by Abby Ayles
He was pale. Very pale. As one would expect coming from a person who was severely ill. But she could see a subtle hue in his lips that told her he was still holding on. His blankets moved ever so lightly, suggesting an otherwise imperceptible rise and fall of his chest.
She sat at his bedside and looked at his face. She wanted to caress him, to kiss him. She knew she should not. But she wanted to so very badly. She was not allowed a man like him. It was improper.
She glanced over her shoulder. They were alone.
Cassandra had walked out of the room. She knew, and she wanted them to have those moments. Kitty smiled meekly and reached over, moving the earl's hair from his face. His skin felt sublime under her hands. It seemed someone had been called him to keep him clean and to shave him. It was odd to think that this had been anyone's priority, but perhaps when a patient was permanently asleep, the priorities changed?
She gently pressed her lips to his forehead. She did not dare to kiss him anywhere else, but the forehead would do. His skin was not cold, but it was not as warm as it should be either. He smelled faintly of soap suds, but she could still detect the usual smell of him. It was not what she wanted. But it was comforting nonetheless.
She sat up and looked over him again. He was truly the most handsome man she had ever met. And so intelligent, so fun, so full of life. And now all of that had been robbed from him. The boldness of his face had been taken over by pallor and sleep. His mind had been forced into silence. His energy was suppressed, he lay there motionless, unable to do all the things which made him who he was.
Still, she loved him. She knew he was in there, fighting to survive. And she would support him in that effort. She would be there for him.
Would a kiss on the lips be so bad? She found herself staring at his mouth. It might be the only way she could ever kiss him. He may be dead, or awake by the end of the day. Surely she deserved to kiss him? Surely it would not hurt anyone?
She leaned down, feeling his light breath against her lips, so soft and warm. Just one kiss would do no harm.
When she heard him stir in the bed, she almost fainted. Was it possible? Had she been caught? Was the kiss awakening him, like sleeping beauty from her slumber? But no, their lips had not yet met. Ashamed, Kitty sat bolt upright again, averting her gaze.
Chapter 35
Kitty watched him out of the corner of her eye. He was not moving anymore. Was he asleep? Awake? She could feel her whole body freeze, even her breathing stopped as she waited to see if he was waking up.
But it was just wishful thinking on her behalf. He had not moved, or if he had, it had been a slight, sweeping movement. Now he remained still and silent once again.
Regaining a little courage, she looked back at him. Yes, he was as still as a statue. It had all been in her head.
She paused and looked at his eyes. They were moving beneath his eyelids. He was dreaming. That was probably why he had moved as well. Normally she was somewhat disturbed by sleep activities, from sleep talking to eye movement. It was like a person was treading the ground between worlds.
Last time she had seen someone active in their sleep was when her mother had been about to pass away. Her new medications had made her volatile, and she had taken to getting up at night and walking about the house, still completely in her sleep. It was terrifying and transfixing to the young Kitty, and was one of her most vivid memories of her mother's last days.
And after that she had not been able to look at sleep activity the same way. Every time someone snored, or spoke in their sleep, or twitched, she had been afraid they would stand up and walk about in a trance. But this time was different. This time it felt oddly reassuring. It was a reminder that the man she loved was alive.
She smiled at him and reached for the edge of the covers, where his fingertips peeked out. She held his hand just under the edge of the blanket, feeling how warm it was compared to his face, noticing the gentle movements of his fingers as he dreamed of doing something technical and intricate.
He was still an adventurer even in his sleep. She could only wonder what he was doing that had him so busy that his efforts were translating into real-world movements.
And if he was still an adventurer as he slept... perhaps he would want to hear about her adventures? She didn't lead the most exciting life, but a few things had happened which were out of the ordinary, which perhaps even he had not experienced. And maybe hearing about them would invite him to wake up, to join her and experience new things again.
“I went on an adventure today,” she said softly, feeling like a bit of an idiot. “A real adventure, all of my own. Have you ever ridden on a steam-powered carriage?”
He didn't stir. Of course he didn't. He was completely unconscious. But nevertheless, she carried on. It would do no harm, even if it did no good.
“Helena's father told me all about it. Made by this man he knows by the name of Mr. Trevithick. For now, it is only used to display the invention, and by a few small businesses. But not for long. He plans on putting it on its own special roads, so we can travel up and down the country faster than on horseback,” she paused, looking at his peaceful face. “I suppose if it were available you would not be here, would you?”
She held his hand as she carried on telling him about her journey. About this amazing new machine. He just had to experience it too. He had to wake up, so he could come to the future with her, and see all it had to offer. And he would never end up like this, stuck in a hospital bed, again. He could just travel safely and easily wherever he needed to go.
Kitty wondered for a moment whether such amazing progress would make adventure truly safe. Or whether people like Earl Sinclair would continue to seek thrills, just finding new ways of putting themselves at risk. Would he enjoy adventures if they were not dangerous?
Hearing Cassandra returning, Kitty gently placed the earl's hand on his chest. He grumbled a little in his sleep, his fingers twitching. However much Cassandra wanted Kitty to pursue the earl, Kitty still felt self-conscious about doing anything which may be judged too harshly.
