***
Snuggled into Sam in the limousine after the awards ceremony had finished, I wanted to fall asleep instantly. I was drained and I needed to rest before I could deal with anything else. The evening had taken a surprising turn but I knew that it was for the best. Karl couldn’t have hidden his love for Angelo for much longer and he shouldn’t have to.
‘So where do you want to go?’ Sam asked me.
‘Do you mind if we just go back to the flat?’ I mumbled into his chest. ‘I’m so tired and I just want to be somewhere familiar. Besides, it’s going to be chaos here shortly, now that it’s on Twitter.’
He squeezed me against his chest. ‘You’re not wrong there. But things have obviously been playing on his mind and I really doubt that this will do him any harm. Probably open up even more roles for him.’
I nodded. ‘I just don’t want to see even less of him. I miss him when he’s away filming.’
Sam stroked my hair in reply and I closed my eyes. ‘Home it is then.’
I woke to Sam lifting me out of the limo, his strong arms supporting me as if I was made of silk and air. I wrapped my arms around his neck and breathed in his aroma of fresh citrus, Champagne and masculinity. It made me want to lick his skin to take his taste deep into my mouth and enjoy it all the longer.
We let ourselves into the flat and I pulled off my shoes and flexed my toes. It was strange walking barefoot after having my feet at such an awkward angle all night, but it also felt liberating to be back on my usual level. ‘I should ring Mum…let her know.’ I toyed with my bottom lip. I really did not feel up to waking my mother from her slumber at one in the morning to explain what my perfect brother Karl had been up to. Esther would hate that her family would be splashed all over the papers and I just hoped that it would blow over quickly. No doubt, knowing how much people loved Karl, he’d soon become a gay icon and have a clothing line dedicated to him and Angelo. After all, the gorgeous Italian was a model with his own career and he’d no doubt have to deal with the fallout too – hopefully all of it positive.
‘Why don’t you just drop her a text and tell her that we decided to come home and will open the shop in the morning? Save waking her now. Then you can phone her first thing. Or I’ll do it if you can’t face it.’
‘Really?’ I smiled. ‘You’d do that for me?’
He tilted his head to one side. ‘Anything for you, Katie. Now, can I put the kettle on, I’m gasping for a cuppa?’
‘Carry on. I need to get out of this dress.’
‘And now I’m torn between saving myself from dying of thirst or watching you get out of that dress.’ He held out his hands as if weighing things up.
‘I have to visit the bathroom too, so make the tea, lover boy.’ I waved at him, then went into my bedroom and closed the door gently behind me. As I changed into my baggy old pyjamas, I thought about the evening’s events and how Karl had reacted in a very public arena. He lived his life that way, in high visibility, but I’d always kept to the shadows. I liked being successful and loved how I’d built a business from scratch alongside my best friend, but recent events had made it clear to me that I did need something else too. Karl’s bravery tonight was impressive. He had put everything on the line to be with the man he loved. But then he knew that Angelo truly loved him and it would be easier to just go for it if I was certain that things could work out with Sam because, let’s face it, it wasn’t just about us two, was it? There were children and dogs involved. Was I capable of taking a chance and throwing caution to the wind, of giving myself to him and the children and just living? Could I trust myself to be the mother that the children would need me to be?
I cleaned off my make-up with a wipe, then ran my fingers through my hair. In my baggy nightclothes with my face devoid of make-up and with my messy hair, I didn’t think I was that appealing. But I was me and Sam had always seemed to like me the way I was.
Perhaps I should give things a chance to run their course, see how things worked out without worrying so much all the time. I opened the door and crossed the lounge to the bathroom, glancing behind me to flash Sam a seductive smile. But he wasn’t in the kitchen area. He was on the sofa – fast asleep with a big grin on his handsome face.
I brushed my teeth and washed my face, then slid onto the sofa next to Sam and wrapped his big arm around my waist. He didn’t move. He was out cold. I snuggled into him, wondering how I’d ever manage to drop off with his gorgeous body right next to my own, then promptly fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
***
I stirred to a gentle tickling on the back of my neck. The flat lounge was grey with early morning light and I was warm and safe in Sam’s arms.
