by Robin Banks
Alya’s response is a stream of obscenities bad enough to make Raj flinch. He grimaces in apology at the poor kid staffing the com office and leads Alya out while she’s still muttering. We walk around aimlessly until she’s worked it out of her system. She’s so fucking pissed off that nobody dares to bother us. Even the street sellers take a look at her face and back right off. When she’s gone from raging to merely livid, we stop for coffee.
She’s halfway through her cup when she puts her drink down, looks at Raj, and sighs.
“Well, I’m sorry. Looks like I’ve wasted everybody’s time.”
He strokes her hand. “You had to give it a try. It was important.”
“There’s no message. Luke hasn’t heard anything more. Chances are he just had a dream, like normal people do, and I freaked out and made a huge deal out of it. I wasted your time and your resources.”
“Time spent with you is never wasted. I wasn’t busy, and they’re our resources, not mine. You’re entitled to wasting them. Just don’t use up more than your half, ok?”
“I can’t wait to hear what your dad makes of this.”
“Don’t tell him. Tell him that I took you away so I could have you all to myself for nefarious purposes.”
She gestures in my direction. “And Luke?”
“Chaperone, to protect your honor.”
“Raj, we’re married. Bringing a chaperone seems like overkill.”
He shrugs. “Better safe than sorry, when it comes to something as valuable as my wife’s honor. And we could always ditch him. We could park him up in a hotel somewhere, go to a different one, and come out in a couple of days. Luke is a good friend. He’d do that for me.”
I manage to smile at him. “Sure thing. Just make sure you’re staying far enough so I can’t hear you.”
“Stop being awful, the two of you!” sputters Alya. “Seriously, what are we going to do now?”
“It’s up to you. Luke and I don’t have any pressing demands. We could push on until we’re in free com range with Dee, or give up and go back. I wouldn’t mind staying on for a couple of days, though, now we’re here.”
“Here? In this craphole? Have you suddenly developed a taste for dystopian chic?”
“We’ve not been off Anteia for ages. We could go out for a drink or three. I’d like a bit of time somewhere where nobody knows me.”
He says it very casually, which is normal for him. Raj never makes a fuss unless something is really messed up. I know he really wants this, though. He has a good life on Anteia, but a life with very little freedom in it. His family is famous as well as loaded, and everything he does reflects on them. They’re supportive of him, they always have been, but it doesn’t make him feel any less responsible towards them. I feel sorry for him, sometimes. My life’s been pretty messed up at times, particularly when I was a kid, but the most fun I’ve had was doing stuff I shouldn’t have. Raj has never had a chance to do any of that. The most outrageous thing he ever did was marrying Alya, and she was definitely worth it.
Alya is as aware of this as I am. She’s done her level best to make up for her background with her behavior. Sometimes I think she overdoes it. After all, if Raj had wanted to get hitched to a stuffy Anteian matron, he could have found himself one with zero effort. They’re still working their shit out, I guess. That’s probably an ongoing effort with long-term relationships. She gets him, though, probably more than she lets on. She hates being soppy.
“I’d like to be somewhere where nobody knows you, too. That way I can ditch you and go listen to music that doesn't make me want to cry.”
He snorts. “Sure. Because your music collection is all light and joy. I’ll let you ditch me if you can name three decent love songs in which the lovers don’t die a terrible death.”
“Easy! ‘The Lovers Token.’”
“That’s one. Two more and you’re free to roam this tube to your heart’s content.”
“‘Polly.’”
“That’s the same song.”
“Is not!”
While they’re bickering, which is their way of flirting, I let myself space out. A couple of days here would be a good idea for everybody, really. They’ll have a ton of fun and I could do with a breather before getting stuck on a ship again.
The truth is that I don’t want to go back to Anteia. Gods, I really don’t want that. Being here is not much, but it means I’m not there.
I must have nodded off because Alya shakes me awake.
“Kid, you’re dead on your feet. Shall we head back to the ship?”
“I can get back on my own. You guys go and have fun.”
“You’re not coming?”
“Let me see how I feel after a nap. Right now I couldn’t stay awake.”
“Alright. If you’re sure. We’ll send a com to the ship when we decide where we’re going. You can catch up with us if you feel like it.”
I stumble back to the ship in a half daze. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe something about this station is sapping the life out of me, or I’ve suddenly relaxed after having survived our trip out. All I know is that I’m really zonked out. It could be the sleep deprivation catching up with me, too. Whatever it is, the moment I get into bed I switch off.
The com wakes me up. I forgot to set it to silent before going to sleep. Just as well, though.
“Alya? Change of plans. Get over here.”
“What? Why? Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Dee just got in touch.”
“It was a simple timing issue. I should have thought about it. I had to be receiving while she was sending, and she can’t send all day long. She thought I was on Anteian time. My sleep’s been kinda scrambled, so…”
Alya purses her lips at that. I pretend not to see it.
“…so I kept missing her. Now she got me. We need to get to free com range. I’ve got coordinates. I’ve looked it up, and I don’t think it’s far – a couple of days at most. I’m sorry if this messes up your party plans.”