“Have you said all you wanted to?” Cassandra asked.
“Not a fraction of it,” Kitty replied with a sigh. “I wish he were awake to actually hear it, though. It feels so strange to see him like this. It's like he's simply asleep, like he could wake up at any moment.”
Cassandra shrugged. “I feel the same way when I am in here. But it gives me hope.”
Kitty looked at the earl's resting body, his eyes moving beneath his eyelids again.
“You missed him, did you not?” Cassandra asked, squeezing Kitty's shoulder.
“I did.”
“Where were you when he left?” she asked.
“I had left to look after a friend a few days before. I told them I was not going to be back. Not to see Lord Stamford, at any rate. It was too painful for me, especially as he was healing so well and resuming his normal life,” Kitty explained, feeling guilty as she admitted to abandoning him. “Do you think that if I had not left, he would not have done this?”
“Nobody can stop Augustus doing anything he sets his mind to, Kitty. You didn't do this, he did,” Cassandra said flatly.
Kitty sighed. She still felt bad about it, but Cassandra was right. It was nothing she did, and there was nothing she could do about it either. “May I stay here a while longer?” she asked.
“You may stay as long as you like. In fact, I am grateful for your presence. I would like to get some better sleep. Only a few hours. But with you watching over him, I know that he is always safe,” Cassandra replied.
“Have you been watching over him this entire time?” Kitty asked, surprised.
“I suppose that I was worried if he died... it would be alone,” Cassandra said.
Kitty was surprised. Cassandra always seemed so strong, so bold, so fearless. But now that Earl Sinclair was in such a pitiful condition, Cassandra seemed on the verge of breaking. Perhaps it was just the lack of sleep making her display
deeper emotion than she usually did, but it was so jarring to Kitty. Even someone as strong as Cassandra had things that made their hearts and minds weaken.
“You are very close to him, for a brother,” Kitty remarked.
Cassandra looked away, somewhat awkwardly. “What do you mean by that?”
“You say that you are not interested in him, nor in marriage, but you are doing so much for him now that he is ill. You are so worried about him,” Kitty replied. “Are you sure that you do not see him as a possible suitor?”
Cassandra shook her head. “It is not like that.”
“What is it, then?” Kitty asked tentatively.
“I suppose I am close to everyone,” Cassandra said with a smile that briefly revealed so much pain. “I do not have anyone left alive in my family. Growing up there were so many of us, but one by one we were seized by age or illness.”
“I see,” Kitty said. She wasn't sure what else to say. But that explained a lot. Cassandra was alone in the world. Even though she was a successful businesswoman, she was nevertheless alone, without any family save Delilah and Lord Stamford.
“I suppose I ought to get some rest,” Cassandra said.
Kitty felt relieved that Cassandra was still looking after herself. “Yes, you need to get plenty of sleep. You've done very well so far, but I can take over for now.”
“Send for me if there is any change in his circumstances,” Cassandra insisted, squeezing Kitty's shoulder one last time.
“I will,” Kitty replied with a warm smile.
Cassandra left the room, turning back one last time to look at Kitty and Lord Stamford, an expression of fear and sorrow breaking through her usually calm face.
Kitty felt sorry for Cassandra. She had not paused to consider what life might be like for her. After all, it was usually assumed that the life of a bore no hardship. But that was not true. All the power and money in the world could not bring her family back. Even with all that science could do, the earl was still laying in bed, possibly going to die.
Kitty looked at his sleeping face and wondered what it must have felt like to Cassandra. She had known him a long time, and he was a brother to her. Unlike Kitty she had no family to return to if she lost her brother and sister in law. Kitty knew she could not even begin to imagine the fear, the sadness which they had felt.
“I have recently come from staying with a friend who is also ill,” Kitty said to the earl. She wasn't sure why, but she wanted to say it. She had to say something, after all. It felt strange to just sit there in silence, waiting for him to wake up. At least by speaking she would feel she was doing something.
“She and I were always just as ill when we were little. Exactly the same. She said she was my hospital twin, because we spent so much time together at the resorts recovering,” Kitty carried on. “But I got better and she did not. Nothing she could have done about this. It was just the way she was born.”
Kitty sighed and looked up at the curtains, where a thin beam of light shone through. “She is going to have surgery. It might make her life much, much better. Or it might kill her. And she says she is prepared to take the risk. I cannot imagine what that must be like. Even in my darkest hours, I was happy to be alive. Life is a precious thing.”
He stirred a little in his sleep and once again she felt her hopes soar, only to crash back down as she realized nothing was happening.
“I do not know why I am telling you this. It is not as though you can hear me,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I suppose it is nice to get it off my chest. Because life truly is precious. Even a life like mine, or a life like you had to live when you were healing at home, is better than not living at all.”
And there was so much more that she wanted to get off her chest. It felt strange, saying it to an unconscious man in a public place. But perhaps it would help? Perhaps if she told him, she would be able to go about her life as normal again?