‘Morning, Katie,’ he whispered, trailing soft kisses up my neck and behind my ear.
‘Mmm. Morning. What time is it?’ I turned to him and my breath caught as I met his big brown eyes. His dark hair was all sleep-messy and he had a line down the one side of his face from sleeping on the sofa cushions. He looked cuter than he ever had before.
‘Don’t look at the clock,’ he said and pressed his lips to mine. I breathed in the intoxicating scent of his skin.
‘Sam!’ I sighed. ‘I have to check the time. I won’t be able to relax if I don’t.’
He frowned but released me. I grabbed my mobile and instantly regretted it.
‘Oh damn! It’s five-thirty a.m. I have to get up and get downstairs. Cakes won’t bake themselves.’
‘Katie, can’t you just leave it for a while, please? It seems like every time we have a chance to be alone, something crops up. I want to spend some time with you. We need to talk without any interruptions.’
I stared at him. ‘Sam, I have a business to run. I can’t just forget about it. If I don’t get up now and get baking, then there will be nothing for people to buy today and we’ll make no money. Worse still, we might lose some of our regular customers and they are essential to the success of Crumbtious.’
‘I understand that, I do. I’m just asking for half an hour. I want you, Katie.’
‘You want me?’
‘Yes.’ He reached for me again but something inside me snapped. What the hell was I doing? I’d spent years working towards my goal of owning my own business and building up a steady customer base and now, because Sam was back in my life, I was actually considering risking it all. And for what?
What if this didn’t work out? What if I gave myself to Sam and he felt that it wasn’t working or the children decided they didn’t like me? What if I wasn’t any good at being a mother and I couldn’t love the children as if they were my own? There was so much that could go wrong here. If Jack and Holly turned against me as they grew older, life with Sam would be untenable. Maria would always be angel-perfect in their eyes because Sam had said he would never tell them about her affair. Could I really compete with Sam’s dead wife, with his children’s love for her and also with her family who would always be there watching over Jack and Holly?
I could never, and would never, want to take Maria’s place. I realised I was in love with Sam and always had been, but so much had happened since we’d been together. Had I been kidding myself this whole time that I could just slot back into his life? Did I really want to take on two children, two dogs and a home and to risk what I’d been working for the past nine years? Could we really ever get back what we once had, or was I trying to live in the past?
My business had kept me going, had given me a purpose and I wasn’t prepared to risk it. Not even for Sam.
I pushed him away and stood up. ‘I need to text Esther to let her know I’m here and to warn her about what happened last night with Karl. It’s already exploded on social media, so it’s only a matter of time before it gets back to our parents.’
‘Katie, don’t do this please. Talk to me!’ He got up and held out his hands. ‘We can work this out, find a way.’
I shook my head and avoided meeting his eyes. The pain in my chest threatened to rip my heart in two but I
just couldn’t do this. ‘No, Sam. We can’t. I was wrong to think that we could. We can’t go back. There’s too much at stake. You need to leave now.’
He stared at me for a moment and I met his gaze but the sadness there made me long to run into his arms and tell him I didn’t mean it, that it would all be okay. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
And as he gathered his things then walked out the door, my trembling legs gave way and I crumpled into a sobbing heap.
What on earth had I done and how was I ever going to get over Sam a second time?
***
Spring was in full bloom and I tried to enjoy walking along the high street and seeing the fresh green shoots pushing their way up through the earth, in flowerbeds and pots, like tiny fingers pointing at the sky. I had to force myself to remember that there was a whole world out there and other skies to sleep under. The birds were oblivious to my heartache and they woke me each morning as they sang on the wires outside my bedroom window. Ann had returned from her Vegas trip three weeks ago and I was no longer subjected to the sound of her early morning retching, as her nausea had passed and she was beginning to glow as she moved further into her pregnancy.
