“Is Daisy there?”
“No. Who is speaking please?”
“It’s Frazer. Please can you put Daisy on?”
“Daisy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s getting ready.”
“Miranda?”
“Yes?”
“Are you Kathy’s daughter?”
“Yes.”
“If I promise to give your mummy lots of chocolate for you, can you go and drop a drink on Daisy’s dress?”
“She’s not wearing a dress.”
“She isn’t?”
“No. She’s being a dog.”
“Pardon?”
“She told my mummy that she’s being a bitch. I’m being a ninja turtle.”
“Which one?”
“Donatello.”
“Fantastic choice. Do you know how to use your bo-staff?”
“Course.”
“Okay then. Show your moves to everyone at the wedding, okay?”
“’Kay.”
I throw the phone in the plant pot so Auntie Daisy doesn’t know I pressed the buttons and Mummy doesn’t know I talked to a stranger or I’ll get done again.
Daisy
“Your transport has arrived!” shouts Kathy. “Let’s get you not-married.”
I open the door and say hi to the driver of Dolly’s Dog Groomers.
“Not my usual Saturday morning gig,” says the driver.
“Not mine either.” I climb into the back of the van with the evil pixies.
Kathy gets in the front to direct the driver to the Registry Office.
I meet Marcus in reception. He looks at me agog. “What the hell are you wearing?”
“They messed up my rental, Marcus.” I pretend to weep. “The wedding dress was right beside this costume. Anyway, I decided we’d have a sponsored wedding, so it’s not all bad. I’m raising money getting married in this. That’s if you still want to marry me?”
“Of course I do. Christ, it’s hot in here.” He wipes his forehead with his sleeve. It takes me right back to Frazer uncovering his black eye, only as Marcus wipes my spare foundation off his face he reveals the words ‘Can’t.’ The u has been doctored, since I wrote it across his head last night.
“Why have you got ‘can’t’ written across your head? Can’t you marry me? Does someone else say you can’t marry me? Did Belinda write it?”
“Oh, for goodness sakes. I don’t know who wrote it, Daisy. I was drunk. I woke up with it and it didn’t say ‘can’t’,” he spits out. “It won’t wash off. I nearly took off half the skin on my forehead trying with that crap you use and left on the side.”
“My exfoliator?”
“Yes.”
My exfoliator is in almost an identical package to my foot scrub, and it’s the foot scrub I peeled the sticker off and left by the bathroom sink. I mixed them up myself once, painfully. It will have fucking hurt.
“Daisy Harlow and Marcus Bell,” the registrar calls.
“Thank God you are not going to be Daisy Bell-end,” whispers Kathy in my ear.
The sounds of the Rolling Stones I Can’t Get No Satisfaction play as I walk down the aisle dressed in my shaggy dog costume, accompanied by two boys in suits who actually look quite cute and are behaving themselves, having been promised a brand new Xbox One if they do, and a Ninja Turtle who couldn’t give a shit what her mother promises. For some reason, very frightening to me, Miranda is insisting on holding my hand as I walk to the front of the room.
As requested, they’ve allowed me to put my laptop on the table at the front. I informed them I wanted to play a romantic video.
The sounds of the Stones fades away and the registrar begins to talk to us.
I remove my dog head.
We declare that we know of no legal reason why we may not be joined in marriage. Then the registrar addresses the guests, which basically amount to Kathy, Rex, the evil pixies and the few remaining members of Slimming Universe.
Then it’s time for our vows.
Marcus goes first.
“I, Marcus Dorian Bell, take you Daisy Louise Harlow to be my wedded wife.”
All eyes turn to me.
“I, Daisy Louise Harlow, will not take you, Marcus Dorian Bell-end. You are, excuse me Mr Registrar, a complete and utter twatfanny.” Then I press play on the laptop.
Everyone gathers around to watch the groom boning the stripper and then being dry humped by a budgie-smuggling oiled guy.
