‘Yeah, yeah.’ I tapped him on the chest but I couldn’t help the glow that his compliments gave me. I liked being seen through his eyes.
‘Shall we take the rest of the wine into the lounge?’
‘Good idea,’ I said and I followed him from the kitchen. As I reached for the light switch by the door, I gave the kitchen a final glance. It was a real home; it had been another woman’s home. That thought made me a bit sad, for Maria and for what she had lost; for what she had been about to leave before she died. And for Sam, Jack and Holly. But it also made me hopeful. Maria might be gone but there was a beautiful family here, a family I already felt that I was becoming a part of. I even sensed that Maria might be happy for her husband and children, knowing that they were well, that they were cared for. The house had such a lovely atmosphere. I could fit right in and be contented here.
But was I getting carried away?
I shook my head and turned off the light, then went into the lounge. No sense in all this worrying. I couldn’t control everything and I was starting to realise that sometimes I just had to go with the flow.
‘Sit here, Katie!’ Holly patted the sofa next to her. ‘We saved you a space.’
As I squeezed in between her and Jack, my thoughts about fitting in and becoming a part of this family didn’t seem so far-fetched after all.
***
I stretched out on the sofa and closed my eyes. Sam had taken the kids up to get ready for bed. He’d told me to relax and finish my wine. Holly had pouted and insisted that she wanted me to help her wash her hair but Sam had stayed firm. I could see why. Holly knew that I was a soft touch and would probably have strung things out even longer.
I must have dozed for a bit because, before I knew it, Sam was on the sofa next to me pulling me into his strong arms.
‘Mmm. All done?’ I asked as I snuggled into him.
‘All done. I promised Holly you’d give her a kiss later on. She’d just have coerced you into reading her another story if you’d gone up. She’s really taken with you.’
‘I wouldn’t have minded.’
‘Yes but I wanted some time alone with you too,’ he whispered into my neck as he nuzzled it gently.
‘That’s so good.’
‘You’re so good.’
‘Ooh tell me more.’ I giggled as he tickled under my arms. ‘No! Not tickling! I’m too full of spaghetti.’
‘Yes, you deserve a good tickling, Katie. No excuses!’ He grinned as he straddled me and pinned my arms above my head. I wriggled my legs, a delightful panic seizing me as I realised that there was no way I could escape from this huge, powerful man. And he was threatening to tickle me, to put those large strong hands all over me.
‘Please…I’ll do anything.’ I stared into his eyes, willing him to release me. ‘Anything other than be tickled.’
He moved forwards and kissed me. ‘Anything?’
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Hmmm. I need to think about that one.’ He let go of my arms and moved off me, then pulled me upright and wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
‘Any ideas yet?’ I asked, peering up at him. His stubbly jaw was wide and strong and I ran a hand over it, loving the way it felt beneath my fingers.
He grabbed my hand and kissed the palm. ‘Katie?’ His tone had changed, suddenly serious.
‘What’s wrong?’ Had he decided that he wanted me to go?
‘I’ve tried not to let myself get too involved with you. Not because I don’t want to, but because this is all quite complicated. But I’ll have to be honest now, which I’m afraid to do because…well, I don’t want to scare you away but…’ He released me and ran a hand through his hair.
‘What? Tell me!’ My heart thundered and my blood whooshed through my ears.
‘Katie,’ he whispered, stroking my cheek with his fingertips. ‘I have to tell you that I’m—’
‘Daddy!’ Holly ran into the room. ‘My belly hur…blurgh!’ Her mouth opened and a rainbow of vomit flew from it, covering Sam’s legs, my feet and most of the rug in front of it. ‘I’m so…sorr…blurgh!’ And again. The liquid emerged from her little body with the force of a jet plane and this time it covered my legs too.
I raised my hands, uncertain how to react. The stench was horrendous, a mixture of bolognese, icecream and undigested jelly sweets.
Sam sprang to his feet with a gymnast’s poise and speed. ‘It’s all right, Holly. Don’t panic. Let’s get you upstairs and into the bathroom, then we can clean this up.’ He didn’t seem shocked or perturbed at all.
