The Forever List

by Lena Fox

  But I planned to turn us into something more. We’d never really dated, and her childhood list was the perfect way to take her on perfect dates. To really get to know each other. To make happy, forever memories.

  We would complete this list together, and maybe she would change her mind. Maybe she would let go of the insecurities or whatever was stopping her from letting me in.

  If it turned out that after this we just became friends, I’d be okay with that too. I just needed her in my life, one way or another. She made me better.

  Still, I wanted her. Badly. Real badly. She clung to me on the back of her bike, her thighs pressed around me as we flew along rolling roads, and I could have stopped the bike and thrown her over the seat and had my way with her then and there.

  I had sent Georgina on her way for the next thing on the list. I offered to go with her, but after I explained what it was, she said she wanted help from some other friends. And I had my own work to do, preparing for tonight.

  I was more nervous about this one than the dance in the cafeteria. Not only what I had to actually do, but with the nature of this item, it was going to be really hard keeping things platonic.

  Chapter Eight

  GEORGINA

  When Blake told me the next item on my list, something I had to agree to do before he would reveal it, I almost took back my agreement and stormed off to never be part of this again.

  I hadn’t cut my hair since it started growing back after chemo. It was halfway down my back now, and not in the best condition, but I was fiercely protective of every strand.

  Then I heard that voice whisper inside me, somehow younger than before. The List Georgina is brave Georgina.

  This was something I had wanted when I was younger, and even now, part of me wondered what if? Could I be this daring?

  Maybe I could. Maybe I did want this.

  But I needed support.

  I was browsing through images of different haircut styles online when I heard a rapping on the front window. Kaley’s smiling face peered through, waving to me where I sat on the couch.

  “Hey, girl.” She gave me a quick hug when I opened the door for her. Priya followed her in, carrying a medium-sized make-up bag.

  “Thanks for coming, and for doing this for me, with me, you know,” I mumbled and winced, suddenly awkward having them in my home. They were so nice, and seemed to be happy to adopt me as a new friend, but I was still struggling to dive into that relationship as freely as they’d seemed to.

  “No problem,” Priya said. She flicked the ends of her black hair, which hung in a perfectly blunt-angled cut. “I’ve been wanting to change up my look too. Maybe you’ll give me some ideas.”

  Both Priya and Kaley had hair that always looked like it had just been done by a hairdresser. They’d seemed like the perfect choice to help me with this mission. I’d sent Kaley a message asking if they wanted to come to the hairdressers with me to help me choose what I’d get done, and they’d revealed that they cut each other’s hair, and were happy to do mine too.

  “Pretty flowers.” Priya brushed her fingers over the roses, inspecting them. “From your flash dance boy?”

  “I don’t really know. They came without a card.”

  “I bet it was him. Public serenades, anonymous flowers? You’re living the dream,” Kaley gushed.

  I just shrugged, and blushed. Priya put her bag down on the coffee table near the roses and started pulling out scissors, combs, and a spray bottle which she went and filled at the kitchen sink.

  “What are you thinking of getting done?” Priya asked.

  I took a deep breath.

  “Pixie cut.” My heart had been pounding ever since Blake had said those words. I almost laughed at how this made me more nervous than some of the things on my sexy bucket list.

  “Wow. Big change.” Priya squinted at me, assessing my face and hair.

  Kaley gasped audibly. “Oh, oh, I can see it already. Look at her—she’s going to be so fregging hot with a pixie cut. I mean, those lips.”

  Fregging. That was something Julie used to say, something from one of her sci-fi shows she fangirled over.

  I tried not to think of her. Tried to fight the feeling that I was somehow replacing her.

  I knew that wasn’t really what was happening. I was allowed to make new friends. But it still hurt. I still felt like I was making a mistake letting anyone into the tragedy of my life.

  I forced my derailing train of thought back to the task at hand. I reached for my laptop to show the twins some of the styles I liked the look of, but Kaley waved it away. She was drawing lines around my face with her fingers, talking about sweeping bangs, cheekbone composition, and making my lips pop. Priya nodded along, then shook her head, then nodded again when Kaley rebutted with, “But look at that chin line.”