Marcus tries to run, but Donatello has other plans. Miranda whacks him first in the shin with the bo-stick and then in the windpipe. He goes down like a sack of potatoes.
The door smashes open.
“STOP THE WEDDING.”
The registrar looks aghast as Thor, aka Frazer, walks in wielding his mighty hammer. He’s exactly how I’d pictured my ideal groom, although while I dressed like a Goddess, rather than Pudsey the performing dog.
Mrs Haversham appears behind him, smiling. What’s she up to?
“There are more guests, Daisy, love.” She holds the door open and in come the bailiffs whose warning letter I’d received a few days ago.
I think Marcus will remember his wedding day forever.
Donatello comes running up to Frazer. “Are you really Thor?”
“No. I spoke to you earlier. My name’s Frazer.”
“Uh-oh. You never spoke to me. I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.” Miranda shakes her head.
“Do you know where my phone is, Miranda?” I hadn’t been able to find it before I left.
“It’s not in the plant pot,” she says, and walks off. As she passes Marcus being escorted out by the bailiffs, she whacks him across the bollocks with the bo-stick.
“You aren’t allowed to punish her,” I tell Kathy.
“I’m going to buy her anything she wants,” says Kathy. “Except glitter. She can never again have glitter.” She shivers as she no doubt thinks back to finding Miranda had mixed glitter with the shower gel meaning she’s had a glittery body and vagina for weeks. “Right, we’re out of here. Job done.”
We high-five each other.
I walk up to Thor.
“Hello, Son of Odin. What brings you from Asgard?”
“I decided I wanted to adopt a dog.”
And with that he picks me up, heavy costume and all, and carries me out of the registry office.
A taxi is called and I’m put in it.
“Do we need to go to your house to get your things?” Frazer asks.
I can’t take my eyes off his thighs in his tight leathers.
“Erm, no, actually. I took all my stuff to Kathy’s house as I knew the bailiffs were coming to Marcus’.”
“Thank fuck you didn’t marry him. I can’t believe I’d have got there too late. Though if my meddling mother had told me the truth I wouldn’t have been having a heart attack.”
“Mrs H?”
“What other mother do I have?”
“What did she do?”
“What didn’t she do? She knew from Kathy that you weren’t going to go through with the wedding but she failed to tell me this fact when she texted to inform me you were getting married today. I’ve endured sheep and missed alarms. I thought I’d missed my chance.”
“Who says you haven’t?” I shrug.
“You’re not getting away from me again, Daisy Louise Harlow. You’re going to be all mine. I shall begin by reminding you of the power of my mighty hammer. Now let’s get back to Kathy’s and grab your stuff.”
“You’re very bossy, Thor. Are you taking me back to Asgard?”
“Yes, though mortals call it Beydon.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Frazer
We arrive at the cottage having taken advantage of Rex’s goodwill and van again. We make him a quick cup of tea and then send him on his way. Then it’s just the two of us.
“There’s something I need to do,” Daisy informs me.
She walks upstairs and comes back down, clutching her dream box.
Then she starts a fire.
“What are you doing, Daisy?”
“My dreams are no longer in this box,” she tells me.
Then she slowly burns every bit of paper in there.
I figure that seeing as she’s given up on the box I can go ahead with my crazy idea.
I drop to my knees in front of her.
Her mouth falls open. “What are you doing, Frazer? Get up. Right now.”
“Daisy, Daisy, who drives me crazy. You came to Bey and became my lay.”
“Romantic.” She huffs.
“You won my heart, even after that god awful fart.”
“This just gets better.” She blinks but doesn’t try to hide her smile. “Couldn’t have thought of a more loving poem.”
“So hear my plea, and Daisy Harlow, please marry me.”
I hold out the ring. It’s Green Lantern’s; that’s all they had in the fancy dress shop. Well, I was in a rush!
“Am I accepting superpowers if I take the ring?” she asks.
“You’re accepting a life in Beydon with a major movie star.”
“But the real Thor is already married.”
“Daisy.” I touch her cheek gently. “Can you answer? You’re killing me here.”
