by S. M. Shade
Through this whole thing, he’s started reaching out to me more and more. Started treating me more like a partner than a friend. Maybe it is just because he’s sick and needs someone. If that’s the case, he’s got me. I’ll be here no matter what, but a small ember of hope sparks to life inside of me that maybe he feels more. Feels what I do.
Ian’s weak voice wakes me early. “Alex,” he rasps.
“Right here, man. You going to be sick?”
“Trying not to be. Will you light that joint? If I move, I’m going to puke.”
He lies still as a stone while I light then hold the joint to his lips. This time he has no problem holding the smoke. “Are you still hurting?”
“Like a motherfucker, but I can’t drink anything yet.”
“Okay.” I turn on the T.V. to distract him, and a few minutes later, he sighs.
“Getting better.” His movements are slow and careful when he sits up and grabs the anti-nausea pills.
“You look like hell warmed over.”
“Feel like it.” His face scrunches. “I stink.”
“No worse than usual. Give the pills time to work and I’ll help you get cleaned up.”
“You aren’t washing my cock, so stop thinking about it.” His smirk and smartass remark make me smile. He must be feeling a little better.
“I’ll just supervise. Don’t let my presence throw you off. It’s yours and you can wash it as fast as you want to.”
This time he laughs out loud.
Ian
For three days, my world consists of trying not to puke, smoking weed, and television. And Alex. He’s always right there with a cool cloth, a joint, or a drink of water. The fourth morning I finally wake without that churning feeling in my stomach. My throat is raw and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, but it looks like the worst is over. I will never do that shit again.
My thoughts go to that little boy I met at the clinic who has probably gone through months of this. I don’t know how they handle it. That first night, if someone had offered to smother me with my pillow, I’d have gladly accepted. Right now, I actually feel hungry. Alex must be in his room, and I don’t want to bother him. He has babysat me for days. Besides, all I want is some toast and I’m sure I can handle that.
“Hey,” Alex greets. “What are you doing?” He’s sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal. My stomach growls at the sight of it. Have I ever been this hungry?
“Making some toast.”
His adam’s apple bobs as he gulps down the remaining milk in the cereal bowl. “I’ll make it. Go rest.”
He gives me a look as I open my mouth to argue. My knees shake worse the longer I’m standing and it strikes me how weak I am. “Thanks,” I murmur, and head to the bathroom. By the time I piss, brush my teeth, and change into a clean shirt, I’m dead on my feet. This is fucking ridiculous. I’ve been up fifteen minutes.
A bowl of oatmeal, two slices of toast and a banana are waiting for me on the coffee table when I return. “Do you want to smoke first?” Alex asks.
“No, I don’t feel sick. I think it’s over.”
“Let’s hope so.” He sits beside me and turns the T.V. to some morning talk show. I hardly pay attention. All my focus is on eating without wolfing it down like I want to. Alex keeps glancing at me like I might explode into flames.
“I’m good, don’t worry. I think I’ll play my game for a while. You don’t have to stay with me.”
He nods. “If you still feel okay by this afternoon, I might go out for a bit. Run a few errands.”
I only manage to play my video game for an hour or so before my eyes grow heavy again. “I’m going to take a nap,” I tell Alex, heading to my bed. The couch is really getting old.
Alex places my cell on my nightstand. “I’m going to go. Call me if you start getting sick.”
“Okay.” The smell of my clean sheets and feel of the soft comforter make me want to burrow in and never come out.
“I mean it,” Alex warns.
“I will, but I swear, I feel better. Just really tired.” The door barely closes behind him before I’m pulled into sleep.
The ring of my cell wakes me a few hours later. It’s my friend Cam, but I don’t feel like talking to him. Instead I send a text.