  “I, um—” I tried to interject.

  “Don’t worry. We got this.”

  “I just …” I didn’t know just what. I hadn’t decided on the cut I wanted. When browsing online I saw half a dozen styles that looked nice on the models who wore them, but I had no idea if they would look good on me, and while they were all ‘pixie cuts’ they varied wildly in style. I couldn’t choose. This was all feeling very sudden, and maybe having someone choose for me was the best option. The twins seemed to know what they were talking about, and based on their own hair, I trusted their tastes and skill. But I was still terrified.

  “Okay. I’m putting my hair’s life in your hands,” I said.

  Priya put a hand over her heart. “We’re honored. Now, let’s cut these locks.”

  A stool from the kitchen was brought into the room, and I sat there, taking deep breaths.

  Snnnnnip.

  I winced and squealed.

  The first few chops cut a ragged line across the nape of my neck, and just like that, the bulk of my hair was gone.

  I took in a lungful of air and slowly blew it out before reaching a hand back to feel. It’s gone. My hair is gone. I looked down at the pool of black beneath me on the floorboards. That’s my hair on the ground. There was so much of it. Adrenaline shook my fingers. There was no taking this back, no do-overs. We had to keep going now. Mom, I hope this turns out okay.

  “Hold still now.” Priya did most of the cutting, under Kaley’s guidance. I had no idea what was happening or what I looked like. There were no mirrors in sight. Hair was combed down over my face this side and then that. Mist from the spray bottle cooled my neck and cheeks, and sharp little snippets of cut hair prickled through my shirt. The giant stuffed unicorn watched everything from its spot in the corner.

  Kaley plugged in a hairdryer and took over. Dark strands gusted around my face, so light and short. My whole head felt wobbly, both from the nerves and the weight that had been removed from it.

  “Almost done,” Priya said.

  Kaley put the hair-dryer down and stood in front of me with a huge smile, bouncing on the spot. “I can’t wait for you to see this. Where’s your bathroom?”

  “Just down the hall past Julie’s … past the empty room.”

  Kaley frowned, and nodded, and headed that way.

  Priya came around to my front, tugging at the strands of hair around my face, checking their lengths and preening the shape. “We heard about Julie,” she said, tilting her head toward the empty room. “I know someone who was in a class with her. I’m really sorry.”

  I looked down at the lifeless hair on the floor. “Me too.”

  Kaley bounced back into the room, carrying a large square mirror.

  I laughed as she came around in front of me. “You took my bathroom mirror off the wa—WOW.”

  The first sight of my new look left me stunned. My hair was so short, shorter than I thought I’d ever dare cut it, but layered with long, sweeping locks that fell just right around my face. I looked sexy, and strong, like the kind of girl who could brave anything.

  “It’s … it looks ama—” I burst into tears.

  “She d
oesn’t like it,” Priya and Kaley said to each other at the same time.

  “No, I love it. It’s awesome. I just … shit. I’m sorry.” I sniffled back the ugly tears and came clean. “I haven’t had my hair cut at all since I was fifteen, since I had cancer.”

  Kaley’s grip on the mirror slipped, but Priya caught it and set it down on the floor.

  “This is the kind of thing you might tell someone before letting them do an already high-pressure style change on you,” Priya said softly.

  “Sorry. I really do love it. Thank you for doing this for me.” I wiped at my eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop. I wasn’t even sure anymore if they were sad tears or happy tears, or tears of pure relief, or tears of utter desolation. “I’ve just been going through a lot lately.”

  Kaley gave me a brief hug. “Losing a friend, getting a cancer test—sheezuz, girl, crying is totally the okay reaction.”

  Priya kneeled in front of me, and asked almost in a whisper, “Have you had your results yet?”

  I shook my head.

  “Shit,” she said.

