by Abby Ayles
“And what can I do? If he will not listen to his sister, or his business partner, then why should he listen to me?” she asked, exasperated. “I am just some girl they brought in to care for him.”
Dr. Allen shook his head again. “I do not expect you to work miracles. I am simply ensuring that you remain informed. You are the only person with the ability to care for him adequately, and to persuade him to take his medication. It may seem painful and pointless to be discussing these matters, but we must keep one another informed. We are the last hurdle between him and a lifetime of illness.”
Kitty hesitated. Dr. Allen was right. She needed to remain professional and do her very best to help him. Just because she was not a doctor did not mean she lacked responsibility for the earl.
“I am sure he can care for himself at this point,” she replied nonetheless.
“I am not so sure. I need you to watch over him,” Dr. Allen insisted.
“He is going to Germany in a couple of days, and then what?” Kitty asked. “I am not invited. Nor are you. But I do not fear for him. No, he can care for himself by now, I am sure.”
“In a couple of days?” Dr. Allen asked.
"Yes, had you not heard? I doubt that we can do anything to stop him by now, I am afraid,” she replied.
“No, I had heard. It's only that I thought he was going today,” Dr. Allen replied, sounding perplexed.
“The servants were saying it would be in a couple of days,” Kitty said, turning a piece of dry toast over in her hands, looking for the butter.
“He told me it was today,” Dr. Allen said.
He told Dr. Allen? They had spoken about it in person, and yet she had not even been informed. It was not as though the earl knew that Dr. Allen was a doctor giving him medical care. As far as Earl Sinclair was concerned, Dr. Allen was just Kitty's servant. And he had been told, but she had not.
Kitty was secretly hoping that this was wrong. He couldn't be going today? Without saying goodbye? “I suppose I ought to have asked him myself,” she said with a faint smile, standing up. “I am done with my breakfast.”
Walking up to his room, she saw that the maid had finished cleaning. No pajamas were left on the bed. But he never wore them anyway, did he? And his travel diary was gone. But perhaps he just wanted to show it to Bertie? He was probably going to be home by sunset. In fact, he was probably going to be home by lunch. So she waited in his room, reading a book, for him to return.
She waited and waited. But he did not come home. She gave up on her book and watched the gravel path outside at lunchtime. But he did not come home. Staring out the window, she saw the sun slowly setting. The front door slammed shut. But it wasn't him. She knew that much. He was in Germany.
She picked her book up and tried to look lost in its pages as a pair of women's feet tapped their way down the hallway, crossing in front of the door, then halting and returning to the doorway.
It was Cassandra. In a sports jacket. When had she been out? She must have recovered from her headache and gone to town for some reason or another. And now she had returned and was looking right as rain again.
“What are you doing in here?” Cassandra asked. “Augustus has already left for Germany.”
“I am just reading,” Kitty said, wondering how ridiculous she looked and sounded.
“In Augustus's room?” Cassandra replied, smiling knowingly and walking in. She sat down on the bed. “What is really the problem?”
Kitty put her book down and shrugged.
“He is in Germany, but he shall return,” Cassandra said. “Are you upset that you could not go this time? You cannot expect to go on every business trip with him. Especially not now that he is healing.”
“It is not that,” Kitty said.
“Then what, darling?” Cassandra asked gently.
“He did not tell me,” Kitty replied, trying not to sound sullen. “He told everyone, it seems, but not me. I don't matter as much though. I am just a nurse to him.”
Looking into Cassandra’s eyes she saw they were brimming with warm affection and pity. “Oh, Kitty,” she said. “I am sure he had his reasons.”
“He did. His reason being that I am just a girl who was brought here to look after him, and now that he is recovering he has no further need for me,” Kitty replied.
“No, there has to be something else. He has always been so considerate of you thus far,” Cassandra insisted. “I am sure there is another reason why he did not tell you. And you will know soon enough.”
“What does his reason matter?” Kitty asked. “He is healing and soon he will no longer need me. He is probably simply forgetting that I so much as exist.”
“He will notice you eventually, I am sure,” Cassandra said softly, hugging Kitty tightly and kissing her hair.
“I am not sure I want him to,” Kitty replied.
“Now, do not say such nonsense,” Cassandra said. “You are a wonderful fit for him.”
“No, I am not,” Kitty said flatly. “I may be a fit for him right now, when he needs me. But as he grows healthier and stronger we will grow apart, and he shall forget me. As is right.”
“Kitty, you two are suited for one another for many reasons. And not just because of his injury,” Cassandra replied.
“You are suited to him more than I am,” Kitty said. “You are simply both too stubborn to see it.”
Cassandra laughed. “Kitty, you are far blinder than I am.”
Chapter 30
Kitty waited and waited for news from his trip. Every single letter, however brief, excited her. She longed for nothing more than to see his safe return and hear his stories. She would never have him. She had accepted this long ago. But that did not mean that she could not relish whatever company he could offer her.
Their days together would be numbered as soon as he returned. And she wanted to enjoy every second of them, so that she at least would have something to properly remember him by when they parted ways for good.
