“I’ve missed you.” The words came out before Jonathan could stop them. He glanced sideways at her capable figure clenching the helm with gloved hands. Somehow he and Olivia had landed side-by-side piloting a boat. “My feelings haven’t changed all this time.” He wanted to snatch the glove off his hand and caress Olivia’s face and lose his fingers in her hair.
“I know.”
Her look made Jonathan want to forget all about lobsters in traps beneath the frigid waters. He groaned as he headed toward the back of the boat. Today would be torturous, but he would survive.
*
Two more pots, and they’d be done for the day. Olivia shivered, hoping Jonathan hadn’t noticed. When she got home, she’d reheat some lasagna and make them both some hot chocolate. He still cared. She knew that much, although being close to him every day for an entire week drove her crazy.
She’d been enjoying her trips out on her dad’s boat, though it bore the nickname her father had given to Belinda. Since Belinda’s return from Boston on Tuesday, they hadn’t really conversed with each other. One week until Thanksgiving, when they were expected to portray a happy family.
Her cheeks burned from the cold, and from the recollection of her struggle to deal with Belinda, coupled with the memory of Jeremy’s Sunday school lesson. They’d moved on to Ephesians 4, discussing relationships with family and friends. So far Olivia knew she’d struck out on many counts.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger…be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you, repeated the verses in her mind. I’ve been so wrong, Lord. Please forgive me. I’ll do better from now on. She needed to ask Belinda’s forgiveness, as well. Her mother was trying. Humility was a tough road to walk.
Olivia held the boat steady and looked over her shoulder. Jonathan’s massive arms hauled the rope onto the deck until up came the steel pot full of lobsters. It crashed onto the deck, and Jonathan skillfully measured each lobster before tossing it into the hold or over the side. He looked up at her. She’d been staring, and her stomach turned over on itself with the knowledge that he’d caught her.
“Give me a hand here.” One corner of his mouth quirked up in a half grin.
She heard and obeyed, not caring that he’d called her to help him with a pot he could handle himself.
Olivia’s boots slipped on the wet deck, and she skidded into the circle of Jonathan’s arms. Heat radiated from his body, the warmth spreading to her despite the bright orange waders she wore.
“I need to grab the helm,” she sputtered. “The boat’s drifting.”
“That doesn’t matter right now.” At his husky tones, Olivia’s knees threatened to give way. Robby had never caused such a stirring inside her.
Olivia wanted to wriggle out of his embrace; Jonathan’s eyes, brown and fathomless, held her still. Her fear had kept them apart. And she wouldn’t open the door to love him without fear. Nor would she tempt herself with the promise of a future with Jonathan. Her fear would hold him captive, and she couldn’t ask him to leave the life he loved. Jonathan deserved a better woman.
Too late. She tumbled into the fire that crackled from his expression. His lips lowered to hers and everything, the rocking boat, the lobsters in the hold, the lobster pot and its marker waiting to be tossed into the sea, lost its importance. The firmness and controlled passion of his kiss ignited her response. It didn’t matter that his face had a day’s worth of stubble, or that their waders squeaked in protest at the friction between them.
Jonathan was letting her return his kiss, and Olivia knew it. She pulled back enough to touch his jaw with a trembling hand. “You—you said you’d shave before you kissed me.”
“It’s a long time since summer. Guess I forgot.” Then he kissed her again, as though reluctant to scratch her tingling cheeks.
Jonathan left her breathless. The cold air hit her face and lips. She shivered, and his embrace tightened.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“And I love you.” Pent-up tears released, blazing a hot trail on her cheeks. Olivia put her face on his chest; his gloved hand rubbed her head.
He forced her back to look at him. “Baby, you’re all the woman I’ll ever need. I’ve wanted to tell you that for years, since the Three Musketeers ran around together; there’s never been anyone else.”
Olivia studied his expression. How long had he loved her? Even when she had fallen in love with Robby? “That long? Why did you wait for me?”
