by Noir, Stella
He stiffens. “What do you mean?” he asks, his voice laced with confusion.
“I won’t let you hurt me anymore.”
His expression darkens; he drops the contents in his hand and steps toward me. I take a few steps back, afraid of what I see in his eyes. “I suppose you think I’m some kind of monster, then?”
I shake my head, “I never said that. Don’t twist my words.” He stops to stand in front of me and I try not to cower before his much larger frame. “I just can’t do it anymore. Sometimes it’s too much and sometimes you take things too far. Sometimes you really hurt me, and it is as if you don’t care.” My hands fly to my neck to rub at the skin. His eyes follow my movement. Flashes of how hard it is for me to breathe when he tightens his fingers around my neck assail me. I remember the fear that I feel at times, thinking that he might actually kill me.
“But you know it’s not like that, Navia, you know that I don’t intentionally want to hurt you,” he explains softly.
“But you enjoy that kind of thing. You enjoy inflicting pain on women.”
Shadows flit across his features. “Well, I can’t deny that I do.”
I lift my eyes to meet his again, “I had hopes of you changing. I know you can be gentle. I’ve seen you exhibit gentleness several times. Why can’t you just behave like that all the time? Is it really so hard to be gentle?”
He snorts, “So you have been trying to change me, have you? You should have said something before so I could have stopped you from wasting your time.”
“It’s quite alright, I realized my mistake,” I hiss. I am angered by his refusal to even try to change his ways. But I suppose I deserve the disappointment. Who am I to judge someone and try to change them? Everyone has a right to live their lives and do whatever they want, Jason included. The thought of changing him should never have crossed my mind. He has to want the change for himself, which is the only way the process will have any chance of being successful.
“Is that the only reason why you gave me a chance? Is that why you didn’t leave after the first time I showed you what I really was?” he inquires.
Guilty. “I— yes it is. I hope that you would,” I answer.
“If you knew there was no hope for me, is there even a small part of you that would have stayed?”
I look at him intently as I consider his question. I finally nod slowly, “Yes,” I whisper. “I was genuinely attracted to you from the first day I laid eyes on you. Even after how you treated me in your office that first day, the attraction was still there. So yes, there is the probability I would have stayed anyway.”
“Do you want to leave me now?”
My eyes lower to the floor. I don’t want to, but I have to for my sake. I nod, “I do.”
He sucks in a breath. “I’m not going to just let you go, Navia,” he says. I detect the steel undertone in his voice and I shiver. I believe him; he isn’t going to just let me leave. I should have known that. He probably sees me as his property now, what with the way he has been running my life for weeks.
“I really don’t want to leave, Jason, but you leave me no choice.” Maybe it isn’t even him. Maybe some sick part of me wants to stay and put up with his wicked ways.
“You can’t leave. I-I’ve fallen in love with you.” The words he utters are so low, it is as if he didn’t intend for me to hear them. But I did hear them. I freeze, my mouth drops open and my eyes swing to his in disbelief. Maybe I just imagined that he said the word. I draw in a breath. He says it again, louder this time, “I have fallen in love with you.” He lets out a laugh and shakes his head; he can’t seem to believe it himself. He looks at me with a mixture of wonder and amazement. “That is something I have never done. I have never fallen in love with anyone. It just crept up on me, I suppose.”
I still haven’t moved. I don’t know what to do with his confession. I should tell him that I feel the same way. “It must have crept up on me too, then. I love you, too.” We are both silent, looking at each other. We are each waiting for the other to speak. I look him in the eyes. “Please Jason, if you really love me, tell me why you like to hurt women. Don’t leave me in the dark anymore. Help me to understand.” His twisted desires have to stem from somewhere. Perhaps if I know the root of the problem, I can better help him. What, am I still thinking about helping him? He has already told me that he is not going to change.
He takes a deep breath and sits on the bed. “I have never shared my past with anyone before.”
