by Rock, J. K.
“I love you too.”
He crushed me against his chest, his hands twining in my frizzing waves. I did love him, I marveled. His warmth. His sense of humor. His strength of purpose and conviction. But was I in love with him? That was the bigger question. One I had no clue how to answer.
“God, you’re beautiful. You should wear your hair like this again.” Matt held up a crimped lock and grinned, all tension gone, his eyes aglow. “Like a wild girl.”
“Hardly.” My hands smoothed down my tangled locks. “And thanks for not pushing the sex thing. I’m sorry I’m not ready.”
Matt gently straightened my glasses. I’d forgotten that I’d woken too late to put in contacts. “Don’t apologize for that.” His broad hands spanned my waist. “I want to wait until you are.”
I pressed my lips to his, then ducked my head. So sweet. And he’d never seen me with frizzy hair and glasses. Only Seth had ever complimented my real looks. Seth, and now Matt.
The rain tapped a few more times overhead, then stopped. Matt laced his long fingers in mine. “Thanks for stopping to talk to me. I was feeling pretty bad.”
“I’m always here for you, Matt,” I said, and meant, it. Whatever I figured out, I’d be by his side as a girlfriend or a friend. He was such a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. So why didn’t I feel like that deserved to be me?
Seth.
Until I figured out my feelings for my ex, I’d never be free to give my whole heart to Matt. No matter how much he deserved it. But that was the thing. Seth deserved love too. How the hell would I choose?
Matt held his hand out the dugout entrance. “What is it about us and rain?”
I wrapped my arms around his trim waist, loving the feel of his back muscles against my cheek. “It’s almost time for electronics hour. We still get it on Parents’ Weekend.”
Matt whirled around, held my face and swooped in for a quick kiss. “I challenged Eli to Mario Kart. Are you ready?”
I looked around the dugout, then back at his beaming face. I’d made him so happy. What power I had over this beautiful, strong boy. How strange that I’d dated Matt for months without ever really knowing him. Maybe it was time to start.
* * *
“Lauren, phone!” Emily called, handing me my cell when I returned. I blinked in surprise. Since my mother and sister had just left, who’d call?
“It’s your father,” Emily added, then passed out the rest of the electronics. It was all I needed to hear. Finally. A chance to tell him about the Geology position at Indiana and something else… what was it? I bounced off the cot and flew across the cabin, my anger at him disappearing now that he’d remembered me.
“Hey Dad,” I sang, shutting the screen door behind me and flopping into a slatted rocker that had been protected from the rain. “I’ve got news.” I watched as a few campers kicked at mud puddles and shook water-logged tree branches at each other, enjoying the outdoors more than the plugged-in time.
“That’s great, honey.” His voice sounded farther away than the thousand miles between us.
I stopped rocking and leaned forward. “Aren’t you going to ask me what it is?”
“Huh?” I heard a lighter flick and three short puffs.
“Are you smoking again?”
He’d quit five years ago after he’d helped me with my science fair project on the effects of nicotine on the body. My plan worked, because he’d thrown out his pipes the next day.
“Work is crazy right now. That’s why I couldn’t make it to Parents’ Weekend. Sorry about that.” He exhaled.
“I’m more upset that you’re smoking. Dad, you’ve got to quit. And that goes for your job, too. It’s making you miserable.” A yellow chickadee landed on our porch and pecked at leftover Cheetos bloated from the rain.
He inhaled and was silent a moment. I imagined him blowing the giant smoke rings I’d once poked with toddler fingers.
“It’s not that easy when you’re a grown-up, Lauren,” he said, voice low and defeated.
The chickadee took flight when I stood to pace the slick, wooden floor.
“Maybe it can be. Seth’s dad told me about a Geology Chair position that just opened at Indiana University. You’d be perfect for it.” My heart pounded, imagining us moving there, being close to Seth every day. My dreams of a year-round relationship with him, and getting my old dad back, began to take shape. My confusion about Matt magically disappeared.
