“I didn’t feel this way about any other woman I’ve been involved with,” he said curtly. “And I haven’t been involved with any other woman from the moment I realized I wanted you, or didn’t you notice?”
“I did notice,” I answered in a small voice. “And I wondered why. But don’t you think you might have felt this way about Missy or Michelle or Fiona or Kelly or whoever else, if any one of them had put up the least little bit of fight?”
“You misunderstand me. I said it began with you seeming like a challenge, but I’m afraid it’s gone way beyond that now.” He dropped his voice again, without coming any closer, and I felt my heart speed up. “You don’t know how aggravating it was to discover I loved you just when James the Good came on the scene. To see how much you had in common and how little you actually shared with me. To have to hear him compliment you and see how differently you took it, when he said things that you probably would have hit me for. And thinking that you let him kiss you—that he was going to be the one who woke you from your sleep. But worst of all was knowing that you admired him, respected him—you always made it clear that you didn’t feel that way about me. I made up my mind that I was going to earn your respect. Maybe if you could respect me, you could love me.”
I thought back over the last few months, things suddenly coming into focus: our Scrabble games; the New Year’s party; his willingness to advocate for Mike; his friendship with Perry; my urge to tell him about Nadina’s pregnancy; his listening ear and offers of help. He was now a trusted friend, one whose judgment and help I sought.
Hesitantly, I laid a hand on his arm. “Daniel, I do respect you now. You’ve been so kind and thoughtful and such a friend to me. And for all James’ goodness, he couldn’t bring himself to stick it out with me after I decided to adopt Nadina’s baby. But here you are willing to let me still live here. I can’t tell you how much that means to me…”
His face flushed with pleasure, and a heartfelt smile spread across it that I had never seen before, only to fade moments later when I trailed off. “But what, Cass? You respect me now, and you care about me, but you can’t marry me?”
“In my defense, most girls do get asked on a first date before they get proposed to,” I protested.
He was not to be sidetracked. “Don’t change the subject. The only point of going on dates would be to figure out if we wanted to get married. I’ve lived with you for nine months, and I think we know each other better by now than most people. Why can’t you marry me?”
Sheesh. This must be why Joanie said Daniel always got what he wanted. He was unstoppable.
“Is it because of James?” he pressed. “You’re not over him yet?”
“Partly,” I replied. Though I wasn’t positive that ten more minutes of kissing Daniel wouldn’t drive James entirely from my mind.
“Then why?”
Reluctantly I said, “Daniel, when you first met me, I was in kind of a bad place in my faith. I was mad at God and not sure what to do with my life or even if I shouldn’t throw God out with the trash. And now it couldn’t be more different. I have friends and family and purpose—He didn’t abandon me after all. I even thought for a while there that maybe I could do marriage again, and now I’m certainly doing a child again. It may be all out of order, but I know for certain that if I do marry again, it’ll have to be to someone who sees life from the same perspective.”
Unbelievably, Daniel was grinning by the end of my speech. “Let me get this straight: I love you, and you have some positive feelings for me; you respect me; and I’m not only willing to shelter you after you adopt this crack baby but also marry you. Despite all this, are you trying to tell me, Cass, that you won’t marry me because I’m not religious like you?”
He had never been slow on the uptake. I nodded. “Um, in so many words, I guess that’s what I’m trying to say diplomatically. Why are you grinning like the Cheshire Cat?”
Not just grinning, but actually laughing softly now. “Because I’m not the same godless dog I was when you met me. Close, but not quite. Lately I’ve been thinking there might be some method to your madness, yours and Joanie’s. I wasn’t going to say anything until I made up my mind for sure, but in such a desperate situation I obviously have to reveal the ace up my sleeve.”
Of all the crazy, not-to-be-believed things that Daniel had said to me in this conversation, this was the hands-down winner. “Are you making fun of me?” I gasped. “You’re an atheist!”
“Was an atheist,” he corrected, enjoying my astonishment. “Now I think I’d be classified as a fence-sitter. Maybe even a fence-sitter losing his balance in your direction. You’re not the only one who has seen God at work in your life this year.”
“Do you mean you think you’ve seen Him at work in my life or in yours?” I demanded.
“Either. Both. And. Do you remember that one time you and I were talking books early on, and you said something about love being sacrificial—that you think of the other before yourself?”
“It was about David Copperfield,” I murmured.
“Yes, and then Joanie said almost the same thing, when she was wrangling with Michelle over that ‘transcendent’ stained glass Michelle was designing, or whatever the hell it was. I figured I love you and Joanie best in the world, and if this was what you two thought love was, I wanted to know more about it. I wanted to know more about this God who made you think about love that way. Besides, I suspected that, even if James weren’t in the picture, no atheist was going to win you over. I’ve never been an active, proselytizing atheist like Mom; I was more of your lazy, I-don’t-need-Him-so-He-must-not-exist atheist. So I started going to the Men’s Bible study. It was mostly me and a bunch of old guys, but they were great. They let me ask questions and argue with them.”