“There was a time I’d resigned myself to the fact I’d lost you forever, when I saw you and Robby together.” His grip loosened around her. “And then after we lost him, I’d hoped that one day…” He looked over her shoulder as if studying the steel lobster pot behind her.
“You need someone who’s not afraid of your job, someone who won’t hinder you.” She set her jaw. “I can’t promise you I can learn to conquer this fear. I’ve tried.”
Another spark ignited in his eyes. “That doesn’t matter to me. I love you, just the way you are now. We can take it one step at a time.” He peeled off a glove and ran a warm hand down her wet cheek. “If we love each other and trust the Lord, nothing’s impossible.”
Olivia stepped around him and headed for the helm. She wouldn’t look at him. She’d been foolish to think she could work this closely with Jonathan and not be affected by him. If she said anything more, she could make things worse. No need to open her mouth. Olivia swallowed hard and let the wind dry her cheeks.
Jonathan’s steps clomped back to the wire pot. Then came a splash. They’d be done soon but not quickly enough for her liking. His steps approached her again.
“You know what, Liv? I can get one of the guys from the crew to help me. Jeff could use the money. You and I won’t have to see each other like this every day.”
Olivia nodded. It would be better that way. Her aching heart told her she’d just lost another man to the sea.
Chapter 18
Jonathan placed the maple wood baby cradle in front of Todd and Maggie’s fireplace, then topped it with a gigantic pink satin bow. He had stayed up late, sanding and finishing his masterpiece, rather than lying awake thinking of Olivia. “You think Maggie will like it?”
“Definitely.” Todd nodded. “Hey, do you want to stick around? We’ve got tons of food, and there are leftovers from Thanksgiving. Besides, with all these women coming for the baby shower, I’m sorely outnumbered.”
“You got a deal, man. I can handle it.” Jonathan belied the apprehension in his gut by giving Todd a grin.
Olivia would be coming to the baby shower. He hadn’t seen her since the day he’d kissed her on her father’s boat. How many times had he woken up in the night wishing for a repeat kiss?
The hardheaded woman had to be fooling herself. He’d felt the response to his kiss and knew she held as deep a passion as he did. Yet passion and companionship weren’t enough to cement a relationship together. Jonathan wanted mutual faith and trust, in each other and God.
Jonathan followed Todd to the kitchen, where Maggie was on her hands and knees, reaching into the back of a cabinet for something.
“Maggie! What do you think you’re doing?” Todd bellowed and ran for the cabinet.
“I’m getting a tray for the crackers,” came her muffled reply. “And don’t scare me like that. I nearly bashed my head on the cabinet.”
“Honey—” he reached for her waist “—you should have asked me for help. Or your mother. Where is she, by the way?”
“Upstairs, wrapping my gifts, she said.” Maggie emerged, red-faced and blowing dust from a metal tray. “You know, nothing like the last minute and all. Hey, Jon! You here for the food? My mother has been cooking and preparing in overdrive for this spread she’s laid out here.”
“You bet.” He poured a cup of coffee into a pink paper cup. “If you think you’ll need help eating it, I’m your man.” His stomach growled as he surveyed the trays of cold cuts, cheeses, potato chips and cu
t vegetables, and thought of his nearly empty refrigerator. “So how are you doing?”
“Other than feeling as big and round as that Santa at the mall, extremely fidgety because nobody will let me do anything, I’m fine.” Maggie practically glowed.
Jonathan imagined Olivia would look even more beautiful if she were pregnant someday. Deep down, he still harbored a hope that she might return his love and not let fear give her such torment.
He and Todd made sandwiches and retreated to Todd and Maggie’s combination exercise room and office. Why was he torturing himself for a chance to see Olivia?
They settled onto a pair of office chairs in front of Todd’s computer screen.
“See?” Todd brought up a program. “I have all the charter accounts on file. Come tax season, all I have to do is give a printout to my accountant and let her do the rest.”
“Of course, you don’t have much business this time of year.”
Todd shook his head. “No, not really. I’m thinking of opening a machine shop, to fix boat engines for small craft. Speaking of engines, what’s up with your boat?”