  “Double shit,” said Kaley. “Well, a change is probably a good thing, right? I get why you’d want a change right now. And you really do look so fregging hot. Like wow. Like whatchoo-doin’-tonight-can-I-have-your-babies hot.” She winked and shimmied her bust at me.

  I snorted a laugh, and the tears slowed.

  Priya and Kaley helped clean up, and we all stood around the trashcan for a minute of silence together before letting my cut hair slide off the dustpan and into the rubbish. I made coffee, and they stayed, chatting in the kitchen while I had a shower—carefully keeping my blow-dry unsplashed. When I stepped out, clean and fresh, I felt like a new person.

  With something else ticked off my unknown list, I felt braver, and better. I still wondered what else was on it, and what would be next. I wondered if Dad knew, and how much he’d been involved in Blake getting that list. The only reason I hadn’t spoken to Dad about it was because I was avoiding seeing him at all. It was too hard after lying to him about my tests, and still having no results to share with him.

  Kaley and Priya were leaned in close together over the counter, whispering almost conspiratorially when I returned to the kitchen.

  Kaley nodded approvingly at my hair again. “We done good, sis.”

  Priya gave her a high five.

  I had to agree. “Can I pay you for this? I would’ve been paying a hairdresser anyway.”

  “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

  My phone buzzed with a message.

  Blake: Ready for the next item on your list? Better be, cos thunderbirds are go tonight! Can’t wait to see the new you, as much as I liked the old you.

  I frowned in confusion at the rest of the message, offering the time, location, and the final instruction to dress ‘in as little clothing as possible, in sympathy.’

  Me: We’re clubbing?

  Blake: Not quite. Don’t stress. It will be fun. For you at least.

  Me: Is this something I can bring friends to?

  Blake: It’s a public venue.

  Me: Should I bring friends?

  Blake: Only if you feel like punishing me.

  My mouth slipped into a mischievous side grin. A little payback for him holding my list hostage sounded good. I turned back to the twins.

  “Maybe I can pay you back by taking you out tonight. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen, but I’m sure it’s going to be fun.”

  Chapter Nine

  GEORGINA

  Priya and Kaley went home to get ready and said they’d meet me there.

  I picked out the tiny tight minidress I’d worn the first night I met Blake. It was the smallest piece of clothing I owned, while still being considered outerwear.

  When I put it on and checked myself out in the rehung bathroom mirror, I looked nothing like the girl who wore that dress the first time. She’d been so nervous, dressing up and playing a part. With my new haircut, and tattoo peeking out where my shoulders were bare, I didn’t just look the part—I felt it. Maybe this new Georgina could move forward in life, and leave tragedy behind. Maybe her results would come in as benign and she would never have to face cancer the way the old Georgina had.

  Maybe I couldn’t leave tragedy behind. Maybe no one could. But maybe I could be strong enough to face it.

  Do you think that could be me, Mom? Could I be that person?

  The club Blake had sent me to was out in the funkiest section of town, near the sex store where we had been that one time. I walked hesitantly along the filthy pavement up to the entrance, triple-checking the address was right. I could hear doofy music playing within, and colored lights flashed out through the dark entryway guarded by a tired bouncer who gave me a too-old-for-this-shit look. Not many people were going in, but the women who did weren’t in the age range to be carded anyway.

  Kaley popped up beside me. She wore a hot pink dress that seemed to be more straps than coverage, her long hair in thick, perfect curls falling all around her. Priya arrived behind her looking as different as a twin could, with her hair straight and precise, and wearing designer ripped jeans, and an 80s-style mesh-and-neon-shirt combo.

  Priya tilted her head at the venue. “This what we’re doing? A strip club?”

  “Is that what this is?” I studied the front of the building again and spotted a small chalkboard near the door that said, ‘Ladies night.’

  “You didn’t know?”

  “No. This is kind of a thing. I’m doing this thing where there’s a list, and … look, I’ll catch you up later.”

  Priya shrugged. “Looks like fun.”