“Is that where you started taking off to, early Saturday mornings?” I asked wonderingly. “We never guessed.”
“That’s it. I went with mixed motives—I wanted you and your respect, and I figured this would help—but I heard things that weren’t good news at first. They were studying the Gospel of John,” he laughed shortly. “In fact, the theme was, ‘Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends—”
“John 15:13,” I said, more to myself, but Daniel heard me.
“That’s my girl. So apparently, if I loved you, I wasn’t going to try to seduce you and break up your perfectly good relationship, as if I could have. If I loved you, I was going to want what was best for you, even if that didn’t involve me, even if it meant letting you marry James. I fought that for a long time. What was the point of getting religion, unless it meant I could have you as a reward? It’s not like I didn’t have to admit to myself that James was a good guy, good husband material, from your perspective.”
“You talk about religion like it’s another way to pick up girls,” I said accusingly. “Haven’t you done any thinking about who God is, or what your relationship might be to Him?”
“Wouldn’t you say God meets us where we’re at?” he countered. “And where I’m at is wanting to become the kind of man you could love. Learning some humility, some patience. Realizing everything isn’t in my control. It’s been rough, Cass. Give me a little more time. If I hadn’t been thinking about who God is and my relationship to Him, I would’ve gone with the Las Vegas kidnapping plan months ago. I did just want to tell you how I felt, in case you wanted to wait and see how I turned out. And I wished you would ask me to do something hard for you, so I could show you that I can love the way you understand love.”
“And now you are doing something hard for me, by offering to let me and the baby live here,” I broke in. “It’s not…contingent…on me marrying you, is it?”
“What do you take me for?” He grinned. “Don’t answer that yet. I’ve got to tell you that when James did end up dumping you, I was sorry you were hurt but pretty damned thrilled at the same time. I think in the time it took you to run up to your room I was coming up with my game p
lan.”
“No game plans,” I insisted. “Joanie says you always get what you want, and you’re such a pushy guy I believe it. If you say I can live here, it’s got to be with no strings attached.”
“I’ve already said so.”
“Well, all this love and marriage talk is premature,” I said. “You’re still figuring out who you are and what you want. And you don’t know what’s going to hit the Palace in a few months when that baby comes. ”
“You think I’ll change my mind.”
“Don’t be stubborn, Daniel. Don’t not change your mind just to prove a point,” I urged. “I’m going to hold you harmless for all you’ve said this morning and ask you not to talk about it again for now. If you still want to bring it up again, six months or so from now, that’s your choice, but if you’ve changed your mind I won’t hold it against you.”
His blue eyes searched mine. “You mean you’ll stay, but you won’t date me yet.”
Deep breath. “I’ll stay, but I won’t date you. Can we start over a third time, as friends?”
“Does that mean you’ll be dating other people?”
I laughed. “I don’t know where you get this idea—nobody’s beating down the door to go out with me. One thing at a time. I just got dumped, remember? I have no plans to date anyone right now. But…but I wouldn’t mind if you date around. In fact, it might make me feel better—reassure me that you’re not sitting there, scheming, but you’re actually exploring…thinking about who you’re becoming and what you really want.”
“What about being Friends with Benefits?” he persisted. I got the feeling he wasn’t listening to me. “Not sleeping together, of course, but with the occasional make-out session to look forward to.” He took another step toward me, but I evaded his hands.
“That won’t help me make rational decisions,” I objected. “Not everyone can maintain their detachment like you do.”
He cornered me again, brushing his face against my hair. “You might get better with practice, Cass.”
My heartbeat accelerated wildly, but I elbowed him in the ribs. “No. No, Daniel. We’re not going to do this now—you’re not going to do this now. I can’t stay here unless you agree.”
An exasperated sigh. “Tiresome woman.” Obediently, he backed a decent distance from me. “Fine. If I keep my hands off you for six months and don’t harass you constantly to marry me, you’ll stay?”
“And date another person or two,” I put in doggedly.
“Define ‘date.’”
“You know—you ask someone out or someone asks you out, and you go out a few times and make a sincere effort to determine whether or not that would be a better match.”
“But what if I become a good Christian boy? I’m not going to go around playing with people’s hearts. Not when I’m in love with someone else.” Seeing my brows draw together, he added piously, “And I wouldn’t want to go out with a godless heathen anyway. My standards are at least as high as yours.”
“I’m sure the Christian girls will be after you now, too,” I said dryly. “Do we have a deal?”
“Six months?”
“At least. I’ll only have had the baby a little while in six months.”
“Can I just kiss you one more time before I swear off?” That would be one time too many for my resolve, so I shook my head. Daniel, reading my mind, bit back a smile, and who knows what would have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted by a banging on the window.
Joanie popped her head out. I didn’t know how much she’d seen, but from the look she gave the both of us I knew I was in for explanations later. “Good morning, you two. Happy Almost-Memorial Day! Phyl’s made mimosas—want some?”