Jonathan didn’t want to think about it. “Working for Sam, I’ve gotten an advance to help me with the engine. It should arrive any day now. The guys and I are going to make one more trip out.” He dreaded the words to come. “My note is late at the bank.”
“Jon, why didn’t you say something, man? I could’ve chipped in to help.”
“You’ve got a baby on the way, it’s slow work for everybody this time of year. Nobody can spare the extra money.” If Todd wasn’t such a good friend, Jonathan couldn’t bear the humiliation of being in dire financial straits.
“That’s what we’re here for.” Todd punched his arm. “If you have a need, if I have a need, we should help each other. But I don’t know if you don’t tell me.”
“I appreciate it. But we’re leaving Monday. The men need the money, I’ve got bills to pay and the forecast looks good right now.” Jonathan tried to appear confident. “Just pray we have a good trip, is all I ask.”
The office door flew open. A woman from church poked her head in. “Hey, the ladies want to meet the carpenter.”
“No, that’s okay…” Jonathan began.
Todd gave him a shove. “Your public awaits.”
Jonathan glared at his friend. “Oh, thanks. Just what I need.” At least if he saw Olivia in the group, they wouldn’t have any confrontations or words. He wanted to see her, and hoped she’d see the love in his eyes.
*
Olivia’s heart thudded like a jackhammer when Jonathan entered the room. The women’s applause drowned out the pounding in her ears. She felt Belinda squeeze one of her hands that rested on her lap.
“Are you all right?” Belinda whispered.
“Yes…” She watched as Jonathan answered questions and received some good-natured ribbing from Maggie.
“That man loves you. It’s radiating all the way across the room.”
“I know he does, but it’s not enough.” Olivia bit into a carrot stick, hating the sound of her own words.
“We’ll talk about this on the way home, okay?”
Olivia nodded. Somehow, she’d get through the rest of the baby shower. Then her eyes locked with Jonathan’s, and a wave of love washed over her.
Lord, I don’t deserve him. I am cowardly and weak.
The remainder of the night was a blur. The painting reproduction she’d bought for the nursery made almost as big a hit as Jonathan’s cradle did. One thing was for sure, Jonathan showed his love for his friends, another quality that made him hard to forget.
“We’ll hang the picture right over the crib in the nursery.” Maggie gave Olivia a hug with tears in her eyes, then whispered in her ear, “Two beautiful gifts from our two best friends.”
Olivia and Belinda left after making sure Maggie didn’t try to do the dishes herself. Once inside Belinda’s sleek sedan, Olivia closed her eyes and leaned back on the leather seat.
“Maggie looked radiant tonight,” Belinda observed. “I’m glad the last part of her pregnancy has gone so well. Just over two weeks now, is it, until her due date?”
“That’s right.” Olivia faced the window.
“I was glad to see Jonathan, too. Because Isadore is over the flu, your father has more help than he can handle with the lobsters. I’m forbidding him to go out until spring, though.” Belinda gave a tiny laugh.
“Are you afraid?” She glanced at her mother.
“Mmm…sometimes, but not about your dad. I’ve had to realize that Sam’s Heavenly Father loves him so much more than I ever could. And I lo…” Her mother fell silent.
“You love him?”
Belinda nodded, the lights from an oncoming car revealing unshed tears. “Yes, I do. Very much. I wasted so many years running, so much time I could have had with both of you.” She fell silent, and Olivia let the silence hang between them for a few minutes. Her own throat caught. But they couldn’t rewind time. There were no do-overs.
Belinda sucked in a deep breath before continuing. “But I know that God is in control of what happens to Sam. No matter what I do. If He loves Sam, He’ll do what’s best for him. So I keep reminding myself of that fact. I kind of tend to take over and try to run things when it’s not my responsibility.”
Olivia grinned in the dark. How many times had she barged in and called the shots? Maybe she was more like her mother than she’d realized.
“So you’re not trying to keep Dad off his boat because you’re afraid, then?”
“No, it’s for his health. He tends to be rather hardheaded.”
