“Fuck, baby,” he growled as his hungry mouth closed over the sweet spot in my neck. Tasting my skin, his warm breath breezed over it sending a rash of goosebumps over my body.
“God…I’ve missed you,” he confessed before a low growl passed his lips and his hands grabbed greedily at the material of my dress. “Lift your body up,” he instructed as he dragged the tight, clingy garment down my waist. I raised my hips and dug my shoulders into the mattress.
“Fuck,” he repeated breathily unveiled my naked skin by pulling my dress down my legs. He stopped to press his mouth against my pussy, and inhaled deeply. “You smell fucking delicious. I can smell how much you want me,” he muttered. “I can’t tell you how much I wanted you earlier. How much I want you now,” he whispered in a barely there sentence as his hands and lips frantically teased me. Lifting his eyes to connect with mine, I half expected a smile but there wasn’t one. Instead I saw raw, carnal intent embedded in his eyes. It sent a shiver of delight spreading through me.
“So fucking beautiful, baby,” he whispered, his voice oozing adoration. My heart leapt at the praise. “I’ve never forgotten how you feel in my hands, under me,” he told me. My dress still clung to my legs as he made his way up and down my body, peppering slow, tiny, wet kisses, and swirling his tongue as it lapped at my skin.
Gray took a breast in each hand again. His mouth paying equal attention to both. The sensation of pleasure and pain when he sucked hard burned deep, igniting my need to a crazy pitch inside. “If we do this, I won’t be able to be gentle, Hettie,” he warned, his eyes weighing up mine for my reaction.
“I know,” I said, swallowing roughly, as my mouth went dry in anticipation. My whole body hummed with the expectation of more while his warm palms continued to cup my breasts. I moved my legs, wiggling the dress down to my ankles until it slid off my feet onto the floor. Lifting my knee, I rubbed it up his thigh until it tapped and stroked his sack. His pelvis tilted in a tiny thrust, the effect of my touch making him spread his legs wider.
“Come here,” I ordered, licking my lips in anticipation of taking things up a notch.
Gray snickered, a soft sexy smile playing on his lips. “Are you really sure about this?”
“One hundred percent,” I confirmed, my voice laced with lust.
“In that case anything to oblige,” he stated.
Crawling up the bed until his knees were spread at the side of my shoulders, he looked down and smirked right before I took his cock in my hands. Gray hissed, loudly. Stroking it steadily as I stared into his lust-filled eyes that were fixed hard to mine, I brushed my thumb across his smooth, purple head. Pre-cum oozed from the slit as a hiss left his beautiful, plump lips and his eyes closed for a second. “Fuck, I’m shaking,” he confessed, and I noted the slightest vibration rippling through his legs into my shoulders.
Reaching behind him, his hand slid down my belly, the sensation spiking another wave of electricity through my flesh and my core pulsed with need. When he reached my panties, his fingers slid slowly beneath the lace. His middle finger reaching into my wet core and down toward my entrance. My breath hitched and my grip tightened around the silky skin of his thick, ridged cock. “Taste me,” he demanded, tilting his hips toward my mouth.
Pulling his hand out of my panties he leaned over and grabbed the headboard as I ran my tongue over his smooth head in one sharp lick. “Damn,” he cussed, his head rolling back on his neck for a second. Glancing up at him, I saw his head bend forward and he looked down at me. “Never thought I’d see you from this angle again,” he murmured. “You’re so damn beautiful, Hettie,” he praised.
Gray gasped when I slid his cock further into my mouth and flicked my tongue around his tip. A primal growl tore from his throat. I was just getting started when he pulled himself free of my mouth. “I can’t. I’ll come, it feels too good,” he said in a husky voice.
Turning over he repositioned himself in the opposite direction from me, swept one arm under my thighs, and lifted my ass up to meet his mouth. Using his other elbow to part them he slid his hand under, holding one ass cheek in each as my legs fell open. Instantly his mouth engulfed as much of my pussy as he could. He sucked my panties into his mouth hard as he blew burning air into my core when he exhaled.