There were things in the world to enjoy and life could be good. I repeated this mantra over and over, determined to convince myself that I had done the right thing. No woman could compete with the perfection of the angels – which was how I envisaged Sam’s wife Maria, as if she floated somewhere in the sky all beautiful and perfect in a billowing white gown with wings and a halo. Sometimes, Granny floated past with her too and she always made me smile with her frothy white outfit and slippers. Her halo was slightly off centre and she’d wave madly at me and flash me a big grin which made her false teeth clack. She glowed with health and vitality, the way I remembered her and the way I always wanted to. Sometimes she stuck around but sometimes she hurried Sam’s wife along and I envied the younger woman being able to spend time – albeit time created in my imagination – with my precious grandmother.
Of course, I was creating a story, a version of how things were rather than an actual reality, and I knew it, but I had to deal with my feelings for Sam somehow and reinforcing the idea that he’d lived a whole life since our time together seemed to help me to stay firm. I’m not trying to say that I hadn’t written him a few drunken texts (that I promptly deleted and never sent) or that I hadn’t had many mirror conversations with him (or rather my reflection) where I confessed that I loved him deeply and he told me that I was the only woman for him, but I had managed to avoid actually contacting him or seeing him. But not thinking about him. Oh, no! He was there in my bloody thoughts every moment. And my dreams – the nightmares where I couldn’t find him and the erotic ones that woke me before I ever reached fulfilment, emotionally or physically.
I kept myself busy with work and with helping Ann to plan a spring wedding party. We did all of the baking ourselves to save money and Mark had hired a local pub in West Hampstead where he’d arranged to have a marquee set up in the picturesque grounds.
At the beginning of April, we loaded a van we’d borrowed from Mark’s friend with cakes, sandwiches and Champagne, then took it all over to the pub and set it up in the marquee. We returned to the flat for a quick change, then got back to the pub for Ann and Mark’s long overdue reception. They both wore white, which I thought was cute, with her in a silk dress that drifted over her new curves like a second skin and him wearing a white tux. They’d explained that the white represented their fresh start and new beginnings and I welled up with tears every time I looked at them.
Soon most of the guests had arrived and I was enjoying the fresh sunny afternoon and the cool, crisp Champagne. The pub had provided their regular DJ and he’d set his decks up in the marquee. He played a variety of songs from the sixties to the recent charts in order to appeal to the age range of the guests. I was leaning against a tent post, debating whether or not to get a refill when Mum and Dad arrived with Karl and Angelo. My parents had taken news of Karl’s announcement in their stride and Karl had told me that my mother had suggested that they marry sooner rather than later, seeing as how they were clearly deeply in love. They adored Angelo and clearly wanted Karl to be happy. His dramatic declaration at the awards ceremony had made us all aware of how much my brother had been suffering and we all just wanted to see him move on with his life and to be able to live it as honestly and transparently as possible. Keeping a secret from the media is hard for any celebrity and keeping quiet about the love of his life had been wearing Karl down.
‘Hello, Katie,’ Mum said as she kissed my cheek. ‘How’re you feeling?’
‘I’m okay, Mum. Keeping busy.’
Perhaps it was the prospect of her approaching departure to France or maybe that she and Dad had finally aired their long-kept secret but she was definitely warmer than she used to be. I doubted that we would ever have that special closeness I’d seen other mothers and daughters have but at least we had something more positive now, something I could work with. And I knew that the experience with her had taught me a lot – if I was ever lucky enough to have a daughter of my own, I would cherish her every moment of her life and she would never know the pain of feeling that she had disappointed the woman she loved most in all the world. But, of course, I would never have a child. I’d resolved to stay single and to focus on my business.
‘Hey, Dad,’ I whispered as I kissed his cheek.
