I told Lou that we should be quiet and not speak unless we came up with an idea that would improve our situation. For the next several minutes that outhouse resembled a monastery.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
As we sat there whiling the time away, I wondered what would happen if someone stumbled upon us and opened the outhouse door and saw two men sitting with their pants pulled all the way up. I wondered who would be the most surprised. Would our antagonist be surprised enough that he would drop his chainsaw? If so, would Lou and I have time to rush him before he could retrieve it? I wondered if I was losing my mind. I figured sitting in a strange outhouse on a dark and stormy night could do that to a person. Especially a person who was already well on his way to insanity.
I pushed a button on my watch, looked at the time. If we hadn’t encountered a nail-driving delinquent, Jennifer and I would have been one hour into our date. As it was, I hadn’t experienced even one kiss, and had no prospects of that happening anytime soon. I wasn’t interested in that happening, not when I considered Lou was the only person around to kiss me. I wondered how long Jennifer would wait before she called the department to report us missing. We were due at 7:00. Would 7:01 be too optimistic? She knew we were working on a murder case and that we had gone somewhere out in the country. Of course she had no idea where we went. Only George knew that, and I couldn’t picture her calling George to see why we were late. Besides, I was sure she didn’t have his number.
I felt she would wait at least until 9:00. Did that mean that the cavalry would arrive by 9:30? I could only hope.
My stomach broke the silence. It reminded me that I hadn’t eaten in a while. I thought about sending Lou out in the rain with the flashlight, hoping he could clobber a groundhog or a raccoon. But then that didn’t sound too appetizing. It sounded even worse when I realized that we didn’t have any matches. Of course, we were close to the water. Still, I doubted if Lou could catch a fish with his hands, and since he was never a Boy Scout, I didn’t expect him to be able to fashion a fishing pole out of a tree limb and nothing else. Even if he was able to catch something other than a cold, I don’t like sushi, and since we still didn’t have any matches, it looked like sushi was our best bet.
I remembered back to the days when I carried Hershey Almond bars with me everywhere I went. If I still had them, and rationed them, they might have been able to keep me rational until we were rescued. And then I remembered that I can’t remember back to the last time I thought rationally.
I stuck my hand in one pocket and then another, hoping to find a crumb of something or other. I’m not sure if I decided to split with Lou before or after I found out I was crumbless. As I sat there thinking irrationally, I wondered if Lightning had been stocked with goodies at that moment if I would have sent Lou out into the downpour to break a window and rescue some junk food.
I continued to sit there. Every now and then a raindrop made its way in through one of the cracks and hit me in the eye. That was okay. My one square inch of dry underwear was still safe. And I was free of mud, except for one sock, looking nothing like I was ready to pick up my date.
I remained as motionless as possible, hair plastered to my head, clothes plastered to my body. Evidently Lou hadn’t come up with any ideas, either. More than likely he was dreaming of Thelma Lou, hoping that one day they could be reunited. My thoughts turned to Jennifer. I looked at my watch again. It was 9:27. Surely she had alerted the department by now that we were missing. They had probably sent a car by my house to make sure I wasn’t there. It wouldn’t be much longer until Lou and I were rescued.
Wishful thinking. I must have fallen asleep because the next time I looked at my watch it was after midnight. It was still pouring rain outside. I listened, but heard no one building an ark. Not even the delinquent was pounding nails at that hour. Being a man who had entered middle age, I realized that I had to go. At least I wouldn’t have to get up and go out into the rain to use the facilities. I stood up, turned around. I turned on the flashlight to make sure I was aiming in the right direction. I wanted to be able to sit down again after I finished. I glanced over at Lou, asleep, probably dreaming of you know who. In a matter of seconds, he stirred from his dream.
“Cy, what’s that noise?”
“Go back to sleep, Lou.”
“But what’s that noise?”
“If you need to know, Lou, I had to go. Okay?”
He laughed.
“Make sure you keep that flashlight off.”
“Are you sure? I aim better if I have it on.”
“Okay. I’ll close my eyes.”
I was pleased that when I sat back down that the seat didn’t seem any wetter. Actually, my clothes seemed to have dried a little bit. But only a little bit.
Evidently, I was able to get back to sleep. No one knocked on the door asking to use the facilities. If so, they didn’t wake me. I thought about opening the door to see if anyone was lying on the ground, fainted. I decided not to. I had no idea if Lou had had to go. If so, I was able to sleep through it. It was after 2:00 when Lou shook me and woke me.
“Cy, did you hear that?”
“Lou, I didn’t go again.”
“I know, Cy, but did you hear that?”
“Don’t try to scare me, Lou. Jason’s still at Camp Crystal Lake.”
“No, Cy, it sounded like a siren.”
“You must have been dreaming. Go back to sleep. Besides. It was probably just the pouring rain.”
I could tell that Lou was staying awake, hoping to hear his siren again.
I didn’t realize how well a body can sleep in an outhouse. When I woke the next time, it was light out, and the rain appeared to have stopped. I got up and stretched, and my movement must have awakened Lou.