Dropping my ass to the bed, he crawled over to face me and kissed me hard. For a second I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest when his wet tip trailed over my belly and stopped. It felt hard between my legs. Seconds later he rose above me, caging me in with his limbs. “Can’t do this foreplay any longer, I gotta be inside you. Will you let me in?”
He’d never asked that question before. No one had. Hearing him say it, I knew he was still checking, giving me one last chance to back out. Hell would have frozen over before I backed out.
“Yes, I want you…please,” I begged. A heartbeat later, Gray tore my panties down my legs in a frantic need to rid me of them. His hand clamped over my pussy, a callused fingertip instantly dipping inside while his thumb expertly circled my clit in tiny, fast circles that had me on the edge in seconds. My whole body felt as if it were dissolving under his touch. I was quickly overwhelmed with so many pleasurable sensations, I felt light-headed.
“You’re amazing, baby, so fucking beautiful,” he whispered, his voice full of admiration. His mouth and hands teased me until a burst of light flashed in my eyes and a heady sense of euphoria rose from my core, scattering the feeling of ecstasy in all directions. “Open your eyes, baby, open them,” he urged as my eyelids fluttered open and my eyes rolled back into focus. When my gaze connected with his, he slowly gave me a sexy, heart-stopping smile. I was glad I was lying down because it made me feel weak.
“Hmm, that was easier than I remember,” he joked as he took his weight on his elbows and settled between my legs. “No fucking condom, right? Skin on skin, I’ve only ever done this with you,” he stated, a serious tone in his voice. Something in that made me believe I was more to him than the others. “I’m gonna fuck you so good you’ll never be able to forget how much I’ve wanted this. How much lust and desire is inside me for you, Hettie Lawson. I said it before, it’s not going to be gentle. You trust me, right?”
His warning was the second in a short time, and the element of threat in his voice wasn’t that he’d hurt me on purpose. It was more like a confession he wasn’t able to hold back. I smiled my reassurance because like he said, if it was the last time we ever connected in this way, I’d be left wanting if he never gave it his all.
Nudging my legs further apart, he stroked his body over mine. The warmth between us, his smell and his skin on mine made me moan with pleasure. “Feels so fucking good, right, baby? I’ve never forgotten how we were that last night. Best night of my life…and the worst,” he disclosed as he rose up over me and dropped his forehead to mine. “You’ve always been in here,” he said, rubbing his brow over mine as he lined himself up at my entrance.
“Take me, Gray, I’m yours,” I said then chided myself for letting something so needy fall from my lips. For a split-second he hesitated, his eyes narrowing. Swallowing roughly, he cocooned my head in his arms, but still made as much contact as he could before gently and slowly, he entered me. I’d forgotten how full he made me feel, that initial stretch and burn as my internal walls adjusted to his size, he was the biggest I’d ever been with…and the best.
For God knows how long we went at it, but he fucked me hard and took me with relentless abandon. He spun me every which way, keeping his word to the point where he slapped my ass when I almost passed out, then kissed the sting away. There was nothing soft and gentle from the moment he made the first buck of his hips. It was a wonder security weren’t called with the noise we both made—well, mainly me with the screams that tore from my lungs. Tugging my hair tight, he extended my neck, biting and marking me. I bit him back more than once, drawing blood when I raked my nails down his back, and pulled his hair at the roots as I clung to him.
<
br /> Eventually, we collapsed on the bed with me still on top, my head resting over his heart and his hand strumming up and down my back in a way that soothed me. His heartbeat was strong and steady, much slower than it should have been for his efforts, but he was a fit man, and from memory, he’d always recovered quickly back in college.