‘You are a beautiful girl, Katie, you know?’ He stared into my eyes and my throat constricted. ‘I know I keep saying it but I’m so sorry for the hurt I caused, sweetheart. I’m afraid that I have no excuses. I’m human and I erred – big time – but I hope that you know that I always loved you, Karl and your mum. I never meant to hurt any of you. I was a selfish bastard when I was younger, hell, I’m still one now at times, but you three are my world and if I could turn back time—’
I took his hand. ‘Unfortunately, we don’t have a time machine, Dad. We all make mistakes and I can’t say that I’m not disappointed. I mean, I always thought that you were perfect but, much as I’d love to be your little girl, I’m an adult now and I can’t just deny that we’re all flawed in some way. But loving people is about forgiving them, right? About accepting and moving on and making the most of the time that we have.’ I watched as his eyes glistened and squeezed his hand tight. ‘I love you, Dad. Just make sure that you take Mum anywhere she wants to go once the house has sold.’
He smiled and blinked hard. ‘Actually, about the house—’
I held up a hand. ‘Don’t tell me, it’s gone already?’
He nodded.
‘Well that’s great news! Now, why don’t you grab some seats and I’ll get some Champagne to help us celebrate?’
He pulled out a chair at the nearest table and Mum sat down. I watched them for a moment over Karl’s shoulder as he pulled me into a crushing big-brother hug. Mum was glowing with happiness. She needed to do this, to go on her own adventure. After years of being a wife, a daughter-in-law and a mother, she was finally getting her wish granted. And it looked like Dad couldn’t do enough for her. To find each other again after what they’d been through and to be in love like that in their sixties showed that love can evolve. It’s a complex emotion and one that can never stay the same, but I’m sure that once you lock on a target and give that person your heart, it takes a lot to let go. If that’s even possible.
A chill crept over me. Had I done the right thing letting Sam go? What if I’d made a huge mistake?
‘How’re you doing?’ Karl asked as he gently released me.
I shrugged. ‘I’m fine. I should be asking you that question.’ I poked him in the chest. ‘Has there been a day in the past month when you haven’t been in the tabloids?’
‘Oh they’ll get tired of me. But it’s great publicity. No adverse effects at all.’ He grinned and his whitened teeth glinted.
‘I read that you and Angelo have been asked to film a commercial for testicular c
ancer and that he’s secured a contract with a supermarket chain to be the face of their new menswear range. Is that right?’ I asked, well aware that sometimes the press exaggerate.
Karl ruffled my hair and I immediately tried to smooth it down.
‘Oh you know, Katie. We’ve offers pouring in left, right and centre. It’s all good. And if we can do anything to help a good cause or a charity while we have the limelight, we’re happy to do it.’
‘That’s fabulous news, Karl. Shall we get some drinks?’ I nodded in the direction of the free bar.
‘Please!’ He wiggled his eyebrows. ‘Angelo, I won’t be a moment.’ He blew a kiss at his lover, then flung an arm around my shoulder and we crossed the tent.
‘You didn’t answer my question,’ he said as he rested against the bar and perused the bottles in the fridge. I knew this technique of his, feigning disinterest in order to elicit more information from me.
‘I really am fine.’ I gritted my teeth together.
‘How can you possibly be fine, Katie? Sam’s not fine, I’ll tell you that right now.’
My heart began to race. ‘What do you mean? Why isn’t he fine?’ My palms were instantly clammy and the Champagne I’d consumed fizzed in my belly.
‘He loves you, you idiot. Angelo and I’ve met up with him a few times. I’m really worried that he’s sinking into depression.’
‘What?’ My heart clenched in agony as I thought of Sam being unhappy. Sam with his big brown eyes and his heart of gold. The boy I’d adored grown into a man. Funny, sweet and sexy as hell. But more than that. He was a friend and I cared for him deeply. Had I really hurt him?
‘Do you love him, Katie? Because if you do, you need to sort this out and quickly. He was hurt enough when you dumped him the first time all those years ago. He got involved pretty quickly with Maria then catapulted into fatherhood before he could pause to think. This time though…it’s different. He’s totally lost. You need to be absolutely certain that you don’t want him because I’m not sure what’s going to be left when, or if, he ever recovers.’
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