“You can start with me,” I encourage. “I really do love you, Jason. I won’t judge you because of your past, I promise.” I sit beside him. He doesn’t look at me. He is staring at the floor as if he has already started the journey into his past, in his mind. I wait silently, willing him not to change his mind and shut down on me. I really need to know where his dark depravity comes from.
He finally speaks, his tone so low, I have to strain my ear to hear. “I used to be abused.” He swallows, as if finding it hard to continue. “I suffered for years at the hands of my own mother. She abused me sexually, and she took pleasure in beating me, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore, and I attempted to kill her.” He turns slowly to pin me with his gaze. He is waiting to see my reaction.
I blink several times and take several breaths. Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting anything like that. “Uh, how old were you?”
He is taken aback by my calm reaction. I really don’t know why he is shocked. It is a lot to take in, but I did promise him I wouldn’t judge. “When I tried to end her life?” I nod. “I was sixteen.”
“H-how did you try to um… kill her?”
His lips twist in irony, “I tried to strangle her. I wanted her to look into my eyes as she died. I wanted her to know why I was doing it.”
My hands fly to my neck. Well, that most certainly explains a lot. “So, you stopped? It sounds like you didn’t go through with it.”
“No, I didn’t get to finish the job. A neighbor heard the commotion and called the police. Of course, they arrived before I could watch the life disappear from her eyes.”
I shiver at his cold words. It doesn’t even sound like he has any remorse. I suppose he can’t be blamed; the woman did abuse him for only God knows how long. What kind of monster sexually abuses and beats her own child? “What happened after the police arrived?”
“I was charged with attempted murder, of course, but as a minor I did time in a juvenile detention center for two years. I did tell my side of the story, and mother dearest was charged with child abuse and battery, and she is a registered sex offender.”
“Where was your father?”
He shrugs, “Who knows? He disappeared when I was five years old. That is when the abuse started. Now that I am older, I guess I can understand that the woman was mentally ill. Maybe the stress of my father abandoning her with a young child set her off.”
He stiffens when I wrap my arms around him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.” He finally relaxes in my embrace.
“You must really think I’m a monster now,” he says lowly.
“Not at all. Well, it certainly does explain your… twisted ways, but I don’t think any differently of you. I think you are incredibly strong to have survived all of that.” He is no monster, just a wounded soul that hasn’t quite begun to heal. “Is she still alive?”
“I suspect she is. I never really cared enough to find out what became of her.” He extracts himself from my grip and stands up. He runs a finger through his hair in agitation. “I would have preferred to keep that chapter of my life to myself. But now you can understand why I do the things I do. I hurt women— I hurt you because I like to be in control and some corrupt part of me sees it as a way of getting revenge for what she did to me. Maybe if I had actually gotten the chance to end her life, I wouldn’t be this way.”
“And maybe you still would be,” I state. He looks at me but says nothing. “Thank you for sharing that with me, Jason. I know it could
n’t have been easy. At least I get you now.”
“What does that mean for us? Will you stay?” he asks.
I stand up and turn to face him. I square my shoulders and lift my chin. “Are you still adamant that you will not change? Will you still take pleasure in inflicting pain on me?”
His jaw clenches and he stares into my eyes. “Yes.”
I take in a sharp breath. “Then I’m going,” I utter with finality. I expect him to refuse. I pray that he doesn’t. I’m afraid that if he says another word, I will break down and stay, just like the last time.
Pain flashes in his eyes, but all he says is, “It’s late.” He is unnaturally calm.
I look out the window, “It’s fine, I can still get a taxi.”
He shakes his head, “No, I will take you home.”
“Thank you.” I retrieve my dress and put it on. I fight back tears as I prepare myself to leave for good. This is it. He is allowing me to walk away. I am both relived and disappointed. A small part of me wanted him to hold on to me. But my good senses tell me that this is for the best. This relationship was all kinds of toxic.
“Ready?” he asks from the doorway.
“I am.” I follow him to the door. I take one last look back before I walk out of the penthouse. I will never see this place again.