He flashed me an apologetic look, then scooped his vomit-soaked child into his arms and disappeared. I sat on his sofa and stared at the red and brown pool on the floor, trying not to retch as my wet jeans clung to my legs. So this was family life, eh? A lovely cinema trip followed by a delicious dinner and some passionate kissing, then on to a serious discussion about our ‘relationship’ when in bursts a child who promptly vomits all over us.
A distressed murmuring from upstairs suddenly tugged at my heart. Poor little Holly. I had to go to see how she was as well as get myself cleaned up, so I gingerly climbed the stairs and knocked on the bathroom door.
I was certainly a part of this family now that I’d had my vomit baptism and it seemed like a sleepover was definitely on the cards.
***
I spent a rather restful night in the spare bed although I was, unfortunately, alone. Sam had cleaned Holly up, then she’d asked to sleep in with him. There was no way that he could refuse her request and no way that I would have let him. I accepted one of his T-shirts and a pair of lounge pants, then showered before heading to the spare room. I got a hug and a chaste peck on the cheek and that was that. But even so, I was all warm inside. It was strange really. You’d have thought that I’d have felt a bit peeved to have had my night of passion cut short but I didn’t. In a way, I was actually a bit relieved. Things with Sam were moving quickly and it made me nervous. Not so much the physical side – I wanted to jump his bones so much – but the whole emotional thing. Having held a torch for him all those years coupled with the fact that he was such a dreamboat with a big loving heart, was causing me some serious butterflies of the heart–stomach variety.
So a reprieve from what I was convinced would have been extremely hot sex that would have made me fall deeply and irrevocably in love with Sam once more, made me sleep easy. If I fell for him, gave myself to him, how would I manage if it all went wrong? How would he manage? How would Crumbtious manage?
The loaned T-shirt and lounge pants proved to be really comfy and as I snuggled into the guest bed, watching reruns of Sex in the City on the room’s wall-mounted TV, I was aware of how lucky I was to be there, to have possibilities ahead and to be sharing in Sam’s family life, even if it didn’t last. At least I now knew what it was to be part of a family.
And it was bloody lovely.
***
Sam woke me bright and early next morning with Holly hot on his heels. She was feeling a lot better so we snuggled up together on the sofa while Sam made breakfast and we chatted happily. She tested me on the plot of the movie we’d seen the day before and it was as if she’d never been ill at all. If only adults could recover as quickly as children from their ailments. Sam claimed that it was due to Calpol, but I suspected it was linked to the fact that she’d just eaten too much the day before and been so excited.
After breakfast, Sam walked me out to my car. He was quiet and kept his hands in his jean pockets as I opened the car door. I didn’t know what to do. Should I kiss him? Should I just get in the car and drive away?
‘Sam, are you okay?’
He nodded but he didn’t meet my eyes. My heart sank.
‘I really enjoyed last night, Katie.’
‘Me too. Even being covered in vomit wasn’t as bad as I—’
‘Katie.’ He shook his head. ‘Do you believe in signs?’
‘Well…uh…sometimes I guess I’m a bit superstitious, but most o
f the time I’d say that it’s all nonsense. Although, I don’t ever walk under a ladder and —’
‘Katie. I told you I’ve been confused.’ He ran a hand through his thick hair. ‘And we both know that our situation is complicated. Things were going so well last night but then, with Holly being sick and all, I wondered if it was some sort of sign. I mean, if she hadn’t come down when she did, we might have, you know.’ He met my eyes and I struggled to keep my face blank. Where was he going with this?
‘What are you saying, Sam?’
‘I don’t know. I wish that this was easier than it is. Jack and Holly like you. Really like you. And it scares me.’
‘Would you prefer them to hate me?’ I smiled but he didn’t smile back.
‘No, no, of course not. But what if they grow to love you and you find that you can’t love them back?’
‘I…I can’t imagine that happening, Sam. I really can’t. They’re adorable.’
