious.
‘You’re brave, Katie. You know that?’
‘What?’ I laughed. I didn’t feel brave at all. I was downright terrified by a lot of things but I did them because, otherwise, they wouldn’t get done. Going to the bank manager to ask for a business loan, handing in my notice at a steady, well-paid job in order to set up my own business, getting a contraceptive implant to ensure that I couldn’t get pregnant again. They were just things that had to be done.
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