Delilah was too busy to dine many nights. But Kitty did not mind. Both the older women were so important, so precious to her, that as long as she could spend time with one of them, all would be well. It was comforting to spend time with either of them, to take her mind off the things which were troubling her.
“Your mind seems to be occupied,” Kitty said to Cassandra.
“I am simply contemplating what I ought to do with the new trade route which Augustus has secured, that is all. I have some deals to arrange in London soon, and I must have everything prepared,” Cassandra said.
“Soon?” Kitty asked. “How soon is soon? I would have liked to spend more time with you.”
“I shall be leaving tomorrow,” Cassandra replied. “It truly was lovely meeting you, but I am a woman with a lot to do.”
Kitty felt a pain in her chest. It was not quite the same as when the earl had rejected her, but it was not much better. She could not bear the idea of losing a friend, especially not right now. Especially not such a good friend as Cassandra. “Oh,” was all she could manage to say.
“I shall return, in a month or two,” Cassandra reassured her. “Maybe more. I simply need to make sure that everything is running smoothly. It is not easy, supporting oneself as a woman in this world. But I must.”
“You have been like a sister to me, you truly have,” Kitty said. All she wanted to do was embrace Cassandra. She didn't really know what it felt like to have a sister. But she was pretty certain that this was it. The love and support there was between the three of them was magical, powerful, something which Kitty had never experienced. In fact, she would not even have believed it was possible to feel so close to another woman until she met them.
They were like family. Only soon she would not be able to see as much of them anymore.
“I am glad you think so highly of me,” Cassandra said. “I never had a sister besides Delilah, so I am not sure how good of a sister I am, but I can only hope I was a good one to you.”
“You w
ere. I will miss you so much,” Kitty replied.
“I shall visit you again soon, though,” Cassandra replied with a broad grin. “You are so close to my heart, you are like a little sister to me also.”
“But you said you would be away a few months or more,” Kitty said.
Cassandra nodded and sipped her wine. “I shall. And then I shall return. And when I return I shall visit you and we shall talk and I shall show you all the amazing things I am importing and we may drink wine late into the night together.”
“I may not be here when you return, though,” Kitty said softly. “I may be home by then.”
“What does that matter?” Cassandra asked, chuckling a little. “If I can make it from here to London, I can make it from London to your home. It is not as though either of us is about to vanish from the face of the planet, is it?”
“But if you come and stay with Lord Stamford and Delilah, I will not be living with them,” Kitty said. “They may not even be talking to me anymore. I might be getting married to someone else. And then what do we do?”
Cassandra laughed loudly. “Then I shall visit you at home. Kitty, I came here to see my brother in law. After losing my own brother, I was scared of losing another one. But if I wish to visit you, then I shall visit you. Just because we are women does not mean we must base our lives around the men in them.”
Kitty hesitated. “Do you really mean that?”
“What part?” Cassandra asked. “Never mind, yes, I mean it. All of it.”
Kitty hesitated again and sipped her wine. “Nobody has ever said that to me before.”
“Said what?” Cassandra asked.
“That we ought not to base our lives around men. I always assumed that the end purpose for every woman was to get married, or to make her father proud,” Kitty explained.
“You can get married and make your father proud without making it your sole reason for existing. And some women, such as myself, have no father to make proud and do not intend on marrying. I am hardly a failure,” Cassandra replied.
“You are a very unique woman, Cassandra,” Kitty remarked. “I am sorry if that sounds wrong, but there is no other way of putting it.”
“It does not sound wrong at all,” Cassandra replied. “It sounds very right, in fact. I am unique. I am the only Cassandra Lovell there ever shall be. And I must be true to that identity, because nobody is going to protect her but myself.”
“Are you not afraid?” Kitty asked.
“Of what?” Cassandra retorted.
“Of ending up on your own, without anyone to support you or care for you, without anyone to love you,” Kitty replied.
“There is plenty of love in the world. Someone is bound to love you, in one way or another. But if you do not love yourself enough to seek out other people, then you will never discover where your friends are,” Cassandra said.
“I am not sure I have the courage to be like you,” Kitty said softly.
“You must also aim to always be unique, to be yourself,” Cassandra replied. “Only you can be you. Only you can be Kitty Langley.”
“I am not sure that Kitty Langley is a person worth being,” Kitty replied, wrinkling her nose slightly. “Maybe I ought to try and be someone else. To try and be more like you.”
“Kitty Langley is who you are, though,” Cassandra insisted.
Kitty sighed. “How can I be someone not worth being?” she asked. “There are so many people I would rather be.”
“I know that you would much rather be Kitty Sinclair, but be patient. Kitty Langley is most definitely a person worth being,” Cassandra said with a chuckle. “And if you wait, you will find out why.”
“What do you mean?” Kitty asked.