She smiles. “Yes, Thor, son of Asgard. I accept the proposal of Frazer McNeil. You may inform him of this fact.”
I take the opportunity to rid myself and her of all our clothes and then I, as Frazer, place the ring on her finger.
“We’ll get you a new one.”
“When?”
“I don’t know. I’m not intending to leave this house for at least a week.”
Then I show her my mighty hammer skills.
***
A couple of days later, when we’ve run out of food, we reluctantly get dressed and head to the village. Everyone who sees us claps, which isn’t embarrassing at all.
We head into the bar for a meal and beer. We’re in dire need of food for fuel.
Trevor winks at me. “Good lad.”
“Thanks.”
“Hey, you seen the papers in the last few days?”
Daisy blushes endearingly.
“Thought not. Here. You’d better have a peek.”
He spreads a couple of tabloids across the bar. I read the headlines.
Tilly Kendrick sacked from movie after ‘extra’ invades film
Tilly and Joe – it’s all over as he decides to live as Olivia with co-star
Spielberg seeks restraining order as Tilly Kendrick approaches him about non-existent niece
“Oh dear. So my career as a film star is over before it begins then?” I sigh.
“’Fraid so, son. They found Frank in the background on almost every single scene. Couldn’t possibly re-film a third time, so it was canned.”
“I’m sorry, Frazer,” adds Daisy, getting hold of my arm. “You can join in my business if you like. I’m going to renovate furniture.”
“Erm, excuse me.” A man at the bar leans forward. “That might not be necessary.” He offers his hand to me. “Matt Brown, and no, not a type of paint for your furniture,” he says to Daisy. “I’m the director of a new soap opera and I’m Tilly’s stepbrother. She felt bad about the film falling through and showed me some of your scenes. We’re setting the soap nearby in Keepham and think you’d be great for one of the main parts. You’ll have to do a formal audition but between us, it’s yours if you want it.”
Daisy squeezes my arm, her huge smile beaming at me. “My fiancé is a TV star.”
“Fiancé, you say?” says Trevor.
We nod.
“Drinks on the house!” he bellows. “Daisy and Frazer are getting wed.”
Epilogue
Frazer
I can’t catch my breath. It’s stuck. Right inside my damn chest. Daisy’s gonna freak if I pass out at the altar.
Closing my eyes to block her out, I concentrate on my breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
“Mate.” Travis, my best mate, elbows me in the ribs. “I think you’re gonna want to see this. She’s absolutely stunning. You did good, Frazer.”
I did. I so fucking did.
Gulping, I force my eyes open, little by little.
My heart stalls.
Wearing a cream vintage lace dress that hugs every damn fucking perfect curve, Daisy lifts her eyes and sees me. There’s a flash of love, of heat, of happiness in her eyes as a soft smile curves her lush lips.
She clings to Rex’s arm and takes a step forwards. A step towards me. The first step that will bring her to me.
Soft music plays in the background. It’s not the traditional wedding march music, and Daisy chose it, but it’s perfect. It’s like each note dances for my bride and carries her up the aisle to me.
My legs feel funny the closer she gets.
People turn to look at her, each head in church following my little Daisy who is holding a bunch of her namesake.
Her fingers squeeze the stalks so tightly I expect the heads to plop off and her cream heels to slide in the mess. My imagination goes wild. Daisy skids up the aisle to me, her mouth a perfect ‘O’ and her eyes as wide as mine.
A snigger rips from me and my mother’s stern eyes glare at me.
Coughing, I once again focus on the apparition gliding towards me.
Who’d have thought such a gorgeous creature would want to marry me? Such a sweet, but feisty woman would want to spend the rest of her life with me?
“I’m so fucking lucky!” I say out loud before I realise the words are out of my mouth.
The vicar gasps at my expletive, and Travis chuckles.
“You are,” Daisy mouths and gives me a wink. Bloody hell, my voice carries well in church! I have to clamp my lips together to stop myself from yodelling. How cool would yodelling be in church?