For someone who had no apparent emotional attachments, he stood out in the bedroom in every way. He wasn’t a gentleman and took what he wanted, but he was far from selfish. He knew when to take charge and when to yield, and he was different from any of my other lovers in that he’d always held me close after sex. He paid attention to me even when he lay exhausted in the afterglow of his lust.
After a while his hands stopped moving when they softly caressed my head and my butt. Once secured me to his side I felt a soft kiss on my temple then he fell asleep.
I lay there listening to him breathing deeply, and with every single breath I felt myself falling deeper into him, but that couldn’t happen because nothing had changed. Gray was still a wandering musician and I didn’t even have a home anymore.
I’d taken a liberty moving in with my sister, but his arrival had opened my eyes to everything Harris was not. But sex between Gray and me wasn’t enough. At thirty-two, no matter how much I loved him—and I knew without a shadow of doubt that I did—we had no future. I wasn’t giving up my life on a whim. I had wasted enough time on men who seemed to like my physical side, but I needed more than that.
After an hour, when Gray was dead to the world, I shed a few tears and eased my way out of his bed. I couldn’t use the bathroom for fear of waking him, so I wiped myself with my panties and pulled on my dress then stuffed my underwear in my purse. I grabbed my shoes off the floor, and quietly crept out of his hotel room.
Once in the corridor, I headed to the elevator stopping to pull on my sandals and I prayed that at that time of night no one would see me do the walk of shame. Heading for the restroom on the ground floor, I made myself as decent as I could, and left the hotel by the side entrance. Taking a cab, I headed home with silent tears and another memory of Gray crushing my heart in my chest. I’d been a fool to go backward, but I wouldn’t have missed being with him for the world.
Chapter 14
Multiple gigs ~ Gray
Stretching contentedly, I woke from my dreamy state, instantly remembering Hettie’s warm body wrapped around mine. Opening my eyes with a start, I was devastated when I found my bed empty and my eyes scanned the room—she’d gone.
Rolling over, I sighed in disappointment and quickly reached for my cell. I called her number, but she didn’t answer. When her voicemail kicked in I left a message. “Hey, baby. Where did you go?” I hesitated for a moment before continuing, “Last night was incredible. Amazing...phenomenal. I missed you this morning. I’m leaving later, please call me. Don’t leave it like this, Hettie. I like you…I like you a lot.”
From the moment I hung up I knew my words weren’t enough, but I still tried to carry some hope she’d relent and call me; even when deep down I knew she wouldn’t. My heart felt bruised and wounded from what we’d shared the previous night. We were stupid to air those feelings again. I figured we were definitely done and instantly began to grieve the loss that we’d probably never connect in that way again.
I tried hard to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach as I packed my carry-on distracted by my cell phone, when I should be focusing on what I had to do to be ready to leave. By the time I was ready to go, I had left her three messages in total. I was in denial it would be the last I’d see of her, but Hettie never called back.
Brody was an amazing guy, he picked up on my mood and kept me company as I got drunk on the bus while we headed for Galveston. In my drunken state I agreed with him that maybe I wasn’t at my best when it came to dealing with my feelings. He didn’t disagree, and once I had his validation of that I wasn’t sure I’d ever have what Hettie needed anyway. All I knew was I felt different when I thought about her compared to anyone else. I felt different when I was with her.
Comparing Hettie to my relationship with Lizzie, I knew Lizzie had only been a habit. If I was honest with myself the first few months were fun, but I never had all the gut-wrenching stuff with her I felt when I thought of Hettie.
I guess the novelty of Lizzie and I wore off, and that’s when the fault finding started. Nothing I did seemed to smooth my path, but in hindsight, that coincided with the headaches and mood swings she’d begun to have.
Lizzie’s bad moods and erratic behavior had become more frequent as time went on, and as I appeared to be the source of her irritation, it had come as a relief when she’d sat me down to tell me she wasn’t happy. Of course, I had appeared suitably sad when she ended things between us, but in truth, all I felt was relief. Because if she hadn’t have been the one to call time on us that night, I sure as shit would have.