  Kaley had the look of a toddler at Christmas and ran straight inside. Her squeals trailed behind her. “This will be epiiiiic!”

  None of us were carded as we passed the bouncer. He barely glanced up from the e-reader in his hands.

  Inside, the place smelled like old beer, and most of the surfaces felt like it too. The lights were dim but not dim enough to hide the fact that this bar had needed a renovation about three decades ago. It was two-thirds empty, so it wasn’t hard for us to grab a table right up close to the stage. The stage was lit up by garish purple and pink lights, lined with feather boas, and featured a short catwalk and a few poles. I wasn’t sure ‘near the stage’ was where I wanted to be.

  Around the bar were middle-aged women who had perfected the cougar look. They were drinking and shouting boisterously, catcalling at the empty stage. While Priya and Kaley went to order drinks, I grabbed my phone.

  Me: Where are you, and what am I doing here? Did I have ‘make a drug deal’ on my list?

  Blake: All will be revealed soon. Literally.

  Okay, so he’s sent me here to watch a strip show.

  It made some sense. I’d been fourteen when the Magic Mark movie came out. My best friend at the time, Christy, and I had desperately wanted to see it because everyone had raved about the sexy stripping scenes. She snuck a copy from someone else at school against her parents’ wishes. Because, as she’d said, life was short. We’d watched the movie together at a sleepover, hiding under a blanket, giggling and gushing through the whole thing. I’d had a huge crush on Magic Mark for a long time after that. I could easily have put something to do with that on my list.

  That was right before I was diagnosed. When I went through treatment, Christy wasn’t my best friend anymore. She just moved on. There were no fights or dramas; she just faded out of my life. Teenage years are hard enough without trying to stay friends with someone with cancer. Christy was just a kid. I didn’t blame her. But sometimes I still did miss her.

  The twins returned with beers, and I tried to explain to them why we were here, and the childhood bucket list Blake was intent on having me complete despite me not knowing what was on it. It was difficult to tell the whole story, or enough of it to make sense without completely humiliating myself or crying. I think they had the gist of it when we were thankfully interrupted.


  A man stepped up on the stage. He looked like he could have been a movie star, twenty years earlier. His voice was almost lost as the women around the room whistled and hollered at his appearance.

  “Hello ladies! Are we ready to paaaaaaaaarttaaayy?”

  Excited screaming came from all around me, especially from Kaley who was up on her feet whooping with her arms in the air. The MC laughed, lifted his suit jacket at the back, and shook his sculpted ass at us. “I bet you want to see something a little sexier than me up here. This is way too much clothing, am I right?”

  Assent at high decibels made my ears ring.

  “Let’s get this party started then with your favorite hunka-hunka burning love—Dirk Daring!”

  I sat there, dumbstruck, as a man with a body that looked like he’d worked out six hours a day since the age of two spun out onto the stage, his muscles gleaming with oil. The leather chaps he wore framed his ass cheeks. They wriggled and flexed, and as he tore his shirt off, his pecs bounced up and down. He wore a brown fedora and carried a long bullwhip. When he let the whip loose with a loud crack, women up and down the stage screamed and tossed handfuls of dollar bills at him.

  He pranced around the stage, sticking his ass up high in the air, bending over, and then getting down on the stage to hump the floor. I tried not to stare, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the man. As much as I wanted to pretend I was proper and sophisticated and not part of the caterwauling masses, I was getting turned on.

  But where the heck was Blake? Was he too chicken to come along to this with me?

  All around me, women were yelling.

  “Take it off!”

  “Yeah, work it, work it!”

  Kaley joined in with, “Bring some of that beefcake my way!”

  Dirk Daring jumped off the stage. He stripped down to just a bright red thong, and he started waving his crotch in women’s faces. They stuffed money into his thong or held notes in their mouths for him to take with his own.

  Then it was my turn for the ‘up close and personal’ show. I was giggling like a schoolgirl but managed to drag out a bill and slip it in the string around the man’s hips. I didn’t even see how much I gave him.