She laughs loud. “You’re such a baby.”
I walk closer, and she backs up. “Where exactly are you going?” I ask.
“I’ll run until I can’t anymore.” She grins and runs a hand through her hair, removing it from her face. A huge wood bee buzzes by, and she swipes it away. I take this opportunity and grab her up. “Cash!” she yells and laughs, and I gently place her on the ground, sitting on top of her but careful not to squish her tiny body. The paint on my finger is almost dry, but I still touch her nose, even though she wiggles like a fish out of water. Her eyes are shut tight, and she has her mouth closed, but she still laughs from her chest. Her nose is now yellow like mine, and I sit back.
“Now, that’s better,” I say. She slaps my chest.
“Cash Williams, this paint better come off!”
“Well, you had no thought of that when you did it to me.”
“That’s because you’re a big butthead who deserves to have a yellow nose. You’re a bully, Cash.”
“I am not.” I smile and lean down, taking her lips with mine and making her forget what she was even saying. I taste her tongue when she opens her lips, and I rest my arms beside her head, gripping onto the just cut grass. Her fingers run over my back, and she pulls me closer, spreading her legs and letting me sink. She moans when I push forward. Just then we hear a car pull up. I open my eyes and see hers are wide. “Seems we have company,” I whisper.
“Get up, you big bully.” She grins, and I sit back and pull her up, too. I turn to see Chief Rogers and Anne. He opens the car door, and I look at Anne as she gets out.
“Hope we weren’t interrupting anything,” Drew says, clearing his throat.
“Well, of course we were, dear. Those two were about to get it on in the middle of the yard.”
I laugh, and Sara blushes. “Nah, I would have taken it inside.” I wink down at Sara who shakes her head at me and playfully slaps my arm.
“You two want a drink or something?” Sara asks.
“We just wanted to ride out here and tell you guys there’s an amusement park just outside of town. Thought you two might enjoy that. We could have called, of course—” Anne says, blushing herself.
“But we wanted to take a drive,” Drew cuts in. “And we don’t know why we haven’t told you two sooner about it. Anne and I used to go there all the time when we were younger.”
I look down at Sara. “Wanna go have some fun?”
“Sure.” She smiles.
“Umm, Cash, son, it looks like both of you got a little paint on your faces,” Drew says.
Baby and I look at each other, and neither of us can help the laugh that bubbles up from our chests and bursts out of our mouths.
*
The sounds of rollercoasters swooshing through the wind and people laughing and screaming ring in my ears, and I grab Sara’s hand as we walk on the black pavement.
“What do you want to ride first?” I ask her.
“Everything.” She grins big. We jump on the first ride we see. It’s a train coaster, but from the looks of it, it hauls ass and seems fun. We walk up to the line of people and stand and wait. TVs play in all corners of the line, and fans blow, giving us a little break from the heat of the day. Our turn is next. As soon as the train stops, Sara climbs in first, and I pull the bar close to us. People stand on a wooden platform and watch us, and the person operating the ride says a few safety words before he hits a green button and the ride starts. It’s slow at first, but picks up speed quickly, and before we know it, we’re flying through twists and turns. The sound of Sara’s laugh makes me smile, and she throws her hands up when we drop down a huge hill into a dark tunnel. The ride jerks sideways, surprising the hell out of me because we can’t see anything. Sara’s hands are forced down, and when we come out of the tunnel and stop, she laughs. “Holy hell, that was fun.”
*
Windblown hair and tired feet, we’ve walked all over this park and ridden everything. We’ve eaten, and I’ve played a few games, winning Sara some stuffed animals, which she gives away to the kids except a little elephant. “I love elephants,” she says.
“I love you,” I tell her.
*
“I think the bathroom looks great.” Sara stands wrapped in a towel, looking over the work we did today. The walls are a fresh pale yellow, and the crown molding stands out with its new white coat. She’s shower clean and smells so good.
“I agree,” I say, grabbing her towel from the back.
“Cash,” she says in shock, turning around and covering her breasts.
