Strong muscles flexed and tensed and his jaw ticked as it set. Regret passed through his eyes and when he tried to fight his feelings harder he shoved his hands deep into his jeans pockets. My shoulders sagged automatically in response, defeated by the contradiction in the way his body reacted to me versus his cutting words of rejection.
When I finally got the door open, I couldn’t look back. “Thanks, Gray, take care,” I said as I stepped out into the corridor. I had only taken one step away from his door when he quickly grabbed my wrist. His hold was firm, demanding.
Tugging me back inside his apartment he spun me around to face him. My aching heart suddenly stalled in hope at his reluctance to let me walk away. A second later my mouth fell open in, shock when he continued to pull me closer until my body slammed forcefully against his chest. Gray had never shown aggression toward me, but the way he behaved on his doorstep wasn’t aggressive it was possessive.
Once he had my undivided attention he loosened his grip then slid his hand from my wrist to my lower back while his other free hand grabbed my hair. He wound it around my tresses until his hand held it tightly, stopping at the nape of my neck. All the while he was doing that, my heartbeat had fluttered erratically, unsure of his intention until it faltered when his lips brushed against my ear.
Sounding tortured, he murmured, “Stay. Please, I’m sorry.” When I heard his plea, excitement flooded my body. I had wished so hard for him to say that the day I left Miami. Of course, he didn’t. Gray flexed the hand he held low at my spine, squeezing me tighter until our bodies were flush against each other. We were so close I doubted whether tissue paper could have passed between us. I was totally sure in that moment that Gray wanted me, the only doubt I had was if I would be able to walk away again afterward.
Shivers of delight and arousal ran through me, igniting passion in every cell from the mere breath he exhaled as he whispered in my ear. Slowly, his mouth slid to my cheek, brushing it softly then ghosting slowly and tenderly down to my neck.
Goosebumps erupted over the whole surface of my skin, fueling my heightened desire for more. Gray never had to do much to make me wet. When I was with him, just being around him did that to me, even when I was sleeping with him every day. With Gray, the phrases that rang true to me were that you could never get too much of a good thing.
Pulling back, I saw a torn look pass over his eyes once more. It told me he wanted to kiss me, but something held him back. Unlike before, I couldn’t help him with that, deciding in that instant the move was his to take. Gray had created the situation that led to that moment and I wasn’t going to give him the easy way out.
“I need to kiss you, Pheebs. Is that all right with you?” My head was spinning - one minute I was leaving, feeling totally dejected, and the next I was in his arms.
Men like Gray who worked the music industry had women at their beck and call. Most took what they wanted. This was a man who had fucked my mouth so many times I couldn’t have even begun to count. It felt a little weird he asked for permission, sought my approval before he kissed me.
“I’d like that,” I said a little breathily, barely recognizing my own voice. The whole interlude felt like a fantasy. It even passed through my mind to pinch myself, it had felt so unreal. Tracing his hand up my back he cupped my cheek and stared intensely at me again. Swallowing, he licked his lips. His tongue poked out wetting them ready for mine to connect as he closed the space between us. Slamming the outside door closed, Gray leaned into me and kissed me like he’d never kissed me before.
Every emotion between us was poured into our kiss: a tender, slow, innocent touching of lips, agonizingly teasing. A soft moan fell from my mouth. Gray growled gruffly in response, as his tongue suddenly forced its way deep into my mouth, losing control, and it became more demanding, taking me completely by surprise.
My core pulsed tight, my juices immediately saturating the thong I had put on minutes before. My heart beat wildly with the sensation of his mouth on mine. Every single message running through my body screamed for Gray’s presence inside me.
Passion exploded between us as we grappled and groped in a messy, frantic attempt to undress each other. Gray released my hair, grabbed at the hem of my sweater with both hands, and dragged it roughly over my head. My hair crackled with tiny electrical charges from the static of my sweater as he pulled it free. Tugging roughly at the next layer left me bare. My hand caught my halter top he held and my other one covered his, stopping him dead in his tracks.
