by Emily Bowie
He lets out a sigh before answering. “He’s not healing how they were hoping. It’s worse than they initially thought.”
I want to tell him about the Ancestry error, but this doesn’t seem to be the time.
“I’m sorry Danger. I love you.”
I can hear someone start to talk to him, “I have to go, but I love you too.” There is so much stress in his voice I wish I were there to give him a hug.
For the first time in years, I feel homesick. Like I need to sit in my parents’ kitchen and soak in the familiarity of it all.
“Hello?” I CALL OUT, walking in as if I still live there. Dad is sitting in his chair with a clipboard, writing out notes for his next sermon, no doubt.
“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately, placing his work on the side table.
“Nothing.” I try to place on my smile, taking a seat beside him. The chairs are on either side of our wood-burning fireplace. Not that we’ve ever lit a fire before. The fireplace and hearth are more for décor than anything, hosting my parents’ memories on the mantel.
“I know that look. I’m here if you want to talk.” He looks at me like he’s searching for something. “Judgment and opinion free.” This brings a real smile to my face. This is his way of saying he’ll take off his father hat and be a pastor in his advice.
“I had a DNA test done to help me with a gift I’m having you and mom made.”
He holds his hand up, and I prepare for his typical history speech. His eyes look incredibly serious, showcasing his wisdom that lines his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Haven,” he says, confusing me. I watch as he visibly swallows. “Your mother wanted to tell you, but I convinced her not to out of greed for your love.”
I’m not following what’s he’s saying.
“When I met your mother, I fell in love with her instantly. Everything about her radiated pure joy and love, even though her life wasn’t going that way. It was true love at first sight. What we never told you was that when I married your mom, she was three months pregnant.”
My head rears back, never having heard this before. I’ve memorized and fantasized about their love story since I was little. It’s what I’ve been searching for my whole life. I want what they have.
“You knew each other for more than a month?”
He sighs, looking much older than I ever recall. “Your biological father was killed in a rodeo accident when your mother was a month pregnant. She never told anyone other than me. We lived in a very tight community where church was the center of it all, and no one had children before marriage. We kept her pregnancy a secret and married right away.”
“Are you telling me you’re not my father?” My legs shake, and I try to keep a neutral expression. I feel like the worst human being for feeling like the life I’ve always known is falling apart. The life I’ve looked up to for being perfect now has a blemish. I don’t know how to respond. My first gut response is anger that they never told me, that they lied to me when lies were never allowed. Then the guilt eats at me for judging the man who I know as my father. One that loves me no matter what. I know I’ve been a handful. I’m a little more spicy than sweet, rebelled more than they would have liked. But this man accepted me no matter what.
My fight-or-flight instincts kick in, and all I want is Danger. Above everyone else, he will make sense out of this, walking me away from the cliff I feel like I’m about to fall from.
“I need to go.” It hurts me to say the words and I watch my father wince as if it pains him as much as it does me. He walks me to the door, both of us silent.
“I love you. You know that, right?” he prompts, touching my arm.
Nodding, I don’t trust my voice. I must be the worst person in the world to feel like my life has exploded, when I have everything. I have a roof over my head, two parents who love me, a fantastic boyfriend, yet my life feels like a nuclear bomb has gone off. I have to be the worst Christian alive.
“I love you too,” I tell him, turning away and judging myself for my internal feelings.
My feet move one after the other, heading to my small compact car. I stop at the marina, needing a good walk before I trust my limbs to drive a few counties over to the hospital.
The wind rips through my hair like a hurricane, the heatwave passing a few days ago, leaving more turbulent weather.
“Haven!” Frankie’s standing on the dock like she’s waiting for something.
“Hey. How are you doing with your dad still in the hospital?”
She gives me a sad look, “We’re getting through it. This is going to sound weird, but I feel like it’s brought me closer to him again.”
I step in giving her a hug. I hold her longer than necessary, feeling like she needs a hug.
“You fishing?” I ask wondering why she’s here and not at the hospital. Looking around I see no line in her hand.
“Just needed to fill up my jerry can.” She points to the marina’s gas. “I’m in a bit of a rush. Talk later?”
Nodding, I agree, not knowing how to tell her about the new information I have anyway. My whole anniversary gift seems pointless and silly now. The fact that I used my DNA instead of theirs was stupid. The book is about them not me.
I don’t even say goodbye, but neither does she.
Heading down Main Street, I consider going into Oakport Tavern, but I rarely drink. It would be weird. I stop in front of Epic Law and remember when a tattoo and piercing salon used to hold that location. The town thought it was bad karma to place another business in there until Crash told his brother he had a spot for him.
That’s when I spot Danger’s car near the public beach parking lot. I can’t help but to think luck is on my side. I head straight for it and down the pathway, looking for him. Maybe he decided to practice surfing to come with me more often. Creeping up, I don’t want to ruin his surprise but would love to see him in action. Watching his strong arms grasp hold of the board, his core clenching to stay upright, images dance in my mind. But the waves today aren’t the best for a good surf, and no one is in the water.
Walking down the sand toward the public fire pits, I welcome the strong breeze. I can hear Danger’s voice in the distance and know I’m going the right direction.