-Down with the flu. Call you in a few days.-
-Flu or Syphilis?-
-Fuck off loser-
-Wrap it next time. Ttyl-
Since I feel a little stronger, I make my way to the shower. Muscles I wasn’t even aware existed scream in protest, but the hot water helps a bit. By the time I dry off and dress, I’m ready to fall into bed again, but the growl of my stomach points me toward the kitchen. Alex is bent over the oven, removing a pan.
“Holy shit. You cooked?” I taunt. “Should I grab a fire extinguisher?”
“I heated,” he corrects. “I stopped by Striking Back and of course Ms. Den had made too much pot roast.” A smile stretches across his face. It lights up his eyes in a way I’ve never noticed before and for some reason it reminds me of the night he kissed me. It was just a quick joking kiss, but I haven’t been able to forget about it, much less the hand job he gave me later. I’ve tried not to think about it, about why I let him touch me, and most of all, why I enjoyed it.
Shit, so much has happened in such a short time. It’s been a rough month to say the least and I’m sure I’m just confused. I’ll get past it. “Smells great. I’m starving.” I grab two plates out of the cabinet and Alex pours us each a glass of milk. It takes me about five minutes to clean my plate and Alex laughs.
“You act like I was going to take it away from you.”
“Never know. You’re a sneaky bastard.” He puts our dishes in the dishwasher and we return to the living room where a box sits on the couch.
“Battleship?” I ask, picking up the game and raising my eyebrow at him.
“I borrowed it from S.B. Thought we could play if you’re bored. I’ve had about all the television I can take.”
“You picked the wrong game. I was the champion of Battleship as a kid.”
With a grin, he turns to face me so I can’t see where he places his ships. I don’t think I’ve played this game since I was twelve, but I still remember my strategy, and a smile creeps onto my face as I place my ships.
We take turns calling out coordinates and I can’t seem to hit his ships for shit. His wide smile when he sinks my last ship kind of makes me want to choke him, but it’s the glint in his eye that tells me he’s up to something. “How the hell did you sink all mine and I only got one of yours?”
“I’m just that good.” Before he can react, I grab the board and turn it around. All his ships but one are on the grid, but they are stacked one on the other, making them impossible to hit.
“You cheating son of a bitch!” He bursts into laughter, and I shove him, grabbing for the board. It’s kind of a pathetic attempt since I don’t have my strength back, and he easily evades me, tossing the game on the coffee table before I can get a hand on it.
Laughing, I shove him again and pin his shoulders to the back of the couch. The mood in the room shifts, the air becoming warmer and thicker as our gazes lock. His lips part, and I can read the dare in those golden eyes. Without thinking about it, or taking the time to second guess why I’m doing it, I take his lips with mine.
This is no quick joking kiss like New Year’s Eve. It’s not sweet and soft, but a battle of tongues, lips, and teeth. He responds with just as much passion, but doesn’t try to take things any farther. It seems like hours pass before we break apart, panting and sweaty. I sit up and he follows me, putting an arm around my waist before I move away from him.
Shit. What do I do now? What the hell am I supposed to say? I kissed him. “I-I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that,” I murmur.
His arm tightens around me and he looks me in the eye. “Yes, you do, and I’ll be here when you’re ready to come to terms with it.”
“I’m no
t gay.”
“Would it be so terrible if you were?”
“No…there’s nothing wrong with being gay.” I scrub my face with my hands. “I just…it’s not who I am.”
“You think being attracted to men changes who you are?”
“I’m not attracted to men!” I shout, my frustration building. “Just you.” Damn it. I didn’t mean to say that.
A small grin flashes across his face before he reins it in. “Good, let’s keep it that way.”
Strangely, I feel like laughing and crying at the same time. He sees the turmoil in my expression and wraps his arms around my back, pulling me into a hug. “It’s okay. You’ve been through too much lately, Ian. There is nothing wrong with how you feel or what you want, but added to your illness, it’s too overwhelming. Your timing sucks.”
I laugh, and he continues. “Don’t worry so much. Rest and get your strength back, maybe visit with the nerd herd.”