Raj shrugs. “I’ll have to find some other means of entertaining myself while I’m stuck in space with the most wonderful woman in the world.”
“Technically, while we’re on ship and out of atmo, she’s also the only woman in the world.”
He beams. “Precisely.”
“Boys!” barks Alya. “Would you be so kind as to put your sensible brains on? If you can find them, that is.”
Raj picks up her hand and kisses it. “Not much to be sensible about. You’re the captain of my ship and my heart. I am at your mercy.”
I mumble to Alya, “You’d already started on the drinking, hadn’t you?”
“Barely. But apparently enough for lover boy here to lose his few remaining marbles.”
Raj shakes his head. “It wasn’t the drink. It was your eyes. They’re intoxicating.”
“Alright! Kid, we better get going. The sooner we’re on way, the sooner I can put him to bed.”
Raj grins. “Beautiful and passionate. How did I get so lucky?”
It’s less than two days before we get to where Dee’s signal can reach us. When we finally get her on our screen, it’s a bit of a shock. Every time I’ve seen her, she was radiant. I find it hard to picture her in my head, to be honest: all I see is a luminous, beautiful being. Now she looks tired and stressed out, her inner light a sharp beam rather than a soft glow.
She doesn’t muck about with niceties, either.
“I’m on my way home on medical leave. It was the only way I could think to get off that damn station without anyone getting suspicious.”
Alya’s eyes widen. “Are you ok?”
“No, but I’m not ill. I’m just good at cheating tests. Alya, this could be serious, and we have no time. I will give you all the information I can, but I want to keep this short. I don’t want this conversation to get picked up.”
“Sure. Is it that bad?”
“I think so. I’ve dreamt about you. The three of you, I think. Raj, I’m sorry:
I don’t know you enough to be sure. I think it was you, though. Whoever it was, he loved Alya very much.”
Raj smiles goofily. “I don’t hold a monopoly on loving her, but I resemble that remark.”
“In the dream, there were some problems with Kolya. Not him personally, not as such. With his planet – don’t say the name! They may have tracers on that.”
Alya frowns. “Problems? What kind of problems?”
“Serious problems. History repeating itself kind of problems.”
“Gods. And Kolya was caught up in it?”
“No. Not in the version I saw, anyway. You went over there and fixed it, somehow. Nothing happened. It could have been terrible, but it wasn’t, because of what you did.”
“What the hell did we do?”
“I didn’t see that. I just saw you going over to see Kolya, going off on some kind of mission, and saving them all.”
“Dee, that’s not much to go by!”
“I know. I’m sorry. You weren’t alone. You had local help, but I couldn’t see them properly. One of them seemed familiar, but I couldn’t place him. It felt a lot like someone I know, but different, too. The other one was a total stranger. But the three of you, you were definitely there. Or you, Luke, and someone who loves you. Not Kolya: I’d have recognized him. That’s all I’ve got.”
“What if we don’t go?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t see that. But the problem was serious. And I saw you going, which makes sense. Now that I’ve told you, you’re not going to risk ignoring this, are you?”
“Of course not.” Alya sighs. “Godsdammit. I wish we had clearer parameters. You didn’t see the specifics of the mission?”
“Not a damn thing. You were looking for something or someone to stop whatever it was, so that you-know-who wouldn’t start you-know-what all over again.”
“Well, that’s clear as muck. And we did it?”
“Yes. The tragedy was averted.”
“Ok, then. I guess we’re going to have to go by that. If there’s nothing else, I guess we best let you go.”
“Actually, I need to talk to Luke.”
“You what?”
“Luke. I need to talk to him, in private. It won’t take long.”
Alya looks boggled, but she shrugs and gets off her chair.
“Ok, then. Until the next time. I’ll try and get in touch with you as soon as we’re home and dry, ok?”
“Sure. Break a leg, sweetheart.”
“I’ll bring an axe handle along just for that purpose.”
Raj waves vaguely at Dee and walks off with Alya. I stay in my seat, wondering what the fuck could possibly be going on. I’ve never actually had a proper conversation with Dee. I was around a few times while she was talking to Alya, but that’s it. The first time she told me that one day we’d meet properly, but later on I figured she may have just been humoring me. I had a massive crush on her when I was a kid. I have no idea what the hell she might want with me now. She looks so damn uncomfortable that, whatever it is, I’m pretty sure it’s going to suck.
“Luke, I don’t know how to tell you this.”
“Small words and short sentences, for preference.”
“Don’t make light, please. This is serious. You need to know this, and you need to think about it. Maybe Alya should know it too, but I know that if I tell her it will affect her decision. More than that, she’d make your decision for you. Does that sound reasonable?”
“It sounds like Alya, for sure, but it’s hard to tell without knowing what this is all about.”
She takes a deep breath and lets it all out. “In my dream, I saw the three of you set off, but I didn’t see you come back. Just Alya and her lover.”
“Oh.” I’m sure I should have something more meaningful to say, but I can’t think of a damn thing.
“You just disappeared. You were there, and then you weren’t. I didn’t see what happened to you, but whatever it was stopped you being there.”
“So you think I’m gonna die out there?”