But that’s when I see her. Ashley, the girl who broke Timothy and me up, the same one who showed up at Danger’s house without me recognizing her at the time.
“I have no problem telling Haven the truth,” she’s yelling at Danger.
His jaw tics like it does when he’s angry.
“I would hate for you to lose the best thing to ever happen to you,” she continues in a mocking tone. “I’m pretty sure even the preacher’s daughter wouldn’t be able to forgive you.”
He says something from between his clenched teeth that doesn’t carry far enough but brings a smile to her face. Slowly, he takes his wallet out of his back pocket, pulls out a few greenbacks, and hands the money to her.
I don’t know much about his finances, but it seems like a lot of money. He’s paying off this woman to keep a secret from me. Timothy’s voice keeps rattling in my head about Danger planning our break-up, and those words stay in the forefront of my mind.
I watch in disbelief as she goes onto her tippy toes and kisses Danger on the lips.
My gut twists, and I can’t help but believe that Danger planned this. Turning away, I feel more lost than ever.
Nineteen
Danger
I step away, Ashley’s lips hardly grazing mine. Everything about this makes me feel slimy and I hate it. I wipe her kiss from my face, wishing it was Haven’s and not hers. Looking past Ashley, I see Haven watching the two of us. The guilt at being here and lying to Haven feels like a cannonball to my gut. Everything about this moment feels wrong, is wrong.
Haven’s eyes widened, and a look that resembles disappointment swirls through her face. Her shoulders slump, and I hear the saddest, most disappointed chuckle come through those lips that I want to kiss. S
he wraps herself into a hug before turning away from me.
As I brush past Ashley, she grabs for my hand, holding me back long enough to say, “You’ll save yourself a lot of disappointment if you let her go.” I shake her off, wishing I realized just how far Ashley would go to keep me in her life.
In three powerful strides, I’m away from her and closer to the only girl that has ever mattered to me. “Haven,” I call her name, hoping she’ll slow down.
She stops on a dime and twists around. The wind picks up, sending goose bumps down my arms. The wind howls in my ears, and the sand makes my sinking feeling all the more real.
“I thought you were different, Danger.” Her words cut me. I want to prove to her that I’m the man she needs me to be. Her voice grows stronger and more confident as she lays into me. “What was the plan? Keep me on your line so I could never find anyone else? Or did you get bored with the idea of us?”
She fights back her tears, her eyes glassy as she rocks herself from side to side. Stepping into her, my hand runs down her goose-bumped arm. I need to hold her and allow myself to explain. But she steps back, a sob breaking through her tough exterior. I never want her to feel like she has to be stronger for me, or refuse to show me her vulnerability, because I want to be the one there for her. I want to be the person she leans on.
Her chin trembles, and I hate myself for making her cry. Stepping toward her, she flinches at my movements, stopping me. I’m forced to watch her attempt to not break down in front of me. She opens her mouth to say something then closes it as she struggles to maintain her composure. My truth is about to rush out, needing her to understand. I can’t live in a world where Haven Rose hates me. I can accept a world where she moves on from me, but never hate. I could never live with myself for purposely making her choose someone other than me.
Then the doctor’s news of my dad and him needing surgery now, because his pelvis is not healing as they had hoped, hits me. It’s all because I haven’t followed through with my side of the bargain. Looking at her, the freckles that line her checks, I realize I should have never made a play for her. She will always be too good for me. In the end, I would end up disappointing her as I always have in the past.
“You just couldn’t stand to see me happy.” Her voice shakes, keeping in her crying as she jabs her finger into my chest. If only she knew. I have done everything in my life to keep her happy.
I’m forced TO WATCH as Haven’s fiancé flirts up the room. This whole party is my planning, wanting Haven to be happy, but it’s backfired on me. I’m forced to watch Timothy take titty shots, grind up and down on other women, and place numbers into his phone. I have hated this man since Haven came walking up to me with him and introduced him as her new boyfriend.
Tipping up my beer, I drink it down without stopping to breathe before letting out a belch. I need to get fucked up, or I may break Haven’s pretty boy’s face.
“Hey, cowboy.” Ashley curls herself around me.
She keeps finding a way into my life. At first, I thought she was a cool girl. After our first date, she showed up to my house to fuck, and who was I to turn her down? We went out on two more dates after that—before I realized she had started to stalk me. She was everywhere I went. She would randomly show up at my friends’ homes because I was there. She would be at every event at the rodeo for me, scaring all other girls away. Soon, I heard her telling people we were exclusive and planned on living together.
Then I found her having dinner with my parents in their home. She had just arrived, saying I shouldn’t be too far behind her, as if we were together. How she knew I would be ten minutes after her, I have no idea. It was then I shut things down with her.
“If you want to make me happy, keep that guy there happy.” I point over to Timothy. Ashley can keep his drinks flowing and flirt a little. Then he’ll stop being all over every woman at this thing and stop embarrassing Haven. Word will get out, and he will thank me later for saving him. I hate myself. I’m trying to fucking save his upcoming marriage, and he doesn’t seem to give a shit.