“Everyone is worth being. All of us, in some way or another. But we are not born knowing our purpose. You just work it out as you go along. Perhaps we are born into a family which practices one trade and then we take on another. Or perhaps we are born as the daughter of an earl, but we become heiress to a Duchy. Or perhaps we are born to be something else and we discover we have a talent for trade. Or perhaps... Perhaps we are born with a body that continually lets us down, and in spite of that we become strong. We are always transforming, always moving towards our purpose,” Cassandra explained. She stood up and, walking over to Kitty, planted a kiss on the top of her head.
“Are you sure?” Kitty asked.
“I am certain,” Cassandra replied. “I shall pack my bags, then we can talk some more before I must leave.”
Kitty watched as her friend walked out of the room. She didn't feel hungry any more. Instead, she wandered into the front room and picked up a book to read.
As Cassandra packed her bags upstairs, Delilah walked into the front room, opened a paper, and started reading as well. Kitty and Delilah sat in their chairs before the fire, reading quietly.
“I am sorry for how I have treated you,” Delilah said out of nowhere. “I just wanted you to know that I am aware what I did was wrong, and I did not wish to hurt you.”
“You did not hurt me. And I understand what you did. You were being protective of your brother, and I respect that,” Kitty said.
“Truth be told, I was afraid my brother would fall in love with a woman of lower social status. What is more, I was concerned he would wed a woman without a spine, who he could boss about,” she explained. “Seeing you, how gentle and kind you are, I thought you would bend over backwards for him. To be honest, just like I did. I thought he would control you and do as he pleased and end up killing himself.”
Kitty felt her heart sinking. “I understand those concerns entirely. And I respect that you, who were once married to a Duke, would not want your brother to marry down.”
“It would not be marrying down, though. Perhaps in the conventional sense, but who lives according to convention anymore? No, you are a good, strong woman, and you would no doubt show him how to lead a respectable life.” Delilah smiled warmly.
“Do you not want your brother to marry Cassandra, to secure the Duchy again?” Kitty asked, a little surprised.
“No, Kitty, my ambitions are not my brother's destiny. He must choose his own path,” Delilah replied. “And if he chooses to marry you, then he would be choosing a woman most suited to his own interests and goals. That is not for me to decide or interfere with. I must pursue my own fortune of my own accord, and let him pursue his likewise. My fears were petty, and I am sorry I allowed them to change how I was treating someone who has been nothing but a friend to me.”
“I doubt you had anything to fear,” Kitty replied with a sigh. “He is far, far beyond showing interest in me.”
“What makes you say that?” Delilah asked. “I thought he seemed rather warm to you.”
“I did too. But whenever he has brought up marriage in the past it always seems to concern other women. More socially appropriate choices. I have come to accept that he will never want me,” Kitty said with a meek smile.
“For what it is worth, if he has the sense to ask you to marry him, I am sure that you would make a most excellent sister in law,” Delilah said. And from her tone of voice, Kitty could tell that she meant it.
Chapter 31
Both letters arrived the same day. One from the earl, another from Helena Keats. Kitty was always happy to receive a letter, but today she had a bad feeling about both of them. She was not sure why, but something felt wrong. She locked herself in her room in the mansion to read them in peace.
“Miss Kitty Langley,
I am writing to inform you that my journey across Germany is coming to a close. I have made it safely to the port in Denmark and ought to be home by next weekend. I look forward to seeing you, and telling you all the tales of this trip. I have missed you greatly, far more than is proper, and I feel we ought to talk somewhat about the circumstances as they stand, with my speedy recovery. I shall not be able to send another letter, but I hope this one arrives before I do,
Yours confusedly,
L
ord Stamford.”
Reading his letter Kitty felt a mild sense of dread. This was what it was coming to. He would come back, say that his attraction for her was inappropriate, and she would never see him again. She sighed and pushed the letter into a drawer. It was not as though she could reply to it. He would be back in a day or two, based on the date at the top of the page.
She turned Helena's letter over in her hands. She had not heard from Helena in a long time. But she was not sure whether this would be good or bad news. Her ominous feeling about the earl's letter was not wrong. She couldn't just ignore Helena's letter, though. She tore it open.
“Dearest Kitty,
It is with great regret that I write to inform you that my condition has worsened significantly. Since you last saw me I have been in the hospital no fewer than fifteen times! I have spoken to my physicians and they are recommending surgery to remove several glands from my body. I am not sure what this should do, but I am naturally afraid. I would appreciate your company as I undergo these treatments, and your love and support. I can think of no better friend to have by my side.
I know that you are busy at present, but I would very much like to have you by my side as soon as you can come. It may sound morbid, but I fear these may be my last days, and I do not want to be alone. My family is company in their physical presence, and for that I am grateful. But my soul needs company as well, and nobody understands my trials as you do.
Your dear friend,
H.R. Keats”
Reading the letter, Kitty immediately checked the date. There was plenty of time to make it down to see Helena. Good. For a moment she had been afraid that it would be too late. But no, even after the travel they ought to have a few days with one another.
Had Kitty received one at a time, she would probably have thought differently about it all. But reading them one after the other made her realize where her duties lay. The earl no longer needed her help. Helena still needed her. The earl was building up to sending her away. Helena was asking for her company.