Dad’s pipe pinged against something—an ashtray, most likely. “Lauren, your mother’s happy here. She’s back with her family and she loves her new job. I can’t drag her away from all that again.”
The way they’d dragged me from my old life in Ithaca? I ground my sandal into the Cheetos until I reduced them to a squishy pile of orange.
“How are things going with Matt?”
I flinched at the abrupt change of subject.
“Um. Fine. He seems to be having a good time.” My mind flashed to our dugout hook up and I flushed. Thank God Dad didn’t know about that. “He’s playing lots of volleyball and has his team in position for division championship.”
“Sounds about right,” Dad mused. “But his father’s complaining about him staying at camp. He just sent me a text asking me to see if you’d convince him to go back early for football practice. Guess he thinks you’re to blame.”
A bitter laugh escaped me as I pictured his stepmother-to-be’s new diamond ring. “He’s on the wrong track there, Dad. Matt stayed for himself.”
“What about Seth?” It wasn’t like my dad to get involved in my dating life, but he’d known Seth for a long time.
I tipped my head back and stared at our porch roof. In a corner, a spider wrapped strands around a fly. One of the fly’s legs stuck out from its silken trap and wiggled. I knew exactly how it felt.
“He’s okay. I think he might be seeing someone else.” Each word felt like broken glass in the back of my throat.
“Sorry about that, honey.”
“It’s fine,” I said, my voice thick. The sun broke through a cloud and lit up the spider web, water droplets hanging from it like diamonds.
“Lauren, why stay with Matt if you still care for Seth? I haven’t been around much, but I’ve seen enough to know that Matt’s not your type.”
I closed my eyes, wondering how he had any idea what my type was. He didn’t even know me anymore. And I understood my true feelings even less. “Like you said, Dad, life’s complicated.”
“But I don’t want you growing up that way. Giving up.” His words rushed out like I’d knocked the wind out of him.
He had a point, but I was too mad to admit it. What a classic case of “Do what I say, not what I do.” I used to think my father was better than that. “You’ve compromised on everything. Why shouldn’t I?”
“Lauren, did you open the envelope I sent you?” Suddenly his voice sounded urgent. Did he really think I would be placated by some lame note full of excuses? None of it was a substitute for having my old father back.
“No.” In the background a door opened, and voices murmured.
I tapped my foot, waiting until Dad came back on the line.
“Lauren, I’ve got to go. An emergency’s come up at one of the refineries. Just open the envelope, okay?”
I swiped my eyes. Like I even knew where it was. I remembered having it when I’d returned to the cabin yesterday, but hadn’t seen it since.
“Whatever, bye.” I held my breath, tamping down the emptiness that rose when he chose his job over me—especially on a Sunday when he shouldn’t have been working anyway.
“Goodbye, Lauren. We’ll talk soon.” The phone went dead.
Now there was an empty promise if I’d ever heard one—and I’d heard a lot from him this year. Should I be grateful that he was sacrificing to make Mom happy and bring home a bigger paycheck? It cost us more than it paid. Maybe there was something to be said about doing what he said and not what he did.
Chap
ter Eleven
There is a lot of great stuff about camp. Some things are fun but embarrassing, like the talent show at the end of the summer. Some things are fun but end in tears half the time, like the dances.
And then some camp activities are just one hundred percent awesome. The overnight trip for the older kids was always one of them. After riding an emotional roller coaster for the last few days, I was ready for a good time. My cabin mates and I had packed Monday at dawn while Mr. Woodrow stomped back and forth between the girls’ cabins and the boys’ cabins, complaining about anyone who tried to bring a bag that was two pounds over his predetermined weight limit. I’d had to repack once, leaving my flashlight at the cabin since it was heavy and the only thing I could think of to ditch. One hour into our canoe trip, poor Trinity was still recovering from abandoning her Ouija board. As if Tarot cards and rune stones weren’t enough fun for one night. I had to hand it to her, though; she liked that stuff because it brought our cabin together. We forgot about some of the weirdness between us while we pretended to read fortunes.