At least one positive result came from Brody’s drunken counseling session. I had agreed to seek help after, taking some advice he gave me. We’d had various discussions over the previous couple of years about how I saw women, and after my recent fling with Hettie, and the other women in my past, I decided to give my feelings a rest and throw everything into my music for a while.
Focusing on music helped me gain perspective on all the things I disliked about myself. One of which was since I’d been a professional musician I’d neglected my health and my morals. Living a life where the drink poured like water and the women were easy, I’d used my fair share and probably pickled my liver to the point where I was lucky to have gone as far as I had and remained unscathed where long term health issues were concerned.
With that in mind, I gave myself a reality check and although it was a challenge I placed a self-imposed celibacy mark on myself while I tried to get my head around the choices I’d made. It turned out to be a good thing, and it forced me to face some of the things I wasn’t proud of about the way I saw women.
My body’s lack of sex also made my guitar performances appear like I was on fire, with some pretty aggressive displays from all the unspent testosterone running around my system. I’d sworn off all my vices, apart from the odd text, or email from Phoebe. After the last dialogue between us, the last thing I had wanted was to cut off all contact with her. I still regarded her as a friend.
After the excesses of the previous years, Lizzie’s death, and the stuff with Phoebe and Hettie, I figured that my emotional health had taken a bit of a beating. Brody had been on my case for a long time about how I refused to connect with women. I wasn’t aware I didn’t. Women loved me.
Normally, I ignored what he said, refusing to accept there was anything wrong, but after being with Hettie again, it had made me admit to myself that maybe I was more emotionally fragile than I knew. I was comfortable enough in my own skin to concede I had some problems connecting my feelings to situations, but it took some persuasion to accept I needed some outside help. Eventually, Brody wore me down and I made an appointment to see a shrink for another ‘taster session’.
An hour after I had filled in a pile of personal questionnaires, the therapist took one look at them and concluded I was still grieving Lizzie. Fleur, the head doctor, believed had it not been for Phoebe in those early days I’d probably have gone off the rails and could well have had a total breakdown. I figured she’d got that part right.
Doctor Fleur, was a psychiatrist who was quick to offer me the help she thought I would benefit from, but as she’d already highlighted what the issue was, I took to the internet to find a self-help regime I could follow while I was still moving around with the band.
Being self-motivated I placed myself on a health kick, and tried to retrain my body, mind and emotions from hundreds of articles, and self-help exercises I’d found on the internet. It started with one of those pop-up ads on my tablet. They annoyed the fuck out of me usually, but finding that first article by chance, it quickly became the best tools I had for motivating
myself back into shape.
Four months later I’d managed to push my tryst with Hettie to the back of my mind. She never went away but she wasn’t my first waking thought. It was progress. Mentally, I felt stronger, physically I was fitter, and socially I became less irritable. Lizzie was no longer a burning thought every day like she had been in the early days, and if I was honest, once I had unpicked my feelings I knew that Brody was right. It was guilt I felt about Lizzie dying rather than missing her presence.
Playing multiple gigs in seven states in the US had kept my mind busy, and although there had been plenty of pussy on offer, I was determined not to slip back to my old ways. Once I had committed to the self-help regime, I had the drive to heal.
Being kind to myself by not having mindless sex, especially alongside three drunk guys shagging their way across route 66 was damned hard. But I had a will of iron to detox my mind and body. It had taken a lot of willpower, but ultimately, I felt I had reaped the benefits from my abstinence. After the first couple of months I had woken up each day looking forward to whatever it brought, rather than merely trying to get through it.
From the outside, most people viewed being a musician in a rock band as a lazy, privileged way to earn a living. I know I had before I was one. The reality of the job was far from the truth. As far as the advantaged part goes, that was mostly true, but when you are part of a working band, you never have the luxury of being lazy.
Notes On Love Page 14