by Kim Loraine
“Oh fuck, baby. Your mouth—” he starts, but when I begin to hum low in my throat, his words are cut off by a groan.
His hands cup the back of my head as he begins thrusting slowly while I take him deeper. My eyes water from fighting the tap of his dick against the back of my throat, but I keep going, needing him to spend himself in my mouth. His length stiffens even further, the pulsing throb against my tongue letting me know he’s close. He moves to pull out, but I dig my nails into his ass and suck harder.
“Selah, I can’t… I’ll come if you don’t stop.”
As I continue to slide over his length with my lips, my hand drifts between his legs to cup his heavy balls. They’re tight and ready, and seconds after I start stroking them, he cries out and my mouth is flooded with his release.
Pulling out, he drops to his knees and cradles me against his chest. His heart pounds hard enough for me to feel the rhythm against my own rib cage.
“Sariel…I need to tell you something.”
He doesn’t release me from his hold; instead, he drops his chin into the crook of my neck.
“I remember,” I say.
That gets him to pull back and stare into my eyes. “What?”
“Every minute of our past. I remember it all. I remember how I love you, that I want a life with you, damn the consequences.”
“You…remember?” There’s awe in his expression, and relief.
“Everything.” I grab his hand and run it down my body, resting his palm over my belly. “And—”
“It’s mine,” he states, surprising me.
“How did you know?”
“The witches. I thought it wasn’t possible, but my grace was restored every time I used my power.”
His dark expression makes my heart sink. “Why don’t you seem happy about this?”
“It’s not that. I just…I can’t stay. No matter how much I want to.” He gets to his feet and turns away, head bowed.
“What? Why? We shut down Lucifer, stopped the fallen. Why can’t you be happy?”
My eyes go wide as light surrounds him and bright white wings with silver tipped feathers burst from his back where his tattoo used to be. He’s not mine anymore. Sariel isn’t even a fallen angel anymore. “You’re…beautiful.”
Standing, I reach out and run my fingers over the thick feathers. He shudders and sighs, as I trace them.
“They’re sensitive?” I ask.
“Yes. I haven’t had them for thousands of years. It’s…strange.”
I slide over the crest at the top of one wing, the muscle and bone heavy and powerful. His breaths come in harsh gasps as I explore his new wings.
“Why can’t you stay, Sariel?”
He stiffens and retracts the beautiful wings before turning around. They disappear as though they never existed. “I’m going back. Home. I can’t risk you paying the price for my selfishness again.”
“But…you’re fallen.”
He shakes his head. “I won’t be tomorrow. My brothers are coming for me in exchange for your safety. I’ll never be an archangel again, but I’ll return to my Father’s service.”
My heart turns to ice. “What will you do?”
Shrugging, he pulls his shirt over his head and covers all that glorious skin. “Watch. But, Selah, I’ll never be far from you. I’ll always watch over you and our child. I just…won’t be able to do it in the way I’d most like to.”
I know there’s nothing I can say to change our circumstance. He’s made up his mind, taken a deal for me. Pulling him close, I press a kiss over his heart, and hold on for dear life.
His name falls from my lips, a soft murmur into his chest, and he holds me tighter as I begin to speak. “If this is my last night with you, leave me with more than this. Make love to me. Let me spend the night in your arms. Love me like we’ve got forever.”
My heart hurts. It aches as though half of it has been removed. It’s been two weeks since Sariel left. If I can’t take fourteen days without him, how am I going to survive a lifetime? Every night, whether I want to or not, I relive moments of our past and present. The first time we met under the cover of the pistachio tree dovetails to our encounter under the trees at Green Lake. The night we were married. The first time he kissed me. I’d give anything to feel him near me now.
Rosie nudges me with her elbow as we walk side by side along the very path I’d seen Sariel’s shirtless form from the first time we’d spoken. “I think you need to tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
Where do I even start? I’m pregnant with the child of a fallen angel who isn’t fallen anymore. He’s my soul mate, but he left me to keep me alive.
“Nothing.”
“That’s a bunch of crap,” she says. “You’re heartbroken. I know that look. I’ve worn it more than once.”
“He’s not coming back, Rosie. He’s gone. I’m going to have to do this all alone.”
“Do what?”
It’s then I realize I never told her about the baby. With everything that had happened, how could I tell her?
“I’m pregnant,” I say simply. I wait for her wince, or a gasp, but neither comes.
“Congratulations?” It comes out a question, as though she’s putting out feelers to see what the correct response is.
I nod and smile. “Thanks.”
“Adam?”
His name sends a wave of disgust mixed with guilt rolling through me. What happened to Adam wasn’t his fault. It was mine.
“No.”
She cocks an eyebrow. “Hottie with the angel’s face and those sexy eyes?”
The reference to Sariel looking like an angel brings a smile to my lips. If she only knew.
“Yes. His name is Sariel.”
“And the asshole left you? He knocked you up and left? Clearly, he doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
I shake my head, not wanting her to think badly of him. “No, you don’t understand. He didn’t want to go. It wasn’t his choice.” Technically, that’s not true. He did choose to leave me.