She flinches. “It’s not impossible. I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t.”
“But everyone else gets home fine?”
“As far as I could tell, yes.”
“Alya and Raj, in your dream, they’re ok at the end? Healthy, happy?”
“I couldn’t see anything that specific, but I didn’t see any problems.”
“Alright. Thank you for letting me know.”
“What? That’s it?”
“I need to think about this, is all. It’s a lot to take in.”
She looks like she’s on the verge of tears. “I could be wrong. It could all be a lot of nonsense. I just thought you had a right to know.”
“Yes. Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
“Luke? Don’t make any rash decisions, please. And think about talking it through with Alya. She’ll kill me when she finds out I kept it from her.”
“No, she won’t. She’ll be really angry for a while and then she’ll accept that you did the right thing. Don’t worry about it, ok?”
She shakes her head. “You’re telling me not to worry? After what I just told you?”
“Yes. Worrying won’t change anything, anyway. I’m going to go now. I have some thinking to do.”
She doesn’t look convinced, but I don’t give her a chance to object. I push the com button and cut her off.
I don’t know what I expected from our chat. I didn’t expect this, though, that’s for sure. I also didn’t expect the whole mystery-mission-to-save-the-world prelude, so I started off lost.
I don’t understand how the future could be foretold. I don’t actually believe anyone can have that kind of power. I’ve not met many people with psi-bilities, and I’m not sure how much of that I believe in, anyway. It all seems a bit far-fetched, but that’s only half the problem with this.
For someone to see the future, it must be fixed. In that case, I’m going to die in weeks or months, and there’s nothing I can do about that. If the future is not fixed and what Dee saw was only a possibility, then every part of it is changeable, including us going, Alya and Raj getting home safe, and the mission being a success. I can’t get my head around this. There are too many variables.
I try a different approach. There’s a damn good chance that I’m going to die on this trip, but Alya, Raj, Kolya, and a whole damn planet will be ok.
There’s a damn good chance I’m going to die on this trip.
I’m going to die on this trip.
This is fucking brilliant.
It’s going to be over. I won’t have to live with whatever is chewing its way through my chest. I won’t have to pretend I’m ok, keep failing, and hurt those around me. I won’t be hurting Alya or Raj – they’ll be upset, no doubt, but it won’t be something I did.
Ever since the shit hit the fan, I’ve been so damn tempted to end it. I knew all along I wouldn’t have the guts to do anything painful: if I could deal with pain, I wouldn’t need a way to get away from it. I also knew I wouldn’t be brave enough to do anything that could fail and leave me alive and fucked up. I’d need a foolproof, painless way out. That’s not really a problem, not with me having access to Lara’s lab. People die all the time from connecting the wrong gas canisters to their suits and not realizing it. They don’t feel a thing, apparently. They just stop.
I knew I was bullshitting myself all along, though. I knew I couldn’t do it. I may fantasize about it, about what I would use, about how I could arrange things in order to upset people the least, about the best time of night to do it, which doors to lock, where to leave out the message, what to say, but I knew I wouldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t do something like that to Alya. She cares about me. I don’t have the right to hurt her just to cut down on my own hurt. I’ve hurt her enough already.
This is different, though. My life isn’t worth as much as the welfare of a whole planet, particularly a planet with Kolya on it. If something happens to m
e while we’re on our mission, Alya won’t be happy, but I can’t help that. I can’t make any other choice. She wouldn’t, in my place. I know her, and she’d go ahead, regardless of any risk to herself, and she’s got Raj to think about. She would do the right thing and save a world. She can’t blame me for this. Nobody can.
She could blame herself, though. She will probably make up some bullshit story where it’s all her fault because she dragged me into this to start with, because Dee is her friend, because she didn’t tell me to fuck off when I was sixteen, or some other crap. She’ll revisit our entire shared history and rewrite it to put this on herself. She does that with everything. I need to make sure that doesn’t happen.
I let my head fall against the back of my chair, and repeat it to myself: it’s going to be over soon. It’s going to be fucking over.
I’m so lost in my thoughts that a knock on the wall startles me. Alya is peering through the doorway.
“Luke? You’ve been here ages. We didn’t want to disturb you guys.”
“Sorry. We got done a while ago. I’ve just been thinking stuff through.”
“What did she want to say to you?”
What the fuck can I say to her? “She wanted to make sure that I thought about this. That I understood the risks. To be honest, I don’t understand half of it. But if I’ve got to risk myself to save a planet, that makes sense, doesn’t it? The needs of the many and all that.”
“There’s more to life than numbers, kid.”
“These are big numbers, though. How many people are on Pollux?”
“No idea. Not as many as there were before the Fed tried to wipe them out, that’s for sure.”
“I want to go. If I did anything else, I couldn’t live with myself. I’m not just following you guys. I’d go on my own. You get that, right?”
“Ok, then. If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.”
She walks over to me and pushes the hair off my face. It’s kind of a big deal. She’s not a touchy-feely kinda person, apart from the occasional bone-crunching hug or a sharp poke with a finger. She’s the tiniest adult I’ve ever met and I’m way too tall, so my ribs aren’t safe around her.