We reach my apartment in no time. I have no idea what to say to Jason. We sit in an awkward silence. He finally says something, “Come on, I will walk you up.”
“No, that’s really not necessary.”
“But it is, because you refuse to move out of this dump. You can get mugged on the way to your apartment, for Christ’s sake. I am walking you up.”
I give a slight smile, “Fine.”
We stand in front of my apartment. “Thank you,” I say.
He studies me for a few seconds. I can tell he wants to say something, but instead he says, “No problem.”
“Goodbye, Jason.”
He carries a hand up to caress my cheek. I stiffen, but he still leans in to plant a kiss on my lips. I dare not breathe or move. If I do, I know we will end up in my bed. He pulls away. “Goodbye, Navia.”
I watch him walk away. I almost run after him, but I stand my ground. He doesn’t look back, but his shoulders are rigid, the tension is evident in his body. I lift my hand to my lips. That was the last time I will ever feel his lips on mine. I go into my apartment and break down in tears. The pain that I feel now is beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life. It is beyond any pain that Jason has ever inflicted on me. I never knew what a broken heart felt like until now. No, my heart is worse than broken. It has been ripped from my chest. I have nobody but myself to blame. I was the one foolish enough to stay with and even fall in love with a sadistic and depraved man even after I found out what he really was.
Chapter Eight
I let out a laugh at one of Patrick’s jokes. It has been two weeks since I left Jason, or after he allowed me to leave, rather. Patrick finally gave me a call a few days ago. His call came at the right time. I was so deep in depression that I saw no possible way of digging myself out. I have cried every single night for the past two weeks, over a man who caused me nothing but hurt. Not even Chloe could console me or help me out of my rut. But hanging out with Patrick for the past two nights has done wonders.
He makes me laugh and feel… normal. This is how a relationship is supposed to be: light and easy and non-toxic. Then why do I wish Jason would walk through the door of this restaurant? I would just like to see him again, that’s all. Just to know that he is okay, although I imagine that he has already moved on. He probably has some supermodel tied to his bed right this moment. That thought affects me a little too much for comfort. I give a mental growl, totally annoyed with myself. I push thoughts of Jason aside and focus on what Patrick is saying.
“Can I just say again how gorgeous you look?” Patrick says.
I smile brightly, “But of course you can, thank you.” He laughs. My time with Jason sure helped me to loosen up tons. Before him, I would be sitting in front of Patrick, quiet as a mouse, not even sure what to say to him. I sigh inwardly. Thoughts of Jason have managed to creep in once again. Damn it. “I’m really glad you called, Patrick. I enjoy your company immensely.”
He grins, “Likewise. So what do we do now? Would you like to go out for a coffee or something?”
“Yeah, sure.” I definitely don’t want to go home yet. I know I will just end up sitting on my bed in total silence and obsessing over Jason—damn the man. He still manages to consume my life even though we are no longer together. But I can’t help myself. When I am not reminiscing on the sex and his hands on me, I worry about him. After what he revealed to me about his past, I often wonder how he is doing psychologically. It’s only natural for me to worry. I still love him. My love for him isn’t going to just disappear. I am always going to have feelings for the first man I ever fell in love with.
It’s almost midnight when Patrick drops me off at home. He insists on walking with me to my apartment, but I assure him that I will be fine. So he just follows me to the main entrance. I spot a car in the darkness, and whip around to do a double take. Is that Jason’s car? “I had a great time tonight, Navia. Maybe we can do this again soon?”
I glance at the familiar car again and answer, “Uh, yeah, sure. Had a great time too, thanks.”
Patrick follows my darting gaze, “Are you all right?”
I turn to look at him and smile. “Hmmm. So give me a call sometime and we can arrange another date.”
“Sounds great.” He takes me off guard, pulling me into a kiss. He releases me before I can even react. “Have a good night, Navia.” He walks back to his car.
Wow, OK, I wasn’t expecting that. I peer into the darkness, trying to get a better look at the parked car. There is no way it can be Jason’s. But before I turn to go inside, the man himself steps out of the vehicle. I gawk at him as he strolls toward me. He seems angry. I roll my eyes. When isn’t the man angry?