Her eyes go wide. “You mean…shit, he’s not in prison, is he?”
I almost laugh out loud. “No. Nothing like that. He was…called…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish this.
“Holy shit, he’s a priest?” Her face is all scandal and amusement. “You fucked a priest, and he knocked you up. That’s amazing.”
I stay silent. I don’t know what else to tell her. Sure, he’s a man of God…kind of.
“Does he know you’re pregnant? Is it a secret baby?” She grabs my hands. “Oh, honey, don’t worry. I’ll be here for you. You don’t need him, and you won’t have to do this alone.”
I let her pull me in for a hug. I’m going to need help, and she’s my closest friend. What’s the harm in letting her think there’s some scandal here?
“Thanks, Rosie.”
“So, how far along are you? Have you been to the doctor yet? Remember, I’ve done this before—twice.”
Her questions are overwhelming. I barely survived locking Lucifer in a cage and losing my soul mate. “I’ve been…busy. I haven’t gotten around to that.”
“What about a job? Since you left the club for greener pastures, I’m assuming you found something else?”
“He, uh, he left me taken care of.”
“A rich, hot priest with a body like a Michelangelo statue. What a damn waste.”
Jealousy burns in my gut. How would she know what his body looked like? “You’ve never seen his body.”
Laughing, she hisses like a cat and shakes her head.
She hooks her arm with mine as we continue our walk. I feel better, if only a small amount, and for the first time since this all started, there’s hope for the future. As soon as we hit the parking lot, that painful tug at my heart returns. Rosie is right, I can do this without Sariel. I just don’t want to.
Present day
I’ve been gone for five months. Gone in Selah’s eyes, but in truth, I’ve sp
ent every spare moment watching over her. She sleeps in my bed, curled around the pillow I used to rest my head on. Her pregnancy has finally begun to show, and as I stand over the bed, I ache to caress her belly, to feel our child move inside her. But I can’t.
I’ve spent the better part of these months watching for dangers from the fallen who remain scattered across the earth. Waiting for them to make a move is torture. But, they’re well hidden and quiet…for now. I’m sure word will get out that my wings were returned and I wonder how many of them will seek redemption of their own.
Selah sighs and shifts, one hand over her womb as she smiles in her sleep. I tense when my name falls from her lips. She can’t see me. My agreement with the archangels has seen to that. The air next to me shifts, and my shoulders stiffen as Gabriel appears.
“I knew you’d be here. It’s been months, Sariel. It’s time to let her go.”
Shaking my head, I ball my hands into fists. “I made her a promise. I’ll always watch over her.”
Sighing, he crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the wall. “You’re truly unhappy. I don’t understand you.”
“She’s my soul mate. I don’t think I can explain beyond that. My soul has cried out for hers since the first moment I saw her. But Father needs this sacrifice of me, and I’ll gladly give it if that means her safety.”
“That’s not what He needs of you.”
Frustration takes hold in my chest. “Then what the hell does He need? I’m not with her. I’ve been trying to trace each of the fallen who are unaccounted for, but have had no luck so far. What else can I do?”
“We’ve found them.”
My jaw drops. “What?”
“I had to smite most of them, but three remain in search of their own soul mates, and their salvation.”
“And what do I have to do with this?”
He gestures at the woman sleeping in my bed. “You found yours.”
“And I can’t have her.”
“You can.” His words send my stomach tumbling. “For a price.”
Rolling my eyes, I sigh. “There’s always a price.”
“Your wings. Essentially, you’d have to fall again. But this time, He’ll give her to you with no repercussions. You’ll retain your grace, your strength, and essentially, your immortality.”
“Essentially?”
“You won’t die, until you choose to return to us.”
I shake my head. “So I’ll have to watch her age and eventually die?”
He shrugs. “All humans do.”
“Exactly. If I’m going to share a life with her, I want to do it as a mortal man. I want to live life. Make me human, take my wings, take my grace, just give me her.”
Gabriel’s mouth falls open, then closes before his lips turn down in a frown. “I don’t understand you, brother.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Fine, but you’ll have to do one other thing for us.”
I can’t contain my bitter laugh. “And here’s the catch to go with the price.”
“These other fallen will come to you, needing your help. Offer it. Bring them back to the fold. Show them redemption is possible.”
Cocking my head, I frown. “That’s all?”
“It is. Father says you’ve earned your happiness. But, when your time on Earth as a mortal comes to an end, your soul is subject to judgment just as any human’s.”
“Do it.” There’s no question. I’ll do what I need to if it means I can love Selah for our lifetimes.
He nods and closes his eyes. “This will be painful.”
Kneeling, I steel myself for what is to come, remembering far more painful things I’ve endured. Nothing had compared to the pain of seeing her lifeless in my arms all those years ago, not even having my wings torn from my back. I heave a steadying breath, preparing for the burn I know will course through me.
Gabriel’s hand settles on the crown of my head, and a slow vibration begins to build between my shoulder blades. Gritting my teeth against the rising hum through my body, I take in slow, measured draws of air. He murmurs in Enochian, ancient words I haven’t used since before the Flood.