“Come on, home girls!” Emily shouted, splashing me with a sweep of her oar. “Dig deep! Do you want the boys to get there ahead of us? We’ll never live down the humiliation if we don’t catch up.”
Our cabin was split between two canoes, and I’d ended up in Emily’s. Jackie led the rest of our cabin in the other, and they were already closing in on the boys. Then again, Jackie played competitive volleyball and lifted weights during the off-season, so she had serious upper body strength.
“I went on this trip last year,” I reminded Emily as I kept a steady pace. “And was part of the last group to reach the island. But no one humiliated us. In fact, they clapped for us when we arrived.” All except Hannah’s group, I added silently. They’d been too busy claiming the best lean-tos to notice our arrival.
“Probably because they assumed you were goners!” Emily dipped her oar so far down in the water she nearly went over the side. “Don’t worry. I won’t let you be subjected to that again. The guys from Warriors’ Warden are going to hear the mighty roar of Woman Power.”
Sure enough, Matt and his friends cruised along at a lazy pace just ahead. No doubt they thought they had the race to the island locked down. Their counselor, Rob the Hottie, was messing around in his canoe and standing on one foot. From the looks he shot Emily, I wondered if he was doing it to impress her.
Leaning into the oars, I felt Piper and Emily do the same. Beside us, Jackie, Trinity, Alex and Siobhan all seemed as thirsty for a win. Luckily, the guys were too busy shouting some kind of he-man chant for Rob, so they never heard us coming.
“The island is right there,” I said softly to Emily as the nose of our canoe reached the back of Matt’s.
I expected her to be happy as we shot past the boys. I hadn’t anticipated the blood-curdling war cry she belted out, lifting her oar in the air like she was hoisting a trophy. I braved a glance back to see the guys’ expressions since there was no way they could catch us now. We had too much momentum.
“Take that, suckers!” Jackie called from the canoe beside us just as the wake of our boat hit Matt’s and toppled Rob.
And tipped the whole canoe.
Matt, Eli and Rob all went into the water. Backpacks and oars bobbed to the surface around the blue canoe.
“Matt.” His name was on my lips as we rammed into the sandy shore of the private island owned by the camp.
“He’ll be fine,” Emily shot back, jumping out into the shallow current to drag the canoe ashore. “Don’t get sucked in, Lauren. Men are far more independent when there are no women around to do their work for them.”
“That’s sure as hell the truth,” Bam-Bam spoke behind us. Emily turned and flashed him a blinding smile. “Our unit commander was a woman. She was a damn good soldier and the best leader I ever had.” Bam-Bam grinned, rubbing his jaw stubble while Emily shot him a warm smile.
Vijay and Garrett splashed to shore and heaved the front of their canoe out of the water. Seth, I noticed through narrowed eyes, helped Breyanna out of her canoe. When she complained that her pink glitter sandals—the ones that matched today’s headband—might shrink in the water, he carried her to the beach. My breath rushed through clenched teeth at her girlish squeals and the way he held her when he set her down.
It was selfish to expect Seth to mope around camp, pining for me. But I’d be fooling myself if I pretended to be over him.
A couple more Warriors leapt into the water behind Rob’s crew, rounding up the backpacks of the tipped canoe. Far behind them, Hannah’s canoe rounded a bend.
“We’ll get the best lean-to,” I said, hardly daring to believe it. I’d gotten the worst one—the smallest, the leakiest, the one with the most angry chipmunks—last year.
“Only if we get a move on!” Emily led the charge as we all scrambled up the shore and onto the island, lugging our backpacks.
“I want this one!” Alex squealed, pointing to a shelter with a white bark roof and a funky woven grass mat hanging over an opening like a window curtain.
The lean-to was built around a tree and it looked like you could climb up through the middle of it to access wooden rungs nailed in the trunk. Following the steps upward with my eye, I spied a little lookout platform about fifteen feet up.
“Cool.” I didn’t put my bag down though, not sure if Alex would want me to room with her. My friends and I had only recently patched things up.