“If we do this, I won’t be shunned again, Gray. I’m not willingly giving you my body to play with after the way you shunned me this morning. Especially since you stopped me just now and you know what’s in my heart.”
“I can’t promise to love you like you want, Phoebe, but I know you’re in my heart. I don’t love easily, I’m not even sure I know what that feels like. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but I want to be truthful with you, sweetheart. I don’t really know what love is, but I do know that I want to give you something. Not just anything, something.”
Many women would have been disappointed about Gray’s admission, but I knew from talking to Brody, and even from Lizzie herself that Gray had never told her he loved her. I knew he’d grown up in a single parent family, and I’d only ever heard him mention his dad. I had wondered why he appeared less emotional at times and thought there may be something in his past that made him the way he was. However, after the way he spoke about Hettie, I didn’t fully believe or understand that.
Being away from him for all that time had helped me to see him in a different light. Gray had always been complex and guarded, never giving away many of his feelings, so I was stoked to be the girl who had gone from nothing to something. And as little as his words would have meant to most, to me they had meant everything.
When I reached for the button on his jeans, Gray knew I had accepted his admission, and without waiting for me to undo his zipper he lifted me off the ground, wrapped my legs around his waist, and turned on his heels. His stiff, straining cock pressed deliciously hard against my pubic bone as he strode down the hallway with me in his arms, back into his bedroom.
Seconds later he threw me playfully on the bed, crawled onto the mattress with one knee between my legs and leaned over. Nestling his face in my neck his mouth found my skin and he sucked hard. A thrill of pleasure shot through me, drawing a yelp of delight as his mouth teased my body in a way I thought I’d never experience again.
He pulled away, suddenly, stood up and undid the zipper on his jeans, shoving them forcefully down his legs. He grabbed his stiff cock in his hand and stroked it several times. When he caught sight of me watching, the small smile on his face grew wider. “You love watching this,” he stated. He was right, I did.
Gray’s beautiful eyes shone, their deeper amber color clouded with lust as he leaned forward before he took a hard nipple in his mouth. Squeezing the other between his thumb and forefinger he groaned around my breast and sucked like a man possessed. “Fuck, I’ve missed you,” he admitted, his hand kneading my flesh like he couldn’t get enough of me. My heart raced with excitement when I felt the desperation in his touch.
“I’ve missed you too,” I mumbled, even though I was a little scared at my own admission. The last thing I wanted was for us to fall back to the way we were before.
“Come here,” he coaxed. His hand swept under my neck as he sat me up on the edge of the bed. Fisting his cock again he dragged the smooth, mushroomed tip of his cock across my lips. I couldn’t resist stealing a taste of him; my tongue darted out to lick the dewy pre-cum from his slit. Another pained groan tore from his throat. “Take me in your mouth, babe. I want to feel your lips around me,” he muttered in a hoarse, low voice.
My lips parted, his large cock sliding into my mouth while I adjusted to breathing through my nose. I sucked him gently, teasingly, and he exhaled sharply, swallowed hard, and allowed his head to roll back onto his neck as he
faced the ceiling. Seconds later, he looked down at me and as his eyes closed I worked his long shaft with my mouth and my hands. After a couple of minutes, he pushed my head away and grabbed me under my knees, flipped me onto my back and dropped to his knees on the floor.
With a quick glance to check I was okay, a wicked smirk played on his lips before he dipped his head, and he began a pleasurable assault of tiny kisses around my upper legs. Gradually, he traced up one thigh then the other before he sucked the lips of my pussy, thong, and all, into his mouth.
My breath hitched in shock at the sudden pang of ecstasy that sent a jolt of electricity to every fiber my erogenous zones possessed. Pleasure cascaded down from my head wreaking havoc with my senses. Gray’s touch had always had an incredible effect on me, but in that moment, I felt even more.