The hum turns to a burning as my wings extend behind me, a feeling of complete peace at being whole again taking hold in my chest. It would be so easy to tell him to stop, to keep my wings, to remain an angel. But then Selah calls my name in her sleep and I know I can’t be without her. Bowing my head, I ball my hands into fists and try to hold in the scream of agony as my beautiful wings are torn from my back, pulling every ounce of my grace along with them. When the pain is too much, my vision blurs, and I lose my grip on consciousness.
When I wake, I’m in a strange bed, one that seems familiar but only vaguely.
“He’s awake.” Devin’s smooth Southern accent floats through the open doorway.
Sitting up, I groan as my muscles protest the movement. Everything hurts, even my eyes. Shit, I think I’m dying. Wouldn’t that be the way this all ends? I become human only to die of a damn cold a day later. The room sways as I stand, but with a few deep breaths, I gather my composure and walk stiffly into the hall.
Devin stands at the top of the stairs, his long hair pulled back, a smile on his face. Looking at him, you’d never know he’d been maimed months ago. Immortality has its perks. “Glad to see you’re back with us. How’s it feel?”
“Like I was hit by a truck,” I grumble.
“You might as well have been. Gabriel brought you here two weeks ago. I was pretty sure you’d never be back on your feet.”
My heart lurches. “Two weeks?”
“You were in and out, and mostly delirious. It would have been funny if we hadn’t been so worried about your angelic ass.”
I shake my head, running my fingers through my tangled hair. “I’m not an angel anymore.” As I descend the stairs, I have to keep a death grip on the bannister and Devin walks next to me, presumably waiting to catch me like I’m a helpless child. “I have to find Selah. She’s been alone all this time. Did you tell her what I’ve done?”
“Relax. No one is out to get her. She’s safe. Galen and Reese have been watching out for her during the day since you arrived here, and I check in every night.” He levels his gaze on me, and his expression turns serious. “As for telling her about your choice? No, no one told her. That’s for you to do.”
“I need to get to her. She thinks I’m gone.”
He claps a hand on my shoulder, and I fight a wince as my nerves tingle in pain at his strength. “Oh, sorry,” he says, removing his palm. “I think you need to get yourself cleaned up and accustomed to humanity before you go after her. Right now, if you went to her like this, she’d mistake you for a wild beast or a homeless man.”
Running my fingers across my jaw, I marvel at the rough beard covering my skin. I’ve never grown stubble, never needed to shave or cut my hair. I existed in a state of stasis, never changing. “Can I use your shower?”
Laughing, he nods. “Willow picked up a toothbrush and razor for you a few nights ago. She thought you’d want it when you woke.”
“She’s a smart woman.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Feeling a little more stable, I walk into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. There’s a plastic toothbrush still in its packaging sitting on the counter next to a tube of toothpaste, bottle of mouthwash, a razor, and a can of shaving cream. I need to remember to thank that little redheaded vampire.
My chest constricts when I finally allow myself to look in the mirror. Hair, once a bright golden color that flowed in waves to my shoulders, now lies lank and dark from weeks of remaining unwashed. My beard isn’t that bad, though. It could use a trim. In fact, I might keep it. It gives my face a rugged look, taking away from the chiseled perfection all angels possess. I’m not an angel anymore. I don’t want to look like one. But then I think of Selah, and the man she fell in love with. I do want to look like him.
After shaving my jaw clean,
brushing my teeth, then washing my hair and body under the hot spray of the shower, I feel better—refreshed. I’m still not one hundred percent, but at this point, I don’t know what that feels like as a human man. Even at my weakest, I was stronger than a mortal.
When I emerge, both Devin and Willow are draped across the couch, watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with grins on their lips.
“You look better,” Devin says over his shoulder. “You smell better too. There’s something to be said for basic hygiene.”
Willow’s green eyes lock on to mine. “I know where she’ll be in the morning.”
That’s all I need. Glancing at the clock, I see there’s only an hour or two until sunrise. Soon, I’ll return to my Selah and make her mine again.
The soft fluttering in my belly makes my heart flip as I wait for my coffee order to be announced. Warm, richly scented air offers a comforting ambience, but at this point, I can’t feel much beyond the love I have for the little being growing inside me. Everything in my life is clouded by the knowledge that Sariel is here but not here. His presence is all around me, but he hovers like a ghost I can’t see.
“Seal-ah?” the barista calls, butchering my name, as usual.
I’ve been coming here for as long as I’ve been in Seattle, and still, they can’t get my name right. I should start spelling it out for them phonetically—Say-lah. It’s really not hard. A stirring of awareness runs through me as I rise and start toward the pickup counter. Turning my head, I search the crowded coffee shop, hope taking root in my chest. I swear to God I can feel Sariel. But, as I scan each face for the one I want most, disappointment douses the flame of optimism. Wishful thinking and hormones. That’s all this is. My hand settles on top of my round belly as I maneuver my way to the counter.
“Boy or girl?” The barista’s question catches me off guard. He hands me my coffee with a smile and waits for my answer.