“You want to share?” Alex lifted an eyebrow. “That is, unless I can convince Vijay to pay a visit.” She winked and snapped her gum with enthusiasm as she dropped her backpack on the ground outside the lean-to.
“Umm…” I hesitated, not sure if she was serious about the Vijay thing. But looking around, the other good shelters were all being claimed. “That’d be great.” I concentrated on the positive aspects of fixing a friendship, rather than the potential downside of getting bounced at midnight for the sake of a booty call.
“Excellent!” Alex tossed her sleeping bag inside the little hut, and then pulled out a glittery pink letter “A” that she always brought to camp to hang on her bunk. Now, she tied the pink ribbon straps to one of the wooden rungs up the tree, identifying the place as hers. “Vijay will know where to find me in the dark. Too bad he couldn’t share a shelter with Matt…or Seth. You could just switch places with Vijay after lights out and end up with whichever guy’s on the menu tonight.”
Her tone sounded teasing, so I ignored the jibe about Seth.
“You’re serious about Vijay?” I lowered my voice while an argument broke out between Piper and one of the Divas, who’d apparently just arrived on the island. I could tell they both wanted the same lean-to, but I couldn’t get involved in that while Alex was talking about giving it up to Vijay after dating him for all of a week.
“Duh?” She tugged on her midriff-baring T-shirt that, now that I thought about it, barely met the dress code. She was wearing earrings too, and some makeup, but then she liked to enjoy the girly stuff at camp since her parents were super strict at home.
“Alex, you only just started dating him.” As much as I wanted to get along with her, I also knew I couldn’t let a good friend make a big mistake. “Are you sure you want to get that serious with him already?”
“Have you seen how hot he is this year?” She didn’t seem to pay attention to the Munchies vs. Divas showdown either, her gaze wandering past them toward the boys’ camp.
Back at camp, the distance between the boys and girls involved several buildings, tree roots to the tenth power, and Gollum’s private residence. Here, there were only a couple of birch trees. We had a prime view.
“Alex, get real.” Damn it, I knew she wasn’t the kind of girl who made decisions about sex based on a guy’s abs.
At least, I thought I knew that. But what if I wasn’t the only one in Munchies’ Manor who’d had a rough year at home and was exploring a new role at camp? I’d been so focused on my issues…how much time h
ad I spent checking in with my friends to see how things were for them beyond volleyball and bonfires?
I ducked out of the way of a Frisbee that someone sent sailing into the common area. Jackie was breaking up the lean-to squabble by spraying them both with Silly String. Luckily, all that chaos meant no one overheard Alex and me.
“What?” She frowned, her gum stilled, her arms crossed. “You already have a hot boyfriend, so don’t deny me one. Besides, how long did you wait before you slept with Matt?”
“For your information,” I returned hotly, “I have not slept with Matt. Not that it’s anyone’s business.” My cheeks heated when I remembered our dugout hook-up. How close we’d come to scoring.
“Okay, fine, it’s no one’s business. So neither is it any of your business if I sleep with Vijay.” She glared at me, not backing down. “But who is going to believe you haven’t done it with Matt? He’s the hottest guy at camp. Every girl in Hannah’s cabin has offered to hook up with him. And you expect anyone to believe you’re not putting out?” She shook her head, her sneer punctuated by a gum snap.
Had Matt really been hit on by all those girls, or was that just the latest camp rumor? I’d never thought about what he must be giving up to be with me. I still couldn’t believe he’d sacrificed his starting football position by not going to summer practice…if they’d even let him on the team at all. As for sex, he said he’d wait. I cleared my throat. “Actually, we haven’t—”
“Look, maybe we’re not as close as we used to be, so you don’t want to talk about it.” She cut me off. “Maybe you think because my parents write blogs about raising wholesome kids that I’d disapprove.” She jabbed a finger at me. “But I would never judge you, and I hope you’d never judge the person who helped you cheat to pass the swim test for three years straight. Someone who kept all the Friends Forever lanyards we made in Weaving. Not all of us got to go to pep rallies and beach parties like you this year. This is my only chance at fun and I’m taking it.”