A small slap on my thigh brought me back into focus as he emerged from between my legs. Reaching back behind him, he gathered a fistful of T-shirt into his hand and dragged it over his head. Tossing it carelessly behind him, he looked stunning.
I had never seen Gray with the level of desire for me he had that morning, and seeing that made the recklessness of the whole episode much more enticing. Packed with sensation and seduction, the way he was controlling my pleasure had me gasping for breath.
Every bone in my body felt as if it was melting under the seductive gaze he gave me when he eventually rolled on a condom and settled himself over me. Placing his hands on my inner thighs he spread them wide, licked his fingers and stroked them down the length of my slit.
Positioning himself over my entrance, he circled my clit with his fingertips before he suddenly dipped his forehead to mine as he pushed his long, thick cock steadily inside me. Both of us moaned loudly, a dirty cuss falling from Gray’s lips as he filled me to his root and settled inside me. “Fuck, babe, I’ve missed this tight little hole.” His eyes connected with mine in a deep stare as he moved slowly and tenderly inside me. He then did something that was very different from what it was like with me before.
Cradling my head in his arms, he reverently kissed both of my eyes, and checked my reaction before kissing the tip of my nose. His lips gently brushed across mine. “I really have missed you, Pheebs,” he whispered. His voice and admission carried his apology straight to my heart. I’d missed him, everything about him.
Chapter 20
Feelings ~ Gray
Lying in the bed I stared once again at Phoebe as she slept beside me, her beautiful features only inches from mine. I half expected to feel some shame, awkward denial or some sense that I’d taken advantage of her, but I felt none of those things. All I felt was peace; a calmness in my soul because for the first time my actions toward her weren’t entirely selfish. We were right where we needed to be and my heart felt light, unburdened.
Somehow between rescuing her from Harry, and watching the back of her heading out my front door this morning, my heart had shifted to a place I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t let her walk out of my life again. The girl had gotten under my skin. She’d been there for a while, in my thoughts at least, and it was only when my heart sank like a stone in my chest the moment she said, “Take care,” that I knew I didn’t want her to go.
I’d made that mistake with Hettie and it was probably too late to go back. I didn’t know exactly what I felt about Phoebe, all I knew was I didn’t want to make another wrong decision by letting her go too. Looking back, the way I had behaved with both women was despicable, even if the arrangement Phoebe and I had was loose. In fact, it was probably one of the shittiest things I’d ever done to her. Yet, she forgave me.
Perhaps it was a moment of weakness when I pulled her back toward me and carried her to my bed, but my lungs had felt clear, able to expand deeply for the first time in a long time, and my gut was twisted in knots as I watched her go. Phoebe showed me how strong she was when she’d been willing to walk away, her courage forcing me to admit that I liked her more than I had been prepared to accept until that point.
I even tried to speak openly with her about my feelings for her. I had tried to quantify them, but I couldn’t, yet she was still with me. She still cared. I cared about her, that much I knew at least.
The few hours Phoebe and I spent in my bed had made me feel satisfied. Good inside. I felt a clarity of mind after sex with Phoebe. It had always been different from the feelings I had when I had sex with Hettie. It was like Hettie got inside my head and stayed there, whereas, Phoebe’s connection wasn’t as complicated to deal with.
I thought my feelings for Hettie were more than I’d felt at any other time, but over the years I had put that down to the knowledge I knew our time was short from the moment I met her, and perhaps it was that knowledge that made what we had more intense. Also, I’d felt nostalgic about the times we’d shared, and the promise of what may have been if we had allowed our feelings to develop would always be an issue that I’d never know the answer to. And of course, there was how I’d ended things between us.
The combination of those four things may well have taken what were feelings of lust and desire and turned them into deeper feelings, or made me feel like they were because we had never had the opportunity to wear our relationship out like most young couples at college did. Who knows, given another few weeks I may well have moved on to another girl or she another man.
Love and emotion made men do fucked-up things, or so my dad had taught me. “Never rely on a woman for anything, take what you need and move on.” That was my dad’s motto after my mother skipped out on us. From that day forward she ceased to exist in our household.