“I’m going to tell them you call them that.”
“Don’t. I’ve never been slapped with a pocket protector.”
“Hey, Teddy has a light saber.”
“Of course he does.”
I take Alex’s advice and invite Cam and Teddy over the next night. The hours we spend eating pizza and playing video games makes me feel almost normal again. Still, I can’t get Alex out of my head. Or more specifically, why I suddenly see him so differently. I’ve never noticed him before, or any man, but I can’t deny the urge to touch him when he’s near me. Not just sexually, but the way you would a girlfriend or a lover.
A hundred times we’ve sat side by side on the couch to watch T.V. and I never had the urge to put my arm around him or rest my hand on his leg. So why now? Because he helped me through such a horrible time? Is it gratitude making me feel this way? I can’t sort it out by myself. Thank fuck Everly’s back. I need someone’s advice, and I know I can trust her to keep her mouth shut.
She meets me for lunch at my house while Alex is at the gym. “Knock knock!” she calls, walking through my front door.
“I’m in the kitchen!”
“Oh, hell, you aren’t cooking are you?” She pokes her head around the corner and waves a bag of Chinese food.
“You’re a lifesaver.”
“I know lunch with you is either going to be pizza delivery or something burnt.”
“Very funny, pup.” I wrap her in a hug.
Her hair falls in her eye when she steps back and she tucks it behind her ear. “I missed you. You look like shit. Have you been sick?”
“Stomach bug. It’s better now.”
Her scrutinizing look says I’m walking a thin line. “Something’s bothering you.”
Sighing, I sit at the table, leaving the bag of food untouched on the counter. My stomach is churning with nervous tension. Ev is my oldest and closest friend and I don’t know how she’ll react to what I have to say.
Her hands clasp mine as she takes a seat across from me. “What is it?”
“Have you ever been attracted to a woman?”
“If this is your way of trying to get me into a three way with you and some skank…”
“No,” I laugh. “Just tell me the truth. Have you ever messed with a girl?”
“No, I’ve never been attracted to girls. What’s this about, Ian? You look like someone has you by the nuts, so just spit it out.”
In a way someone does. Fucking Alex. “I think I have feelings for a man.”
The words hang in the air like smoke while Everly sits back, trying not to look as shocked as I know she is. I’m Ian the man whore. It’s always been about beautiful women, the more the better. No way she saw this coming. I sure as hell didn’t.
Her words are slow and careful. “Okay, have you told him?”
“I think kissing him probably gave it away.”
Her mouth falls open and she sits back. “Wow, okay, I’m sorry. I’m just surprised.”
“Not as much as I am.”
Her hand squeezes mine. “I’ll bet. So, are you concerned that you’re gay, or bi?”
“I’m not gay. And bisexual? I don’t know. I don’t look at men or see them…that way. Just him.”
Soft brown eyes delve into mine. “Who are we talking about?”
She’s really going to shit now. “Alex,” I reply in a near whisper.
A smile flows across her face. “You and Alex?”
“We haven’t…I don’t…fuck.” My forehead falls to my hand.
“Hey.” Ev touches my cheek and waits for me to look at her. “It’s okay. Did you really think I wouldn’t approve or that I’d judge you?”
“No, I just don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just because I’ve spent so much time with him. Maybe I’m just confused because we’ve become close.”
Ev shakes her head. “I don’t think it works that way. Either there’s something there or there isn’t. You can’t control or force it. Remember when we tried? It was laughable. You feel differently toward a close friend than you do someone you’re romantically interested in. You kissed him. Was there something there?”
“Yes,” I confess with a sigh. “But if it’s just attraction, I can ignore it and maybe it’ll pass.”
“Maybe, if it were just attraction,” Ev says, chewing her lip like she does when she’s thinking. “Do you think about him when he’s gone? Look forward to him coming home at night? Or do you feel like it’s a sexual thing?”