“You hated THE IDEA that I was moving on from you.” She shakes her head in disgust at me, my heart ripping in half for her. “I should have known better.”
Swallowing, I already hate myself for what I’m going to do, even though I know it’s for the best.
“We’re over, Haven.”
Her mouth drops open like this never crossed her mind as I stand here allowing her to take her frustrations out on me, never asking for the truth.
“I thought I could be a one-woman man. If anyone was going to make me do it, it was you.” I shrug, placing my hands in my pockets to stop me from reaching for her.
A single tear slips down her cheek, then another, before they fall freely, but she doesn’t make a sound. The silent pain hurts me more than she will ever know.
“We tried, and I failed. We should have known the only thing I’m good at is bull riding.”
“You’re an asshole.” Her voice cracks, making me hate myself even more than I already do.
Twenty
Danger
Instead of going home where all I’ll be able to see, smell, and feel is Haven, I go to my parents’. A big, fancy blue truck idles in the driveway. Being an asshole, I come right up to their bumper and turn off my truck so they’re blocked in. I don’t even look at them as I walk toward the house. I hear the truck door open then close before feet follow me. I take a seat on the porch steps, facing the stranger.
“Danger Jennings?”
Keeping my straight “go fuck yourself” face, I look up at the man. I wish in my adolescence I had picked up the habit of smoking; a moment like this feels fitting to be taking a drag off a cigarette right now.
“Who wants to know?” My eyes squint with the sun bright behind him.
“Levi Trickle.” He extends his hand. I look at it but don’t offer a shake. I’ve heard of the name before but can’t quite place it. Slowly, he drops his hand, placing it in his pocket. He doesn’t look like a man who is used to people not giving in to his every want. “Sorry to hear about your father’s misfortune,” he says, making me study him further. He seems sincere and honest, making me sigh. “I want to offer you a job.”
I look him over again. He doesn’t look like the type to live near these parts. “What type of job is that?”
“I need a man like you to help train my twin boys, Holton and Bowden.”
I search my memory for those names. Gradually, it begins to dawn on me. The man standing in front of me is a self-made millionaire. His boys are just making a name for themselves but are still young.
“I’m not much of a bull rider. Haven’t even made it to the top 10,” I answer honestly. No need to get fired a month in once he realizes this.
“I’m more than aware of your stats. I also know your daddy taught you right, and I’ve seen you work.”
“I’m not sure if I’m a kid person. Even for rich bastards like yours.”
Instead of pissing him off, he chuckles. I think I’m making him like me more each minute we talk, when what I’m trying to do is burn my frustration off on someone.
He hands me a slip of paper. “This is my offer. Let me know within forty-eight hours.”
I flip over the folded piece of paper, hating he’s getting the last word in. “You plan on having me move from my home?”
“It looks to me like you could use some new scenery to get yourself a better attitude.” He turns away, and I smile, knowing I’m going to like watching him try to turn around his truck. Much to my disappointment, he has no trouble leaving our driveway.
Looking at the paper, I open it for shits and giggles before I plan to toss it into the dirt. I have to look twice. The number on the paper is three times the amount I make now.
Closing my eyes, I face the sky. I already know if I stay here, I’ll become an old, ordinary cuss who hates life. Levi Trickle might be onto something. I can still work, doing my passion, while keeping my word to
not bull ride. Not that I care about the money. I make enough for me, and I know the future won’t be holding anyone else in it.
Danger, 21 years old
Haven, 19 years old
“Can YOU BELIEVE Haven said that to me?” I question Crash, shaking my head. “She can’t go water skiing, because she has a boyfriend.” I laugh at the ridiculousness of it. He’s a summer person. He’ll be gone before the leaves change color, and I won’t be here waiting when she realizes she forgot the best part of her life, her best friend, me. I have never ditched her for any type of date, even if I know I might get some action. Then here’s Haven, ditching me for her first boyfriend. She needs to learn the way. Bros before hoes, and she is one of my bros.
“I don’t see why you care, man. We all knew she would date eventually. You date all the time.”
“I don’t date,” I huff out, annoyed.
“Well, you do your thing while you travel the world in the rodeo circuit. Everyone down here hears the rumors about you and all the girls. Anyway, a good friend would be happy for her.”
He gives me this conniving smile, like he wants me to prove him wrong somehow.
“Maybe you’re right,” I say slowly. He looks at me, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I should start dating. Get a real girlfriend.” The more the idea rolls around in my head, I like it. “Say, you in the billboard business?” Crash has started to buy up all sorts of places around Oakport Beach.
I see the way his eyes light up with my idea. “I can be.” He’s looking at nothing while saying it, as the gears in his mind begin to work. “When do you want it by?”
“How fast can you get it?”
“You start designing what you want on it, and I’ll get to work. I have a few spots in mind where I can place them. You only want one? I think I can manage three. One in the middle of town, the other two as you enter or leave.” He stands still, nodding to himself. I won’t see him for the next week as he gets this underway. That’s how Crash is. He gets an idea and does it, never wavering. He’s already bought a mechanic shop, which he renamed Crash and Go Mechanics. Two months earlier, he starting a towing truck service called Crash Towing.