“Like I haven’t seen everything you have,” I tell her.
“It’s a natural reaction.” She shrugs. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and look her over. “For someone who has seen everything I have, you sure don’t act like it,” she says, giving me a small smile.
“You’re beautiful,” I tell her as I walk closer to her. She swallows my compliment and licks her lips. I reach up and run a finger over her belly and grab her waist, pulling her flush against me. I lean down and move her wet hair from her neck and breathe in deep. She smells like a field of lavender and honeysuckles. I taste her skin and move her so she is up against the hallway wall. Running my hand down the side of her thigh, I lift her leg and pull it around my waist. I’m fully dressed, and she stands naked. I grab her ass and suck on her neck. Moving her head to the side, she gives me better access, and I lift her other leg, taking her feet away from the floor and surrounding myself with all of her. Her smell, her hair, her soft skin, her crazy mind, and her heart are pressed against mine. I take her to our room and lay her down. Honeysuckle love kisses my mouth and makes my heart beat faster. She grabs my T-shirt, and I help her remove it so our skin can touch. My jeans go next, and once I sink inside her, she moans into my mouth and I bite her bottom lip. I love her on the outside, like I love her on the inside. Deep and hard, rough and soft. Life-changing and earth-shattering. She’s everything, and I tell her over and over.
“Never let me go.”
“Not possible,” she breathes.
“Promise,” I urge her because I’m desperate to hear it.
“Promise, promise,” she says.
*
Sara
I tap my nails against the bar top as Banner walks over.
“Hey, Sara, what can I get you?”
“I’d like a beer, please, while I wait for Maci and Leigh.”
“Coming up.”
I look back at the empty dance floor. It’s quiet, but it’s early. Banner slides me my beer, and I see the girls walk in the door.
“Hey,” I say, standing up.
“Tell Maci she looks good,” Leigh says with pursed lips. “She keeps saying she thinks her butt looks big in those jeans, and I think it looks just right.”
“Let me see,” I say. Maci turns around and shows me. “You look fine to me.”
“But these jeans are so tight, I feel like you can see my cellulite,” she says, and I see her dart her eyes over at Banner.
“What cellulite?” Leigh asks, sliding onto a barstool and signaling for Banner. “I’ve seen you in a bathing suit. You have none.”
“You must have not looked good enough because I have some,” she whispers harshly.
“Why are you whispering?” Leigh asks and looks at me, like has Maci gone nuts?
“Banner, I’d like a beer, please,” Maci says, ignoring Leigh.
“Me, too,” Leigh says quickly.
“Coming up, ladies.”
“So, how are things?” I ask Maci.
“Things are okay,” she lies. Banner puts two beers on the bar, which Maci gladly takes after she gives him a small smile.
“Cut the shit,” Leigh says after taking a sip of hers. “This is us. If you’re hurting, tell us. If you’re sad, we’re the girls you can cry in front of. The girls who don’t give a crap about your makeup running or how your face looks when you ugly cry. If you’re mad, we’ll go smash some shit and get some frustr
ation out. But don’t play like this is okay, like this was just a bad breakup in high school and the guy won’t give you back the nude pics you gave him.”
Maci sighs. “Okay,” she says. “Banner, pour us some shots.” He does, and Maci tosses hers back and slams the shot glass down for a refill, which Banner obliges with a sly grin. She wipes her mouth and looks down at the bar, chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m sad,” she says, looking back up. She looks past me, though obviously looking to see if Banner has walked off. He has. “Every day,” she continues. “It’s hard for me to climb out of bed. It’s hard for me to find the care to brush my teeth. My heart hurts, as though it’s literally been torn from my chest and slammed back in.” She rubs her face and grabs her beer. “He broke me. He was my world, and he took advantage of my love and my trust and he broke them all.” Heartache wipes a stray tear from her cheek and looks over at us. “Some nights I pray for the sun not to shine.”
“I know exactly how you feel,” I tell her. “I feel like this for no reason. A lot more than I’d like to admit.”