“It’s not sexual, that’s not what’s…driving me toward him. I can’t imagine fucking him and I’m damn sure not taking one in the ass.” Everly laughs, and I give her a small smile. “But yes, I’m happy when he gets home. I want to spend time with him.”
“Does he want the same thing?”
“He’s been flirting with me since we met,” I reply, getting up to grab a couple of plates for our quickly cooling food. “He thinks I want him. Said he’ll wait until I come to terms with how I feel. I don’t want to give him false hope when I don’t know how I feel. I don’t want to hurt him.”
Ev smiles up at me. “You’ve done a pretty good job telling me how you feel, Ian. I have to agree with Alex. You know. You’re struggling to accept that you’re falling for the same sex.”
“I didn’t say I was falling for him.”
“You didn’t have to. Your eyes light up when you talk about him and you smile without realizing it. I’ve never seen you that way over a woman.” Ev comes up behind me and wraps her arms around my stomach, her chin resting on my shoulder. “You want my advice, Ian? Go with your heart. Don’t worry about labeling yourself gay, bi, straight, or whatever. Let yourself love who you love. Let it happen.”
She steps back when I turn around and hug her. “I love you, pup.”
“I love you, too, but I’m willing to share you with another Reed brother. Oh! If you marry him, we’ll be in-laws!” Her excitement makes me laugh.
“Way ahead of yourself there, woman. Keep this between us for now, okay?”
“Of course.” An impish grin tilts her lips. “Will you tell me if you fuck him?”
“Everly!”
“I told you when Mason and I…”
“Forget it, Ev.”
“Fine, let’s eat before I starve to death. And you need to gain some weight. I could feel your ribs through your shirt.”
“Yes, dear.”
I swear Ev needs to work on her acting skills. When Alex comes home, he takes one look at the expression on her face and glances at me, eyebrows reaching for the ceiling. “Everything okay?”
“Everything’s great,” Ev exclaims, hugging him and grinning ear to ear. “I have to get going. See you later, guys.” Subtle Ev. Real fucking subtle.
Alex turns to me as soon as she’s gone. “You told her you kissed me.”
With a shrug, I flop onto the couch. “I needed to talk to someone.”
“I get it, but you can talk to me,” he says, sitting beside me. “Do you regret it? Are you trying to find a way to let m
e down easy without hurting my feelings?”
I slide my hand up his nape, into his blond curls. “No, just trying to figure out how to do this. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have feelings for you, but…sexually…I don’t know if I can.”
His face softens and he lays a hand on my cheek. “You never have to do anything you don’t want to do. Just do what feels right to you and get out of your head. Stop worrying.”
“I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone. I don’t want to screw up and hurt you. After all you went through with Cooper…”
Deep laughter rumbles his chest. “Cooper would be cheering me on. We used to bet on whether we could ever talk you into a three way.”
“Never would’ve happened,” I laugh. “That’s another thing, though. I like women, fuck I love women. I can’t promise I’ll never want one again.”
“I’m not going to act like a jealous housewife if you bring a chick home, man. Might want to watch though,” he says with a smirk.
He folds me into his arms, and I lean back against his chest. His breath warms my neck, sending a chill across my skin. “Have you ever been with a woman?”
“A couple of times. It’s not like I find it disgusting. It just doesn’t turn me on.”
“Do I?”
“Oh, dark eyes, you don’t want to know the things I’ve pictured us doing. But for now, I’ll settle for making out on the couch like horny teenagers.”
His teeth scrape over my earlobe, putting an end to any more conversation.
Chapter Five
Alex
Ian Turner kissed me. If that isn’t shocking enough, he confessed to having feelings for me. It’s taking every ounce of self-control I possess not to bend him over right now and show him how good it can be. I have to keep in mind this is all new territory for him. I’ve known I like men since I was a kid and I can’t imagine how difficult it is for him to accept it so late in life. I’m afraid if I don’t let things progress at his pace, he’ll panic and run back to the women he’s used to.