When she reaches me, she leans into my ear. “You’re a very lucky man. I know what’s under this dress. And it skims my body like a second skin.”
My eyes widen on her and I shake my head, denying her teasing to make its way to my dick.
Too late!
I cough, gritting my teeth as I try to force my erection down. Shit. Not in church!
As if the little minx knows what she’s done she smirks and turns to face the vicar.
“Good morning,” he starts, but I don’t hear a damn word he says.
I can’t help but stare at the Goddess beside me. She’s so beautiful. Her smile makes my heart rate quicken, the silly things she says light up my day, and the way she loves me is like nothing else. She loves me. Me. The tool that is terrified of snails, farts when she’s trying to watch Emmerdale, and reads all the sex scenes in her books out loud after I’ve taken a mouthful of nitrous oxide.
She bloody loves me. And there’s no greater feeling than knowing a good woman loves you. Not even a good fart in the morning.
***
The music is loud. The drinks are flowing. Everyone is having a good time. And I have my wife in my arms as we slowly move around the dancefloor to Take That’s Rule The World…it’s a bit corny but it’s what Daisy chose so it’s perfect.
My hands slip down her back and rest in the dip above her backside. Her eyes twinkle as she looks up at me. “I’m so happy.”
I grin at her, my heart spilling over at her words. “Me too, Mrs McNeil.”
My mother is sat at a table with the WI ladies; she’s nodding but her eyes don’t leave me and Daisy.
Life is good. I’ve just signed a twelve-month contract for the soap opera. Daisy has secured a little store on the outskirts of Beydon to sell her refurbished pieces of furniture, which I have to say, she has a gift for.
And yesterday morning, both me and Daisy sat on the edge of the bath and stared at the little plus that showed up on the pregnancy test she’d just peed on.
Yep, we’re going to be parents. That should be fun. But I can’t bloody wait! I’m praying for triplets, but strangely, when I told Daisy that, she cracked me one. I hav
e no idea why. Three mini-mes would be awesome. Not sure why Daisy doesn’t think so.
“Frazer,” Daisy whispers in my ear. “I’m horny.”
“Again?”
She nods, pouting at me and fluttering her super long eyelashes.
“Bathroom?”
Her face lights up and she hurries away from me. Squealing, she giggles when I slap her arse.
The bathroom door hits the wall as Daisy takes my hand and pulls me into one of the cubicles. Her fingers fight with my fly and almost instantly she frees my cock.
Her back hits the wall and I fight with the lace of her dress as I eagerly push it up to her waist. Her knickers are pure lace, hiding nothing. My mouth waters and I can’t get her legs around me quick enough.
A long groan leaves her and her head falls back when I squeeze my cock inside her wet heat.
“Yes, that’s it,” she hums as I start to fuck my wife for the very first time.
Her nails rake across my back and I’m sure she’s tearing my shirt into strips.
“Is that good, wife?”
She nods, her mouth falling open as I hit her G-spot and make her gasp loudly. Unsure whether we’re both getting friction burns from the way I’m pummelling in and out of her, not that I really care, I cling to her ass, digging my fingers into her flesh to try and counteract the pleasure coursing through me.
Her legs tighten, her jaw drops, her eyes roll back. She’s never looked more beautiful. My ring is on her finger, my dick is in her amazing pussy, and her name now holds mine.
“I’m nearly there, Frazer,” she gasps. “Please.”
“Keep going, Frazer,” a male voice in the next cubicle pipes up.
Both me and Daisy still, our eyes wide at the sound of Frank’s voice.
“Get that bitch there!”
Me and Daisy screw up our faces and freeze.
“Shit,” Daisy mouths.
“Don’t you dare leave my daughter hanging now, Frazer McNeil,” Shirley also chimes up.
“Mother?” Daisy spits out.
“Of course,” Shirley replies. “Now hurry up. I can’t concentrate on giving Frank a blow…”
The Bunk Up (The Village People Book 1) Page 18