“What do you do about it?”
I smirk. “My scars are on the outside, Maci.”
Her face sobers, and she looks down. “I’m sorry, Sara. That was a stupid question.”
“No, it wasn’t. You’re my friends. Like Leigh says, there’s no point in tiptoeing around the lion. He’ll know you’re there. Might as well face him and get it over with. I was sad. I didn’t want to be sad anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, so I made a decision.”
“My mom killed herself,” Leigh says. Maci and I look over at her. She looks at her drink. “I walked into her bathroom when I was a kid, and she was lying on the floor with her wrist pouring blood. If I had been older, maybe I could have saved her. But I wasn’t.” She looks up at me. “I’m sorry, Sara, but I can only think that’s a selfish thing to do.”
“I can see how you would think that as a person viewing it from the outside,” I say as Banner pours us another round of shots, “but depression is a disease only the depressed understand, and even then there are so many questions that just have no answers.”
*
Maci dances freely on the open dance floor, laughing and running her hands through her hair. Bright red skates over her pretty pale skin, and she smiles like she hasn’t in weeks. Leigh joins her when she walks out of the restroom, and then I get called over. Music flows through our ears, and alcohol swims through our veins. The night has been long, but like all nights with good friends, it hasn’t been long enough. I love these girls like family, and they give me just one more reason to keep going even when it’s hard.
*
I prop my feet up onto Leigh’s lap, and Maci pulls a chair over and puts her legs up, too. She’s giggly drunk, and Leigh clutches a glass of beer.
“I met Mark when I was in the seventh grade,” Leigh tells us. “I’ve never been with anyone but him.”
“I’ve only been with Cash.”
“And I’ve only been with Lucas.”
“Don’t you think we missed out?” Leigh asks.
“On what?” I say.
“On experimenting. I mean, one man for the rest of your life. There are so many men out there.” She laughs.
“None that I want.” I pick up my beer and have a taste.
“That’s because Cash is insanely gorgeous and treats you like a queen.”
“We have our rough days just like everyone else.”
“What do you argue over? Who is being nicer?” Maci laughs.
“Come on, guys,” I say with an eye roll. “Cash and I have been through a lot. I’m usually the problem, but he has his days where he has had enough and he’ll tell me. My mood swings are unpredictable. Sometimes I’m great, but when I’m not, he has to deal with it and that can be rough on a person. So no, we don’t argue about dirty clothes or the fact the floor hasn’t been swept, because those things aren’t important.”
“That’s true. They aren’t,” Leigh says. “Sometimes I just feel trapped.”
“With Mark?” I ask.
“No, I love Mark, and honestly, if I had the chance to experiment, I know I couldn’t do it. Mark makes me happy when he isn’t pissing me off.” She winks. “I guess what I mean is, this town is so small. There’s a great big world out there. One I haven’t seen any of. He wants to stay stuck in this place and have babies and a white picket fence. I’d be happy with that eventually, but first I want to see the world. Enjoy us.”
“Tell him that then.”
“Girl, I tell him all the time,” Leigh says to Maci.
“Well, you aren’t telling him right. If I know Mark, and I do, I know he loves you and would do anything to make you happy. So, you need to sit him down and tell him what you really want,” Maci says, taking a sip from her beer.
Leigh sighs. “You’re right. I do tell him I want to move, but I’ve never really told him my dreams about traveling. Maybe I will.”
“What about you, Sara? Any big dreams in that head of yours?” Leigh asks me. I look down at my bottle. The lime in it fizzes, and I take a sip.
“I just want to live a full life, happy with the man I love. In a small town just like this, with good friends like you two,” I say, looking up. “If you do go traveling, make sure you come back because I’ll miss you.”
“Me, too,” Maci says. “It’s not easy finding good friends like you two.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Leigh smiles, and we clink our glasses together.
“Here’s to good drinks, small towns, and the best of friends a girl could ask for,” Maci toasts.