“I’ve noticed that.” Olivia found a laugh coming out, which turned into a groan. “Between your take-charge attitude and Dad’s hardheadedness, I’m all set.”
“Aw, c’mon. It’s not that bad. I’m one of the top commercial real estate agents in the Boston area, thanks to the gift God’s given me. The negative aspects of our personalities can be used for good things, you know, once we let God have control of our lives.” Belinda turned the car into the driveway. “Listen to me, I’m getting preachy. Sorry. It’s not my place.”
“That’s all right. I’m glad you came tonight. The other ladies seemed happy to see you.” Olivia remembered what it had felt like that summer, trying to reenter a life she’d left behind. Only she hadn’t been gone for decades. Compassion for Belinda surged through her. A mere flicker of anger at her mother’s abandonment sputtered, then died.
Was it progress? Was she learning to love her mother and forgive her? Olivia hoped so.
*
Sleep refused to come that night. Jonathan lay awake instead, watching the lights of the harbor outside his apartment window.
What if by some chance, Olivia changed her mind and allowed herself to love him? What could he give her? He tossed the covers off and padded on the chilly hardwood floor to get a cup of instant coffee.
If things didn’t improve, he’d end up losing both the apartment and the boat. At least the Jeep was paid for. Jonathan smirked as he put a cup of water in the microwave. Olivia hadn’t been brought up with wealth, but what she did have was better than this.
“Lord, I’m looking at this all wrong, I know. You’ve provided for me all along in spite of myself. If, or I should say, when Olivia agrees to be my wife, You’ll continue caring for us. And wherever we live, she’ll bring her sweet touches with her.” He continued his conversation with God until the coffee was ready.
Christmas was coming, and he had nothing to give Olivia. Maybe, just maybe, if this voyage was successful, he could pay a few bills current and buy her a ring.
Olivia wore a size six band. He’d measured one of her rings that she’d left on top of the shelf above her kitchen sink. The jeweler had assured him a ruby and diamond ring would be lovely for an engagement ring. Not the usual ring; but then Olivia wasn’t a usual woman.
So much hinged on this upcoming fishing trip and on Olivia’s change of heart. Jonathan shook
his head and took his coffee outside onto the small porch. The air bit into him. Snow. He felt the dampness, though the sky was clear with thousands of stars twinkling above. They were due their first snowstorm of the year. He prayed the clear weather would hold.
*
“Frances, I’m wondering if the apartment above your shop is still empty.” Olivia was sitting across from Frances at the Sea Dawg. The woman had accepted her invitation to lunch on Monday.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. The last applicants backed out after they saw the tiny bathroom.” Frances’s new honey-colored hair made her appear years younger.
“Well, I’m interested. I could stop by the store for an application.”
Frances smiled. “Nonsense. Forget an application. I’ll even waive the security deposit. You were almost family once. That still counts to me.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s crowded at home with two women, isn’t it?” Frances took a bite of her seafood salad.
“Yeah. I’m thinking my parents need their space, and my original reason for coming home doesn’t exist anymore. Dad doesn’t need me to help him. He’s got—” Olivia realized the word “Mom” nearly sprang from her lips as naturally as if she’d called Belinda Mom her whole life.
Frances nodded. “I know. It’s time to let go. Like I should have been ready to let Robby go when he decided to marry you….” She frowned, the wrinkles deepening on her face.
“It’s okay.” Olivia squeezed Frances’s hand. “You can visit me for coffee anytime you like.”
They chatted about the apartment for a while longer, then Olivia decided to spend the afternoon Christmas shopping. She and Frances parted, promising to meet again to discuss her move-in date.
Christmas would be slim this year, but Olivia didn’t mind. It was the first Christmas she’d be with her family. Her real family. Jonathan, she’d heard, was flying to Florida to see his parents. Maggie and Todd would be busy with their very special gift by then.
Belinda would appreciate some handcrafted jewelry. Olivia stopped by Frances’s shop and went to the display where Genevieve, a lady from church, sold some elegant pieces from estates as well as jewelry crafted by local artisans. She found a necklace and earring set that would match one of her mother’s suits.
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