‘It’s not easy having them around full time though, Katie. You don’t actually know how tiring it can be when they’re ill at two in the morning, or when you have to pick them up from school, then take them to the dentist before you make dinner, which has to be done quickly because they have rugby or ballet at six. It’s all go. It really is. And I know that Crumbtious means a lot to you. But when you have children, they always have to come first.’
‘I know that, Sam.’
‘I’m just afraid that this will be too much. If they were your own children then it would hopefully come naturally but—’
Something inside me snapped. ‘But they’re not! I know that, Sam, I’m not an idiot. You’re talking to me like I’ve got rose-tinted glasses on and like I have no idea what I could be getting myself into. Do you think I don’t understand? Because I’m not a real mother?’ My voice cracked. ‘Because I couldn’t even carry my own baby to full term?’
His mouth fell open and I could see that he hadn’t intended to hurt me but my pain had bubbled to the surface and now it was boiling over. Sam had voiced my doubts and fears and I couldn’t contain them any longer. ‘Yes, I’m worried that I won’t be up to this. Yes, I’m scared that I might not be able to love the children as much as I would have done if they were my own. Yes, I’m afraid of falling in love with you all over again and losing…losing…’ My breath came in ragged little gasps and my chest throbbed with anger and hurt. Sam moved towards me and reached for me but I pulled away. ‘No!’ I held up a hand. ‘No. If you think Holly throwing up last night was some kind of sign that we shouldn’t be together again, then, fine. You’re right. Let’s leave it at that.’ I was an idiot, a complete and utter fool for thinking that Sam and I could ever go back and regain the love we’d once shared. I had begun to open up to him, to let him into my heart and my life, and it had backfired spectacularly. Better now than later.
‘Katie, I didn’t mean it like that. Let me explain. I’m just not very good at navigating my way around this situation. It’s all so difficult, so confusing.’ He held out his hands but I backed away from them as if they could burn me. I got into the car and locked the door behind me. I sat there gasping for a moment, trying to regain my composure while Sam stood on his driveway, his face pale and crumpled. He looked from me to the house and back again as if he didn’t know what to do. But I knew what I had to do. I had to get out of there sharpish before I shattered into tiny pieces that could never be glued back together again.
***
Back in West Hampstead, I raced up the stairs to the flat, keen to get into my room so that I could have a good cry and get Sam out of my system, but when I opened the door a very pale Ann was waiting for me, on the sofa, with Mark.
‘What are you two looking so serious about?’ I threw my keys into the bowl on the kitchen unit, then took the chair facing them.
Ann glanced at Mark and I watched him squeeze her hand.
‘It’s like coming home to my parents after staying out all night. I’m not sixteen any more, guys. I can look after myself.’
‘It’s not that,’ Ann said softly. My stomach dropped as I registered her pallid face and the dark shadows beneath her eyes. She looked worse than I did.
‘Oh!’ I covered my mouth. ‘Are you…ill?’
She shook her head.
‘Thank goodness for that!’ I exhaled slowly. ‘Then what the hell is wrong? You both look like someone pooped in your cereal.’ She turned green at my comment.
‘Ann and I…’ Mark swallowed hard. ‘We’re going to be parents.’
‘What?’ I yelled as I jumped from my seat. ‘You two are having a baby?’
Ann nodded and I flung myself at her. ‘This is just amazing! Congratulations. Woo-hoo! When, oh, when?’ I kissed my best friend, then gave her fiancé a hug. Thank goodness someone had a chance of happiness.
‘It’s still early days yet so we haven’t told anyone, but of course I wanted to tell you.’ Ann’s big blue eyes filled with tears behind her glasses.
‘Thank you!’ My throat constricted as I gave her another hug. ‘I’m honoured.’
She tried to smile but her lips shook. ‘Thing is, Katie. We still want to get married but now we need to do it as quickly as possible.’
‘Really? It’s not the Victorian era, you know. You don’t have to be married to have a baby any more.’ I grinned at them but they didn’t grin back. ‘Okay. No problem. Well, uh, do you want me to check if the local registry office has dates available or are you going to try to get into one of the churches around here or—’ I stopped talking as I realised that they were both shaking their heads.