Chapter Fifteen
Sara
Colder than a few weeks ago wind blows across my face as the changing leaves get swept from one side of the road to the other. Tingles run up the back of my calves, and icy hot heat spreads throughout my lungs. I take in air through my mouth and breathe it out my nose. Sweat trickles down the center of my spine, and my thighs burn. I’m running as fast as my body will allow, chasing away bad thoughts and shifty mood swings. Today has been tough, and the walls are closing in on me. I’ve gone from one panic attack to another for no reason at all.
My new running shoes I bought online have soft gel bubbles at the bottom, and it’s like I’m floating over the pavement. My new sports bra is filled with sweat, and my new tank top that reads Mind Over Matter makes me feel like a real runner and not just a girl trying to get out of her own head for a while. My therapist told me to start exercising, says it will help. So I went a little crazy and bought a bunch of stuff online. I’ve hidden it from Cash, which is pointless since he’ll know once the credit card bill comes in. I see our driveway up ahead and run faster, until my lungs feel like they are going to explode and my leg muscles tighten.
I fall on my back, landing on the crunchy leaves and dying grass. Sweat drips down the side of my face, and I stare up at the clear blue sky. White puffy clouds move fast, and my chest does the same as my breathing tries to level. I put my hand over my stomach and wipe the sweat from my brow, thinking maybe I need to rake these leaves I’m lying on. I sit up and untie my shoes, removing them and my socks. I wiggle my toes free and stand up to walk inside. The house feels stuffy, and I drop my shoes and socks and go around opening all the windows, letting the fall breeze move in from the field. I lift my tank top over my head and drape it over my shoulder. The leaves can wait.
Taking off my running shorts and sports bra, I step into the cool shower and let the water remove the sweat from my body. It feels like heaven as I sigh and run my hands over my hair. I shut my eyes and concentrate on the water falling onto my shoulders and running down my stomach. I blink my eyes open when I hear the curtain move. “Fucking hell, Cash.” I put my hand over my chest and shake my head.
“Sorry, I needed a quick shower.” He smiles at me, and I seriously think my heart may pound out of my chest.
“Well, you couldn’t have waited?” I ask as I blink the water out of my eyes. “What the hell is
all over you?” I reach up and touch the side of his face.
“Mud,” he says, moving me out of the way.
“Mud?”
“Yeah. Shit, this water is cold.” He adjusts the knobs, leans his head back, and rinses off the dried-up mud.
“I went for a run.”
He opens his eyes. “So, you’re actually listening to Dannie?”
“Hey, I listen to Dannie. I have a journal.” The water below us turns brown and orange, and I move back. “Where were you to get mud on you?”
“Mark and I kind of went off-roading this morning.”
“Kind of?” I ask.
He smiles and reaches behind me for the shampoo. “Maybe, not kind of.” He kisses my nose and opens the bottle. I watch him squirt some onto the palm of his hand before he gives it back to me, and I do the same.
“I thought you were helping him chop firewood?”
“I was and then we hopped on his four wheelers.” He’s all smiles and in a happy mood. He rinses his head and bathes off quickly before he hops out.
“Well, I’m glad you had fun.”
“Me, too,” he says before I hear the door shut. I roll my eyes, but can’t help but smile. He needs to have more fun and act his age. He’s only in his late twenties, but you’d think he was older.
You make him older.
I rinse off, too, and get out, trying to ignore the thoughts of how I make Cash’s life hard.
*
Cash
Embers of fire drift upward into the night sky, dancing around each other until they burn out completely. I watch the stars with a cold beer in my hand and a tipsy Mark beside me. He’s strumming a tune he only knows on the guitar, and I hear Sara, Maci, and Leigh laughing inside. Leigh walks out first with a bottle of something.
“Baby,” she calls out.
Mark stops playing and looks her way. “Yeah?”
“Tell these girls how I got up on stage that one time when I turned twenty-one and almost chugged a whole bottle of tequila in one gulp.” She sways a tad, and I’m guessing she doesn’t need what’s inside that bottle.
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