“What time is it, Cy?”
“8:23, and it seems like the rain has stopped. Want to check it out?”
“Sure, why not? You coming too?”
I nodded and stepped out first so he could get up and out more easily. I stood there in the high scruffy grass. There was no sun shining brightly on my old Kentucky home, but at least the rain had stopped. I wanted to walk back out to the road, but I noticed that someone had removed the boards that allowed us to walk without sinking down into the mud. It didn’t matter. I didn’t look much like going on a date, anyway.
And then it hit me. Didn’t Jennifer even report us missing? And if she did, didn’t the department take her seriously? Gingerly, I shuffled toward the road, taking care to see that I didn’t step out of either shoe or fall down in the mud. A couple of minutes later, I reached the road, turned, and I felt the pain my face must have been showing.
“What’s the matter, Cy? Just now realize where we are?”
“What do you see, Lou?”
“Nothing, Cy. Just like last night.”
“Not exactly like last night, Lou. There’s no Lightning.”
I waited for him to say there was no rain, either, but his brain seemed to work better in the morning.
“Do you think it was the boy or his old man?”
“Surely that boy couldn’t have stolen your car. I didn’t hear any broken glass. Did you?”
I hadn’t heard anything either, but somehow someone had taken my car.
I rushed up to where I thought we left Lightning, wondering if whoever took it left a ransom note. My not working properly brain began to hope that Lightning would reappear as soon as we arrived, like she hid out among the trees during the rainstorm, and continued to hide from car thieves. Maybe if I whistled she would come.
Lou found a clue before I did.
“Look, Cy! Someone left you a note.”
It couldn’t have been the sun, but something had affected his brain. He saw my unbelieving look.
“No, really! See!”
I hurried to catch up with Lou, looked down at the crumbling asphalt. There, taped to the pavement, lay an envelope, with the name “Cy” written on the front.
“Hey, Cy. Ho
w do the kidnappers know your name? Do you think it’s a ransom note?”
Sometimes Lou’s brain works better in the morning, but it doesn’t last long. That time had already expired. I quickly dismissed the fact that Lou and I had had some of the same irrational thoughts.
I leaned over, thankful that I did not fall flat on my face. I found a loose corner of the envelope, and tugged. At least the envelope pealed off the asphalt easily. I ripped open the envelope, pulled out the note inside.
Cy,
Dan and I stopped by the station after our date last night and found out that Jennifer had called and you and Lou were missing. We went home and called again around midnight, just before Dan was to leave, to see if you had reported in. When we found out that they still had no word from you, I called some of your friends to help form a search party. One of those friends was George, who told us where you had gone.
Dan and I arrived here around 2:00 and saw your car. Since it was locked and the keys were inside, we figured it had broken down, and you had hitched a ride to town with someone, and had left the car for the towing company. I turned on the siren for a few seconds, just in case you were stranded and were somewhere in the trees and out of the rain. When the siren didn’t cause you to come running, I called, found out that you hadn’t called a tow truck yet, and had one come out to tow your car. Just in case you are still out here somewhere, Dan and I will come back at 8:00 to pick you up. Wherever you are, I hope you are safe and dry.
Love,
Heather
I put the note in my pocket.
“What was it, Cy?”
“It was from Publisher’s Clearinghouse. It says I may already be a winner, but I have to claim the prize by noon today. Could you call me a cab?”
“You’re a cab, Cy. Now, what does it say?”
I wasn’t about to tell Lou that he had indeed heard a siren in the middle of the night, nor that we missed two rides back to town.
“It said my car has been towed to town.”
“Any ideas how we are going to get back to town to meet up with Lightning?”
“Let’s pretend like we’re Wiiing. Put one foot in front of the other and walk until we see someone.”
I was starved and wasn’t sure if I had enough strength to make it very far. The look on Lou’s face told me that he didn’t think that was the best idea I’d ever come up with. I knew it wasn’t the worst idea I’d come up with in the last twenty-four hours. I thought about believing Lou the next time he says he hears something, and then realized that that could be scary, too. I tried to think positive. The only positive thoughts I could muster were that the rain had stopped, and neither my next-door neighbor nor Vernon Pitts was within sight. I wasn’t about to share that with Lou, or complain about our ordeal. Just as soon as I did, Lou would comment that it couldn’t get any worse, and then it would. I wasn’t curious enough to think about it. Hail, brimstone? Instead, I was going to focus on my yellow brick road ahead of me. I wondered how far it was to Oz, and if the Wizard would be there when or if I arrived.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
A little after 10:00, we had made it past the house that was still one termite short of falling, and the burned trailer, and, one slow step for mankind at a time, we were closing in on the house that still didn’t look all that habitable, but a little more so than our accommodations of the previous night. It was then that I felt that the strenuous exercise and lack of food had gotten the best of me. A mirage appeared on the horizon, or somewhere on the road in front of us. To show you how badly my brain was muddled at that point, the mirage resembled Lou’s Chevy, and it came with sound effects that had nothing to do with banjos. Someone was honking the horn. A minute or so later, the mirage began to look even better. There were two people inside who looked like Jennifer and Thelma Lou. Just before running over us, Thelma Lou stopped blowing the horn, hit the brake, and jumped out. Jennifer jumped out, too. At the same time, Lou and I screamed for them not to shut the doors. I’m sure if the movie version will have Jennifer and me running in slow motion as a musical score plays, but the slow motion on my part had to do with my travails of the last sixteen hours. Jennifer, on the other hand, covered most of the twenty feet separating us, and we lunged for each other and embraced without either one of us knocking the other one over, which on my part was a remarkable achievement.