“You sure have moved on fast, Navia,” he sneers.
I ignore his comment. “What are you doing here?”
“Can’t I stop by to say hi?”
“Um, no. You no longer have the right to do that. I’m going in.”
“I will walk with you, seeing as how your date didn’t bother to see you safely inside. What a gentleman,” he scoffs sarcastically.
I sigh, “Whatever.” I know he won’t take no for an answer anyway. We reach my door. “Well, are you ready to tell me what you are doing here?” I have to admit, I’m kind of glad to see him. At least I know now that he is OK. I stare up at him. He looks damn good. I realize then that I have missed him.
He seems uncomfortable. “I uh— I missed you. I wanted to see how you were doing.”
I arch an eyebrow. “You could have just called, instead of showing up at my place in the middle of the night. That is pretty stalker-like of you,” I tease.
His lips curl into a grin. “I guess I really wanted to see you.”
“Well, you’ve seen me, so what now?” I ask jokingly. All humor disappears when his gaze drops to my lips. He snakes out an arm and pulls me to him. I let out a shriek just as he kisses me. His lips move over mine and all logic goes out the wind. I wound my arms around his neck and kiss him back with everything that I have. He releases me to take the key from my grip. He has me half undressed before he we even step into my apartment. I tear at his clothes with equal fervor. We don’t make it past the door. He lifts me onto him and pins me against the door. My legs wrap around his waist and he enters me in one swift motion. I let out a loud cry. “Oh, Jason,” I breathe. The feel of him inside of me is exquisite. He pumps into me with an enthusiasm brought on by two weeks apart.
I can tell he missed me as much as I missed him. “More, Jason, please,” I surprise myself by begging for more. He lets out a growl and pins my wrist above my head with one hand. He hammers harder into me until I am sobbing with my release. He swallows my
scream of pleasure by placing his lips over mine. His lips move violently over mine until his body vibrates with his orgasm. He spills himself into me. When I come down from my high, I realize that we didn’t use any protection. Shit. I suppose neither of us had time to think about that, not with the urgency of needing to be connected.
Jason’s breathing is still ragged. He eases me down until my feet touch the floor. I lean against the door, unable to hold myself up. That was wild. By now my senses have returned. What the hell did I just do? I groan loudly and cover my face in shame. “What’s wrong?” Jason asks, while pulling up his pants.
I glare at him. He seems quite satisfied with himself. “What’s wrong? Everything is wrong! That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
He tilts my chin with his fingers. “But you did enjoy it, didn’t you? You can’t deny that you missed the feel of me inside of you, because I sure as hell missed being buried deep inside of you.” He carries his face closer to mine, so that his lips hover inches above mine. “I still fantasize about tying you to my bed, Navia.” His hands reach up to span my neck, but his grip remains loose. His gaze burns into mine, “I still want to hurt you and make you scream, but from too much pleasure.”
I close my eyes and a whimper escapes my lips. My breathing is erratic and I want him to do those things to me right now. My God, what is wrong with me? I take a steadying breath. “Get out,” I whisper.
“What?” He pulls back and frowns. “Is that what you really want?”
No. “Yes,” I breathe. “Go now, I won’t let you pull me back into your web of depravity,” I hiss.
His eyes blaze with rage and he grabs me by the neck. By the maddening expression in his eyes I half expect him to strangle me. I gasp, my eyes widening like saucers. But he doesn’t hurt me. His eyes just pierce into mine. “Is it because of him? That guy you were with tonight? Because you are mine, Navia.”
Enraged, I push hard at his chest. “I don’t belong to you, Jason. I left you, remember?”
He reaches up to run his thumb over my bottom lip. He then cups my face and plants a single kiss on my mouth. “Yes, my sweet Navia. I let you delude yourself for two weeks. I never truly let you go,” he whispers. “But now you are running around town with another man. I won’t have it,” he growls.