‘Katie, we’re going to Vegas.’ Ann pressed her lips together.
I clapped my hands together as my head was filled with images of smiling newlyweds in flashy convertibles parked outside a picture-perfect chapel with a white picket fence. ‘Vegas? Like the Elvis Chapel? Oh wow! I’ve always wanted to go there. When? I’ll get packing. This is so exciting.’ A trip to the USA would be amazing and what better way to forget my fresh heartache?
‘Katie!’ Ann held up a hand and my stomach flipped as she removed her glasses and big, fat tears rolled down her cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry.’
My legs gave way and I knelt in front of them. Of course. At this short notice and with us being business partners and all, there was no way that we could both go. Because of the shop. We couldn’t just up and leave it and Ann had to go – she was the one having a shotgun wedding. Plus we had that meeting arranged with the bank manager and it would seem unprofessional to cancel that, which might affect our chances of borrowing more money.
‘Of course,’ I whispered. ‘Of course.’ I slapped my hand against my forehead and the sting helped me to clear my thoughts. ‘How could I have been such an idiot?’
Ann slipped off the sofa and took me into her arms. ‘You’re not an idiot, sweetheart. You’re my best friend in the whole world and you have to know that I want you there but we can’t both leave the shop. This is the only wedding I want to have and I am a traditional kind of girl in lots of ways, so I really want to be married before I have this baby. Mark suggested Vegas. Not the most traditional setting for a wedding, I know, but one we can always remember.’
‘Oh it will be wonderful,’ I said. And I meant it. ‘Now let’s get a cup of tea and you can tell me all about it as I get baking downstairs.’ I swallowed hard.
‘Thank you, Katie.’
‘Don’t be silly. What are best friends for after all?’ I gave her another hug, then went through to the kitchen area and put the kettle on. So I couldn’t be there to see my friend saying her vows, but I would make sure that she went away feeling positive, and that she had an amazing party to come home to. But as I mentally ticked off a list of things that I’d need to arrange, another thought popped into my head. Who on earth would I ask to help me out in the shop while Ann was away?
A handsome face appeared in my mind, but I shook my head at how ridiculous it seemed. Yes, Sam could cook – some things he’d said – but
he had his own business to run and he wouldn’t want to spend a week working in the shop with me. So who else could help?
A shiver ran down my spine as I realised who I would have to ask. But there was nothing else for it. I would have to do it or Ann would be a mother before she had a ring on her finger and I wanted to help my best friend out. And being a good friend is all about making sacrifices to help out the ones we love, right?
Chapter 19
I stood in my parents’ kitchen and nursed the mug of steaming coffee that Esther had just handed me. My stomach was churning like I was fifteen again and facing a row for skipping History twice in a week. But it was ridiculous, I scolded myself, because I was no longer a teenager and this was totally different. Still, I didn’t like having to ask anyone for favours, especially not my mother.
‘What is it, Katie?’ Esther asked as she gestured at the kitchen table.
I took a seat and placed my mug on a coaster.
‘Where’s Dad?’
She shook her head. ‘Playing golf, darling, of course. He’s keen to squeeze in a game while it’s sunny.’
I nodded and sipped my coffee. March was turning out to be quite mild and it looked like all the pupils and teachers would get a pleasant Easter break soon, but it also meant that the shop would be even busier. My stomach clenched and the sensation made me gasp.
‘Mum, I have to ask you something.’
‘Okay. Well, whatever it is, Katie, I’m sure it’s not that bad.’
I met her enquiring gaze and marvelled at how attractive she was. How did she do it? Sat before her in my usual baggy jumper, stretchy jeans and with my hair pulled into a messy ponytail, I knew I looked a state. Yet although it was barely nine on a Wednesday morning, my mother looked like she’d just come off a catwalk. Ann and Mark were covering the shop while I came to ask for Esther’s help and I’d promised that I wouldn’t be too long as the aromas in the kitchen were making Ann’s nausea worse.
‘Right, Mum. Well, I need your help.’
‘You do?’ Her cheeks flushed and her knuckles whitened as she gripped her mug tighter.
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