“I suppose it frustrated me to see you wasting your health, because I have longed for so many years to heal, to be strong and healthy and happy. I just wanted more and more and more, and I thought you were throwing it away. And perhaps you see things differently. Perhaps, like Helena, you think that a life without certain pleasures is not a life worth living. But you do not live your life just for yourself, for the things you enjoy. You live it for others too, for those who care about you.” Kitty could feel tears dripping down her cheeks.
“You cannot die, Lord Stamford. Especially not over something as foolish as your own stubbornness. I know that to you it was important to continue living life normally. But to me it is more important to see you alive.” She ran her hand over his head gently, feeling his hair through her fingers.
“Don't die,” she whispered softly to him. “Please, don't die. I am not sure what I would do if you were to die and leave me here. I love you. I know you are not mine to have, but there is nothing to stop me from loving you forever, so at least live so that I can enjoy your company once again.”
Chapter 36
Kitty watched over the earl for the rest of the day. She grew worried for Cassandra as the sunset, but she was also glad for the time by the earl's side, even if he was not conscious. She had missed him. The few days they had been apart, she had missed him.
Of course it was for a greater good. Not only did she need to spend some time with her childhood friend, but she also needed time and space away from the earl, so that she could repress her feelings for him. And now she was by his side again, she realized it was incredibly important and incredibly difficult to do. She wanted nothing more than to be by his side. But she knew it would do her no good. He was like a bad habit, impossible to break.
She knew she would have to return soon. To spend some time with Helena before her surgery. But that would mean leaving Lord Stamford. She was not sure that she could handle that. She knew it was the right thing to do. Her friend needed her, Lord Stamford had Cassandra to watch over him, and staying in his company was no good for her. She needed to get away, for her own health.
But she could not bear the idea of leaving him in this condition. Not now that she was by his side. She needed to stay, to watch over him, to make sure that he recovered as he ought to.
Or was that just the voice of her own subconscious, trying to justify her desire to stay by his side?
Kitty awoke suddenly to the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. When had she fallen asleep? Had she slept for long? She felt strangely dazed, as one often did after a poorly timed nap. The sun was still down, the lamps still lit in the corner of the room. Perhaps she had barely just dozed off. She still felt very tired, that was for sure. She would need a long rest to recover from such a busy day. But not now. Later.
Looking around, she realized that the hand on her shoulder belonged to Cassandra. “Sorry, I think I dozed off,” she said.
Cassandra shook her head. “Not at all. You need some rest as much as I do. I overslept during my nap, but now it is your turn to get some rest.”
Cassandra looked much better. Her eyes were brighter, her expression was once again calm and collected, and her whole face seemed at least a decade younger. She had definitely been sick with worry, and she was definitely still upset, but at least now she was better rested, and ready to tackle her challenges head on.
“I feel bad about leaving,” Kitty said softly.
“Then do not leave. There is a room I used when I was staying here which is not too uncomfortable. I shall ask the nurses to prepare it for you,” Cassandra replied.
Kitty felt a wave of warm affection towards Cassandra. “I would like that.”
“And lest I forget, there is a letter for you, I think from your friend,” Cassandra said, handing her an envelope. “It was left at reception but because it was under your name nobody knew who to bring it to.”
Kitty took the letter, immediately recognizing the handwriting. But if the letter was from Helena, then she had to have sent it shortly after Kitty left for London. This was importa
nt. As Cassandra closed the door behind her, Kitty ripped the letter open, hoping that at least it would be good news.
“Dearest Kitty,
Knowing your circumstances, I could not possibly continue to prepare for surgery. You must remain with your earl, and nurse him back to health. It would be an act of pure selfishness to put my own life at risk and demand your presence when the man you love is in such a terrible condition.
So stay with him and fear not. I shall have my surgery when he has recovered and you are ready to travel again. I am sure that he shall pull through, just as I am certain that my own surgery shall be a success. Perhaps then I can meet this wonderful man! I promise I shall not attempt to lure him away from you.
Until then, make sure to rest plenty, and do not fear. Trust in him, that he shall have the strength to recover.
Yours always,
H.R. Keats.”
Kitty smiled as she read the letter. Helena was a true friend, the likes of which was very hard to find. She felt bad for not visiting her more often. But she would. She would make time for her in the future, as much as possible. Because as friends they needed to support one another, and she did not want to waste her time with the people she loved. Not ever again.
“The room will be ready soon,” said Cassandra from the doorway.
Kitty folded the letter. “Thank you very much.”
“I have found your luggage at reception and it is waiting for you in the room, in case you should want a wash and a change of clothes before bed,” she carried on.
Kitty felt much better when Cassandra showed her into the room. It was not luxurious, but it looked comfortable and the bed was so inviting. As soon as she was left alone she drew the latch, slipped into a nightgown, and lay down for a good rest.
Kitty had not expected to sleep well, but she surprised herself. Her mind had been put somewhat at ease regarding both the earl and Helena, and she was so very, very tired from all she had been doing the past week. She slept solidly until morning came and light beamed in through the slightly open curtains. Her legs were a little stiff from the unusual bed, but as she stood at the provided wash basin she felt them relaxing ready for the day.