A few times over the years I had tried to probe, pressing my dad for information. I told him it was my right to know why I had grown up without her, but each opening I saw for that conversation was quickly quashed by my dad’s angry, hurt tone. He told me more than once he saw no sense in dragging up the past when it did us no good.
After a while, I guess it became the one topic that was off the agenda. All I knew, was when she’d gone the only thing I had to remind me of her was a family heirloom she’d left behind. A simple wooden beaded necklace and cross she used to wear was stuffed in an envelope and left on my bed. It was her father’s before hers and a sign of her family’s faith. When I picked it up and slipped it over my head I wondered if she’d lost her belief in God when she left it to me.
Maybe I saw how my mother’s decision had wrecked my dad’s life, and it had affected me. Perhaps it was the reason I’d never gotten attached or been able to make a proper commitment to any woman, although I guessed I felt more for Hettie than I knew at the time and if I hadn’t gone home to the UK, who knows what would have happened.
Looking back, my lack of commitment was the cause of most arguments between Lizzie and me. She wanted a ring, and I didn’t feel in a place where I would even consider spending the rest of my life with one woman. Even when she asked me for a promise ring, I had joked about that. My stubbornness wasn’t totally without reason because I didn’t feel as strongly for Lizzie as I had for Hettie. She seemed to be the benchmark I judged all other women by.
Watching Phoebe wince as she turned on her side after having sex, reminded me I wasn’t as gentle as I’d tried to be after our year apart. We definitely had passion and carnal lust when we connected. I’d kissed every square inch of her deliciously toned body, licked every tiny crease, and bitten her ass, neck, and thighs.
She was marked, but then again so was I. A love bite over my pec had been visible in my long, wall mirror opposite my bed the instant she took her mouth away. My fingers teased her pussy and when I glanced up I saw the purple bruise on my chest.
“Are we okay, Gray?” When she sounded unsure, my heart squeezed, and a sinking feeling hit me in the gut. I frowned in frustration at myself, wondering if she reckoned I’d say anything to fuck her. I wouldn’t have done that.
“Sure, babe. Are you feeling okay? Did I hurt you?”
“Not hurt, you’re just a littl
e bigger than I remember,” she said, a little smirk tweaking at the corners of her mouth.
“You never used to complain,” I replied with a playful smirk.
“It used to be a regular thing…I got used to your size,” she replied and blinked with a straight face. I couldn’t help my laugh.
“So what you’re saying is…me fucking you regularly, it’s like wearing in a pair of new shoes until they don’t hurt anymore?” Phoebe giggled, and fuck if it didn’t make my dick twitch, even after all we’d just done. I found the sound of it infectious and cute.
“I guess, although I think it would take a lot longer to wear my parts out.”
“Your parts? What the fuck are you, a car exhaust? I could say a lot about your pussy, sweetheart, and let me tell you it should never be referred to as your parts. It makes it sound like you have spares. Nothing spare about your pussy, doll.”
“And here was I worried about opening my eyes because I didn’t want to face the awkward after sex conversation I thought we may have.” Phoebe’s dry sarcasm was one of my favorite things about her, and I grinned cheekily.
She rewarded me with a wide smile. It pushed her cheeks up to her eyes and the way heat flushed them tickled me. I’d never seen Phoebe blush before, or maybe it was the first time I’d noticed. Usually, I had taken how beautiful she was for granted—objectified her, but as I lay beside her after the emotional shunt I had taken, I viewed her differently.
“What now?” The uncertainty in her voice was jarring. She stared, questioning as the pulse in her neck throbbed. Turning on my side to look directly at her, I leaned on my elbow and perched my head on my hand. Tenderly, I swept some hair covering her breast to the side and gently dropped a small kiss to it. I looked up to see her frowning with concern, sadness, as doubt flickered in her eyes. She searched my face then dropped her gaze to my bare chest. My heart squeezed tight at her uncertainty.
Notes On Love Page 19