When we were gathered in the sunshine on the deck a minute later, champagne flutes in hand, Daniel announced, “Forget Almost-Memorial Day. This is the real celebration. Cass has agreed to stay.”
Joanie and Phyl nearly cost me my mimosa, with their screaming and jumping up and down and hugging me, but I managed to hang on.
“A toast!” demanded Joanie, with Phyl echoing her. “This calls for a toast, Cass.”
Laughing and raising my glass I looked at each one of them in turn: lovely, peacemaking, loyal Phyl; blunt, passionate Joanie, who threw me the rope last summer to climb out of my abyss; and now Daniel, the unexpected friend, solid as bedrock, who might yet become much, much dearer.
Clearing my throat, I said, “To happily-ever-after at the Palace.”
Three glasses clinked against mine. “The Palace.”
Reading Group Guide
1. If you were producing a film version of Mourning Becomes Cassandra, whom would you cast in the various roles?
2. Christina has been known to refer to this novel as a “Christian beach read.” Do you agree with this classification? In what ways does it conform to “Christian fiction” conventions? “Beach read” conventions? In what ways does it depart from them?
3. Cass and her friends christen their new home “the Palace” and Daniel’s in-law “the Lean-To.” How are these names appropriate to their role in the story? Does Mourning bear similarities to any fairy tales?
4. At the outset of the novel, Cass reflects on how her life experiences have estranged her from God. She compares His treatment of her to “having the faithful family guard dog, who rescued you from house fires in the past, turn on you and maul you.” Do you think this is a fair assessment? How does her understanding of God change over the course of the book?
5. What range of beliefs is represented in the book? Which characters move around on the spectrum as the story unfolds? Do the religious types behave as you would expect? Do the non-religious types?
6. Nadina struggles with substance abuse and a toxic boyfriend, two things with which Cass has no experience. How effective do you find Cass as a mentor, over the course of the story? In what ways do she and Nadina change each other?
7. In Chapter 12, Cass starts research for the Antarctiquest! video game and says of herself, “I wondered if I was always drawn to whatever I knew least about.” Do you find this an accurate description of her? What do the various video games, books, and other entertainment in the novel reveal about the characters?
8. When Nadina accuses Cass of using church and good deeds as a crutch in Chapter 13, Cass responds that, “Everyone’s got a crutch, but some of the things we use for crutches are God-given gifts, and other things are just going to break off in our hands and make us hurt worse than ever.” Do you agree with her? What are some of Cass’s crutches? Nadina’s? Daniel’s?
9. How would you characterize Cass’s views of love and marriage? How do they compare to Joanie’s and Phyl’s views? Did you initially think James or Daniel the better fit for her? Why?
10. In Chapter 22, Cass explains to Daniel how meeting Kyle propelled her into becoming a mentor. “You might call it coincidence,” she says, “but I chose to see it as an answer to prayer.” How does this attitude toward the events in her life inform her later decision to adopt Nadina’s baby? Do you tend to view life as a series of random events, or do you look for underlying trajectory?
11. Why was Cass so “bristly” toward Daniel for much of the book? How convincing was his transformation to you, the reader? Do you consider her decision at the end to put Daniel off reasonable or frustrating? Which other choices does Cass make, and did you agree or disagree with them?
Table of Contents
Chapter One: Blindsided
Chapter Two: Laying Low
Chapter Three: A Failure to Communicate
Chapter Four: Open House
Chapter Five: Meeting Kyle
Chapter Six: Meeting Nadina
Chapter Seven: Of Cheesecake and Stained Glass
Chapter Eight: Icebreakers
Chapter Nine: Going Deeper
Chapter 10: Employment
Chapter 11: Cornered in the Marché
Chapter 12: Too Much Information
Chapter 13: Shootout at the Petco
Corral
Chapter 14: A Bad Year for McKean Marriages
Chapter 15: Back on the Wagon
Chapter 16: Virgin Territory
Chapter 17: Lust in the Afternoon
Chapter 18: Persona Non Grata
Chapter 19: Thanksgiving
Chapter 20: Rinkside Revelations
Chapter 21: Prince Charming at the Palace
Chapter 22: Brain Damage
Chapter 23: Luke, I am Your Father
Chapter 24: Home Truths
Chapter 25: Show Me the Money
Chapter 26: Crime and Punishment
Chapter 27: A Mostly Merry Christmas
Chapter 28: Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot
Chapter 29: DTR
Chapter 30: Service with a Smile
Chapter 31: Landlord Troubles
Chapter 32: Bumps in the Road
Chapter 33: Oregon Trail
Chapter 34: The Thing
Chapter 35: Breaking News
Chapter 36: To Hell in a Handbasket
Chapter 37: Disaster Recovery
Chapter 38: Round Robin
Chapter 39: Plan C
Mourning Becomes Cassandra Page 40