“I was so worried about you,” she exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around me. Then, she dispensed with the conversation and she pressed her lips to mine. She seemed not to notice my disheveled appearance and didn’t turn her nose up at how bad I smelled. I, on the other hand, did notice that she looked like she had had very little sleep. She must have stayed up worrying about me. I was missed.
The two of us, hugged, kissed, and jumped up and down like two children who hadn’t seen each other in years. Okay, she did most of the jumping, although with her help and her arms wrapped around me, I was able to elevate onto my tiptoes at least a couple of times. She asked me what happened. We were far enough from Lou that I shared the whole story of our less than enchanted evening. I didn’t count how many times she said, “You poor thing.” I figured she must love me. No one who wasn’t in love would hug someone who smelled as bad as I did that many times. After several minutes of seeing stars, hearts, and Cupid, it hit us that we could leave. Besides, I was tired and needed a shower. So did Lou. I glanced over at him. From what I could tell Thelma Lou was as glad to see him as Jennifer was to see me. Sometimes love is blind. Sometimes it loses its sense of smell, too.
+++
The girls decided that Lou was in no shape to drive, even though he hadn’t been drinking, so Thelma Lou drove, and Jennifer called the department to let everyone know that Lou and I had been found, and where they found us. Luckily, she spared them all the details. Neither Lou nor I wanted to take the girls on a tour of all of our haunts from the previous day and night, so Thelma Lou whipped through the tall grass on the scruffy side of the road and turned the car around and headed for Hilldale.
We were halfway back to town when we spotted our first vehicle, setting at the side of the road with its lights flashing. Actually, there wasn’t enough room for a vehicle on the side of the road. The cruiser was actually in the lane we were in. Thelma Lou had just enough room to pull up beside the vehicle and the couple in the other car motioned for Lou to roll down the passenger side window. Heather was driving. Dan was riding shotgun. They informed us that they were our safe passage back to town. Evidently, we needed more safe passage because a few seconds later George came barreling over the hill. He stopped in time to avoid a head-on collision, waited for Heather to pull ahead so we could follow, then made a U-turn and pulled up behind us.
Lou said we were starved, hadn’t eaten since lunch the day before, and that we needed to stop at McDonald’s on the way back to town. Jennifer got out to relay the message to Heather. Heather said that was fine, but that they were giving us an escort back to the police station. I cringed in the back seat. There would be questions. I didn’t want questions. With questions come answers. With answers, embarrassment.
We arrived at McDonald’s. As Heather pulled into the drive-thru ahead of us, she dispensed of the flashing lights, and pulled up to order. She ordered something for Dan and herself, then pulled up and waited for us, and for George, bringing up the rear.
As soon as we pulled back out onto the street, Heather set the lights to flashing again, and I turned around to see George do the same. I wondered how many Hilldale residents would wonder who the head of state in the 1957 Chevy was.
Heather drove slowly enough that I was able to finish my early lunch just before we pulled up in front of headquarters. At least that’s what they called it when I came on the force, and I still call it that today. Evidently, someone in one of the other cars alerted those inside, because people started pouring out of the building, cheering, and throwing confetti. Okay, maybe there was no confetti, but that was probably because confetti is so hard to get on su
ch short notice.
Reluctantly, I got out of the car. George commented on how nice we looked. I halfway expected him to pull out a can of air freshener or deodorant and start spraying. More than likely the fact that we were outdoors saved us. I tried to stand where no one was downwind. Actually, I would have preferred that no one was upwind, either.
Some of our friends shared about how worried they were for us when they heard that Lightning had been found riddled with nails, and the two of us were AWOL.
Heather hugged Lou and me. I think she hugged me a little longer. I wondered if Jennifer was getting jealous. I must admit I enjoyed the hug, but not the questions that followed.
“Where were you guys?” Heather asked.
It was at that point that Jennifer almost became an ex-girlfriend, as she turned into the spokesperson for the lost duo.
“They were holed up overnight in an outhouse.”
I tried to slink down and crawl away, but we were packed so tightly that slinking was impossible. Immediately, I knew that it would be months before anyone would approach us without sniffing. I quickly pointed out that it was an outhouse that hadn’t been used in years. That didn’t seem to help. If Jennifer’s declaration wasn’t bad enough, the other pin-up on my wall followed that up with something equally incriminating.
“Where was this outhouse?”
6 Murder at the Art & Craft Fair Page 16